[snowbell]

We're idealists, fine. We live in a world where possibilites can easily outpace expectations (and reality), fine.

But why are we so hard on ourselves, more especially for things outside our control?

I mean there's some things one can take responsibility for: if you hit someone and that person gets injured, that's your fault and you can fairly take blame for it.



However, if there's a bank robbery (or other such situation) in progress and you try and protect someone who subsequently gets shot, that's not your fault considering you will have done what you can to protect them.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, there's a point whereby one cannot reasonably assign blame or failure to oneself for something - after that point life takes over and the natural process of things is responsible: you cannot blame yourself for an earthquake in Japan if you've never been there, nor can you blame yourself for your neighbor's house burning down if you weren't home at the time. But yet that doesn't stop the blame loop from happening.

Why?

And it's all the more important considering this blame loop can make its way into the "value system net-web-thing" and become ingrained in one's self if not addressed properly leading one to blame themselves for something they had no control over, for the rest of their lives. That doesn't make sense nor is it practical or empathetic. I'm not saying that there can't or shouldn't be remorse for things going badly, but at the same time, for taking feeling into account such is likely to harm our own feelings and leave us emotionally down and distressed which isn't good either.

[The King Of Dreams]

I see what you are saying. Let's go to the source of this: (Fi) Introverted Feeling

This function (which is the dominant function in INFPs [Fi Ne Si Te] ) is super strong within you. As a ENFP, I have this function as well but it's my Secondary function so it's not as strong. Plus in your mind you keep going over the possibilities of "what could have been done" or "what should have been done" and so you end up blaming yourself for things that is ultimately out of your control (a product of Ne (Extroverted iNtuition). As for getting over this, you must try to develop (easier said than done) your last function, Te (Extroverted Thinking) You must logically reason through the facts AND realize that IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

Also, look at it from a optimistic point of view. Use that auxiliary Ne to see the possibilities of how it could have been worse. Be thankful it wasn't. I hope I was helpful.

[snowbell]

You were and thanks for the answer :). It's still confusing though - why subject yourself to a constant barrage of self-hatred when logic can show you that your feelings are misplaced?

I mean I can understand that the logic is less used since its inferior, but isn't the inferior function still present and available for use? Can't it come out during periods of severe stress?

And surely with all the thinking going on that possibility will be stumbled across at some point? (it wasn't my fault and there's nothing I could have done to change the situation or outcome)

[The King Of Dreams]

You were and thanks for the answer :). It's still confusing though - why subject yourself to a constant barrage of self-hatred when logic can show you that your feelings are misplaced?

I mean I can understand that the logic is less used since its inferior, but isn't the inferior function still present and available for use? Can't it come out during periods of severe stress?

And surely with all the thinking going on that possibility will be stumbled across at some point? (it wasn't my fault and there's nothing I could have done to change the situation or outcome)

Well, it's kinda like your Fi is a HUGE statue and your Te is a garden gnome many yards behind it..... You have to see past that HUGE Fi to get to the Te.... It's possible but like I said "easier said than done".

[Nelly]

The thing is (at least from my own experience) that INFPs do think about the possibility that they could have done nothing better at the time into action, but often reject it right after or it gets flooded by all the other possibilities. INFPs are after all idealist, they rerun what had happened, and see a new future with the new information they have learned from the past and regret that they couldn't cause that future.

[kaleidoscope]

INFP: I Never Find Perfection.

The idealism applies to ourselves as well. We expect way too much of ourselves and others, and we often end up disappointed.

[The King Of Dreams]

The thing is (at least from my own experience) that INFPs do think about the possibility that they could have done nothing better at the time into action, but often reject it right after or it gets flooded by all the other possibilities. INFPs are after all idealist, they rerun what had happened, and see a new future with the new information they have learned from the past and regret that they couldn't cause that future.

But then again, you're blaming yourself for something you had NO knowledge about from the start. Had you known this information, the results would have been different or better. Just because you learned more after the fact doesn't mean that it's your fault after learning new information that you weren't privy to.

[Mattylad]

As an extreme introvert, I am very self critical, up to the point where when I think about it after, I think I am actually being harsh on myself. Let's take my hockey and tennis as an example. I look up to the best of the sport that I know in real life, so the people in our group/team that are better than me, the coach and to a lesser extent, the best of the professional sport. I always aim to not only successfully pull off my technique, but do it flawlessey & consistently, without fail. I aim to do that in every match every time, and when I don't, I lose my confidence and a circle is created, which pulls me down.

It is a massive flaw, an unhealthy one you might say, but it's one that no matter how I try, I can't switch off.

[The King Of Dreams]

As an extreme introvert, I am very self critical, up to the point where when I think about it after, I think I am actually being harsh on myself. Let's take my hockey and tennis as an example. I look up to the best of the sport that I know in real life, so the people in our group/team that are better than me, the coach and to a lesser extent, the best of the professional sport. I always aim to not only successfully pull off my technique, but do it flawlessey & consistently, without fail. I aim to do that in every match every time, and when I don't, I lose my confidence and a circle is created, which pulls me down.

It is a massive flaw, an unhealthy one you might say, but it's one that no matter how I try, I can't switch off.

You sound like a perfectionist. Michael Jackson was a perfectionist (ESFJ) (Fi aux) so it's no surprise to me. If you give it your all, then that is enough. You did your best. Some can go bigger, harder, faster and/or stronger...... Accept it. Everyone has their limits. This HAS to be realized. Think: Does beating yourself down or being hard on yourself REALLY help? Or does it harm you? Fi is also a function that evokes self worth, so you will be going AGAINST your function by tearing yourself down. It's counter-productive to you as a person. Keep that in mind and heart.

[HeyGirl]

@The King Of Dreams Thanks alot for this great answer!!
By the way the "Ne at it's best"- thing is AWESOME