Need help with my friend :(

**alexsilver** · 04-20-2012 10:47 PM

So I'm finding out that my ENTP friend is really selfish. The first couple times I noticed it it only concerned me. For one example, we were working on a group project for history and decided on the topic of medieval weapons because we both know a lot about them. We had been between that and guilds, something he's interested in but that neither of us know anything about. So when the teacher asked us what our topic was he immediately spoke up and told her "guilds!" I have no idea why he did that because we had discussed it clearly and precisely and he seemed to be enthusiastic about medieval weapons. I didn't push him into it or anything

When I asked him about it he said he "forgot" but I can always tell when he's lying. Anyways, I pushed aside my feelings of hurt and anger for the sake of our friendship and have done that in several other similar situations (even though it gave me splitting headaches). I mean, he's a good friend of mine. Why separate because of something like that?
Well, this last time was my breaking point. I yelled at him. He was acting with complete disregard to anyone's feelings but his own (I won't go into details, it's complicated). And he wasn't being unfair to me but to another person. I think the fact that he was inflicting his selfishness onto another human being triggered my protective mode and put me over the edge. That and all the withheld feelings from before just exploded out... I just called him out for it. Basically it ended with him giving me the coldest look I've ever seen and telling me that it was none of my business. I get where he's coming from with that, but I couldn't just stand by and let someone's freedom be taken away because of his selfishness.
My questions are:
-Should I apologise for my yelling or will he see it as weakness (like some ENTP's do)?
-Should I still be friends with him now that I've seen the real him? We've only been friends a few months
-Any other advice?
thanks for reading this novel

, and let me know if i can clarify anything

**infpblog** · 04-21-2012 01:49 AM

There's been continuous threads over the years all of which can be summed up in one question: why do I attract crappy people into my life?

That question has 3 parts:

1. Crappy people
2. Attract
3. Into My Life

1. Crappy people have always been crappy people. They were like that before you met them and they will be like that after. The only reason why people are so bad at recognizing crappy people at the beginning is that people project all these good qualities, ignore the bad qualities.

2. Something about our personalities attracts either good or bad elements. Abused attract abusers. People who don't put up with alot of crap don't attract alot of crap.

3. We choose to let people participate in our lives by giving them time that we don't have to. Time is the currency of relationships. We choose to spend time with people. Sometimes we choose to spend time with crappy people, either because we don't have other people to spend time with or we're just willing to put up with an unlimited amount of crap until we can't anymore and then we don't spend time with that person. Some people put up with a lot more crap than others. If you choose not to spend time with someone then they won't be in your life.

So here's what I gather. Selfishness is not something you admire and probably something that is against your values. However you seem to be willing to go against those values because why? The reason to be with people is because they make you a better person and not because you want to feel less lonely.

In my opinion, putting up with more crap than someone else doesn't make you a better person. There are people who disagree with that point of view. Compromising your values for another person, doesn't make you a better person.

**Young_Simba91** · 04-21-2012 07:35 AM

I agree with the above poster. Putting up with a bunch of crap is definitely not healthy for a relationship.

I'm in a similar situation with a best friend I've known since I was 5(were both 21 now). Kid ha always been relatively selfish, but ever since he turned 21 it's been awful. He has no regard for anyone else. He gets blackout every time I drink with him now. Really I'd like to help the kid, but there is no remorse the next day, just a laundry list of excuses and general amusement with his stupidity.

It sucks but sometimes you just have to sever ties. We can all be too loyal sometimes. My best advice is to cut ties for a while and hope the kid wakes up from the isolation. You've told him why your upset, so now it's up to him to sack up and show some respect. If he doesn't, then he's probably not someone you want to associate with anyway.

**alexsilver** · 04-21-2012 09:58 AM

thanks, you guys are right. why keep this friendship if it just causes more harm to me than good?

**ElephantinePigiferous** · 04-21-2012 10:47 AM

i was in a similar type of relationship with my ex best friend. he was a dancer and he had performances almost everywhere around the city. guess what?,he dragged me along everywhere he went. and for what? he was afraid someone might steal his precious camera,his cell phone and every other shit he had in his backpack so he needed someone to keep his stuff safe.obviously,i did not know this at the begining. when i realized this,i felt so used. i was fed up with having my feelings played down everytime because his were more important. and also i was tired of listening to him talk shit about people . i was his trash can.
so i just ended it. he texted and called me a few times but i had no plans to let it continue and he got the message.
now,im not saying he was totally bad but i just wanted it to end.

anyway,your relationship with this person seems too dysfunctional.you should end it while you still have a reason to.dont let your mind make excuses for it.it wont end well.

**alexsilver** · 04-21-2012 12:29 PM

Originally Posted by ElephantinePigiferous

i was in a similar type of relationship with my ex best friend. he was a dancer and he had performances almost everywhere around the city. guess what?,he dragged me along everywhere he went. and for what? he was afraid someone might steal his precious camera,his cell phone and every other shit he had in his backpack so he needed someone to keep his stuff safe.obviously,i did not know this at the begining. when i realized this,i felt so used. i was fed up with having my feelings played down everytime because his were more important. and also i was tired of listening to him talk shit about people . i was his trash can.
so i just ended it. he texted and called me a few times but i had no plans to let it continue and he got the message.
now,im not saying he was totally bad but i just wanted it to end.

anyway,your relationship with this person seems too disfunctional.you should end it while you still have a reason to.dont let your mind make excuses for the relationship.it wont end well.

wow. i'm sorry that happened to you! some people are just terrible when it comes down to it. and thanks for the advice. i completely agree with you