Forgive me for the waste of space this will be for some, but at the moment I am merely another infp in need of expressing, explaining and letting go of my feelings. You don't have to read this, but thank you to those who have the patience. I just need to let this out.
Of course, what else could this be about other than love, yet I'm here to talk about it, which means it didn't turn out well. Let me just start by telling my boring story about the experience I had with her and how it ended.
I knew her and fell in love with her and wanted to grow old with her. Unfortunately, she grew a tad impatient and wanted physical affection (being an ENFP made her like that often). This led us to fool around, and her parents kept me from seeing her, threatening to contact the authorities if I ever so much as spoke to her again. Of course I loved her and wouldn't allow her highly unreasonable parents to take her from me, so we secretly kept in contact over the internet. It would only be nine months until her 18th birthday, so we could wait until then.
By four months, she tells me she wants to leave me, telling me "you have no future, you've given up on it" (and many more hurtful things I had no idea she was keeping to herself). Of course, I'm heart broken. January 26 this happened. The pain is still easing, and I'm feeling more and more okay. My problem is that I feel a jab in my chest at any news of her, no matter what it could be. I want it to stop, but I'm not sure how to make it stop.
Lucky for me, I have a very good friend I've known for 8 months, who has been my best friend and great support throughout my waiting for love and time after it was shattered. She confessed her feelings for me two days after valentines day and even exchanged some with me so I wouldn't feel the awfulness of "singles awareness day". I like her in return and feel that it can really go places if I want it to, but I still have my problem. My ex's memory still looms in my head, even with this new comfort.
Finally, I am lead to one idea, at least for now, that might help; I am going to write her a letter here. I feel more satisfied with it, knowing that there are people here to read it other than the pictures on my wall and her reactions to it in my mind.
"I loved you. Every time I said it, I meant it. I cherished the time I had with you and always wished I had more, especially in our brief moments of contact when I could no longer see you. I was willing to wait those nine long months and willing to wait longer to truly be with you without the influence of your parents. I did my best. I was loyal and faithful. There wasn't much more I could have done for you.
You are a hypocrite. I said I loved you because I meant it; you said you loved me to please me. You told me not to keep things bottled up and to tell you if there was anything that concerned me, or else I would resent you for them. You resented me for things you never told me bothered you, and you broke up with me for things you never told me. You didn't give me a chance to talk about it or work it out, you simply assumed I would hate you for them. I didn't. You and people like you preach about how people should accept you as you are... yet you get angry at us when we do something or behave a way you don't like. You get angry at me for not liking something you agree with and call me close minded... I am allowed to have a different opinion than you. You say I've said nasty and hurtful things to you... you've done exactly the same with the things you said when you broke up with me, and just because you disagree with/are bugged by something I say, doesn't make me mean.
All the times I said "I Love you", my persistence through your parents' threats, my patience to wait all that long time... meaningless.... because I disagreed with you on a couple matters.... and because you thought I would hate you for a couple things you never even told me about.
I guess it's my own fault for putting so much trust and faith into a bratty little girl... Goodbye."
Well that's my letter. I thought I might feel better, but not really. One of the things that was really bothering me today was that I accidentally learned that she now has a crush on another girl in school and wants to ask her out (I've been avoiding everything linking to her, but today was an accident. I guess I'm bothered because she is over me so quick and already shopping.... I know I have another girl now, but I wasn't shopping and had already known the girl for 8 months, and she's the one that confessed to me) Anyway..... thank you for your patience. Hopefully one of you might have some comforting words; I really hope for that.