This is a discussion on Stream of Consciousness/Vent Thread within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Originally Posted by Absurdist Fuck it. Lol, i managed to maintain myself and my tongue. Oui, oui, how does one ...
Oui, oui, how does one exactly go about maintaining his tongue. Do you do strengthening exercises? Stretching exercises?Originally Posted by Absurdist
Let us meet outside your diner one evening? I of course will be the woman in red. Are you the man sitting next to me or on the other side of the counter?
Lunar.
yah I was surely confusing the two... ;) haha nicely done!
Well i meant "hold my tongue". Oh well
You must be a bit unaware of your surroundings, I am the one in the corner.
It does sound as depression. I am sorry. I was avoiding being openly angry my whole life, and then I started exploding after I had an series of rather unpleasant events happen to me in a short period of time. My therapist told me that it was a good thing that I started sometimes to answer angrily to people who mistreat me or misunderstood me (e.g. my father that I started answering angrily when I was angry). It was not the best coping mechanism or defense mechanism, but at least I started to fight for myself. Assertiveness I have to learn. I was suppressing anger, and was not even conscious that I was suppressing it, or having it for so many years in me. Rarely reacted to injustice and stupidity, name calling, etc., just felt hopeless and anxious.
"Depression is anger turned inwards"
I'm not necessarily doubting it, nor am I necessarily calling out people who get angry. For all I know, I could have been doing the same thing, just suppressing it.
But right now I'm so tired. I just don't get it - even if I accept that it's just a bunch of inward anger, I completely lack the energy to even take it out on a pillow or something like that.You'd think that if there was unexpressed anger, all you'd have to do is just get angry a few times (... or several) and get that out, and then everything would just fix itself, looking at it logically.
Heh, if only it really was that easy.
I have been spending the day today just not giving a fuck. I think I finally understand what ego death is, too, as well as true inner peace. At least, I hope I do.
Oh, no, I always know where the men are, I meant darling are you the one around the corner, not on the other side of the counter. Dark, sinister mysterious men always catch my eye.
Oh, no in any way that I thought that if you get angry will help you with depression or that you have a doubt abou it, I was just explaining my angry behavior and why it is occurring since you said you did not understand why anger in some people (various reasons for that one too). I was trying to explain (unsuccessfully at that) why in some cases showing anger is as a sign of a breakthrough (to become conscious of it because there are issues that are not addressed behind it - expressing it one becomes more aware that there are unresolved issues - for example I was thought by watching my mother behavior not to react angry or defensively ever to my father because she did not even when he was abusive. That is how I behaved throughout of my life toward other abusive, rude, and name-calling people. I am not advocating for "anger" here, just describing that it is a symptom especially when one's mind is not anymore able to deal with very stressful situations or traumas."Depression is anger turned inwards"
I'm not necessarily doubting it, nor am I necessarily calling out people who get angry. For all I know, I could have been doing the same thing, just suppressing it.
But right now I'm so tired. I just don't get it - even if I accept that it's just a bunch of inward anger, I completely lack the energy to even take it out on a pillow or something like that.
Heh, if only it really was that easy.
Of course, depression is not that fixable easily, [which does not mean that some people find solutions more easily than others] whether you talk to someone through therapy, use medication, or combination of the two. It might take different approaches, because everyone is unique and reacts differently to the therapy. It is a rather complex issue - feeling tired is due to low serotonin is still being researched - cause or the effect of the depression - and all kind of issues are connected with low serotonin and norepinephrine:
"Difficulty concentrating, fatigue, apathy, and depression are some of the things that can result from norepinephrine going AWOL"
Our favorite Neurotransmitters
"The functions of serotonin are numerous and appear to involve control of appetite, sleep, memory and learning, temperature regulation, mood, behavior (including sexual and hallucinogenic behavior), cardiovascular function, muscle contraction, endocrine regulation, and depression"
Serotonin and Its Uses
"They may feel emotionally numb, "nothing feels nice," and/or vague aches and pains or perhaps the sensation of "aching all over," [have this one] and almost invariably have a sense of some isolation."
Some people do not admit anger, sadness or guilt; instead they withdraw and hide from society. They lose all interest in things around them and become incapable of any pleasure. Things appear bleak and time passes slowly for them. They are typically angry and irritable. [This one I suppressed, but I was irritable and still am] They often try sleeping off their depression or do nothing but sit or lay around. In most people depression is not severe. They can still function, but do so at a lower capacity and at a slower pace.
Symptoms of depression include chronic fatigue syndrome, insomnia or sleeping frequently and for excessive periods of time, loss of appetite or a ravenous appetite, headaches, backaches, colon disorders, and feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy... Depression may be caused by tension, upset stomach, stress, headache, nutritional deficiencies, poor diet, sugar mononucleosis, thyroid disorders, endometriosis (linked to depression in women), any serious physical disorder, or allergies"
Seratonin: The chemistry of Well-Being
I hope I provided some answers why. This is still a very common, but not that much known issue because there are many other substances and mechanisms involved including those two above and there is a question what happens first depression or brain changes.
It's 5 AM. I read somewhere that if you want to have the optimal amount of positive chi, or something like that, I should have gotten up an hour ago. So there goes my chance to live the 23th of December 2011 with an optimal amount of positive chi. Today I got up at around 3 PM. My brother wanted to borrow my credit card so he could swindle some charity thing he had found on the Internet for some sort of coupons. Not quite understanding what he wanted, and sort of even at this point suspecting that I'm just looking at it that way to not feel bad about not being willing to spend the needed energy for me to help him with whatever he wanted to do, I tried to transfer him a few dollars to his PayPal account. Unfortunately that didn't work for some reason. Twice in a row. Later he found another way, and insisted I help him now, which was the point at which I decided that what he was doing could be interpreted as swindling a charity. And refused to help him further. But again. I might just have not wanted to take a break from whatever I was doing. Which is not much. Today I finished my book on North Korea. Reading, I mean. It was really cool. But also very horrifying, especially when I got to the famine parts. And sad. For example when this one student who is one of the main characters. He's in love with this girl he can't marry because her father was a captured South Korean soldier, and that would ruin his chances of being able to get a good position in the North Korean society. Anyway. He starts doubting the regime, reading English books which students of his prestige are allowed to have a look at, and is given a pamphlet on capitalism by a friend. I thought there was something so touching about this part when he finally does illegal things to his television, and sits there, watching South Korean television for the first time in his life, and realizes what his world looks like to the outside one. Of course, the whole thing is based on interviews with real people, so I was severely disappointed when the student didn't get together with his South Korean soldier daughter love once he found out she had defected as well, after he got out. Before they found each other, she got married, and apparently, once all the danger was over, they no longer fully understood why they had been so obsessed about each other anyway. There's real life love for you. I don't like how real life love seems to be. I think love should be magical and stuff. So I've decided that they only told the journalist lady who wrote the book this, so the girl's spouse wouldn't suspect them planning to runaway together to ... Japan. Where they are going to kiss under cherry blossom trees and stuff. The girl will become an animator for Ghibli, and the guy will open a jazz bar. Live happily ever after. That sort of thing. I loved this one photograph that was in the book though, of the student guy walking down a crowded South Korean street carrying 1984. For a moment I thought I had the figured out what freedom was supposed to feel like. If that makes any sense. It's okay if it doesn't as long as you think it does. That's my opinion at least. In those kind of situations, your heart steps in. Loads of things can only be understood that way. I also have an idea for a detective story set on the border between China and North Korea now. Hopefully it's going to be a part of My Novel. I had a spot free for something related to North Korea from the beginning, but in my mind it was going to be about soldiers on the border between North and South. This is something different. Though I might write about the North/South border as well. To tell you the truth, I think North Korea is pretty poetic. I mean, there are of course horrifying aspects to it ... Like all the people dying of hunger, and things like that. Which is possibly inexcusable, in a way. Though of course, I do after all see the country through the lense of my own capitalist society and all that, so it might not be as bad as it looks ... At least some parts of it. But anyway, what I think is so poetic about it. I mean. When you look at those photographs foreign journalists have been allowed to take. There are these strange, large unimaginative buildings from the 60s, and often people nowhere to see ... and then the uncanniness of their culture being so fundamentally different to what I'm familiar with. I don't feel like I'm really getting to what fascinates me so much with North Korea, but yeah, trust me at that: I think it's poetic. Sorry. But that's all I have the energy to express right now. Now I'm reading Stephen King. From before, I've only read half of Dreamcatcher once when I was young enough to think him edgy, this one short story about giant rolling eyes that ate time or something like that which I sort of loved, and his book about writing, which I enjoyed. The one I'm reading now is The Stand. Allegedly, it's this Lord of the Rings-type of book about a plague breaking out in the US, and lots of people walking around, making tribes, trying to survive. It sounds pretty cool. Also, David Foster Wallace, whom I sort of love, has it as his second favorite book behind C. S. Lewis's The Screwtape Letters. He also put Tom Clancy on it. His list of favorite books. I think the list has puzzled a lot of people since he's the type of writer who starts his novels with a reference to Finnegans Wake's start, or writes a humongous book set in contemporary time, but bases it on Hamlet. Anyway. I don't know what I think about it so far. About The Stand, I mean. For some reason I had remembered Stephen King as not really being that eerie, but it is actually sort of very uncomfortable to read about the plague breaking out. Last thing I read there was this baby coughing yellow phlegm, and I'm like nooooo. Don't cough yellow phlegm, baby! It means you have the plague! But then again there's not much the baby can do about it, I guess. Anyway, the prose is all weird. I've been critical the last few days. I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I have this thing where I love all books and everything in their own ways, or try to at least. And if I don't like them, it's because I don't understand them. It must be the way it is. But ... I don't know. There's something unconvincing about King's prose. Maybe I'm prejudiced, maybe I don't sleep enough. Maybe I'm jealous. I'll probably get used to it though, and I am still kind of tingling at the thought of having over a thousand pages of the story I've barely started. So I'll be fine. Hope everyone else will be too. I wrote loads about books now. Why did I do that. I don't know. It is a stream of conciousness thread though. Or at least that's the way I've used it so far. Sorry, if needed. I should probably sleep now. I will sleep now. I wonder what I'll get for Christmas. I wish I could beat the last boss in Final Fantasy I. I should probably go back one floor and get the Masamune, but then I'll have to fight Tiamat again ... Twice. I think we have that cheese I like in the fridge. Breakfast is going to be good, in other words, but I'm never having that smoothie thing I drank this morning again. Or at least for a while. It didn't feel right with said cheese. It was too much. I think I want coffee tomorrow. That would be perfect with this cheese, I think. And I haven't had coffee in ages. I hope I'll remember. Sometimes I plan the greatest breakfasts, and then come morning I forget it, and have something completely senseless instead.
The lady in red, oh sweetheart. Shall we 'talk' or continue this from a distance?Oh, no, I always know where the men are, I meant darling are you the one around the corner, not on the other side of the counter. Dark, sinister mysterious men always catch my eye.
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