[INFP] How do you respond to people talking shit behind your back

How do you respond to people talking shit behind your back

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This is a discussion on How do you respond to people talking shit behind your back within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; I've experinced people talking behind my back, being nice to me but I hear later on people talk a lot ...

  1. #1
    INFP - The Idealists

    How do you respond to people talking shit behind your back

    I've experinced people talking behind my back, being nice to me but I hear later on people talk a lot of garbage about me with others to "destroy" me,

    Iknow everybody tell me I should just smile and let these stupid people waste their time but I cant help it, I feel angry, get depressed, sad, feel so betrayed by people.

    Eventually I start to feel I cant trust people, get a little too paranoid at some times. Are you the same, does people thoughts affect you as much as they do to me?

    I hate that I care about what other people think about me but I can't just switch brain with anyone.
    Aqualung, Razvan, moonradio and 9 others thanked this post.

  2. #2
    INFP - The Idealists

    I hate when people put words in my mouth, sorta similar to your dilemma.
    I think a good choice is to mark who says and does this and then distance yourself from them.
    -It seems as if some people honestly have trouble refraining from talking about others and that they like the attention that stems from it.
    Lad, SlightlyAddicted and A_doghouse_for_cats thanked this post.

  3. #3
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Firstly, you have to realize that people that gossip/backstab are often chronic and do it to multiple people, not just you. Realistically, it's their own problem and usually serves as an aide to raise their own self-worth and vent their frustrations.

    Second, I'm a firm believer that the people you should keep in your life are the ones that are not so easily swayed. Good friends people will either defend you during those situations OR will get your perspective on it.

    As for me, I'm a fairly closed off person so people have a hard time getting truthful dirt on me, although people can speculate from time to time. So in these situations I'd either confront the party in front of others (I'll turn them into a spectacle), shun them (if they're of low importance and it doesn't matter) OR in many of the cases you will know what was said, but the other parties won't know that you know. From there, you debunk it indirectly through speech or suggestive behavior. random ie: If someone said you hate animals you could one day casually reference that you're thinking about volunteering at an animal shelter.

    In most of these cases though, you want to avoid being the aggressor because people have a tendency to see them as a villain of sorts. Keep it cool, calm, and collected.
    Last edited by Lad; 09-02-2011 at 10:23 AM. Reason: gramMar FaIL
    LadyJava, whiterwair, Hammerhand and 11 others thanked this post.

  4. #4
    INFP - The Idealists

    As Lad mentioned, many people who talk sh*t about you are likely doing it to everyone. It is a problem on their end, nothing to do with you.

    In my opinion, these people are toxic. If you keep your distance, you will be better off. If you ever have people talking sh*t to you about other people a lot, it is likely they are doing it about you to others, so keep that in mind as well. Negativity breeds negativity. Avoid these people to the best of your ability and do not engage with them on talking sh*t about others unless you wish to be dragged down into the muck with them.
    LadyJava, Lad, chances2468 and 4 others thanked this post.

  5. #5
    INFP - The Idealists

    Mindgames? Don't go there, cos it will destroy your own true Self. Been there, done it, my heart was hateful, and you let your own Ego rise. Which in turn becomes a darker part of you, and you will be further from your own true quest. Doing this, allows you to certainly topple your own Fi too from dominance. I used to exactly let others control me, by riling my emotions, and I always used to prove them wrong, and in doing so, I became this person that I do not even know any more.

    For stabbers. Ask yourself this Q. Who are these people to you ? Do you care? Should you care what they say ? I once cut off some friends this way after I found out about what they said about me. Maybe it is indeed petty of me, but why should they get my good side, when they do not deserve it? A lot of people are shocked that I cut out such supposedly good uni friends from contact. I also cut off some college friends this way too. Even especially after I went to them for help. In reality, they were not equipped to know me, or to even care about me. Basically they were not NFs. I got one girl chasing after me on FB years later, after I helped her find her own spiritual self and introduced my own close friends to her. She was throwing her own wobbly at that time when I went to her for help. It was just a long-drawn process of wrong-timings which I did not need in my life either. Over time I have healed and she probably have moved on too... It has to stay that way. I don't think we can ever be in touched. Even though she recently found all my lovely letters to her when I was young and naive, with strong words of encouragements. She now says she misses me. Bleh to that ! I have not forgiven her yet, so she is in quarantine zone.

    Understand this much. People who talks about you behind your back has an agenda. It is a dark side of them too. You got to understand your own relationship with them. Is it a friendship? No friends of mine will speak ill behind my back. Is it a colleague? If so, were what they say warranted? Is it job related only, or was it a personal assassination of your character ? (I have seen people lie to save their own ass.... and it is far easier to jump onto the corporate lie bandwagon, instead of being fired and admit to their own mistakes and responsibilities.) Is it family ? Was it out of concern ? My mother speaks ill of me to my sister about me but she won't even "confront me", even though I wished for the face to face honesty. Sometimes I can tell that it is her own displaced wishes onto me, other times it is true wisdom from her own life experiences and that she cares.

    I think knowing the mbti may help you a little bit to understand what they are doing, and then maybe a decision point is then down to you on how to handle it. To me, I do not have to tolerate those I do not like. It is not like I need to depend on their gossips for a living....
    Kalifatidess and Lad thanked this post.

  6. #6
    INFP - The Idealists

    I agree with Lad, that people who "talk shit" are usually prone to do it habitually, and you're probably not the only one targeted. It really is their problem.

    I know that most people whom I seem to like and enjoy as people do not talk shit, and they do not condone it from others, either. I personally really hate shit talking, as it's the worst form of gossip, and I really don't like gossip, ESPECIALLY shit-talking gossip. So I don't really associate with shit-talkers.

    If someone were to say things about me, I probably wouldn't really care, because I don't have a close knit group of friends (they're all kind of scattered around) and if one person said something about me, it probably would not get to any of my other friends, because most of my friends are not friends with one another. When I was in high school, and all my friends WERE friends with one another, and people were prone then to more gossip and drama, I usually got upset, less because I felt sad or bad about myself, but more because I HATED that people felt the need to be so dramatic. If there was ever a real problem between someone else and me, I probably have addressed it, because I think that is better than the run-around backstabbing. (But I don't remember any particular instances of shit talking or confrontations happening.)

    Now, if someone at work or something says something about me and I actually do happen to care, I do things in a roundabout way, not backstab back, but say things to show that I am not whatever is being said about me. Lad's example of you saying you want to volunteer at an animal shelter to disprove your hatred toward animals is pretty similar to this. Other times, I don't care about what is being said. I am pretty happy with myself and I think I'm a pretty decent person most of the time, so if someone else wants to think or say otherwise, I usually just don't care to fuss about it, because I know it's not true and staying true to myself is really all that matters right now in my life.
    LadyJava, Kalifatidess and Lad thanked this post.

  7. #7
    INFP - The Idealists

    It's uncommon for me because people rarely have anything against me, unless it's made up and false. The times that it has happened, though, I kind of tend to deal with it passively. Only rarely am I direct and somewhat confrontational, but not in an intense way. Inwardly I can get pretty bruised by people thinking and talking of me in a bad light.
    LadyJava thanked this post.

  8. #8
    INFP - The Idealists

    I dont think its possible to avoid them completely in our lives. Sometimes they may be just using for their own benefit or maybe entertainment.

    You know how I respond? I ignore it, Let them hate me and smile from doing so. I know they will never be satisfied
    I'd like to think Its an amateur thing to do, and I have cried a lot from those moments. They didn't even tell me if something's wrong with me. Nothing is ever crazier than trying to know whats wrong with you and no one seems to want to tell you.

    Like this quote here: "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid. — Albert Einstein

    Just do what you're best at and enjoy it, your best revenge is being able to surprise them. :) Just treat them like how you would want to be treated. When you're hurt, make it your inspiration to do better.:) and smile as always. Its not worth to waste your time bashing them back. :/ they will multiply even.
    chances2468 thanked this post.

  9. #9
    INFP - The Idealists

    Quote Originally Posted by Kalifatidess View Post
    I've experinced people talking behind my back, being nice to me but I hear later on people talk a lot of garbage about me with others to "destroy" me,
    Quote Originally Posted by Kalifatidess View Post

    Iknow everybody tell me I should just smile and let these stupid people waste their time but I cant help it, I feel angry, get depressed, sad, feel so betrayed by people.

    Eventually I start to feel I cant trust people, get a little too paranoid at some times. Are you the same, does people thoughts affect you as much as they do to me?

    I hate that I care about what other people think about me but I can't just switch brain with anyone.

    It is the same situation with me. It is very painful to write about this for me right now. I hesitated to respond. And yes, If I just can switch my brain with anyone. I wish I could. What you could do listen how others deal with these problems and apply it in your own life. It will not happen overnight. You have to "exercise" how to respond and respond on time. And judge when it is important to leave this group of people, and when it is important to confront them. As others already said do not bring yourself to their level, and I do not think you would even respond that way.
    If they are your friends, and they are acting like this, they are not really your friends. You will find real friends who will respect you, and love you not lie about you and prejudge you. If they are your co-workers, in this case, I also feel your pain because some people can lie, spread rumors, hunt you, harass you in every possible way imaginable because of some reason not even known or comprehendible to you (jealousy, a lack of intelligence, a lack of empathy, hatred on some banal basis such as race, gender, ethnicity, for their own pathetic amusement, because of their own low self-esteem because they feel powerful, smarter, more important when they put another person down - not classy, unethical, pathetic low life people). But did you notice? They usually accuse you of things or lie about you because they project on you who they really are. If they are cheat, they will say you are one, if they are dishonest, they will accuse you of being dishonest, if they do not work hard, they will state that you are the one who is slacking; if they feel unintelligent they will call you stupid etc.

  10. #10
    Unknown Personality

    It happened to me at a past job. I rarely socialized with my coworkers much, so it was easy for one or two people who disliked me to talk trash about me with the rest of the group. I was not close enough with any of them that they would tell me later what was being said, so I never found out most of it. The main way I knew it was happening was that most of them started avoiding me and excluding me from conversations and all social activities. When I did try to join a conversation I was either ignored, or else the others would glance at one another and one would respond to me in an amused, subtly mocking way.

    Since I didn't know what was being said, I didn't have anything solid to confront anybody about. I didn't trust anyone there, so nobody found out my side of things, which I guess made it easy for everyone to believe the trash talk. I just did my work and kept to myself.

    In this case there was no way for me to stop contact with these people, because they would continue to be a big part of my everyday life, unless I wanted to quit. Eventually I did. It was a very unpleasant and demoralizing situation.
    Somniorum, A_doghouse_for_cats and eltrut thanked this post.

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