Where am I? I'm in my house. Come on over. We'll have pancakes.
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This is a discussion on To INFP Men: ... Where are you? within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Where am I? I'm in my house. Come on over. We'll have pancakes....
Where am I? I'm in my house. Come on over. We'll have pancakes.
I'm the only INFP man I know. I have a friend who I suspect is probably an INFP but I can't really say for sure, but she definantly dresses like one. All my other friends are extroverts wich makes my social life interesting because you can't exactly be staring at the sky all day and not talking to anyone when your out being social, so it forces me to be charming.
I do like to do alot of things alone though. If you saw me me shopping or at a bookstore, museum, or restaraunt, you'd probably think I was really serious or deep in thought or maybe just lost. I hate small talk but do it out of rote because it's expected and I don't want to seem like a prick. When I'm really feeling down you might find me alone at a bar staying for 2 drinks and talking to no one, just kind of staring off into space.
If I'm out with my friends, you would probably mistake me for an extrovert unless you were conscious of the little subtleties that give me away. I look around alot, taking everything in, talk less then my friends, only chiming in when it's something I'm passionate or knowledgeable about.
And as far as being masculine, I guess I'm the man when I need to be. I'll throw out some sexy eye contact if a cutie walks by, and I wouldn't back down from a fight. I eat like it's going out of style and dress to impress. I'm not too into sports, but politics will get me fired up.
So I guess the bottom line is if I'm alone in a public place like a bookstore or art gallery and we make eye contact come say hi. If I'm at a party just kind of taking it all in and we make eye contact come say hi. If I'm brooding alone at a bar, buy me a drink because I won't even notice you otherwise because I'll be too lost in my own thoughts.
[This post responds to the original by neoloGismaker.]
To register just now at this website, I had to pick one of the 16 personality types. This reductionism felt to me like an ironic omission—ironic coming from this website—lopping off a dimension of personality typing, 32 mixed types.
Especially females describe an INFP male—in so many words—as one they hope to find. When he arrives, however, they either ignore him or tell him what's wrong with him—often in the insidious manner of asking him what's wrong—or try to correct him to behave like other males, or, if none of this works, order a quarantine for him. That is the most accurate estimation that I can make of all the reactions I have got when I've let any of my INFP nature emerge.
As Decay153 pointed out, there is scarcely a social place for an INFP male unless he dons some other functioning type, at least some extroversion. At age 11, I frankly reviewed the matter and concluded that I would have to begin challenging myself to do things that I was uncomfortable doing, because otherwise no one would come and notice me and meet any of my needs. I reckoned that if I remained as I was, by age 17, I would have solidified the waste of life, bereft of the vivid advantages offered by females to extroverted males. Rather Unusual suggested to search the graveyard for INFP males, which I think is an apt indication insofar as searching the graveyard within the mind and past of a male's apparent personality type.
Some weeks ago, reading portions of the book Please Understand Me (1984), I discovered that I originally was described by INFP. By age 5, persistently terrified and confused by the perpetual invasiveness and aggression, both physical and emotional, overt and covert, conscious and unconscious, by others—including family members—I concluded that my only chance to survive, let alone to thrive, would arrive upon my figuring out how everything worked. And, yes, I do mean everything. To understand rhymes and reasons—so that I could live—I switched rather starkly to INTP.
Perhaps if placed into a putative ideal world—whatever that would be—I would have remained simply INFP. Yet in this world—its own ideal that seemed to almost solely invade and define and menace me and dash my freedoms and visions—I would have been useless to even myself if I had not donned INTP.
I am very unromantic. Actually, before I began school, I was extremely romantic. I had intense visions of how I would save a beautiful woman—probably something alike Erin Gray in the TV series Buck Rogers or Margot Kidder in the film Superman—and for it she would accept me and care for me and let me make love to her. But I turned out, early on, to be spindly and timid, in a word weak, and in another word useless to any woman. The TV series Greatest American Hero—where an awkward klutz becomes a local superhero—enraptured me even more than did Buck Rogers.
INFP, now called the Healer, was formerly called the Questor. I was a sickly child, and early on both physicians and family members tried to convince me that illness and weakness were was just my fate, irreversible, to accept. At once, I wondered how in the world they presumed that their own knowledge, acquired merely as what they were told (my mother) and what they were trained (physicians), spanned both all knowledge ever attained anywhere in the world and all knowledge possible to attain. And so my quest was set.
Even in elementary school, I was never awkward because I was so extremely introverted that I simply did not show emotion or reaction in the first place. I was informed that I had no feelings, and my sister told me that it was annoying when I spoke because I spoke in a monotone. Becoming INTP, I asked many questions, and my mother and sister agreed, with each other, that I asked too many questions.
By age 11, I decided to become extrovert. By 17, I was somewhat outgoing. With females I appeared to be either suave and smoothtalking or, upon any threat of intimacy, resolutely terse and stoic, for I was too afraid to show feeling. Females very much liked me this way—only either seductive or stoic—and, having come to like me for that, were clearly turned off whenever I did, awkwardly, try to reveal feelings.
Later events knocked me from extroversion, since I found that for me it was hollow. Still, I'm not shy as such anymore, and, if placed among others, I tend to seem extroverted, yet I withhold a great deal, simply unnoticed in social contexts. More and more, even continuing, I learn to not try to share so much. Sharing less helps me get the best—rather than the worst—from others. I've lived most of my days as INTP, what most individuals—except for a few females who experienced my INFP yet couldn't long endure the continual intensity—would describe me as the very portrait of. People tend to come to me when they want help figuring out what they should do about something, merely, and otherwise I keep to myself, spending most of my time researching and writing, neglecting virtually everything else.
Reading on Kiersey's website the description of INFP, however, I recognized my lost self—the very reason and purpose that made me adopt INTP for answers—perennially praised as a scarce ideal and yet ignored, belittled, slurred, or fled, when it's noticed. All of my experiences have convinced me that you don't really want to find an INFP male, that you just think you do since it seems scarce.
Your post nearly beckons me—and it's pretty in itself—and makes me want to find you. I feel certain that you mean well, and you feel that you're sincere. Yet I think you're unwittingly displaying just a mirage. And I'd rather not fall for that again. Perhaps this might help explain why you think you've never met an INFP male.
Last edited by Kusername; 08-15-2011 at 07:34 PM.
Where am I... hmmm, I'd say nowhere tbh. (if that makes any sense)
Im living in the shadows, antisocial, although I can be social at times online at chats... basicly only place you'd find me would be if you'd bump into me at the store... other than that I'm on my own at home :)
I tend to operate behind an INTX mask, to hide my feelings and keep my soft inner side from getting completely obliterated by this world. It is the only way I know how to be a part of this world without getting my heart from getting crushed, I've attempted vulnerability in the past and have only been met with shutdown.
I see Kusername's post and deeply agree with it, because my experiences with the world are very similar.
This is honestly the first time in a very long time that I'm revealing what often goes through my mind, what I see and believe, unlike my normal, artificial response which is giving a half-hearted rote answer or answering what they want to hear.
This thread is so overwhelming it's frustrating.