I am a Christian. I grew up in a Christian home and went to Christian Shools all my life, but that isn't what makes me a Christian. I can understand why a lot of people become disillusioned with the church because of phoney people, bickering, judgmentalism, etc. It's really sooo sad to me.
I've never really liked going to church, well sometimes in the past, but overall not really. And I agree that this probably has a lot to do with being an INFP. I don't like big crowds or lots of noise. I dread being 'greeted' by strangers all around me at the beginning of the service. I don't feel very comfortable praying out loud in groups with strangers. And I dislike the way that not being comfortable with these things gets you labled as 'resisting the spirit' or some such nonsense. I've also disliked church because I am not a morning person. I hate having to stand there and I can't muster the energy to sing. I can't keep my mind focused to listen. It just doesn't work for me. And I'm sick of being told that "if you really loved God you'd be excited to be here" because I DO really love God, and believe me, this sunday morning routine was never prescribed by Him in the first place. It's a cultural thing. Worshiping God does not have to happen in this way. In fact I am MUCH more worshipfull when I go through a walk in nature, or contemplate things on my own. When I write in my prayre journal is when I pray the best, not when I'm holding hands in a circle of random people.
I've also found it hard to find a church where there is real depth to the messages. So many that I've visted seem to have the same sermon week after week, or they just don't take a very intellectual approach to anything, it's all just mushy feely stuff. I did like the church I grew up in where there were several pastors who took turns preaching and all of them were very focused on what the Bible actually said, looking at the historical context, the orriginal language, that kind of thing. It wasn't just 'devotional' stories about the pastror's life. Those can be good, but I've sat through so many shallow, disconnected, and just plain pointless sermons and Chaple services. I hate to say bad things about church and fellow Christians. I do believe that many are striving to be like Christ, but that doesn't mean they've all got it right. No, there are a lot of issues in Modern Christian Culture, and for the moment I'm not eager to keep striving to fit in with it (not that I ever really did).
I think for me another problem is the same problem that I have with all people - I'm just soooo out of the loop on popular culture anything, that I really have a hard time talking to and relating with most other people. I don't know, haven't seen, haven't heard, and don't enjoy the myriad of news, movies, shows, music, sports, celebrities, activities, games, and so on that other people are generally aware of an enjoy. Christian or not, I just have a hard time realting with people. However, I have found that sharing a love for God has helped me to get to know people that I never would have otherwise, and has helped me to experience deep conversations with people that I have little else in common with.
Personally I send little thoughts, smiles, requests, etc. to God throughout the day. Sometimes I hear Him answer in my mind, almost before I'm done arranging my thoughts. I believe it makes sense that there is a perfect God-creator, and I am constantly amazed by the complexity and beauty of the world. I feel He has showered mercy and love on my life and held me together when I wouldn't have been able to make it through on my own. I feel His presence when I am out among green trees and under the sweeping skies. He is real in my life, and a source of great hope, peace, and joy. My relationship with God is personal, and not something that I think anyone else can, or should judge, and I don't want to presume to judge the relationship of others with Him as well. It greives me that Christians have come to have a reputation for being judgemental, because of all people we ought to be the most forgiving and accepting and loving.
It's so sad to me that Christians have the reputation of being so conventional and so closed minded, because I don't think that's at all what God wants us to be. We should be creative, we should be seeking the truth (no insisting that we already know everything worth knowing), we should be curious to understand the world He made, and we of all people should be humble and realise that we can't know everything and are not always correct or even good.
It's very sad to me that so many people see Christianity as just following rituals and being part of a sundy morning club. How God has been worshiped, how His wisdom has been passed down has greatly differed across centuries and across nations, because it's not about the rituals, it's about a relationship, and about things that are beyond any one culture, love, forgiveness, wonder, humilty, and so on.
I have long wondered and asked God about being a missionary, but the answer kept coming back to me, that my place wasn't speaking to crowds, but communicating His love one-on-one to people near me, ministering to other Christians, and through close relationships with non-christians, not overseas, not in an organized group. I try to live out that love to others. I'm not always very good at it, but I try. I also like to pray for random people I see on the street, or whenever I hear a fire-engine or ambulance, I pray for those involved.
Although I have ideas about the world, life, God, heaven, etc. I am willing to admit that pretty much anything could possibly turn out to be wrong. I think I'm right, but who knows. I know I have limited understanding. I view philosophy and religion as stirring things to contemplate, but not something to get my ideas too adamantly stuck about. And I also believe that there is wisdom and truth to be found in authors and thinkers who do not believe in God or the Bible. I don't believe all other wisdom shoudl be shunned, but that we can find kernels of truth all over the place, and that through these we can help bring understanding, not division, between people.