[rbgj]

The Secret Story Behind Your Romantic Attractions
Discover your own myth of lost love



Published on December 14, 2011 by Ken Page, LCSW in Finding Love
source:The Secret Story Behind Your Romantic Attractions | Psychology Today

Most of us create a personal "myth of lost love," to explain why love has hurt us in the past. Unexamined, this powerful myth leads to painful relationships with people who aren't good for us. Decoded, it illuminates our most tender, authentic self; the very self that can lead us to love. This post will help you discover your own myth of lost love.

The Myth Of Lost Love

What I call the "myth of lost love" is the life-defining story we created in childhood to explain why we were not loved as we needed to be. As most of us grew beyond the relative paradise of infancy, we found ourselves crashing into the painful wall of our parents' limitations. As this happened again and again (as it must, for we are all flawed and human) a curtain went down inside us. We lost our sense of being fully loved, for reasons we simply couldn't understand.

In an attempt to make sense of this pain, we created a personal "myth of lost love." As we grew into adults, this myth became a mold that shaped our romantic futures. At its heart, the myth of lost love is simply a child's attempt to identify the inner flaws that made love go away. Often these "flaws" turn out to be our greatest gifts.

Using the composite story of "Debbie", I'll take you, step by step, through an exploration of the three main aspects of the myth of lost love. At each intersection, I'll present you with a simple question. I encourage you not to hesitate--just answer each question as you go along. You don't have to write anything down, simply think about each question until ideas, insights and answers come to you. At the end of this post, you will have a richer sense of your own myth of lost love.

Debbie's Story

Debbie's relationships were filled with conflict. No relationships seemed to last. Either she or her partner would become too battle-scarred to continue. She came to therapy because she truly wanted a lasting relationship, but had lost hope of ever finding one.

Debbie's parents divorced when Debbie was just seven. Being a single parent with three older boys and one little girl to raise, Debbie's mother had limited energy for the subtleties of her intense daughter's inner life. She seemed stressed and harried almost all the time. Often, she would ignore or even rebuff her daughter's childlike attempts to bring her mother into her world. Debbie assumed she was loved, yet she never felt cherished. She was full of emotion, creativity and enthusiasm, but being repeatedly rebuffed made her become more and more withdrawn.

The truth was too much for Debbie to comprehend or to bear: Her mother wasn't particularly interested in her sensitivity and creativity. So Debbie developed a private story to explain her mothers' rejection, and to protect herself from experiencing such shameful pain again. Debbie's myth, like most of ours, had three distinct parts; a belief in the unsafety of love, a blaming of self, and a set of strategies designed to protect her from further pain.

Part One: Love Is Unsafe

Debbie could only remember a few times in her life that her mother had shown her real tenderness, yet she had many memories of feeling humiliated when she showed her "soft side." As a result, Debbie grew up experiencing the world as a cold place, a place where true tenderness was unattainable.

• What parts of you were not understood or appreciated in your family? What parts were overlooked, taken advantage of, or even abused?
• What lessons did this teach you about the world?
• What betrayals are you still on the lookout for?

Part Two: We Are To Blame
Second, the myth of lost love explains why this is all our fault. As a child, Debbie had no way of knowing that her mother was the problem. In a child's land, the parent is God. So she explained her mother's limitations in the way that made sense to her. "She's right. There is something wrong with me."

Then, our myth of lost love continues its path of damage by telling us exactly what makes us unworthy of love. Most of us will be in battle with that message for much of our lives. Debbie's myth explained what was wrong with her in the most crippling terms. It homed in on her most vulnerable, needy, and nonconforming qualities - her core gifts of tenderness and passionate emotionality - and convinced her that those very gifts were to blame for her loss of love. It taught her that her vulnerability and intensity were humiliating traits that made her unlovable.

• What did you tell yourself was wrong with you?
• Which fundamental aspects of yourself did you become ashamed of, or learn to hide?

Part Three: We Can Protect Ourselves

Third, our myth of lost love explains how we can defend ourselves from an unsafe world. As a child Debbie learned not to rail against her mother's coldness. She tried to be the best little girl in the world. But the anger that took root in Debbie as a child came to full bloom in Debbie as an adult. Although she was still trying to be the best little girl in the world, she also vowed never to be humiliated again. Instead, whenever she felt too vulnerable, she would mount a pre-emptive strike and, in the process, her over-the-top anger would undermine and eventually destroy every budding relationship.

• How did you learn to protect yourself from being hurt again?
• What pre-emptive actions do you take to protect your tender core? (Usually, typical defenses include withdrawal, suppressing feelings, anger and the use of manipulation)

The Heart of The Story: Your Core Gifts

At one point in therapy, Debbie had an insight which changed the course of her intimacy life. She recalled a childhood experience. She was about four years old, and she found a Monarch butterfly, dead on the pavement. She picked it up, crying, and brought it to her aunt. Her aunt, a very cold person, looked at Debbie's's tear-stained face and began to laugh. In fury, Debbie acted without thinking. She dropped the butterfly, hauled off and slugged her aunt!

As Debbie told me this story, her tears began to flow, but they were mixed with understanding laughter. She finally recognized the message of this story, and it helped her understand her entire relationship history.

Her insight was about her tender heart-and the passionate fury that surfaced when that tender heart was spurned. Her hair-trigger temper finally began to make sense. Now, she could begin to work more wisely with the anger she felt every time her soul felt unrecognized.

Embracing Our Core Gifts

As an adult, Debbie had learned to despise the gifts at the core of her identity. She believed, quite wrongly, that her vulnerability, her tenderness, and her sensitivity were weaknesses that she "must overcome." In fact, they were Debbie's greatest strengths. They were the language with which she expressed love, and so all her efforts to "overcome" or suppress them ultimately failed.

Those gifts were a central part of Debbie's whole being. As far as she tried to get away from them, and as successful as she became without them, an invisible string always kept her attached to them. At a certain point, the string just stopped stretching. She realized that she hadn't found the love she wanted, that the life she had dreamed of was passing her by. She felt an inexplicable emptiness inside--and she didn't know what to do about it.

• What are the gifts you thought you had to hide or control in order to find love?
• What parts of you are you most afraid will be taken advantage of, mocked, or ignored?

Core Gifts And The Search For Romantic Love

In therapy Debbie realized that by disdaining her core gifts she was in fact disdaining herself. She discovered that her most intense attractions were with people who, like herself, hadn't learned to value vulnerability, tenderness or sensitivity! She had wasted years of her life trying to get men to love her who were as ambivalent toward her gifts as she was. Finally, she realized that disavowing her core gifts would never get her the genuine intimacy she desired.

Debbie's task at that point was to find her way back to the gifts she had left behind, to identify them, to cherish them, to let them lead her to a partner who could also recognize and treasure her gifts. This is not an easy process, but it is part of the heroic journey to genuine intimacy.
In my years as a therapist, I've seen that the more we hide our core gifts, the more we will find ourselves with people who also devalue those gifts. Conversely, to the degree we embrace, treasure, and reclaim these gifts, we somehow find - and stay with - people who love us for who we are.

This is where the path to intimacy becomes almost binary. We can follow what I call our attractions of deprivation, choosing partners who almost love us, who sometimes accept us for who we are, and who are somewhat available-and then we can prove our worth by getting them to love us. This route is otherwise known as the path to hell.

Or instead, we can choose someone who treasures and validates our core gifts with relative consistency. These attractions are what I call attractions of inspiration, and they are, quite simply, the path to real love. They may not seem as exciting at first, because there is less of a chase involved, but they are the way to find happiness in love. Each of these two forms of attraction follows its own trajectory (attractions of inspiration need to be cultivated in ways that few of us are taught. More about this in future posts.)

• Who in your life has consistently valued your "core gifts?"
• What has it been like to have a relationship like that?

The more you follow your attractions of inspiration, the more you will find people who love you for who you are, and this is the greatest way to learn to love yourself. As you learn to build relationships with kind and available people, and learn to forsake the thrilling seductiveness of attractions of deprivation, your childhood myth will gradually lose its force, and your entire romantic journey will change for the better.

[ethylester]

Interesting post. I think I'll go through and answer the questions. I have nothing to do at work today but sit at this computer. Might as well reflect on stuff... :)

• What parts of you were not understood or appreciated in your family? What parts were overlooked, taken advantage of, or even abused?
I feel like my mom and dad were polar opposites. My dad understood me and loved me for who I was. My mom did not. My dad encouraged me to be creative and artistic. My mom just wanted me to behave. So, the parenting I got was pretty split down the middle. Let's talk about mom - I feel like she manipulated my kindness many times into feeling sorry for her so that she can boss me around. She often laid big guilt trips on me if I didn't feel like doing everything she wanted me to. I think this resentment has followed through in my work. I have a job that I do not like and yet I sit here and tolerate it because it's "what I'm supposed to be doing." I let people in authority tell me what to do without question. I am afraid of the consequences. But I resent the hell out it!
If we look at my dad, who himself was a musician, he always encouraged me to pursue music. My only complaint about it was that I was never good enough. There was always something I could improve on. He's the professional. He knows music inside and out. I'm just dinking around on the guitar and singing whimsically. I don't promote myself or my band, I don't care about getting gigs, getting paid, all that stuff. And he just can't fathom why I am not sticking my neck out there and trying to be perfect. It has actually pushed me farther away from music. Because if I can't do it perfectly like dad, then why even try? All my music projects have been vehemently "lo-fi", and I think it's in rebellion from my dad's professionalism. I am at the opposite end of that. I want it to sound shitty. Shitty to me sounds good.

• What lessons did this teach you about the world? Honestly, it has made me jaded about a lot of things. I have this crummy job and I feel like I have to just duke it out. and I don't pursue music as much anymore and part of it is because I know it's not going to be perfect. I feel like I'm not supposed to make waves. I feel silenced. People don't want to hear from me. That's another thing that I got from my mom - children should be seen and not heard. I always got the feeling she was annoyed with me. All the time. Like I was always doing something wrong by just existing. So I try to keep a low profile and keep my mouth shut I a lot. I just let life happen and I don't fight much.

• What betrayals are you still on the lookout for?
I guess I'm on edge a lot. I walk around feel guilty all the time like whatever I'm doing is wrong and bad. I am always expecting someone to come along and yell at me.

• What did you tell yourself was wrong with you?
Um... I don't really think about it like that. I guess if I had to pinpoint it, I feel like I'm very lazy. I feel like I give up easily. So I'm weak and lazy and I don't want to take on responsibilities. They seem like huge burdens to me. I would rather people just not talk to me. Not because there is something wrong with me, but because I don't want them to wrap me into something and make me feel obligated to do anything for them.

• Which fundamental aspects of yourself did you become ashamed of, or learn to hide?
I keep my tastes pretty well hidden. I guess on my facebook profile, you can see my tastes in things. And if you come to my house, you will see. But I don't go around talking about my tastes. I just get the impression that my tastes are silly to other people and that they will not understand what I like about anything. And even if they try to understand, it won't be because they like it too, it will be out of pity or something. Or like I'm a spectacle.

• How did you learn to protect yourself from being hurt again?
I have married a man who is incredibly passive, independent and respectful of me. He never hassles me about anything, he doesn't expect me to do anything, he leaves me to my thing and doesn't get mad at me, ever. He is a sweetheart. He doesn't have much aspiration to be anything amazing or make tons of money or anything, but neither do I. I like to stay on the margins. I enjoy just being on the outside looking in. Me and my husband are both like this. We can do our thing and no one is going to hassle us. We are each other's refuge.

• What pre-emptive actions do you take to protect your tender core? (Usually, typical defenses include withdrawal, suppressing feelings, anger and the use of manipulation)
I guess it depends on who is pissing me off. If it's work, I will drag my ass and be a bitch and not look anyone in the eye. If it's my mom, I will smart off to her and be really mean and scathing. If it's my dad, I will usually withdraw or pout. Maybe cry. If it's my husband, I will tell him how I feel directly and listen to him and we both open up and talk about things. In general, though, I tend to suppress my feelings or else I will write about them somewhere privately.

• Who in your life has consistently valued your "core gifts?"
My dad, for the most part. Also my husband. Also the people who I volunteer with at the crisis line. they are incredibly supportive of me and my emotional tenderness. I can tell they really value my insights and who I am as a person.

• What has it been like to have a relationship like that?
With all of these, it's usually very safe and loving. I feel accepted and my burdens are lifted.

I feel like my answers were all over the place. I know the questions were about love, but I had a hard time sticking to one thing. Thought-provoking though!

[fretterfet]

Just picking out a few questions here...

• What did you tell yourself was wrong with you?

Eventually? Everything. In the beginning, mainly just sensitivity and selfishness.

• Which fundamental aspects of yourself did you become ashamed of, or learn to hide?

Again, pretty much everything. Emotions... desires... in high school, my face... Not that my parents had anything to do with that last one. My mom just made fun of me for hiding behind long bangs. But then again, so did most everyone else.

[Diamondeyes]

I needed this today! Thank you.
To answer the questions; much time and thought needed.
Maybe another time.
Your post was very relative to me

[Weeder]

Helpful, insightful and absolutely hits home loud and clear.

[adverseaffects]

• What parts of you were not understood or appreciated in your family? What parts were overlooked, taken advantage of, or even abused?
• What lessons did this teach you about the world?
• What betrayals are you still on the lookout for?

Whenever I opened/open up about my inner life, what I see or feel, believe or experience, or talk without thinkng, make jokes and relax, my dad goes off on me. I'll never forget some of these instances. My mom protected me by giving me support during these times, but I felt like my dad thought my essence was wrong. When I was maybe 5 or 6 I couldn't sleep when we were in a hotel on Christmas vacation. Mom told me to go to sleep and I said I couldn't, my mind was racing. Dad got out of bed and started yelling abruptly and told me to get into the car, we were going home, he couldn't deal with me ruining the entire trip. Once he bought a burrito at a drive through and asked if I wanted one. We were going to his work cause he had to spend the day working, I don't remember why I was there. Normally he'd buy burritos in sets of 6 so we'd just eat them for breakfast or whatever. I forgot I said I didn't want one and asked him if I could get into the bag of burriots. He look at me slowly and with fury and told me I said I didn't want on and how by making it so he couldn't provide for me and selfishly asking for a burrito, making him feel guilty for having one, I had ruined his day, and he threw his burrito at me and it got on me and all over the floor. It was his work-place so he spent the next ten minutes angrily cleaning up burrito gunk off the carpet. Once I was a little kid and pretending to be a dinosaur. my mom had just moved out, I was living with my dad. He was working, he was stressed. I gave him a playful hug from behind. He snapped at me and started yelling, he got up and toppled the chair over abruptly. The way it was with my dad is by doing small things I wasn't aware were bad, instead of him saying, "Stop that's annoying", he'd yell or over-react to the degree I'd be scared and shaking. he'd throw things and cuss and call me names and I'd cry and apologize and he'd say "You're not SORRY you're full of shit!" Oh, there's tons of other stories, some smaller and some worse.
Anyways, I think I learned that I can't trust myself, that I don't know what reactions I'm going to get from people and I have to say the right things or they'll hate me.
I reacted by withdrawing from him entirely and people in general, actually. It took years for me to "thaw out", I did not talk at all, I retreated from people and groups, I did not share about myself. I see now how scared I was of "being wrong". I internalized that sense of "wrongness". What made me furious is my dad would mock me about this and he was the cause. i just felt I was attacked no matter what I did.
I felt so hopeless. I didn't want to die but I felt dead already. I didn't cry about it, because I didn't even know I was unhappy. My primarry goal was to fix myself. I spent most of time in my head. I did not talk to my parents. I was filled with rage for being rejected and hurt and motsly for being mocked. I would sometimes react with fierce outburts of temper that they would use against me. I started turning the temper inwards against myself and would hurt myself.
It took me years to realize I was really angry at my parents for rejecting and mostly for mocking me when I wasn't going anything wrong. Once I started getting angry at them, to their faces, i stopped hating myself so much and started making friends and opening up again. I was a really out-going, popular kid before I went to live with my dad. That was the worst year of my life, and the years that followed weren't so good either.

• How did you learn to protect yourself from being hurt again?
• What pre-emptive actions do you take to protect your tender core? (Usually, typical defenses include withdrawal, suppressing feelings, anger and the use of manipulation)
I had a dream I was an apple and I was cutting myself with a metal grid pressed down onto the apple. Each person got a different square chunk of me, but I felt horribly guilty that they didn't know what was in the rest of the apple and I was preoccupied with when I'd have to reveal what the "whole" me was-- and I felt guilty for feeding them bits of me on false pretenses.
Anyways, I think it means that I don't trust people to react to me well and I measure what they want and try to hide the rest. I am supersensitive to rejection and sometimes catch myself thinking if soemone doesn't like me or interaction doesn't go well, "I didn't play it right, I need to develope my character more." I am in a big game or pretend where I hide everything and wait to see what is safe to reveal. I feel mis-represented by almots everyone and resent that no one is safe.
These are some things I still see myself belieivng and employing in day to day interactions.
It is not safe to relax.
It is not safe to be yourself.
People's words and actions do not match up.
People say I love you but it doesn't mean anything-- they are just as likely to fly off the handle at you or reject you later.
What you say will be used against you later so you have to watch what you say
You have to be what people want to be loved
People are not capable of loving who you really are so you have to edit and fit into their "interests"
people's perceptions of you do not match up to your own and the person they love may not even exist in your own mind
You have to be someone else to be loved and being yourself will not be rewarded.
The only way to be listened to is to get angry.
Being yourself will drive others away
You have to choose between being yourself and being loved
You are bad.

Something I've repressed almost entirely is playing around and having fun. Talking with my family is almots alawys serious and anything I say is turned into a fight. I am extremely tense even with my close friends. The few times I can relax and laugh and not worry is such a relief to me-- I wish it was easier to get to that point. I am always waiting for someone to tell me I'm doing it wrong. Relating to people feels like a test. I am scared to fail. I don't know the rules. Other people make the rules. They can set it up so I fail no matter what. I don't trust anyone. Anyways, when I was younger I was always joking and playing, I honestly thought the only meaning of life was to have fun. It's hard for me to have fun now.

As for internalized beliefs, I guess I just believed I am not good enough. What I felt was natural got horrible reactions. I started repressing all my reactions and second-guess myself constantly. I am scared to relax with others, especially those I am close to or men. I am scared they'll hate me.

[adverseaffects]

This also means if someone wants me or likes me I think they are misinformed or don't really know me because the only have one chunk of the apple. If they knew the rest they wouldn't think that way.
This is why I mostly think love is part illusion. People love you for your traits or what you show them. Everyone edits. No one is capable of loving all of you. It's fine, I don't need people to love all of me. Each person can get a different part of me. And then there's a part of me just for myself. Sometimes it makes me lonely though. Sometimes it makes me angry too, at having to play charades all the time with people and guess what they want from me.