Advice request: How do I tell an INFP that I do not like the way she speaks to me (and others sometimes) without hurting her feelings too much or her reacting very defensively?
I have a good friend who is extremely intelligent, but she doesn't debate in a friendly manner very well (I admit, this is my opinion), and debating is a big side to my personality. I usually avoid discussing anything that may spark a debate (which is a lot) because she reacts defensively or condescendingly. Having known her for two years now and having been her roommate for a bit, I've noticed that, in theory, she should know me a lot better and on a deeper level than she does, and I find this sad. I think these misunderstandings are burdening our friendship.
My INFP friend approaches debates as she would giving lectures. If you challenge her facts or definitions, she jumps down your throat rejecting your opinions or observations. I understand that this is typical in debates, but she tends to do this condescendingly, even if we were having a friendly debate. She almost always talks over me or feels the need to "interpret" what I am saying without giving me much more than a few words to explain myself, which usually results in a completely different statement that she thinks I've made than what I was truly trying to say. I tend to give up and let her think what she wants, but I’m starting to realize that that method is causing other problems in our friendship.
A simplified example of an attempted debate:
me to party guests: does ____ only occur if _____ happens and how does it change through time?
party guests: yes, no, maybe, blah, blah, blah...
INFP friend: *lectures us on the history of _____ for 5 minutes without breathing, no one can get a word in, gives us the Oxford's Dictionary's definition of _____.
me: yes, that is true, but we are trying to figure out the correlation of ____ and...
INFP friend: *cuts me off, accuses me of not understanding the definition she just gave and then repeats the definition in my direction while other party guests cast their eyes to the floor or look away
me: yes, I understand, but that is a modern term and...
INFP friend: *cuts me off, accuses me of not knowing what I am talking about, and starts the whole lecture from the beginning again
me: I understand the definition and I'm simply giving you an alternative explanation for ______’s occurrence, I am not saying that you are wrong...
INFP friend: *cuts me off* I am not being defensive. I'm giving you the definition and you don't seem to understand *continues to lecture in my direction on what she already lectured us about*
me: *cut her off* The point is that my original question was, 'does _____ only occur if _____ happens.'
INFP friend: oh, that IS a good question. *said in a surprised manner*
me: I know, thanks *said in a dry manner* (if she had let me say more than three words, this conversation would have been a lot more friendly)
I feel like she only sees the side of me that fits with her life, ideals, and ego (maybe she likes the intellectual attention). Blinders on the rest. How can I present this to her without her being defensive and accusatory? Maybe in a more constructive way with regard to our friendship?
(sorry this is so long)