I have had been afraid of taking the plunge and risking my heart for nearly 24 years, because I didn't want to be hurt. I didn't want to risk going out of my mental experiments, because while it didn't do me a lot of good, it also didn't do me a lot of harm. Last June, however, I decided to take a plunge and just try, even if I was likely to fail. As an INTP, or just as a guy, I think of a lot of things because I want to decipher them. I think that was one of the reasons why I was hesitant to try my luck at love, because I was better with deciphering systems than the human heart. But I tried anyway.
It's been a roller coaster ride, and I'm here once again to ask for your help. I can't remember the entire nitty-gritty of my attempt, but I'll try to provide you guys with the relevant details.
I introduced myself to her during one of our acquaintance nights. I think it's not insulting to her if I categorized her as a social recluse, because she barely appears on social occasions and doesn't even stay long enough at school after classes. She purchased a cup of yogurt and I was simply lucky that I was around that area. I came up to her and introduced myself despite myself, and elicited what her name was and where she came from. From that point on, I decided that my approach towards her was to be helpful in her scholastic duties and to just be around to support her whenever she needed help. It's still like that right now.
I garnered that she didn't like obvious acts because she was incensed when I approached a professor of hers and talked regarding her project. She was angered because she thought I had given her cellphone number to her professor, although she didn't even properly show it. I guess most INFPs try to be nice to everyone, even despite their anger. She didn't talk to me for some time after but I tried to explain to her that she misunderstood. I didn't expect anything from her and was willing to let go. I stopped talking to her, and didn't expect anything when she contacted me days later, from just out of the blue, saying that she read the short story I left her nearly a week before that and chatting (on Facebook) regarding what she wanted to be and what she believed in. I thought that it was a sign that we were all right.
But it's really troubling me how she can be so active in replying at one point and yet so quiet at another. Whenever she had an activity that she had difficulty in, I tried my best to be supportive of her from the limits of our year-level differences. I still try to the best of my abilities. I have also shown that my interest towards her is beyond friendship by trying to write her 'just-because' poems if I thought she ever had a bad day. With the limited time given her attitude, I talk to her in five-minute bursts about twice a week, and just show that I care and that I'm sincere. It's been quite an uphill battle for me, not to mention that there's also someone from her own year level who's interested in her. She hasn't answered him yet, and a friend of mine could somewhat vouch that there hasn't been much progress in his quest as well, although he admittedly has the upper hand, being with her most of the day.
After confirming that two weeks ago, I sought to be more active and more daring, although in still that subtle manner that I hoped wouldn't be off-putting to her: I sang in front of an audience for a first time and dedicated the song to her, but she wasn't even around. The only evidence of my singing was a video my friend posted on Facebook, but I didn't even mention it to her. I only used her initials, but continued my drive to help her in her studies.
Somehow, sometimes, I'd like to think that I have a chance. She did regard two of those poems of mine to have made her smile, and whenever I talk to her in real life she's still very nice. I have the feeling that she's not out to use me, but the lack of clarity in her makes me really confused as to what to do. Because I think that if I said it to her straight that I liked her she'd probably close herself off more, and I don't want that. I'm sure she'd know by now that I'm not interested in mere friendship, and while I don't magnify the things I do I'm quite certain that if she even thought a bit about it I've really tried to put in the effort to be there for her to the best of my abilities. Even if my attempt to make her tea that she liked was rejected, I'm still keeping on.
I'm absolutely flummoxed. Should I just tell it to her straight and then be shot down in silence? I wish she just shot me down if she has no interest in me whatsoever, or at least made it really clear that I'm only useful for the notes, or that she likes me. I can't deny that I truly like her, but it's been frustrating for me. I am willing to wait for a long time, and I am willing to stop even if I cry my heart out. I just wish she'd be clearer.
Nevertheless, I am not giving up on her. (I tried to ask her out by the way, but she's been consistently honest that she's going to study. In reality she also barely goes out of their home.) I wanted to sing in front of her without saying anything, but she isn't going to our college's celebratory night anyway. I want her to say if she's being disturbed by my messages, even though I don't message her more than once a day if she doesn't reply.
How do you guys decipher that? What do you make out of this confusing pattern? I am quite certain that she has some trust in me, because it's what I've been trying to build up all this time: you guys don't tell that you fail in your exams to just anyone, right? Or what you want to be when you grow older, or what you believe in? I think I have established some trust with her, but it's just so hurting, even when she doesn't intend to when she doesn't reply or tell me she's busy.
This has been in the span of three months, and I would willingly continue, even if there is only a thin sliver of hope. I was hoping you guys could help me decipher what's happening to me, because I've been trying my best to use my N to understand her emotions to some degree, but everything remains to be a fog. Maybe she's really just a nice person when I'm around her ...
Thanks for reading. This is quite a post of catharsis for me, and while I have good friends to joke around and lift my spirits I would like input from those people similar to her, the INFPs.