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This is a discussion on Stream of Consciousness/Vent Thread within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Originally Posted by adverseaffects Can Sho be a female name? Fo Sho...
I believe I managed to completely and irreversibly destroy the most valuable relationship I've had in my life. I cannot find the proper words to express how much I regret my manipulative and demanding behavior towards her after all the love she gave me...
How do I move on from this... how do I forgive myself? I've finally learned to love myself, but what I did... can this ever be forgiven by me or anyone else?..
Probably best if you don't read. Massive rant commencing.
Okay so first of all... I feel like a freaking failure. It's like all I'm good for in life is getting good grades. I'm not outgoing. I'm not sporty. I'm pretty much a mother-freaking closet nerd. Which is the COMPLETE opposite of what I want to be. I wanna go out and have fun. I wanna be invited to parties. I wanna have a big group of mates and I wanna know a lot of people.
That's not even my biggest problems though. I need to stop comparing myself to my boyfriend's friend's girlfriend. It's fucking depressing. Because while she gets along with them, I... don't. And I don't mean that we fight or whatever. It's just appallingly awkward between us. And granted, she was hanging out with that group BEFORE the two of them went out, so she probably knew at least some of them, but still. It's just... uh. And even worse when my boyfriend tries to find a way to make us get along. I mean, I figure he's kinda noticed we're not connecting. The thought is appreciated but I don't want it! It makes me feel hopeless and pathetic. I hate having help. And it makes me angry when he tries.
Oh and this girl, she's fucking beautiful. Like omg. I wish I was her. I hardly doubt I'm attractive. Maybe bordering on the average line, but not beautiful. My boyfriend's trying to get us to go out on a double date with them (apparently suggested by the other couple, but I know him to lie to smooth things over, so I can't be sure of that) but... idk. I don't wanna sit there and compare myself. Like I know it's an opportunity, but still at the same time I just feel like an outsider. I'd rather crawl into a hole and hide.
And then other times I've met MASSES of his friends at a time. Holy fuck. Like seriously, there was this day we were heading into town and he was like, "Oh I have this friend who wants to meet you." And you know, introverts. I get pretty fucking exhausted when I meet new people, and I was already tired from staying up late the night before. I was kinda like, "I'm not really in the mood..." And he was like, "Aw why not? She's not awkward she just wants to meet you." I kinda snapped at him. You know when your patience gives out and the anger seeps into your voice? I just snapped no at him angrily and he quickly backed down, though not completely. He was still trying to pressure me into it saying, "She just wants to meet you...." and kept going on about for the next half hour with his subtle hints.
So, we get into town. We run into a couple of his friends and it's like yeah whatever we don't stay for long. Then he's like "Oh A and B (the couple I mentioned before) are at the busses" or something like that (this was a while ago, exact words are forgotten) and he starts heading in that direction and I just go quiet. It's really obvious when I'm mad, because I lose all humour, my answers are short and my tone is hard. And then he gets all worried like asking me what's wrong or whatever and trying to get me to tell him and I'm just like, "Nothing's wrong. I'm fine." Though really I want to punch him in the face in the hope of knocking some sense into him and pointing out "I DONT GO OUT TO HANG OUT WITH YOUR MATES YOU FUCKING RETARD." Like if he wants to hang out with them he can do it in his own time. It really pissed me off. Add that on to the fact I'd already TOLD him I was tired and wasn't in the mood. If we hadn't already bought the tickets for our movie, I would've ditched and been like "Go hang out with them. Bye." Except in a nicer, more subtle way, then perhaps called up some of my friends to see if they would come join me.
Then later that day when we went into the movie theater a large group of his mates found us. I don't blame him for this, like whatever. They were going to the same movie. But at the time neither of us knew that, and we still had half an hour to kill. He could have left them. Instead he hung around and I grew more exhausted than ever, and he kept bothering me with, "Are you alright, are you alright? It just seems like something's wrong." I don't know why it frustrates me so much! Like, of course I'm not alright! Use some common sense -.-'
He doesn't seem to understand I just wanna sink into the background! I wanna observe and find a good way to blend in, but he keeps paying me attention and saying stuff like "I feel like I'm ignoring me." For the love of God, I wish he would. 'Cause all he does it make me feel self-concious around his ring of mates. As soon as he pays me attention, the others look over for a reaction, and... ugh. That's not what I want when I'm still trying to figure them out. And of course, "paying me attention" translates to "PDA." I'm not comfortable with PDA. It makes an uncomfortable situation, even more uncomfortable.
I just wanna hide. The pressure is really getting to me.
Logically, the double date might not be so bad if I go in in a good mood. Like I met the guy a couple of times but his personality kinda intimidates me. If I think about it though, he's friendly-ish. Playful to an extreme. But still. I feel like I'll be an outsider.
I did a personality test when (2007 or 2008) I did Psych 101. It was interesting to me at the time, however I didn't really think too much about it past that class, and definitely didn't commit my type to memory.
Back in 2010, I considered myself so lucky. I came back from a devastating relationship, I had amazing friends, and I felt like they understood me. Soon after that I got into a relationship with a guy who was at a bad place in his life, having just came out of a relationship himself. He insisted he was ready to move on and not trying to rebound, when I told him outright that was what he was doing. He was so convincing though that I believed him. (He tested recently ENFP, though IMO he's more ENFJ)
My friends were not supportive of the relationship, and I found myself distancing myself from them to make it work with him because they were so negative 24-7. Eventually however it turned out that while not intentionally trying to rebound he was not fully over his ex. Devastated by this realization, I left him, left the country and returned home to my family and though my friends never said anything like "I told you so", the vibe had changed, and my friendships were never the same. I didn't think Id really get out of the unhealthy love triangle situation if I stayed, but alas I needed to return to finish my degree, and I knew I'd see him again. When I returned, he said and did all the right things, and he was finally free and clear of his ex.
I gave him another chance. Things were a lot better this time around. It took a lot of forgiveness and moving on my part to be able to be with him again, and I managed that impossible feat. When I returned my friendships were still awkward but my friends still wanted me in their lives, so I tried on that front as well. BUT that feeling of awesomeness was really short lived when the friendships went down the toilet again with a he said she said misunderstanding, high school drama bullshit. I just started writing people off left, right and centre, till all I had left was my boyfriend, and I didn't look back.
I relocated to be with him, gave up my family, my home country, and the true friends I have there. Was fortunate enough to get an internship (w stipend) after finishing school, and I'm here in a really small town, completely isolated. The only person I know is my boss. All the people I work with are really nice, but standoffish. I'm shy and it's really difficult for me to come up with conversation. I go to work and I return home. I chat via I'm with friends and family on occasion. I watch a lot of netflix. I'm unmotivated to go running because of the extreme heat here.
My relationship, is far from perfect and it seems like it's the only thing I'm fixated on. I am so depressed about it, all the time, I'm a well of emotion. It seems like we just see things too differently. The conflicts we have seem like it's a lot bigger to me than it is to him. I feel like my needs are not being met, yet he says there's nothing more he can do. (I read that your feelings are always a great indicator of whether or not a need is being fulfilled. If you find yourself constantly being angry, upset, depressed or resentful it's because on some level there is a need that you have that isn't being fulfilled.)
I'm devoted, committed, loyal. He says he never needs anything that he is always taken care of, and he is so grateful. The problem is my needs seem frivolous, even to me (romance, passion, spontaneity, excitement, reciprocity). He is a great guy, and despite past grievances, he's managed to give me more than any other prior to him. I question our compatibility and wonder if I stay with him because he is a good choice. I'm really confused, and I think I'm literally driving myself insane. I need to know if we can work, because I'd rather not remain uprooted from the life I know, my culture, my family and my friends, just to be with someone "for the time being". I only decided today I'd look into our personality types, so I'm not really sure I completely understand, I don't know if this is normal, or I should be sent to a mental institution.
We are going to try counseling when I finish the internship (we agreed to this back in October, then he continuously opted out or made and excuse, claiming that things had gotten a lot better, and I started wondering if it was all in my head).
I would really appreciate guidance or support for people that "should" understand me because I am INFP, that have more experience with personality types. I feel like the person I talk to the most, cannot relate at all to what I feel or to the intensity of my feelings, though he understands I'm having a hard time coping, he accepts that and tries his best to be there for me, and he is patient, I really feel alone.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
Today went south real fast. I didn't realise how what i said could be viewed and my carelessness has hurt someone i care about greatly. I was accidentally insensitive without realising it until I got a response, must be some kind of monster underneath.
Sorry doesn't fix anything. Can't take back what I said and what the things I said did to her.
everything's starting to make sense now. my mom is a sociopath. not diagnosed or anything, but i'm like 99% sure that she is.
fucking hell. time to get started on trying to fix this. family therapy is at 5pm. I don't know what to do..
should i bring it up? or just try to fix the problems?
but i doubt she will be willing to, since she is so set on being proved right at therapy.
this is just too much for one lifetime
I'm trying to think up a plan for what to do tomorrow, something to cheer me up. I need to make sure I give my friend the information he needs to get in touch with a psychologist or someone else he can talk to. He's finally reached out for help and is ready to speak to someone. I should have sent him the information today, but I didn't. I feel guilty about that. Once I've done that, I know a place that sells cheap clothes that are also pretty cool. I want to buy something crazy and fun that speaks to my individuality.
Edit: I just inundated my friend who needed help with information on how to find a psychologist, counsellors, and other support services and of course told him he can speak to me at anytime. I feel a bit better now for doing it. Experience in psychology and mental health comes in handy so often!
Last edited by Luke; 07-18-2012 at 07:19 AM.