i just can't get my head around it.why weren't i sad?i mean i do miss him at times but i don't miss him the way my mother does.she's always alone crying to herself,trying to sleep holding a picture of them together.
it makes me sad that i couldn't be sad over his death.is it my fault?the recent memories i have of us are not really that precious though.he always got drunk at night,raised a hell in the house.i would stay awake through the night trying to protect my mum from him.when morning came,he would go to sleep,then wake up later,either really grumpy from the night or as the nice person he really is.
i know he loved me though.like when i couldn't sleep he would hold me in my bed till i did.he was good person.really honest.but why don't i miss him!!
when they were taking his body away i couldn't cry,i tried so hard but i couldn't.then i saw my brother,tears rolling down his cheeks and my eyes watered.his tears were a trigger i guess.
i know you shouldn't judge a person by their actions.its not fair on anyone.and i've tried not to,but nothing.
anyway this is just me venting.needed somewhere to write this down.