[PumpkinEater]

Okay, so a random thought occurred to me;



What are Infp's like as parents?
I'm really quite curios. how do your children turn out?
do you want to have kids? what was it like raising them?
did they embrace you or resent you?

Please do tell. i bounce back and forth between wanting children and not wanting children.

[Lad]

I can only imagine a wide level of diversity amongst INFPs in terms of parenting, but I can speculate on quite a bit of positive affirmation, a slight lean towards the arts, and a deep-seeded connection based on understanding (or desire to) and acceptance.

As for my own specific beliefs on parenting (keeping it short)
- In loveless marriages, I don't believe in the notion that parents should pretend everything is alright "for the sake of the children" -- kids are more attuned to their environments than we would like to admit.

- In an ideal relationship though, I believe you need to show the greatest possible love imaginable to your spouse -- parents need to provide a stable foundation, display unity, and also show the type of relationship that their children should strive for in the future. Unified parents provide the most balanced parenting, in my opinion.

- Avoid educating your children based on a principle of do's and don'ts, good & bad. This often neglects the all important "WHY" and the reality is your children will face obstacles in your life that you didn't rehearse with them while they were growing up. Emphasize critical thinking & how specific actions or choices can create certain results... let them do the math and weigh the options.

- Allow them to diversify. Nourish their strengths, but also allow them to explore their weaknesses or just the unknown. I think sometimes we look for strengths and just run away with them.

I'll leave it there, but I am absolutely ecstatic about the prospect of being a parent one day. I think this will extend beyond biological kids and into adoption as well. Whether it be going to a baseball game with them, their recitals, meet & greets at school, or telling my boss to fuck off because I'm not going to work tomorrow because I need to be with my kid(s), I will always be there for them.

[PumpkinEater]

Avoid educating your children based on a principle of do's and don'ts, good & bad. This often neglects the all important "WHY" and the reality is your children will face obstacles in your life that you didn't rehearse with them while they were growing up. Emphasize critical thinking & how specific actions or choices can create certain results... let them do the math and weigh the options.

thank you for such a well hought out reply. that was really quite brilliant. just a question, if it's too personal you don't have to answer, but i feel quite similar to you and i've always thought it's because i came from estranged parents and a difficult childhood. how was yours?

[Lad]

thank you for such a well hought out reply. that was really quite brilliant. just a question, if it's too personal you don't have to answer, but i feel quite similar to you and i've always thought it's because i came from estranged parents and a difficult childhood. how was yours?

Stereotypical rough childhood over here.
My logic has always been that...
1. The TV raised me quite a bit (compassion, unity, doing the 'right' thing, etc).
2. and that I learned most of my principles on parenting based on who I didn't want to be, my parent(s) (single mother raised me).

It's really hard to pin point it all to just parenting & childhood, although it probably takes the largest piece of the pie.

[Adriana]

I'll leave it there, but I am absolutely ecstatic about the prospect of being a parent one day. I think this will extend beyond biological kids and into adoption as well. Whether it be going to a baseball game with them, their recitals, meet & greets at school, or telling my boss to fuck off because I'm not going to work tomorrow because I need to be with my kid(s), I will always be there for them.

Just, wow.
That was really inspiring.

I have such negative experiences with my own mother and the relationship between my parents that I've always looked cynically upon parenting as something I would never want to do, something that would bring more sorrow than joy, because it seems a parent can do no good.

But now, well...
Thank you.

[Rick V.]

that was really inspiring
i agree majorly with the fact that kids are more intuned with the enviroment then we think
and having a open relationship with ur child early on also can have a great impact on their future and how much u talk as u get older of course some things their to young to know what to do with but watever question mychild has i will alwys answer and never say wait until u get older and ask me again (my father did this my mother didnt) at a early age i learned some stuff that i was surprised that some of my freinds didnt learn till late middle school or highschool u shouldnt sheild ur child from the world their gonna live in but help exsplain how it became the way it is....
idk thats my 2cents
p.s. lad nice avatar

[Steppenwolf2]

I do not have a child, but would like to have one either biologically or through adoption; however, I would need to provide such a child a financial and emotional stabilility first. I am dealing with my own emotional issues now and mothering my gramma that has dementia as well taking care of a chronically ill sister. I need to get rid of my anxiety, but I think that I would be loving, compassionate, understanding, loyal, open-minded mother that will not spoil the child, but allow him or her to grow in their own direction. I would like that my child is well read and imaginative (but it is up to them I can only provide direction not push them toward what I want them to be) and to have an ability to defend himself and herself against bullies. I would allow his/her creativity to flourish.

[20111017]

Am also mothering my grandma who has dementia here. Just once a wk so far. Love that she is so carefree. She sees herself in the mirror and thinks it's someone else and starts talking to her reflection..

[Mike75]

I think I have a tendancy to be distant, meaning I enjoy observing them and allowing them to figure things out, etc. I don't feel the urge to directly intervene often. I have watched with my heart in my throat at times, and worry about them very much.
I do not approve of the theory that a child is an unspoiled child of the universe or some other nonsense. I have seen what people are capable of with my own eyes. Human beings are wonderous, but by no means pure or even destined for self-fulfillment. I try to impart the importance of having responsibility for others, to try and be aware of their feelings and how they impact others. Basically what I consider to be considerate responsible people. I was horribly disorganized and hated school and was rebellious and stubborn. If that is their path, so be it, I will just try and prevent them from falling off the edge, but every person deserves to find their own truth. I just can't abide assholes, lol.

[Flora]

HmmI'm going to put the negative note here, I'm sorry. I'm not speaking on behalf of all INFPs, I hope no one takes it personally, please.

But not having ever been around children much, I had a very idealised idea of motherhood, babies sleeping sweetly, cupcake making, school fetes..etc.

The reality of child raising can be quite mundane and even though ultimately you are doing the most worthy job in the world, raising another human being, the day to day can be quite a thankless task.

It all depends on your circumstances and motivations of course. I didnt have a lot of help around me, at least nowhere near as much as I needed, so I found things like not sleeping more than a few hours at a time for months when you are recovering from blood loss and major surgery really tough, exhaustion does bad things to your brain. You want to give yourself completely to this little person you adore but I also resented not having the chance to relax and recharge batteries, even a shower was a hurried stressful affair with a toddler yelling next to you. I also found the level of conflict unbearable at times. Your brain tells you they are kids and they don't mean it but I remember feeling desperate sorry for myself when I spent the whole day looking after every their every need and cooking etc only to have a major tantrum because the plate was green not pink. I find the tantrums incredibly hard to deal with, there is no way I can distance myself from the situation and it affects me physically raising my levels of stress and blood pressure in a way that made me even more exhausted. At some point I stopped going out for fear of the screaming and the kicking when I finally contradicted my child (We have to go now, No! that kind of thing). I felt emotionally manipulated and always failing the STJ standards around me (we have to do things the hard way because this is what one does and must sacrifice etc). I also found the lack of intellectual stimulation ok at first but really mind numbing in the longer term.

Having said that, there is absolutely nothing nothing nothing comparable in this world to the love and deep bond you feel for your child. It's mind blowing and I wouldnt change it for the world.

But I think the best mothers have an amount of patience, sacrifice and tolerance for repetition that I don't have, sadly. I think if I had had more help and the chance to recharge I would have been much better at it but I became so emotionally and physically exhausted I remember the whole experience as slightly traumatic. In a job you can have a sick day off, but a child needs you all the time and you want to be there, even if it's affecting you emotionally and physically, it's only after that you think about it and wonder how you managed.