I guess I should start by telling you a little about myself. Hi, im Reid (Nice to meet you everyone!) I'm a 17yr. old male INFP. I recently discovered this through my mother, she's very into the Myers Briggs and got me into when she noticed that I wasn't happy (I'll get to that in a moment.) But, from a very young age, i've always known i was different from the other boys. I didn't enjoy sports, or talking about sports, or anything sports related at all, which i found out is probably a major reason for my lack of male friends, but i really enjoyed reading and drawing when i was little (now im into photography/film, but always an artsy type of guy)
I have specific memories about wanting to grow up so adults would take me seriously and treat me like on of them. I always enjoyed conversing with my teachers over my classmates, i was, and still am, very mature for my age, which very alienating because I would rather talk about philosophy, religion, politics, all that "boring stuff" and not about what Snooki did on the last Jersey Shore. Not to say i dont enjoy fun things, I absolutely love TV shows, (mostly ones with cult followings for some reason, and they have to be "smart" shows too, like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Arrested Development, Breaking Bad, The Sopranos, Weeds, those types of shows, even though i just named a random list.)
You can probably tell that Im avoiding the problem i want to get too, the truth is, im struggling with my sexuality and my lack of male friends, and just fitting in, in general. Like most INFPs, i was, and still am teased to this day for being sensitive and in tune with my emotions. I've been called a fag, gay, homo, you name it, almost never to my face though, but behind my back. I think i got to a point where i started to believe them, that i was gay, because i have an occasional attraction towards men. But ive had the same towards women too, its very confusing. I just dont know what i am...but, anyways, because of this, i dont have any male friends at all, maybe 1 or 2, but not any close ones. I havent found any that are even remotely interested in the same things im interested in, no man likes the music i listen to, the books i read, the shows i watch, the movies i see, ect. it seems to me that they all just like sports and discussing how "hot" a woman is, (sidebar: i hate the word "hot" to describe anyone, its feels like a derogatory term, i prefer "beautiful" "gorgeous" "stunning") its really tough because, i dont like most of my women friends, only a couple of them i enjoy being with. They actually sometimes full-heartily like my interests. But being around so many women is draining, and i still feel like i cant be myself around anyone, not even my family (but they come close to seeing the true me. were very close) I feel like im being vague, but im at a loss of words to describe that predicament.
Theres also my relationship problems, i never find my self interested in girls. only a select few, and they always end up being the artsy, really chill, cool girls that i feel wont give me the time of day. Im not confident at all, i have horrible self esteem, even though im told im attractive, i dont believe them, well, i know im better looking than most, but i want to be more attractive than what i am, when i see a more attractive guy than me, i get really jealous of him.
Thats about as much as i can write at the moment, but some advice would be greatly appreciated. :)