[hideandseek]

Hey fellow perC users!!

Lately this problem has been playing on my mind and I need to get it off my chest!!!I have been having trouble with expressing my thoughts, opinions, and ideas. I often do/say things in order to please others, and now I feel like i no longer have a voice of my own. For example I behave differently in order to 'fit in' with the person/ group I am with at the time. It's frustrating as I do not value conformity at all, yet I am too shy to express my true self. I am two thirds through my university degree and for myself or in order to please people or because I'm too scared to step out into the real world...........



Can anyone else relate to this? If so how have you coped?

[Herp]

It's called passive behaviour. We avoid telling our feelings and desires so we can be accepted by others, but in the end, we just lose ourselves and our willpower. I've been there too, and right now, i've been trying to recover my power as well.

I'm trying to state my wishes and feelings whenever I feel like it should be done. I'm speaking up more often. You should try learning about passiveness, and if you relate to it, you can look up for material to learn on how to overcome it.

Here's a couple of articles for you to start with: Why People Remain Quiet, Shy, and Non-Assertive: The Benefits of Passive Behavior and Communication and How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty

They helped me when I was in need. I hope it helps you too.

[starflower]

I find that when I take time alone - lots of time alone - then I can find myself. I remember praying one time "I don't even know who I am anymore!" I was really frustrated. The answer came to me, "Well, who do you want to be?" That really struck me, and I have thought about it a lot. I have also found the most joy when I act like an INFP. Many of the things INFPs write about inspire me to do things I enjoy. I have discovered who I want to be, and that is the person I am becoming. I don't know how to put it into words - I hope I'm making sense.

[Esmeralda]

I was just going to make a thread like this yesterday, so aside from being able to relate, I'm afraid I can't really offer any advice. When struggling with this myself one of the things I have realised is that other people not only don't mind when you assert yourself in most cases, they expect and even respect it. We immensely fear losing the approval of those around us by asserting ourselves, but what we don't realise is that self-assertion actually gains esteem in the eyes of others. It's something I've never understood myself, but it is axiomatically true.

[Maiden]

I have trouble finding my voice as well, but you begin to learn how not to say yes to everything and to stand for your values and ideas.

[Randomblahnomina]

I totally feel you. This is supposed to be a common problem for our type, right?

I've found the best thing to do is force yourself to take a few risks, to stick yourself out there on purpose, and see what happens. It's pretty exhausting, but consider it a kind of emotional workout. Speaking of which, I should probably get back in shape...

[Aelthwyn]

Although I have been shy, I've never really put aside who I am for the sake of fitting in. I've always felt that if people didn't like me for who I truely am then their approval means nothing. I never felt like I needed most people to like me, BUT it was important to have a few who did. I think I was able to be so confident within myself, even if I didn't speak up openly about my differences, because of having the unwavering support of people like my mom and certain friends. I don't bother socialiing with people who don't like me for who I am - unless I can't help it (like at work or something). I just am who I am and leave it to others to like me or not. Sometimes I'm surprised to find others who really appreciate my uniqueness though I didn't expect to have anything in common with them. I usually keep my thoughts to myself around others unless asked my oppinion, and I do tend to focus on points of agreement over differences, so some people may end up thinking I'm more like them than I am, but I don't feel like I've lost myself because I spend plenty of time thinking and writing to myself what my actual oppinions, desires, and beliefes are. Perhaps even just keeping a journal in which you can write your own thoughts may help you to distinguish who you really are opposed to those around you. Also remind yourself that the approval of most other people really doesn't matter - especially when they are people who aren't important in your life. Remind yourself that you are valid as a unique individual and try to cultivate an inner 'knight in shining armor' who stands up for you in your mind when you are met with misunderstanding or disaproval from other people. Keep telling yourself it's ok to be different. It sounds like this is something you believe at the core, but you need to make a habit of giving that beliefe a voice in your head.