[ElephantinePigiferous]

i just can't get my head around it.why weren't i sad?i mean i do miss him at times but i don't miss him the way my mother does.she's always alone crying to herself,trying to sleep holding a picture of them together.
it makes me sad that i couldn't be sad over his death.is it my fault?the recent memories i have of us are not really that precious though.he always got drunk at night,raised a hell in the house.i would stay awake through the night trying to protect my mum from him.when morning came,he would go to sleep,then wake up later,either really grumpy from the night or as the nice person he really is.
i know he loved me though.like when i couldn't sleep he would hold me in my bed till i did.he was good person.really honest.but why don't i miss him!!
when they were taking his body away i couldn't cry,i tried so hard but i couldn't.then i saw my brother,tears rolling down his cheeks and my eyes watered.his tears were a trigger i guess.
i know you shouldn't judge a person by their actions.its not fair on anyone.and i've tried not to,but nothing.

anyway this is just me venting.needed somewhere to write this down.

[brady]

Give it some time, death is different nowadays. It's like sex used to be in the Victorian era: omniscient but absent.

You'll feel it soon enough, don't sweat it, and I'm sorry to hear about your loss.

[HopeisLand]

I'm glad you are venting. Something like that can weigh you down more than you even realize if you don't get it out in the open. Nice work.

This is a good post for me to read/respond to. I've wondered off and on why I didn't cry, or have any emotional reaction, when I found out my parents were divorcing. For an INFP little girl it seems like a very strange thing to not do. Here are my current conclusions:

-It took a while to sink in. I think that INFPs do feel deeply, but because we use such a large amount of information (Ne?) to base our feelings and views of the world on, it can take time to formulate and then decide (P) on how things are/how we should feel about them. My parents told my sis and me that the divorce was for the best, and I believed them. There was info to support that: not getting along/not happy/etc. Yet, as time went on and my family saw the effects of the divorce, the anger, tears, and sadness came, though much of it was still internalized or kept private.

-Unforgiveness. Not completely sure about this one, because I was so young, but I feel that the breach in relationship that unforgiveness brings can cause one to be separated emotionally from another person. I think my family had a culture of revenge and unforgiveness. It didn't look like major retaliation per se, but hidden grudges and unexplained anger, sure. Because of this, it seemed to me that it made perfect sense to solve relational problems by way of separation and selfish turning away from the other person. I think if an attitude of forgiveness had been cultivated in me, it would have been much harder to deal with the parting...

It sounds like you are on the right track by examining your emotions and thinking about your relationship with your dad. It always helps me to talk to others, I have seen a counselor in the past as well. ...It seems that we always want to remember the best about people after they pass, but from what you say, there were times your dad caused your family and you a lot of pain. (Even if you felt like it was normal at the time.) One of my counselors once told me, erroneously I think, that forgiveness was reminding yourself that the offending person didn't really mean it, that they made a mistake. I feel that so many hurts are indeed done selfishly, carelessly, even intentionally - this is more than a simple mistake. I think to truly forgive, you have to actually open yourself up to more pain (yeesh!) by acknowledging you were actually wronged. (I suppose the pain is preferable to never admitting you have bottled up wounds.)

I'm sorry for your loss and your confusion, too. I hate that you are dealing with the loss and, in addition, potential shame about it. I don't want that for you!

[refugee]

i just can't get my head around it.why weren't i sad?i mean i do miss him at times but i don't miss him the way my mother does.she's always alone crying to herself,trying to sleep holding a picture of them together.
it makes me sad that i couldn't be sad over his death.is it my fault?the recent memories i have of us are not really that precious though.he always got drunk at night,raised a hell in the house.i would stay awake through the night trying to protect my mum from him.when morning came,he would go to sleep,then wake up later,either really grumpy from the night or as the nice person he really is.
i know he loved me though.like when i couldn't sleep he would hold me in my bed till i did.he was good person.really honest.but why don't i miss him!!
when they were taking his body away i couldn't cry,i tried so hard but i couldn't.then i saw my brother,tears rolling down his cheeks and my eyes watered.his tears were a trigger i guess.
i know you shouldn't judge a person by their actions.its not fair on anyone.and i've tried not to,but nothing.

anyway this is just me venting.needed somewhere to write this down.

I think there's always a profound sense of loss when somebody close to you dies. It's like one moment they were here, next moment they are gone. Emotions can be enigmatic sometimes, especially when they haven't been processed fully.

[ElephantinePigiferous]

I'm glad you are venting. Something like that can weigh you down more than you even realize if you don't get it out in the open. Nice work.

This is a good post for me to read/respond to. I've wondered off and on why I didn't cry, or have any emotional reaction, when I found out my parents were divorcing. For an INFP little girl it seems like a very strange thing to not do. Here are my current conclusions:

-It took a while to sink in. I think that INFPs do feel deeply, but because we use such a large amount of information (Ne?) to base our feelings and views of the world on, it can take time to formulate and then decide (P) on how things are/how we should feel about them. My parents told my sis and me that the divorce was for the best, and I believed them. There was info to support that: not getting along/not happy/etc. Yet, as time went on and my family saw the effects of the divorce, the anger, tears, and sadness came, though much of it was still internalized or kept private.

-Unforgiveness. Not completely sure about this one, because I was so young, but I feel that the breach in relationship that unforgiveness brings can cause one to be separated emotionally from another person. I think my family had a culture of revenge and unforgiveness. It didn't look like major retaliation per se, but hidden grudges and unexplained anger, sure. Because of this, it seemed to me that it made perfect sense to solve relational problems by way of separation and selfish turning away from the other person. I think if an attitude of forgiveness had been cultivated in me, it would have been much harder to deal with the parting...

It sounds like you are on the right track by examining your emotions and thinking about your relationship with your dad. It always helps me to talk to others, I have seen a counselor in the past as well. ...It seems that we always want to remember the best about people after they pass, but from what you say, there were times your dad caused your family and you a lot of pain. (Even if you felt like it was normal at the time.) One of my counselors once told me, erroneously I think, that forgiveness was reminding yourself that the offending person didn't really mean it, that they made a mistake. I feel that so many hurts are indeed done selfishly, carelessly, even intentionally - this is more than a simple mistake. I think to truly forgive, you have to actually open yourself up to more pain (yeesh!) by acknowledging you were actually wronged. (I suppose the pain is preferable to never admitting you have bottled up wounds.)

I'm sorry for your loss and your confusion, too. I hate that you are dealing with the loss and, in addition, potential shame about it. I don't want that for you!

unforgiveness..that could be it though.even though sometimes i did let my out anger,i used to hide it more often behind that fake smile i always carry around.even he knew about it.i did wish he'd go away at times but i'd quickly correct that thought in my head because i didn't want him to die.
and also since his death i haven't yet had a good dream.every dream(those that i can remember i.e.)is about someone dying..mostly myself dying in a horrible horrible way.mostly getting hit by trains. so i guess it did have some affect on me.

[Michael82]

or as the nice person he really is

Wouldn't you miss that?

[ElephantinePigiferous]

Wouldn't you miss that?

yes i should but i don't.thats what bothers me!he was nice but i was always scared of him.he was nice but strict.

[Fhreed]

Hello, fellow INFP.
I started to read this post nodding to myself, "this seems to be how I felt".

My father passed away with cancer 2 years ago, I never shead a tear. My family was so obsessed with getting some emotions out of me, but I just couldnt cry or feel sad, the preasure I got on me was really horrible, ended up with me not really wanting to go to his funeral (I ment no disrespect or anything I just didnt want to deal with it) I ended up going eventually however.

My father and I had a falling out before he told that he got cancer, yelling at me for 30 min straight, as we drove home to my mother's place in his car (divorced parents). After that nothing was really the same. He came to my mothers place saying he got cancer then suddenly I was supposed to change all my emotions and care? I just couldnt do that.

I do think of him once in a while, but I never really got "hurt" over him passing away. I have not really spoken to anyone about this so I do not really know if this is normal or not, but since you experienced something simular maybe it is?

[Nienna]

I'm sorry about your loss.
Don't think so much about the way you think you should feel, instead, take some time and try to see how you really feel about it.
But bear in mind that it's ok to feel whatever the way you feel.
Every person reacts differently, so don't feel guilty. Maybe you love your father, but you weren't so emotionally attached to him, so the loss didn't hit you so hard. Or maybe it will take some time to sink in.

Anyway I hope you will be well. :)

[HopeisLand]

unforgiveness..that could be it though.even though sometimes i did let my out anger,i used to hide it more often behind that fake smile i always carry around.even he knew about it.i did wish he'd go away at times but i'd quickly correct that thought in my head because i didn't want him to die.
and also since his death i haven't yet had a good dream.every dream(those that i can remember i.e.)is about someone dying..mostly myself dying in a horrible horrible way.mostly getting hit by trains. so i guess it did have some affect on me.

If you are dreaming about yourself dying in a horrible way, maybe you feel guilt? I don't want you to take the unforgiveness suggestion and beat yourself up... forgiveness should free you up from the burden of carrying around bitterness. An act of forgiveness is an act of undeserved grace toward another. It's a gift. :)

A friend once told me that guilt that hasn't been dealt with is really dangerous. (He was telling me this because I have experienced paralyzing guilt.) We both come from very different backgrounds but both have found that the only way to get rid of guilt is to accept God's forgiveness. But we don't believe that God just snaps His fingers and forgives, either. That would mean excusing some of the truly mean and spiteful things I have done as though they didn't matter. Instead, God's son took the punishment on my behalf. A total. generous. gift. So because of Jesus I am completely forgiven without having to beat myself up or try to do more good than bad (which I can't do, I've tried). I can't tell you how freeing this is. When I first believed, I felt more joy than I ever had in my life. I can now commit a sin without fear of punishment – but I don't want to, because I am afraid. Not of punishment, but of hurting others and hurting a God who adores me. You can read Romans 8:1 or Isaiah 53 (written centuries before Jesus lived).

Anyway, I know we all believe different things here, and I want to be respectful to you all. I honestly can't stand the people who shove religion down others' throats and make God into a loveless being. But after feeling guilt as I have, I don't want to see another person spiraling down. This is the only advice I can give while being honest about who I am and what, or who, has helped me.