[gaudy316]

I noticed that INFPs are by far the pickiest when it comes to choosing significant others. Our standards are quite high and expect our loved ones to enter our lives and save us. Let's face it, we want someone that's happy, pretty, positive, understanding, accepting, loyal, smiling, and somewhat intellectually challenging.

Interesting (not sure accurate) enough, check out this page:

MBTI Demographics - all types - INTJ Forum

Out of all INFPs surveyed, only 30% were married, which put us in the lowest percentage married. Why? Two guesses:

1. "Our standards are quite high and expect our loved ones to enter our lives and save us. Let's face it, we want someone that's happy, pretty, positive, understanding, accepting, loyal, smiling, and somewhat intellectually challenging."

2. Some INFPs (including myself) have the "I'm not good enough" defeatist attitude that shun others from entering our lives because we're either become paranoid/defensive or enclosed in our shell.

Fortunately, I am glad to humble myself and acknowledge my weaknesses and develop my strengths through this site. Even from the forums here, I have made a lot of different decisions that have affected me. I meet women in real life through online services (Match, to be specific). I control how I act and converse in groups. If I type (which personality) someone correctly, I know how to better interact with the person. I can understand why someone personalities act the way they do (my parents are ISTJ/ENTJ and I finally understand them).



Last summer, I met an ESFJ and we were a couple for 6 months. She fit my previous standards almost perfectly. My initial reaction was that she is indeed a match! She gave me attention, loyalty, love, and acceptance. I thought I was going to marry her. 6 months later, I had to break up with her. I felt too overwhelmed by her sensitivity (she will SOB over anything). How I won over her heart felt too easy and un-challenging. I felt disappointed to drive to her an hour away (that's 2 hours for a round trip). We began to argue (something I've always wanted to run away from). Even if I don't see her, I have to talk to her for at least 90 minutes over the phone or skype. I began to devalue her strengths and pick up on all her weaknesses. She was driving me insane. It was my fault too. I put her on a pedestal all along, which I realized after the fallout.

At the height of my resentment, I revised my previous "standards" twice. My first revision. I wanted to be with someone that is emotionally distant and insensitive yet loyal. I felt that this just wasn't me so I deleted it. I revised my standard one more time: I must know her completely before I can like her. I'm beginning to mature.

I don't know how fast and deep other INFPs get in their relationships (especially based on infatuation), but from now on, I will go slow. Because I set high standards on women before, I will not do that anymore. Instead, I will be the standard. I will be completely open and honest to anyone I meet. I will be accepting, understanding, loyal (when relationship is firmly established --- no passiveness), upbeat (my father always told me to smile and look happy), energetic, and curious (to get to know the person).

Here are my questions to the MARRIED (sure, previously married too) INFPs:

1. What was your first reaction when you met your spouse? Love at first sight? Bad impression? Just another classmate/co-worker?
2. What were your standards before meeting your husband/wife?
3. After marriage, did you realize that you had the wrong standards all along? Or, does your husband/wife fit your standards?
4. What are your CRITICAL thoughts of what I wrote? Be honest and painful.
5. What personality type is your SO (significant other)?
6. Got any tips for your fellow INFPs and other single members of this site on finding and identifying the SO and developing a healthy relationship?
7. How old were you when you first met your spouse and what age did you marry?

[telepariah]

1. Love at first sight
2. I had decided I would be a bachelor forever and was fine with that. My standards were mostly in the realm of sexual desire because I wasn't looking for a relationship.
3. No. My standards before were not the same as the standard that she set as soon as I met her. She became my new standard because she was the first and only woman I ever wanted to grow old with.
4. I think you are saying something that I relate to. Before I had decided to be a bachelor, I was constantly putting the women I was interested on a pedestal and winding up disappointed. Not fair.
5. INFx
6. Tips on finding, I don't know. It was just blind luck that we met and were instantly in a 1 on 1 interaction for a couple of hours. Everything changed in those two hours. As for developing a healthy relationship, again, I am no authority. While we are committed to each other, our relationship leaves a lot to be desired on both of our parts. I'm not attentive enough for her and she's not passionate or flexible enough for me. And whenever one of us tries to change the other, there is resistance and strife. So the one thing is, don't try to make another person change for you. If she wants to she will. If she doesn't, and you still want to be with her, you have to accept her the way she is (or him). A good place to start from in any case.

[ethylester]

1. What was your first reaction when you met your spouse? Love at first sight? Bad impression? Just another classmate/co-worker?
I thought he was cute and I was impressed by the things I was told about him (that he was a national running champion and could eat a two pound burrito and still be hungry. haha) I was dating his good friend at the time and I honestly didn't have an inkling of an idea that he would be the man I married. I know i was attracted to him and I know my boyfriend thought the world of him and that he seemed to be quiet and smiled all the time, but that was it. It wasn't for a few years until the attraction worked its way into my heart and I knew he was the one for me. It was a very s-l-o-w process. We knew each other 5 years before we became romantic.

2. What were your standards before meeting your husband/wife?
I wanted a man who had similar music taste as me, was a musician, lived music the same way I did. He needed to be generally happy, carefree, spontaneous, up for adventure, and mysterious to a certain extent. Intelligent, open-minded, nonjudgmental. That's about it. oh and I always like a man who is a little off, a little eccentric, doesn't go with the flow.

3. After marriage, did you realize that you had the wrong standards all along? Or, does your husband/wife fit your standards?
No. We have only been married a year and a half but have been together for almost 7 years. Not a whole lot has changed. We have gotten used to each other, that's for sure. My standards haven't changed, I don't feel like I have "standards" at all. I guess my standards are more general now? I want him to be faithful to me, to listen to me when I need someone, to be there for me when I need it and to help me when I need it. I want him to think of me every day and keep me in mind when he makes decisions about his life. And yes, I believe he does these things.

4. What are your CRITICAL thoughts of what I wrote? Be honest and painful.
I don't think it's a horrible idea to have high standards but be forgiving when someone has all but one, for example. You can always 'work on' people. My husband was painfully shy when I met him. He didn't have a lot of confidence. But now he talks more, he's made some great friends, his inner beauty has come out. He's a different person. He's still shy but he is more confident, his protective shell has been broken and he is free. I think this stemmed from being loved by me. He has told me this before, too. I feel like you can pretty much love anyone if you put your mind to it. And if they love you back and it feels right, then maybe it will last. As for being defeatist, I am not sure I can relate to that. But I hope that when someone loves you, that you will be able to love them back. And that you will be able to see yourself through their eyes, as a beautiful and worthy human being.

5. What personality type is your SO (significant other)? INTP

6. Got any tips for your fellow INFPs and other single members of this site on finding and identifying the SO and developing a healthy relationship?
Open up your heart. We are all human. People just want to be loved and to love. Show interest in someone and they will likely show interest in you. If they don't reciprocate, don't give up. You don't have to change anything about yourself. Just try to find someone else. I don't know... INFPs have such a great capacity to care for someone else. Anyone should feel lucky to have a healthy INFP on their side. Sounds arrogant of me, but that's the way I see it. :)

[OrangeAppled]

Can I add a 7th question? How old were you when you met your marriage mate and when you actually married?
Thanks.

[ethylester]

Can I add a 7th question? How old were you when you met your marriage mate and when you actually married?
Thanks.

When we met, I was 20 years old. When we began dating I was 25. When we got married I was 30.
:)
Oh, and so was he.

[infpblog]

1. What was your first reaction when you met your spouse? Love at first sight? Bad impression? Just another classmate/co-worker?
I had just broken up with my first love 6 months before. So I wasn't really interested in anyone. She seemed nice enough, but I wasn't particularly attracted to her or wanted to date. She wasn't really attracted to me either. We just ran into each other at the dance clubs for months before I asked her out.

2. What were your standards before meeting your husband/wife?
I thought I would be married to someone who's was artsy and spiritual. At the time, she was getting Finance degree and studying to be a stock broker. She quit about 3 months after she became a stock broker and went to film school and started her own video editing business. 17 years later, she's composing music, making music video, and she's studying Integral Spirituality which is really way beyond me.

3. After marriage, did you realize that you had the wrong standards all along? Or, does your husband/wife fit your standards?
I don't have standards. I have a belief about how long term relationships should work. I believe that the purpose of having relationships is to make 1+1=3, where being in that relationship lets you create more with your life than on your own. In the last 16 years, I've manage to create a life with her that dwarfs what I could have on my own. When I say create, I mean having experiences, accomplishing goals, growing, becoming the person you've wanted to be, etc. That's the purpose of other people in your life. Having them in your life in some way helps you create more than without them in your life.

We don't like the same books. We don't like the same movies. We have differing philosophies on how to raise children. Her processes are completely different than mine. We have the same core values but there are things we disagree with. Common interests are very surface level and they change. People change. She's not the person I married. Neither am I. That's why "standards" don't work because "standards" tend to be very fixed an don't accommodate the fact that people will grow away from those standards.

4. What are your CRITICAL thoughts of what I wrote? Be honest and painful.
I use to think that identity was very fixed. I don't think that's true anymore. We assume the person we fell in love with will be that person forever. We're radically different now then who we were 15 years ago. My wife changed careers, religions and life views. She was adamant on not having kids. Then she changed her mind. The question very few people seem to ask is how will we change over the years? Does my beliefs about relationships accommodate that change?

People talk about standards like whether a person is happy or supportive or whatever is what really makes a relationship work. Bad things happen and sometimes the happy person can't deal with and becomes unhappy for years. Then what? Or that supportive person gets swamped with the day-to-day realities of laundry, dishes and work and becomes less attentive. Then what?

I think there is the only thing that really matters in the long run. Everyone has problems and at no time in your life will you be problem free. Your life will be a series of ongoing problems to be solved, like how the laundry will get done or we're not as passionate now as we were a decade ago or how will we have enough to retire. What matters is to find someone who wants to solve the same problems with you.


5. What personality type is your SO (significant other)?
INTJ

6. Got any tips for your fellow INFPs and other single members of this site on finding and identifying the SO and developing a healthy relationship?

When I see the various people in my life from the ones who have been in long term relationships to the one who weren't able to make it work, the more I realize that it's kind of a crap shoot and there's a lot of luck involved.

Just because you meet someone who fits all your standards doesn't mean that the relationships will last. Having a relationships requires being good at relationships skills and not so much about meeting the right person. If you suck at those skills (communication, time management, etc) then your relationship will always be limited by your skill level. Sometimes that skill level is insufficient to overcome the rough spots in long term relationships. I find that people who focus on short term relationships skills that help you meet people and connect don't transition over to developing the long-term relationships skills that keep you together.

Don't bother about whether you have the same interests or even if not all your values align (as long as the 2 or 3 core ones do). When you meet someone, and you start talking, figure out if they've been trying to solve the same life problems as you have over the last 4 years. If they have then there's a good chance that they're walking a similar life path as you are and then that's when you decide whether to walk together or not for as long as you can.


7. How old were you when you met your marriage mate and when you actually married?
I was 24 when I met her in March 1995. Got engaged around August 1996. I was 26, when we married in November 1996.

[IcarusDreams]

I am not lucky enough to be married. However, some pretty good observations have already been mentioned that I tend to agree with:

-Watch out for being too demanding/picky. Leave enough room for individuals to have human flaws, and let them be who they are. After all, you might end up enriching his/her life, and he/she yours (I am not talking about "fixing" your mate, though.)

-I firmly believe that we should be more demanding with ourselves than with others (I.E. sometimes we demand too much of other people when we ourselves have areas in which we need to grow. Indeed, before making myself available to date, I went through a series of personal life changes, just because I felt that many people demanded their mates to become sort of dream man/woman that they themselves weren't.) That said, never shoot yourself down, because if you are too strict, you might never feel "ready."

-Never, ever feel unworthy to be loved. Even at your current personal development, you are worthy to be loved and accepted just as you are. You ARE more than good enough to be loved. This is important, because you might be missing out on great people that may be interested in you, just because for any given reasons (perfectionism, lack of confidence, a need to be "rescued"/"fixed") you deem yourself "out of their league"/unworthy of their attention. As I mentioned on another thread, most people become "unattainable" only in our minds-if somebody is interested in you, he/she probably is, so don't make it harder by not believing yourself worthy of that attention.

I hope to read more from married INFPs, and wish you well on your beautiful journey as couples. :)

[tissa]

I am not married but I just thought it was an interesting thread. I am INFP but I do not change relationships fast at all. In fact I fall in love deep and hard and I become very forgiving of the people and my standards start to bend. A lot of times i start accepting things that I never would have thought I would accept (i think it is a good thing AND a bad thing as well. Good coz everyone is human and they do not have to be as I want them to be. Bad coz often I settle down for being treated badly - that is something I need to work on).
It takes me a LOOONG time to get over someone I was with. I do not know if it is typical for NFFPs or not...but that is how I am. And by "long" I do not mean a month or two. I mean a year or two.

[gaudy316]

4. What are your CRITICAL thoughts of what I wrote? Be honest and painful.
I use to think that identity was very fixed. I don't think that's true anymore. We assume the person we fell in love with will be that person forever. We're radically different now then who we were 15 years ago. My wife changed careers, religions and life views. She was adamant on not having kids. Then she changed her mind. The question very few people seem to ask is how will we change over the years? Does my beliefs about relationships accommodate that change?

People talk about standards like whether a person is happy or supportive or whatever is what really makes a relationship work. Bad things happen and sometimes the happy person can't deal with and becomes unhappy for years. Then what? Or that supportive person gets swamped with the day-to-day realities of laundry, dishes and work and becomes less attentive. Then what?

I think there is the only thing that really matters in the long run. Everyone has problems and at no time in your life will you be problem free. Your life will be a series of ongoing problems to be solved, like how the laundry will get done or we're not as passionate now as we were a decade ago or how will we have enough to retire. What matters is to find someone who wants to solve the same problems with you.

This was one of the biggest worries of having a standard --- ALWAYS changes, so I'll have to be more open-minded and willing to get to know people in depth for all kinds of relationships. Even when the standards were met in my previous relationship, there was a missing X-Factor and I think you identified it --- being able to solve the same problems. In that relationship, I was the one solving everything. She was somewhat amazed at my intuition (I think she's 100% S) and even was mystified by my problem solving skills. But that was the problem: I solved everything for her --- roommate dramas, her spat with her friends, whatever 'insensitive' thing I said that day which made her cry, etc. I felt as if I was her teacher instead.

I think that's what I've overlooked --- the word "partner" in a relationship.

[tissa]

I think that's what I've overlooked --- the word "partner" in a relationship.

It is possible but do not make quick conclusions. Sometimes in a couple one is giving more than the other but it doesnt mean it is always like that. It is possible that at that time in life she was in a place in her life that she was receiving more and u were giving more. It doesn't mean that if the roles were to change she would not be solving your problems (in fact, are you sure you did not overlook her helping you out with things?)