Over the past couple of weeks I've started to doubt my type (INFP). From bouncing around on this forum I know it is not uncommon for any type to feel this way, and it seems INFPs are no different. My feelings behind this are different than usual, as I can ordinarily rationalize why I "feel like a different type today". But I no longer act or feel like an INFP.. I am doing things opposite of what an INFP is "supposed" to do. Now I know that every person is different, and that just because someone is typed as a certain MBTI type doesnt mean they all act the same and certainly doesnt mean they have the same beliefs. But no matter how you slice it - I am not acting according to how I feel I normally would. I've heard that stress on INFPs (and probably every type, though I'm not totally sure) would make them act outside of themselves or their normal character. This has been going on for quite sometime now and I am wondering if it is either that I am no longer INFP or idk what else?? I have heard that Enneagram type never changes, but that your Myers-Briggs type can change. Is it possible that my type has changed? Am I "simply" going through a hard time? (then it must be much harder than usual, as I always feel under pressure). I'll describe some things which are very personal. These are things I wouldnt say aloud to friends, and I have a hard time admitting them to myself even. But I feel that I am in no other position than to display my faults and get honest opinions. I'm not proud of these things, and... that's all i suppose...
I have been drinking more often than I used to, but not uncontrollably. On the weekends and going out with friends. I go to university so it is not uncommon for kids to drink. But it seems that I can not concentrate on school work or even find initiative to do it (not because of drinking, but when I'm sober). I was always a procrastinator and impatient with school work, but at this point in time I dont know why I cant just take it seriously since it is more important than ever.
I got a DUI ::ashamed::*
I never wanted to be that person. The person who I always grew up being told was "stupid" or "an idiot", and thats a person who drinks and drives. After that all I can feel is ashamed and I don't know how to bounce back. I dont want to believe that I was capable of making such bad decisions--- but I guess I am. And just before the DUI I had an "anger" incident where I put my hand through my car window after an argument and cut my arm. I now have a large gash in my arm and all I can feel is embarrassed when people see it. I'm always afraid that they think I'm a cutter or something. Because of this incident I also sustained nerve damage and only have limited feeling in my forearm above the scar to my hand. I also feel like I want to become violent with people if I think they are purposefully singleing me out or making fun of me, the problem being that I think everyone is secretly having a joke about me behind my back. I got into a fight this past year with a kid my age, my only fight ever. Afterwards I regret it everyday.
This is not easy to say, and its personal i know. I'm not doing this for pity, but to explain these things that have happened because of me and how they make or made me feel. In doing this I hope that it best conveys my point of view. The last thing I want is someone to feel sorry for me, because I don't deserve it. I do hope there are some other INFPs who can shed some guidance because I don't have other people to turn to. I want to know why these things are happening to me, or rather, why I am making these things happen to me. I'm confused and unhappy. I do things that I don't condone, and that I would perceive as wrong. I feel as though I am living as my own worst enemy, doing things beyond what I would consider bad of character. It's beyond hypocritical. Why do I make decisions opposite of what I consider the right thing to do? Ugh.