[agreenbough]

I’m feeling very misunderstood. Which I suppose is not all that odd for an INFP. I’m just getting tired of the general attitude that there is something wrong with people, like myself, who keep to themselves and mind their own business.

I had a dispute with my neighbor, a man in his 70s, several months ago. It was quite upsetting at the time, but I would have gotten over it if it hadn’t taken such a strange turn. The neighbor told my husband he was afraid of me, which was really out of left field, because I have always been polite to him in the past, though not overly solicitous.

My husband believes the neighbor really is afraid of me. I’m insulted both by the neighbor’s lie and by the fact that my husband thinks he isn’t lying and defends the neighbor’s point of view. The neighbor continues to go out of his way to avoid me and has told several other people on our street that he’s scared of me. I feel as if he has started a smear campaign, ruining my reputation and causing others to "fear" me as well.

My husband said to me that it’s really not such a stretch for people to think I’m scary and possibly dangerous because I’m quiet and keep to myself. It’s like it’s okay to label someone as a potentially dangerous psychopath because they prefer to mind their own business. I’m an average looking middle aged woman. I have nice, well-mannered children and several pets I take very good care of. I don’t yell or drive recklessly. My lack of interest in socializing with this neighbor and his wife apparently offends them and means I’m unbalanced, scary, and liable to snap at any moment.

I’m so fed up with this I could scream. How is wanting to mind my own business the same thing as being scary? What is wrong with people?!

I’m not really writing about the particulars of my situation, I’m just wondering if there are other people who are regarded as hopelessly strange just because they want to live their own quiet lives and mind their own business. Any insight as to why people find this offensive - and frightening? Do they really think they’re so fascinating we should spend every waking hour listening to them blither about themselves? Why are loners scary?

[iemanja]

Have you thought about confrontation? I don't know if it's something you are comfortable with, but how about you invite your neighbors over for a nice chat over tea. That might give you a chance to show your neighbors your good side and you can also use that time with the guy to gently ask him what 'scares' him and explain that you're just not a social creature.
Nothing bad could come out of that because either:
1. he'll walk away understanding you (I hope) or
2. nothing will change, and you will understand that despite your efforts, the problems is HIS that he cannot understand. This is your cue to come to the conclusion that he is a self righteous prick.

I think loners are fascinating. Your neighbor sounds like a selfish, egoistic freak looool. still, try and work things out with him!

I think there is probably just a lack of communication going on (requiring you to step up, I'm afraid, since no one else seems to be strong enough to do that in this case) or, if you have found you have tried to fix things but to no avail, your neighbor has a problem of his own.

[infpblog]

I’m insulted both by the neighbor’s lie and by the fact that my husband thinks he isn’t lying and defends the neighbor’s point of view.

So basically, you're invalidating someone else's feelings, saying what someone else is feeling is not legitimate.

Didn't most INFPs grow up with parents and peers invalidating our feelings telling us how we feel about something isn't legitimate? Why do we go around doing this to others?

Everyone has a right to how they feel whether we agree with them or not. And it's none of our business how someone feels about us. What if they start telling everyone how they feel. Everyone has a right to an opinion and to express that opinion to other people.

We can't control what other people think or what other people feel. We can only control how we choose to react, our feelings, our thoughts and our actions.

[ForsakenMe]

I wish I can hug you, because this is also happening to me as of late. I see that you are an American, and as far as we both know, the US is very ESxx driven, so they are very fearful of INxx types. That's not to say that every ESxx types are like this... some ESxx types I've found on this site are absolute sweethearts. I'm just talking about those who refuse to stop and get to know other types of personalities that is not the same as their own.

Unfortunately, introverts have always been painted with the bad brush. We are seen as psychotic, evil, Gothic, scary, etc. I say, ignore these neighbors. They don't sound like a group of intelligent people, anyway!

You have my emotional support if you need it. :(

[kaleidoscope]

While it definitely doesn't make sense to me and I suspect most INFP's on here, it's known that people jump to conclusions. There is a common assumption that you must be plotting or having some kind of dark thought if you're quiet. It's mostly a belief enduced by the media. Think about it. In every thriller/horror movie, it's never the life of the party who ends up being the serial killer, right? Instead, it's most often the withdrawn, quiet person who has a weird vibe. I'm not saying it's fair, it's just how it is. Being quiet automatically means you're hiding something, because you're simply not sharing your thoughts.

That being said, I'm sure your neighbor must be a tad paranoid for him to broadcast that all over the neighborhood.

[agreenbough]

I don't see myself as invalidating this man's feelings. I see him as lying about what he feels, to garner sympathy. It's working great for him.

[ShipwreckEyes]

Well to start off wow I must say I can completly relate to you in this situation... When i was in highschool i was seen as depressed, suicidal, and unfriendly evn though i never so much as said anything negative about anyone. So your not alone in feeling completly misunderstood and hurt by how people label quit, introverted people such as us.

People fear what they do not understand, they fear the unknown, so when they come across a fellow who keeps to themselves they will of course be suspicious as to why that person keeps to themselves. People always assume were hiding something or that we dislike other people. Its sad this is the way most peole will view us but its true. Im very humble, gentle, and caring inside, but most of my life people have viewed me as arrogant, angry, and uncaring. Its just the way the world works, the fact is were introverts in a prominantly extroverted world. Im not sayng all extroverts are like that i've meet plenty that were really good people, but is not hard to understand why they view us as odditys, as something that needs to be fixed. So in short (sorry i was venting) no you are by no means alone in feeling like this but just be strong and be you, people can speculate and say what they want be you know what kind of person you are and nothing they say will change who that person is.

[Sily]

Oh..... lol..... I would be so tempted to *add* to my *Loner* strangeness if this guy were my neighbor. I'd start embellishing my character with antics. Hehe.. How utterly devious of this neighbor to tell your husband, he knew the message would get right back to you.

In defense of "loners" I post this excerpt from the Party of One site:

Welcome to the homepage of Anneli Rufus. This page is about my book Party of One: the Loners' Manifesto.



Here we are, having this rendezvous without having to see each other, without having to be in the same place at the same time, without having to talk or check each other out or wear decent clothes. It's loner time.

My book Party of One is about our subculture - the subculture that will never, by nature, join hands and whose voices will never, by nature, form a chorus. Some loners are neuroscientists and some are office cleaners. Some are sculptors and some are Survivor fans. Some are law students and some are surfers. No two loners are alike, but all of us have one thing in common: we like to be alone. We like it. Everyone else - nonloners, that is — can't stand to be alone. They squirm. They feel ashamed. They yearn for company when they're alone. They're bored and don't know what to do. They're lonely.

We're not.

Maybe we're not holed up in caves all day, or in submarines like Captain Nemo in his Nautilus. But alone we feel most normal. Most ourselves. Most alive.


Mainstream culture loves nonloners. Joiners, schmoozers, teamworkers, congregants and all those who play well with others scoop up the rewards.

Meanwhile, loners get dissed. All the time. At school, at work, at church or temple, in movies, loners are misunderstood, misjudged, loathed, pitied and feared. Reporters and profilers calmly and constantly call us perverts, losers, stalkers and serial killers.

If every headline that includes the word "loner" had "Canadian" or "certified public accountant" instead, imagine the outcry.

Nonloners call loners crazy. Cold. Stuck-up. Standoffish. Selfish. Sad. Bad. Secretive. But we know being a loner isn't about hating people. It's about essence, about necessity. We need what others dread. We dread what others need.

Do birds hate lips? Do Fijians detest snowplows?

A journalist and the author of several critically acclaimed books, and a lifelong loner, I wrote Party of One as a way to expose mainstream culture’s antiloner prejudice. But I also wrote it to show the ways in which loners have not just survived but actually changed the world, not just saved civilization but had a lot to do with creating it.

Famous loners span every era, every realm. Albert Einstein, Anne Rice, Michelangelo, Barry Bonds, Isaac Newton, Franz Kafka, Stanley Kubrick, Janet Reno, John Lennon, James Michener, Emily Dickinson, Alexander Pope, Hermann Hesse, Paul Westerberg, Georgia O’Keeffe, Kurt Cobain, Haruki Murakami, Gustav Klimt, Charles Schulz, Dan Clowes, Piet Mondrian, Saint Anthony, H.P. Lovecraft, Beatrix Potter and Joe DiMaggio....

Not to mention Superman, Batman and Shiva.

So — as the pickpockets sang in the musical Oliver! — consider yourself one of us.

[ethylester]

I know how it feels to be misunderstood. You feel like you didn't do anything to deserve these assumptions about you, and you feel powerless. I've been called "stuck-up" enough times by people who don't know me at all to make me wonder what the heck I am doing to come across that way. I figure it's because I am bad at small talk, despite my effort at changing this. It actually makes me feel paranoid and pressured when I'm around strangers because I am so worried about seeming stuck up. It feels weird to try to conform to people's expectations just so that you don't get called a name.

People are scared of what they don't understand. Your neighbor probably doesn't understand you and therefore, you are scary to him. You don't fit in to what he thinks a woman should be like. You stand out. I would be offended at first by his fear, but since you don't think you have done anything to warrant this, maybe the best plan is to just laugh at it. He's an old man, maybe he has his ways. You also have your ways. So you appear scary to him... oh well. As long as he doesn't call the police for no reason or try to kill you, I'd just try to laugh at it.

Makes me wonder if this is how some minorities feel when they are just out minding their own business. Because they aren't of the dominant race, people think they are scary. They haven't done anything to warrant this, they just look different. It's an ignorant way to look at people, but it happens. How do they deal with it? I would imagine the best course of action is to ignore it and go about your business. Prove to people that you aren't doing anything to threaten them and that you are actually a cool person.

[adverseaffects]

It sucks to feel misunderstood, but you gotta look at this.

Implied assertions:
1) I don't want to socialize or go out of my way to build a certain image with my neighbors or anyone not my family.
2) I care what they think about me.

It may be hard to have both at the same time. I'm not saying your neighbors view is accurate, but peope are often not accurate, so who cares? You know it doesn't accurately reflect you.

But at the same time, if you want people to see the good things you see in yourself, that generally requires a little exposure on your part-- you have to show those parts to people. Or else how do they know they exist? you've chosen to be a loner and "isolate" yourself from others, which is fine, but that also means you have little control over the opinions of you in the social arena.