[Lesley Drakken]

Alright. *Puts on vent cap*

At the end of last school year the lady who's taught me for four years and become very close to many of us suffered a mental breakdown and turned into a complete and utter bitch. She was always unstable, but our principle sort of person ended up firing her because she just exploded. It was difficult to deal with but I removed myself from my emotions quickly and by now I'm pretty much healed. We have a new teacher this year who's really awesome and amazing, and I'd basically be fine and everything.

But there are two boys in my class that kept in contact with Mrs. Bipolar and she's been manipulating them into acting out in class and thinking that she was a victim, when the rest of us know better. There was a big argument about it today and I feel really terrible because she's just using them to make herself look better. I've been going around the last couple of weeks feeling 'poisoned' so to speak and this is a large part of it.

Which brings me to my next issue: I'm disintegrating. I'm indulging all my old habits I thought I'd kicked; I'm back up to 3 bottles of Dr. Pepper a day; I come home from school and sleep for five hours then wake up and binge comfort eat before staying up all night. I keep opening up a bleeding sore on my head from exhaustively scratching out dandruff. I fall asleep at my desk at school, I forget to keep up on assignments and have no motivation whatsoever to do anything.

[Cygnus]

Such a bittersweet feeling to close a door forever. After reaching again and again after something that I just couldn't grasp, it's finally too far away to ever hope to touch. I'm probably wiser and stronger for it, but maybe not happier. Maybe not better.

[Ardent Lunacy]

She still hasn't responded. I'm going to do my best to forget this happened and take what I learned and apply it. Someone I cared about is gone. It's not the first time. It won't be the last. She was my first love. Not my last. I made mistakes. Time to accept that and grow from the experience. I feel like my heart - the organ - is actually rending. Yes, I have heart problems and this is only exacerbating them. I was selfish enough. The selfless thing would be to let her be away. She can't be happy with me in her life. For right now, I can't be happy without her. I can't be happy with her, either. One of us should be happy. It should be her. I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing. Try and fix myself. I'm just broken and I need to pick up the pieces. My health is shambles and my personality is even worse. I'm no good to anyone crippled and insane. When I don't need a cane to support myself and I can trust myself in public - with normal people - I'll be okay. Until then, I'm a project. This isn't sad or jaded; it's a fact. I need to work on myself before I can do anything else. I've got a lot of work left to do. Someday soon it'll all be okay.

[Lacryma]

So I'm craving a change of winds. I've been doing some introspection and I feel as though a burden has been lifted off my chest. As always, I hope to remain optimistic even with the start of the new semester. But more than that, I want to finally start moving towards a direction. Even if I fumble along the way I'm sure I'll figure things out in due time, or at worst I'll just end up where my feet take me. I want to start over and move forward. I know I have things to work on and I hope I'll give it my all. I just don't want a repeat. I don't even want to compare it to past experiences. This time it's a reset and it's for good! I just need to keep this in mind, head held high and take my first step!

[Bago]

So my anxiety has kept coming into my stomach... when this INFP came back into my life via FB, by saying that he is stuck in his own home country and needed "help" from me to get him out. When in reality a mutual friend saw him in my hometown which I just left, on Sunday.

I told him everything I felt openly via FB and told him my feelings, and what, when happened where etc. I realised that he saw these feelings as antagonistic, and in a way, I was in a rage, cos I had been lied to. He can be quite charming but I am not sure if he knows that, cos it took me a long time to make myself realises how Fi works in this world.

I also realised something, that an INFP can indeed not remember what they did. Especially when they are dreaming and started to be nervous and "scan".... The things he write today, and told me, made me feel like the bad witch. Cos I tried to tell him what he was doing, cos it actually happened. It's like, INFP are pushed and can be indeed manipulated easily by feelings. He said he rejected me because of me, but I remember the look on his face, and his natural responses when I danced in the beginning, and I remember that he tried to mimic me in my actions in order to make me "feel" the emotions. It destroyed us. There were moments where I felt scared of fear. This deep fear in me made me nausea, cos it was dark. I realised that sometimes when us INFP make "judgments" or "observations", it is really is scary and humanly sickening. Cos the intensity of feelings is so deep. I also realised that, not everyone is self aware all the time, and hence expecting this self awareness, which they are not aware of their own actions on, is almost as if you are trying to be the baddie and criticise the other person....

I had to go away for a job. He lied about being away, so that I would miss him. He tested me and pushes me to my extreme...(I have no idea why, but I remember thinking this when I was younger, how come some girls can do what they like, throw a wobbly and can still be loved ? It is indeed because their bf wanted to be the counsellor person. It's altruistic.) Even as I am writing now, it does seem like I am paranoid, but then it also means to me that I focused way too much on a single person for a very long time, and losing focus of my own life too. Over the course of one year, it felt so intense. I remember thinking this. The rollercoaster ride was so extreme. He also obviously had other Fi anchors. i.e. other girls... "friends"... as he calls them. A part of me feels good cos I went ahead and handled the situation and told him that this is the end. My anxiety went away... I do not feel brave yet. But I got my peace.

[olafolaf]

Well, at least my sister told me now, after she kept me waiting, for, i dunno, 2 months now? Unexpectedly good news. Who would have thought. Who would have thought, geeeeeeeeesus! :O

[bryan_k]

When I can be authentically polarising and unaplolegetic, and not give two shits about the consequences, that is when I know I will have succeeded.

The world is full of cowards, please don't let me be one of them.

[bryan_k]

Verses will come to a person
Like little gems
Nuggets of gold

They are rare as hell
Man they are rare
If you don’t take the opportunity
To mine these things immediately
When the time is right
When the time is perfect
They will dissolve
They will be lost forever

When will people stop being so uptight?
So regimented
Get up, do something, go to sleep
What you can’t get up?
You can’t do this for 5 days at a time,
for 8 hours at a time?
Man something must be wrong with this guy

Actually, nothing is wrong with this guy
Something must be wrong with YOU
If you think real humans can live this way
If you think this is the default nature of man
Man, you must be really fucked in the head!

[Ardent Lunacy]

I was having a talk with a friend of mine, earlier. This exchang came up.

"I finally got that doctor's appointment after months of trying."
"Good. You are not allowed to die or get sicker. We took a poll on this; all of your friends. You don't have a choice."
"All of my friends? All two of you?"
"Well, the voice inside my head was there too, so it was closer to three. Two and a half."

My life in a nutshell. I needed to share this.

[Twoshoe]

Fuck fuck fuck fuck so much stress.

I keep trying to do too many things at once.

And I keep agreeing to meet people places when all I really want to do is rest.