Stream of Consciousness/Vent Thread

**snail** · 09-14-2009 10:07 AM

I lost part of myself several years ago, and have only been going through her vacant motions ever since her disappearance. I have trouble feeling nurturing toward anyone or anything, and overcompensate by giving off the impression of being excessively everything I wish I still were. My heart is dead, and all of my motives are secretly selfish. I am full of pride, and even now while I am writing this, I am thinking about how others will perceive it, hoping they will find my sincerity clever or brave instead of feeling distanced by the magnitude of my previous lack of authenticity. I imagine that being honest about being dishonest could unravel the things I have bound and lift every curtain that hid the emptiness, breaking me open until the room would suddenly fill with light and would give off the illusion of never having been truly vacant. I know better. This illumination reveals the barren walls rather than painting them with substance, and I am nakedly nothing. My temple waits to be refilled, drawing in all of the love I can gather or steal, burning to ashes while providing neither light nor warmth, truth nor love. I worship both, but own neither. In order for one to be effective, I must have both, or else each is rendered dangerous, the inauthentic love of lies or the brutal attraction to loveless truth that only empowers the unloving core. Having no love, I choose to remove truth as well, to avoid the disaster of imbalance. This is the wrong direction, and I know it. I continue my implosion even with awareness of how my disaster is structured.

**Psilo** · 09-14-2009 10:40 AM

I feel like I've contorted myself beyond recognition. I've had my ability to love and to trust strangled from me by the most prominent influences in my life and to cope I've become something I don't feel is true to me. I can't find any sense of congruency between the way I am and the way the world is. After spreading myself far too thin between people, I've inversed and built a strong wall to keep everyone out. I've tried to free myself by locking myself up from even myself at times, and I'm only now beginning to see the error in this. I'm trying to break free but I can't find the weaknesses in my own fortress. I want now more than ever to experience again true connection, but I'm unable to let more than a small sliver of myself through at any time. I don't even know if the walls were meant to keep me in or to keep everything out, but I know that anytime I get a chance to chip away another day in the real world passes and I'm torn to do mind numbing work and must put myself on hold. It's frustrating and I just want to get away for a very long time to get myself in order, though I fear it's exactly that mentality that got me here in the first place.

**Thracius** · 09-14-2009 12:53 PM

I often play different roles in video games, but I secretly like shotguns, though I would never admit it

I mean, the shotgun is such an outcast weapon to have, it's short ranged, has a slow firing rate, basically good for game birds or clay pigeons, but damn is it manly

it's so awesome to charge a sniper with it, run from cover to cover while he tries to get me with his sissy rifle then KABLOW I give him a lead salad right in his face haha

**thehigher** · 09-14-2009 02:04 PM

What the hell am I doing here? Really....do any of you ever think about how completely random life is? Like what in the world......I live on a floating ball that has been here for billions of years.....and has amazing nuances everywhere you look.....I live in america......I am a male......what are the odds? Life is so mysterious....yet how can I be so bored sometimes? Life is so mind boggling. Sometimes I just sit and think ...what the fuck?

I always feel like tearing down the walls that we put up between us. I hate boundaries for some reason. I want to destroy anything false that we feed ourselves to make ourselves feel better..... I feel like an explorer. I want to tear down everything until I get what is real....what is true....and by truth...I guess I mean...what is true within. I guess T's are better at finding the truth of our outside world. I want to know who we are and why we are.

There is the burning feeling inside me.....this tension......that makes me.....almost angry......in fact I am angry. So many questions that are never answered.....but I know that when they are answered....they will not be enough. I am constantly pushing the envelope.....constantly on the edge ....towards the infinite....

This life....pushes me towards an oceanic consciousness.....life without boundaries. This reminds me of Chris McCandless of Into The Wild. He actually ...literally....destroyed his boundaries. He went away ....and said fuck the world....in search of the self...the true self.

Then I ask myself...why? Why the fuck should I even do this? Rationally....it makes no damn sense. It is almost like masochism. Why would you put yourself through the pain of uncertainty in search for a truth that is always one step away.....you will never reach a conclusion you are happy with.....

Yes I am stuck in Fi. I know. But fuck just let me be me for 2 damn seconds before you blast your opinions and perception onto me as if you are God.

Can I say what I feel without you telling me how to live? Can you do that?

I look all around me....and for the most part.....all I see is a bunch of dead cardboard cut outs of each other. Where is your passion? Where are you? Live damnit. Quit being so damn afraid of your emotions. You call me weak? You dare call me weak when every single time you become sad you shut the door like you saw a damn ghost?

**snail** · 09-14-2009 02:11 PM

I feel that way, too. *hugs*
Posted via Mobile Device

**thehigher** · 09-14-2009 02:13 PM

Originally Posted by snail

I feel that way, too. *hugs*
Posted via Mobile Device

Ah ha! We just may be the same enneagram type yet!

**PeacePassion** · 09-14-2009 02:33 PM

everything seems like a language to me, that's what i've been thinking about. really, anything and everything, it's a language really!

and it drives me crazy when people interact superficially, and miss what you're really trying to say underneath it all. and how superficial understandings can be taken out of context and indicate apparent hypocrisy, or seem paradoxical, even if underneath it all, at the realm of what you're really trying to say, it ain't necessarily so.

and how awesome it is when someone really listens, and really hears what you're saying, however you're trying to say it. and how awesome it is, when you don't even need words, or whatever the vessel of whatever language you are speaking is, to say what you're trying to say, sometimes an empathetic connection can communicate a whole lot more than words ever could.

and just about how both secure and liberating those true, deep, empathetic connections are! though, of course, that's part of the art of using language, being able to make those true, abounding connections despite the limitations of words. or that's part of the art of working with the limitations of whatever medium you are speaking through. or trying to speak through.

and how vital listening to others is to being heard yourself.

and how ideas, and reality even, are so limited by whatever limitations in language we accept for ourselves, ignorantly or apathetically or both.

**thehigher** · 09-14-2009 02:39 PM

OH and freakin girls dude. I am so confident around all girls until I find one that I like...and then I become ridiculously awkward. I dunno. :/

**thehigher** · 09-14-2009 02:44 PM

Originally Posted by Peace&Quiet

everything seems like a language to me, that's what i've been thinking about. really, anything and everything, it's a language really!

and it drives me crazy when people interact superficially, and miss what you're really trying to say underneath it all. and how superficial understandings can be taken out of context and indicate apparent hypocrisy, or seem paradoxical, even if underneath it all, at the realm of what you're really trying to say, it ain't necessarily so.

and how awesome it is when someone really listens, and really hears what you're saying, however you're trying to say it. and how awesome it is, when you don't even need words, or whatever the vessel of whatever language you are speaking is, to say what you're trying to say, sometimes an empathetic connection can communicate a whole lot more than words ever could.

and just about how both secure and liberating those true, deep, empathetic connections are! though, of course, that's part of the art of using language, being able to make those true, abounding connections despite the limitations of words. or that's part of the art of working with the limitations of whatever medium you are speaking through. or trying to speak through.

and how vital listening to others is to being heard yourself.

and how ideas, and reality even, are so limited by whatever limitations in language we accept for ourselves, ignorantly or apathetically or both.

I was talking to my gf? friend with benefits? person? about how the english language does not seem to communicate emotion effectively. I feel so tied down in this language. My gffriendwithbenifitsperson is half russian and speaks the language fluently.....andd she loves it. So yea.. i dunno. Do you feel that way?