[entpreter]

Advice request: How do I tell an INFP that I do not like the way she speaks to me (and others sometimes) without hurting her feelings too much or her reacting very defensively?

I have a good friend who is extremely intelligent, but she doesn't debate in a friendly manner very well (I admit, this is my opinion), and debating is a big side to my personality. I usually avoid discussing anything that may spark a debate (which is a lot) because she reacts defensively or condescendingly. Having known her for two years now and having been her roommate for a bit, I've noticed that, in theory, she should know me a lot better and on a deeper level than she does, and I find this sad. I think these misunderstandings are burdening our friendship.

My INFP friend approaches debates as she would giving lectures. If you challenge her facts or definitions, she jumps down your throat rejecting your opinions or observations. I understand that this is typical in debates, but she tends to do this condescendingly, even if we were having a friendly debate. She almost always talks over me or feels the need to "interpret" what I am saying without giving me much more than a few words to explain myself, which usually results in a completely different statement that she thinks I've made than what I was truly trying to say. I tend to give up and let her think what she wants, but I’m starting to realize that that method is causing other problems in our friendship.

A simplified example of an attempted debate:


me to party guests: does ____ only occur if _____ happens and how does it change through time?

party guests: yes, no, maybe, blah, blah, blah...

INFP friend: *lectures us on the history of _____ for 5 minutes without breathing, no one can get a word in, gives us the Oxford's Dictionary's definition of _____.

me: yes, that is true, but we are trying to figure out the correlation of ____ and...

INFP friend: *cuts me off, accuses me of not understanding the definition she just gave and then repeats the definition in my direction while other party guests cast their eyes to the floor or look away

me: yes, I understand, but that is a modern term and...

INFP friend: *cuts me off, accuses me of not knowing what I am talking about, and starts the whole lecture from the beginning again

me: I understand the definition and I'm simply giving you an alternative explanation for ______’s occurrence, I am not saying that you are wrong...

INFP friend: *cuts me off* I am not being defensive. I'm giving you the definition and you don't seem to understand *continues to lecture in my direction on what she already lectured us about*

me: *cut her off* The point is that my original question was, 'does _____ only occur if _____ happens.'

INFP friend: oh, that IS a good question. *said in a surprised manner*

me: I know, thanks *said in a dry manner* (if she had let me say more than three words, this conversation would have been a lot more friendly)


I feel like she only sees the side of me that fits with her life, ideals, and ego (maybe she likes the intellectual attention). Blinders on the rest. How can I present this to her without her being defensive and accusatory? Maybe in a more constructive way with regard to our friendship?

(sorry this is so long)

[Grey]

It sounds as though you have a strong situation on your hands.

I could put in a lot of things about what you ought and ought not to do, but I think that would be pointless. This person, your friend, is still a person. She may interpret your questions or re-frames as attacks, although they are clearly not. I don't know how your friend is otherwise, but she does sound a bit shallow when it comes to things. If she only accepts the side of you that fits her life, that's not a healthy impression to begin with. Perhaps your re-frames expose a truer side of yourself, which could lead her image of you to disrupt, therefore leading to the behavior. I wouldn't know - I don't know your friend.

I've found the best way for me to personally approach these things is to soften my language and body expression - those two make the deal. I'm hoping some INFPs will provide a counter-example, but if that approach doesn't work out, it might be in your best interest to reconsider the friendship. Is it really worth being friends, and roommates, with someone who is so disruptive in an activity that is very important to you?

[TurranMC]

I'd just tell her she can be a real bitch sometimes. When debating any topic you have to be sure not to be condescending. Disagreement is fine, but no need to be rude. Second, you have to allow other people a chance to speak. You may believe you're absolutely correct, and you may even be right, but you have to give the other side a fair chance to argue their case. I'd tell her all this and ask her to try to be more polite when discussing a topic. If someone can't debate a topic respectfully then I don't even listen to their point, and I sure as hell wouldn't call them a "friend."

[OrangeAppled]

INFPs do not find much to be impersonal. Debating is personal to an INFP, because their beliefs make up who they are. It's very difficult to not get emotional when a part of yourself is being questioned. The INFP would probably not even bother saying anything if the issue did not touch on some deeper belief of hers. You're just touching the tip of the iceberg with your debate topics, but it's connected to a huge base, or a basic principle. In a sense, your debates feel like an attempt to crack the INFPs basic values. INFPs do not adopt these values arbitrarily, hence her tendency to have a speech on it. These are things she has evaluated the crap out of on her own. These are things she is ready to defend whenever necessary.

Most INFPs would not see this as a friendly party discussion. Personally, I would stop going to parties that confrontational. NTs often come off as much, much, much more aggressive, condescending, and belligerent than they think in these situations (I'm generally on the side of an NT who acts as this INFP does). Then they wonder why the Feelers around them get upset and supposedly overreact.

We're only hearing one side of the story. Be honest in examining the situation, and try to see it from different angles. Can you say, with absolute confidence, that these discussion leading to heated debates are never presented by you in an antagonistic manner or phrasing?

I feel like she only sees the side of me that fits with her life, ideals, and ego (maybe she likes the intellectual attention). Blinders on the rest. How can I present this to her without her being defensive and accusatory? Maybe in a more constructive way with regard to our friendship?

What side is she ignoring? Your debating side? It sounds like you cannot accept her sensitive side and the fact that her beliefs are pretty much are who she is.

Before you approach her, you need to try and see things from her perspective, and see her perspective as valid, even if you don't agree with it. The best way to get through to an INFP is to make them feel that you are on their side. You're looking out for them, and you can empathize with them. Otherwise, you are the enemy and you simply don't understand the INFP, and nothing you say is valid because how can you criticize fairly when you don't even understand something and your intentions are not pure?

[TurranMC]

Reading OrangeAppled's reminded of a side I was kinda ignoring. In my post above I still say to people exactly what I said you should say, but the circumstances may be a bit different. Usually people understand that I'm just very upfront about things. Your friend has to understand that you are not trying to be mean to her but that when you talk about things around her she is often disrespectful. She has to understand that you're telling her this because she is your friend and you want her to stay your friend, but you can't accept the way she acts at times. If she is your friend she will try to take a step back and realize when she is being that way and will try to remedy it.

[entpreter]

INFPs do not find much to be impersonal. Debating is personal to an INFP, because their beliefs make up who they are. It's very difficult to not get emotional when a part of yourself is being questioned. The INFP would probably not even bother saying anything if the issue did not touch on some deeper belief of hers. You're just touching the tip of the iceberg with your debate topics, but it's connected to a huge base, or a basic principle. In a sense, your debates feel like an attempt to crack the INFPs basic values. INFPs do not adopt these values arbitrarily, hence her tendency to have a speech on it. These are things she has evaluated the crap out of on her own. These are things she is ready to defend whenever necessary.

Most INFPs would not see this as a friendly party discussion. Personally, I would stop going to parties that confrontational. NTs often come off as much, much, much more aggressive, condescending, and belligerent than they think in these situations (I'm generally on the side of an NT who acts as this INFP does). Then they wonder why the Feelers around them get upset and supposedly overreact.

We're only hearing one side of the story. Be honest in examining the situation, and try to see it from different angles. Can you say, with absolute confidence, that these discussion leading to heated debates are never presented by you in an antagonistic manner or phrasing?


What side is she ignoring? Your debating side? It sounds like you cannot accept her sensitive side and the fact that her beliefs are pretty much are who she is.

Before you approach her, you need to try and see things from her perspective, and see her perspective as valid, even if you don't agree with it. The best way to get through to an INFP is to make them feel that you are on their side. You're looking out for them, and you can empathize with them. Otherwise, you are the enemy and you simply don't understand the INFP, and nothing you say is valid because how can you criticize fairly when you don't even understand something and your intentions are not pure?

I absolutely agree that there is always another side to every argument. I'm not denying that I've offended her somehow. The question is why and how, which was what I was hoping someone would suggest to me. The subject was fun and silly, on the lines of being perverted -- it was definitely a party discussion and my friend enjoyed most of the conversation.

Now, having said that, I have feelings too and just because someone is sensitive, doesn't mean that everything is my fault (as the less sensitive person). I care for my friend and want to keep a friendship with her, and in order to do that, she has to see that she hurts my feelings, as well.

I'm not asking that she accept my point of view, but to acknowledge that I have one. Interrupting, speaking over me and condescending tones in front of friends are unacceptable reactions no matter who they come from. I would not do the same to her and it hurt my feelings.

Let's be constructive. I'll take your advice on presenting my hurt feelings to her by angling it as I'd like to improve our communication in a way that makes it seem like I have her feelings in mind too, so thank you. : )

[benfoldsfive dude]

INFP friend: *lectures us on the history of _____ for 5 minutes without breathing, no one can get a word in, gives us the Oxford's Dictionary's definition of _____.

me: yes, that is true, but we are trying to figure out the correlation of ____ and...

INFP friend: *cuts me off, accuses me of not understanding the definition she just gave and then repeats the definition in my direction while other party guests cast their eyes to the floor or look away

me: yes, I understand, but that is a modern term and...

INFP friend: *cuts me off, accuses me of not knowing what I am talking about, and starts the whole lecture from the beginning again

I think this might be the problem. Where you say "yes that is true, but..." is where your INFP friend feels like you are physically stabbing him/her in the back. I get this feeling because I have/had an ENTP friend who cuts me off when I want to say something. Here. Let me set up a scenario.

I do stage crew at my school and this girl (entp) brings her speakers so that we can listen to them and keeps the speakers at the school about 80% of the time. When we were working on a set, I brought my walkman to listen to on the speakers since she wasn't at the school yet. She then comes into the theatre and says to me:

"ENTP friend: hey (me), i need to use the speakers to charge my ipod, which won't play your music, is it okay?

me: yeah sure, just turn of my walkman"

so, we listen to her ipod as it is charging. a couple hours later, when it is at 3/4 charge, i ask her...

"me: hey (ENTP friend), your ipod is almost charged, can we then listen to mine once yours is charged?

ENTP friend: no, my speakers, my music"

me: (speechless)

--end--

So, to sum up the conversation was that she is saying "I would let you listen to your music, but, they're my speakers." Look, I understand that they are her speakers, don't get me wrong, but I was using them before she even got there. Later on that day, she had to leave for a college interview and I used them when she left. What I'm trying to say is that I felt stabbed in the back when we were talking. It was like she was saying that "I would____, but, _____."

I think that the but word is the word that INFPs hate. I know I do.

So, my suggestion, after emphasizing somewhat, is try to rephrase

yes, that is true, but we are...

into a more subtle way.

I don't know if my advice helps or will help. But it's the NFs and NTs clash together. I hope the best for you and your friend though.


--by the way--
Your INFP friend is a bit over reacting, maybe there is something going on with her that is outside of your relationship with him/her. When someone annoys me, when I'm in a content state, I tend to keep the situation to the point I ignore him/her. I guess that's to avoid conflict. Anyways, when there is something that is happening to me in my personal life, I have moments where I feel like I want to snap out at someone. Luckily, that hasn't happened, yet. Whenever I see this ENTP girl during school, I feel angry and sad because I feel ignored by her and when I get to speak my mind, it's like my words come out from one ear to another from her and I get snapped at by her by no reason. I just had a discovery. Maybe your friend feels like that. She feels like her opinion is not heard and snaps. Through all the useless information above, here's my advice: when she says something that you don't agree with that much, just go with what she is saying. I know that sounds impersonal, but if you don't want her hurt feelings hurting you, just take the time to agree with something you may not agree with at all. That's what i usually do, in order to prevent conflict(<--typical INFPness).

**I have probably repeated myself in the paragraph above, but I type instantly when I think.

[Lummex]

My best friend and roommate is an ENTP, and we do clash sometimes. But I don't really see myself as similar to your INFP friend, as I still listen a lot more than debate with her. However, I cannot always control feeling personally attacked by some things that she says, so in that case I will probably be a little bit mocking or condescending with her.

Now, I don't know you so I wouldn't want to suggest this is true of all ENTPs, but to me sometimes she comes off as pretty cocky, and kind of makes a weird face, like she's irked or something about what I think or what my opinion is. Or she'll laugh at something i say and think it's completely ridiculous. I don't know you, and i don't think you do those types of things in conversations, but just watch out for appearing too cockey (even though i know a lot of you ENTPs are fond of your cockiness), because to an INFP it probably makes things seem even more like a personal attack, and that's when we can't help but get heated.

It's interesting, I kind of view my ENTP friend similarly to how you view your INFP friend. It's just that she is probably condescending and sort of annoying/bitchy because it's fun for her, whereas the INFP is probably that way because she's legitimately heated/slightly offended.

[NastyCat]

Fi overload!

Rather than saying 'but' which challenges her, how about you pretend to not understand by asking her questions which force her to clarify certain parts that you find to be weak? I tend to keep this up until I can leave...

[benfoldsfive dude]

Rather than saying 'but' which challenges her, how about you pretend to not understand by asking her questions which force her to clarify certain parts that you find to be weak? I tend to keep this up until I can leave...

There's the abstract version

Fi overload!

Can't help it.