[agreenbough]

I didn't think I had any maternal instinct because I was never interested in other people's kids, and I HATED for someone to hand me their baby without asking, just assuming I wanted to hold it. I didn't. I REALLY didn't.
But when I had my own, I was very aware of the fact that they would only be babies for the blink of an eye, and I didn't want to let other people hold them. Of course I did, sometimes. But I wanted to make sure I got to spend as much time holding them as possible, before they were too big and too independent.
I guess I was lucky that my kids were both kind of low key - and still are - and we have always had a quiet home environment. My husband was also good about getting up with them at night a lot of the time, because he knows I need more sleep than he does.
It is hard being a parent. Now that my kids are older, it's easy to forget how hard it was sometimes. I had a really hard time, as an INFP, dealing with other parents. I was never into the "play date" thing because I had zero desire to spend time with other mothers. But my kids did go to day care, and I didn't ever mind having their friends over to our house. So I don't feel like my introversion kept them from anything.
I have always been interested in making sure my kids have a variety of experiences - traveling, going to plays and museums, reading books, etc. I also read to them a lot. It's fun sharing the world with people to whom it is totally new, who are not yet jaded and cynical. It's a nice way to rediscover the good things about the world for yourself, when you see them through the eyes of your child.

[Cygnus]

i have a two year old and a three year old. if i'm honest, i'd have to say that i don't think that parenting comes easily to me, especially not during these years of toddler tantrums and cycles of repetitive misbehavior/ discipline/ frustration. being a mom exhausts me; and i really mean that: at the end of the day, i am usually sitting on the couch clutching some sort of beverage (hopefully of the more innocent variety) and channel surfing.

i don't have much time for any interests or hobbies, which wears on me and makes it harder for me to stay patient. i've also had some really turbulent times with relationships recently, which wears on anyone at any time, moreso with kids, and i'd imagine weighs on the INFP more than it would some other types. i sustain a lot of guilt, at times, over the challenge of balancing my own needs with the needs of my kids-- it's hard for me to wrap my head around the concept that i need to do some things for me to be happy in order to give them the best chance to be happy and make our relationship the best that it can be. i think that for INFPs, striking that balance of feeling good about yourself/ maintaining your mental and emotional well-being as well as devoting time for your children can be a tough line to walk. it is easy to "lose yourself", and hard to fight your way back to a healthy mental state once that happens.

with that said, i am constantly hugging my kids and telling them that i love them. i want them to grow up knowing that i love them for who they are, whoever that turns out to be, and regardless of anything that they may do. i'm consistent in enforcing the few more rigid rules that i have, but i think i'm a pretty flexible parent in that my kids are allowed to explore, ask questions, and make choices (age appropriately, of course). i've also always talked to them respectfully and as equals right from birth, which i think has benefited our relationship and the way that they already communicate with me. i got a few crazy looks when i was carrying a newborn through the store explaining to them that i don't agree with the way that non-cage-free eggs are harvested from chickens who are forced to live in inhumane conditions, but i wouldn't change it. :)

[PumpkinEater]

I have always been interested in making sure my kids have a variety of experiences - traveling, going to plays and museums, reading books, etc. I also read to them a lot. It's fun sharing the world with people to whom it is totally new, who are not yet jaded and cynical. It's a nice way to rediscover the good things about the world for yourself, when you see them through the eyes of your child.

I'd like to pose a question, if i may :3 this is very similar to how i want to raise my possible future adopted son. my question is, did showing them the traveling, art, plays, books and all effect the people they are now? what's your relationship with them now? do you find them slightly more perceptive than other kids? how were their teens?

[Mike75]

i have a two year old and a three year old. if i'm honest, i'd have to say that i don't think that parenting comes easily to me, especially not during these years of toddler tantrums and cycles of repetitive misbehavior/ discipline/ frustration. being a mom exhausts me; and i really mean that: at the end of the day, i am usually sitting on the couch clutching some sort of beverage (hopefully of the more innocent variety) and channel surfing.

i don't have much time for any interests or hobbies, which wears on me and makes it harder for me to stay patient. i've also had some really turbulent times with relationships recently, which wears on anyone at any time, moreso with kids, and i'd imagine weighs on the INFP more than it would some other types. i sustain a lot of guilt, at times, over the challenge of balancing my own needs with the needs of my kids-- it's hard for me to wrap my head around the concept that i need to do some things for me to be happy in order to give them the best chance to be happy and make our relationship the best that it can be. i think that for INFPs, striking that balance of feeling good about yourself/ maintaining your mental and emotional well-being as well as devoting time for your children can be a tough line to walk. it is easy to "lose yourself", and hard to fight your way back to a healthy mental state once that happens.

with that said, i am constantly hugging my kids and telling them that i love them. i want them to grow up knowing that i love them for who they are, whoever that turns out to be, and regardless of anything that they may do. i'm consistent in enforcing the few more rigid rules that i have, but i think i'm a pretty flexible parent in that my kids are allowed to explore, ask questions, and make choices (age appropriately, of course). i've also always talked to them respectfully and as equals right from birth, which i think has benefited our relationship and the way that they already communicate with me. i got a few crazy looks when i was carrying a newborn through the store explaining to them that i don't agree with the way that non-cage-free eggs are harvested from chickens who are forced to live in inhumane conditions, but i wouldn't change it. :)

I really appreciate this post. The guilt and self criticism is incredibly amped as a parent, especially for our type. Learning to gather your mental sheep after they have been blown to the four winds by wracking guilt or self-defeat and moving forward again is key. For those who aren't parents it is hard to describe. At the end of the day, I want my child to, when he is old enough, to know his family's hearts, know our love and support, and feel secure in exploring from a safe and secure foundation. Boy/girl meets world unencumbered by the fears, failings and even hopes and dreams of his parents. I didn't see most of the good things in my life coming, I would never pretend to see his/her path.

It is a wonderful lesson in "freedom". Here are the facts. When you hold your child for the first times, you enter into bondage so complete that there is no part of you left free. You are bound physically to this little thing, to care for it, clothe it, shelter it. Your dreams are chained to it, your life's path is now bound to its well-being. Your dream job? How about one that lets you clothe, feed, shelter and educate it, the fact that you like it is almost a punchline. And worse, your heart and soul's well being is now walking outside your body, attached to this little thing. It's suffering will cut more deeply, you wish you could take it onto yourself, and if your child died, you know you would want to go into the ground with it. You are enslaved body and soul, but in your submission and acceptance and courage to carry on, you are for the first time, free in a way you can't even imagine from the other side.

[Flora]

Interesting you use the word guilt, i've been riddle by it too.

I also think that the physical affection and the open mindedness are definitely INFP parenting traits. I've noticed I have a lot more physical contact with my child than other mothers I see, it's cuddles and hugs and kisses but I'm also attracted to her like if she was made of silk. I love holding her little hand, I massage her feet and caress her tummy and rub her back when I hold her, I love to feel my skin next to hers. I also tell her that I love her very often and spontaneously and for no reason. I like playing opera to her, and making up stories about princesses and fairies, I've always encouraged her to read and to have an open mind. It's funny that she seems very preoccupied with separating fact from fiction and likes to observe little details to define me, for example says things like your favourite colour is blue and this is blue so I know you like this. etc etc.

[littledeer]

But I think the best mothers have an amount of patience, sacrifice and tolerance for repetition that I don't have, sadly. I think if I had had more help and the chance to recharge I would have been much better at it but I became so emotionally and physically exhausted I remember the whole experience as slightly traumatic. In a job you can have a sick day off, but a child needs you all the time and you want to be there, even if it's affecting you emotionally and physically, it's only after that you think about it and wonder how you managed.

I'm an ISTJ and I hope you don't mind if I chime in here. I could relate to every word of your post about the reality of motherhood. Believe me, being STJ doesn't necessarily make it any easier or less traumatic. Children change your whole world.

My husband is an INFP and he's a great father. He plays with the kids regularly and likes to make them laugh. He'll do things like set up Lego creations or put stuffed animals in strange places for the kids to find after he leaves for work. He makes sure they are safe, have fun and feel loved. He has important conversations with them about values and how to treat other people. I appreciate his hands-on approach to parenthood, since I tend to focus more on the practical side, such as food, clothing, getting the kids to ___ on time, and keeping to our routines.

[adagio]

Every night for years I call Son #3 at 8:30pm and we chat about his day and analyse without analysing the events and I sorta put things into perspective without preaching too much. Recently I got him his own laptop and this is how the chat (concise version) went tonight -

"Hi Dad. Can we chat another time? I'm feeling tired tonight."
"Um, yes, sure son. Tomorrow then?"
"Yes. Tomorrow night."
"OK then, chat tomorrow."
"Dad?"
"Yes, son?"
"I know you know I've been lying and that I'm going on Facebook."
"Well, I understand. It's important for you to chat with friends."
"But I feel guilty for lying to you when you make time every night to call me."
"Well, it's OK. I understand. I was your age once."
"But you know when I'm lying. You know everything I'm thinking. I want you to be clueless when I'm lying so I don't feel guilty."
"Well, all parents know when their children are lying."
"Not my friends' parents. My friends tell them some stupid story and they haven't a clue."
"OK. I'll be clueless next time."
"Well, that doesn't really make any sense now, does it? Because I'll be making you lie for my sake and I'll feel even more guilty."
"Maybe I should get out of your head and give you some privacy?"
"I want privacy but I'll miss you inside my head. It tells me you care about me."
"Hm. Well, what shall we do then?"
"OK, let's chat. But you have only 20 minutes before I have to go."

[Kastor]

I can only imagine a wide level of diversity amongst INFPs in terms of parenting, but I can speculate on quite a bit of positive affirmation, a slight lean towards the arts, and a deep-seeded connection based on understanding (or desire to) and acceptance.

As for my own specific beliefs on parenting (keeping it short)
- In loveless marriages, I don't believe in the notion that parents should pretend everything is alright "for the sake of the children" -- kids are more attuned to their environments than we would like to admit.

- In an ideal relationship though, I believe you need to show the greatest possible love imaginable to your spouse -- parents need to provide a stable foundation, display unity, and also show the type of relationship that their children should strive for in the future. Unified parents provide the most balanced parenting, in my opinion.

- Avoid educating your children based on a principle of do's and don'ts, good & bad. This often neglects the all important "WHY" and the reality is your children will face obstacles in your life that you didn't rehearse with them while they were growing up. Emphasize critical thinking & how specific actions or choices can create certain results... let them do the math and weigh the options.

- Allow them to diversify. Nourish their strengths, but also allow them to explore their weaknesses or just the unknown. I think sometimes we look for strengths and just run away with them.

I'll leave it there, but I am absolutely ecstatic about the prospect of being a parent one day. I think this will extend beyond biological kids and into adoption as well. Whether it be going to a baseball game with them, their recitals, meet & greets at school, or telling my boss to fuck off because I'm not going to work tomorrow because I need to be with my kid(s), I will always be there for them.

This. All of this. Especially about not pretending everything is okay. I've always hated it when my parents would do that, especially when they'd put on the fake happy in front of strangers while I leered at them, still feeling the negativity and wondering why they're being so dishonest.

[infpblog]

I'm brainwashing my daughters. They're 8 and 5. Every night before bed I make them talk for at least 15 minutes. They talk. I listen. Once every few weeks, I ask them the same 5 questions. What do you want me and mom to do more of? What do you want me to do less of? What should we start doing that we aren't doing now? What should we stop doing? What are you grateful for?

Sometimes they tell me about princesses. Sometimes they talk about their problems. It's been a few years so they're use to it now. I figure by the time they're teenagers, talking to me will be so ingrained they'll find it hard to break that habit.

My wife and I have some advantages though. We were together 7 years before we decided to adopt. And those 7 years built a strong foundation between us before the kids. We also have the same philosophy which is we weren't going to give up our lives for the kids. We started doing international travel with the my oldest when she was three. We just had to give up museums for the time being.

The hard part is finding alone time. For me since I'm a night person, I get my time from 10-1a. For my wife, she gets time during the day when their in school. I'm home by 5p so she only has them alone for 2 hours. Once a month, I take the kids to see my parents so my wife can have the entire day to herself. I have lunch with friends and my parents get to spoil the kids for a few hours.

My oldest is an INFP. My youngest is an ES?J (can't figure if she's a feeler or thinker yet). Same rules for both but I raise them differently. My youngest freaks if things aren't regimented. I give my oldest more flexibility. My oldest is more touchy-feely. My youngest doesn't like to cuddle except when she wakes up.

Every parent has their own style and every parent does the best they can. And since I'm not pushing my kids to go to college, they can use their college fund for therapy.

[Eolande]

I have 3 kids. My daughter is nearly 13, my oldest son is 11 and my youngest is 3 1/2. I am a single mother, my older 2 spend a few days a week with their Dad and my youngest's Dad is no longer in his life. They are all intelligent, healthy, creative and very, very talkative.

It's not easy being a parent and I also had visions of picnics in the garden with butterflies fluttering by my peacefully cooing baby. I did get some of that (butterflies included) but really, it was hard. You just can't be prepared for the tiredness and loss of freedom. You are responsible for them 24/7. You want to do the absolute best for them, to make their start in life as perfect as possible, but how is that possible when you are utterly shattered and somewhat resentful? Guilt is inevitable.

As an INFP, it is essential that you have support as a parent and it is also the hardest thing to ask for if it's not forthcoming. I suggest you make certain you are in a strong relationship before having children because it is hard on your own. You can't just take time off to recharge your batteries. If you've been vomiting all night and can barely walk for the pain, you don't get a day off.

I do tell my kids that I need quiet time and alone time. They are reasonably good about it. Sometimes I say they can't have a friend over if it means I will have to interact with their parents and I'm really not in the mood. I am honest with my kids. They wanted to know where they came from or how babies are made I told them, or read them a book about it. My daughter knew before the age of 5 and it hasn't done her any harm.

I definately like that my daughter draws, reads alot, wins wearable art competitions and cooking competitions (yaye), goes to drama classes and wants Doc Marten boots for her 13th birthday. I'm fine with my 11 year old son having shoulder length hair and playing rugby, talks to himself, retains information like a sponge and is full of interesting historical facts...although boy he can talk..(I'm not quite so chilled over his hyper ADD tendancies, he's hard work!!!

My children were given a lot more freedom than I see other children getting these days. I didn't mind if they wanted to splash in puddles, roll in the dirt, wear bare feet, or if my son wanted to wear a pink fairy costume to town. (lol). I have read to them alot and the older 2 have always been well above their age for reading. My youngest isn't far off reading and is brighter and far more extrovert than the other 2. I have always nurtured their imaginations and attempted to create magical memories for them. (I'm really trying to hold onto the Santa Claus and Tooth Fairy, lol). I'm honest about most things but I want them to have magic and wonder too. I encourage them to form their own opinions, to put themselves in other people's shoes and to treat all living things with kindness and respect. I am affectionate and we all openly say "I love you" and hug. Actually my daughter says it too much and it gets a tad annoying. People have commented that we appear very close.

I basically wanted my children to be brought up differently from me. My aim has been to show unconditional love and acceptance. My greatest hope for them is that they are confident, caring individuals with high self-esteem and the ability to communicate well and follow their goals. So far this seems to be the case but it is still early days really. I have the teenage years to contend with! I just hope that the open communication will continue.