INFP Social Anxiety

**Spooky** · 12-01-2008 12:28 AM

This was going to be a reply to another thread I started, "Jobs for INFPs". I used to work for FedEx when I was about 19. That was a time in my life when I suffered from really bad social anxiety and depression. I almost forgot about this; maybe I repressed it. Sometimes I would go into the restroom and lock myself in the stall and try to drown out my thoughts and calm myself down. It was crazy! Life was completely miserable. I'm surprised I didn't commit suicide; which I've never attempted, by the way. It's amazing how far I have come since high school. My anxiety was so bad that I quit going my senior year because I couldn't handle the mental turmoil. Mornings were always the worst. I ended up getting my diploma from night school. I remember days where I would lay in bed all day long because I had no motivation to do anything. I didn't want to eat, socialize, or do anything. I didn't want to kill myself because it would hurt the people I loved and cared about the most. But my misery was so overwhelming, I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. I was too scared to even seek professional help. I'm trying to remember a specific turning point in my life, but nothing comes to mind. I can still be shy and quite introverted, at times, but I'm completely capable of being social and even being the center of attention. I don't think I could ever get to that low of a point in my life again. Has anyone else ever struggled with dibillitating social anxiety or depression?

**Spooky** · 12-01-2008 12:54 AM

Maybe I should have made this a blog instead.

**prufrok** · 12-01-2008 01:27 AM

I have struggled with depression for the majority of life, as far back as my memory stretches. Mine has never significantly compromised my ability to function day-to-day, but it nearly has on several occasions. High school was rough for me too. There were days when it took everything in me and then some just to go back. Had my parents been any less hard-as-nails than they are, then I most likely would have missed a lot more school than I did.

I still feel socially awkward. I do my best to hide it from people, and I can be pretty social. If I'm around strangers, though, it's a lot harder. Sometimes I just don't know what to say to people; "small talk" is always excruciating. I just can't get myself to engage in such superficial conversation. I wouldn't know where to begin. And it's not even a "holier than thou" sort of deal; it's just that my brain says "I can't find a reason to say things for the sake of saying them." And meanwhile, while my brain is having this (oh-so-healthy) conversation with itself, the people around me are wondering why I'm not speaking.

So yeah, I know where you're coming from. My current job is your basic office grunt job--and every time that phone rings, I cringe. I can't help it. If I had my way, I would live a life of solitude, writing my poems and mailing them off to my publisher, going out for solitary walks (and of course trips to the store and such), keeping the company of only my parter, maybe a few close friends, and on occasion, family.

**dritalin** · 12-01-2008 10:50 PM

I can't say that I was ever terribly depressed, but I used to feel incomplete, or like some kind of mistake for my inability to interact with people in society. I don't even try anymore, I like my place on the fringe of society, I like not having a lot of social contacts to maintain. I like to study a lot and learn a lot of interesting things, and I don't like people getting in my way.

I think when it comes to small talk the reason that we tend to dislike it has more to do with intuition. Small talk is a way to send meta messages back and forth between people, and since we already know how they feel, we don't need the small talk like other people do (at least not on our end). Plus, if it's not deeply important I don't really care about the feelings that are there.

**Spooky** · 12-03-2008 09:19 AM

Yeah, I just try to engage in small talk because I would rather socialize than sit at home by myself and daydream of socializing.

**dritalin** · 12-03-2008 08:47 PM

sometimes I can't stand being around people. There's a lot of things that I want to do or study, and sometimes I just want to be left alone to do or study those things.

**Surreal Breakfast** · 12-06-2008 10:15 PM

Originally Posted by Beloved

I used to work for FedEx when I was about 19. That was a time in my life when I suffered from really bad social anxiety and depression.

I'm 19 and I suffer from social anxiety and depression, hopefully it shall go away in time.

To be an ENFP would be great though, but I don't see myself becoming one in the future.

**Spooky** · 12-06-2008 10:38 PM

Originally Posted by Surreal Breakfast

I'm 19 and I suffer from social anxiety and depression, hopefully it shall go away in time.

To be an ENFP would be great though, but I don't see myself becoming one in the future.

I hope it does. Mine got better in time. And I never used medication. I used to not be able to go to shopping malls or any crowded place. I always felt like people were judging me. When in reality, they probably weren't even looking at me. It's just a theory, but I think social anxiety might stem from low self-esteem. I could be wrong. The first day of my junior year in high school, I was sitting in art class. I was so self-conscious, it felt like I was watching myself on surveillance cameras. I would sit there and not say anything. I heard a few kids behind me laughing and I immediately thought they must have been laughing at me. How irrational is that? Everytime someone made eye contact with me, I assumed they were criticizing me in their mind. As if I didn't feel like everybody was already watching me, the art teacher called me out in front of the entire class and asked, "Why don't you smile?" Then I knew for sure that everybody was looking at me. How do you respond to that? I just sat there in silence. I'll never forget that day. The church I grew up in has about 2,000 people in the congregation. During that time, I would drive a half an hour to service every Sunday and Wednesday, walk in the door and then walk out five minutes later because I couldn't handle the anxiety. I think I will always be more introverted than extraverted, but I have come a long way since those days.

**de l'eau salée** · 12-06-2008 10:57 PM

Originally Posted by Beloved

I hope it does. Mine got better in time. And I never used medication. I used to not be able to go to shopping malls or any crowded place. I always felt like people were judging me. When in reality, they probably weren't even looking at me. It's just a theory, but I think social anxiety might stem from low self-esteem. I could be wrong; it wouldn't be the first time. The first day of my junior year in high school, I was sitting in art class. I was so self-conscious, it felt like I was watching myself on surveillance cameras. I would sit there and not say anything. I heard a few kids behind me laughing and I immediately thought they must have been laughing at me. How irrational is that? Everytime someone made eye contact with me, I assumed they were criticizing me in their mind. As if I didn't feel like everybody was already watching me, the art teacher called me out in front of the entire class and asked, "Why don't you smile?" Then I knew for sure that everybody was looking at me. How do you respond to that? I just sat there in silence. I'll never forget that day. The church I grew up in has about 2,000 people in the congregation. During that time, I would drive a half an hour to service every Sunday and Wednesday, walk in the door and then walk out five minutes later because I couldn't handle the anxiety. I think I will always be more introverted than extraverted, but I have come a long way since those days.

Your situations sound so similar to mine. Hopefully I will be able to come a long way like you have.