[susurration]

I was just thinking through the ways fi approaches other people. I know I have a huge emphasis on understanding other peoples boundaries, particularly on the issue of space (intellectual, emotional and physical). I always feel like i'm prying if I ask people personal questions. And i'm very conscious of effecting people; for good or bad. Unlike fe, i'm very hesitant to effect peoples emotions, feelings or thoughts, even for good. I feel very uncomfortable doing so because I feel as if they are not mine to move or touch, and indeed crossing into their space would be 'manipulation' as it were (even if it were for positive or negative purposes). Stepping into someones personal space gives you a lot of power, and I don't like having it.

Sometimes the selfish card is thrown for this reason. I apparently care too much about 'myself' to care for other people. But that is not the case even if it externally looks like that. I simply think peoples internal world's and personal spaces are not mine to touch and that I am averse to causing a negative response, so in turn I give other people a lot of space. I would rather not respond, than to negatively respond, you know? I would rather have them think i'm too self absorbed than to touch what I see as being their sacred world. The desire not to cross boundaries of other people seems to be a defining point of how I approach other people, because I can always see these boundaries of individuals very definitively.



Thoughts?

[Esotere]

Yeah, I think I understand where you're coming from. Not wanting to pry is generally a good thing, but then I realized that most ppl are nosier than I am, and I found that I didn't mind when they ask about what I think or feel so long as I don't get the impression that they have bad motives. Sometimes what feels like prying could be a way to genuinely get to know them--and authenticity is exceptionally important to an INFP.

[Maze]

I was just thinking through the ways fi approaches other people. I know I have a huge emphasis on understanding other peoples boundaries, particularly on the issue of space (intellectual, emotional and physical). I always feel like i'm prying if I ask people personal questions. And i'm very conscious of effecting people; for good or bad. Unlike fe, i'm very hesitant to effect peoples emotions, feelings or thoughts, even for good. I feel very uncomfortable doing so because I feel as if they are not mine to move or touch, and indeed crossing into their space would be 'manipulation' as it were (even if it were for positive or negative purposes). Stepping into someones personal space gives you a lot of power, and I don't like having it.

Sometimes the selfish card is thrown for this reason. I apparently care too much about 'myself' to care for other people. But that is not the case even if it externally looks like that. I simply think peoples internal world's and personal spaces are not mine to touch and that I am averse to causing a negative response, so in turn I give other people a lot of space. I would rather not respond, than to negatively respond, you know? I would rather have them think i'm too self absorbed than to touch what I see as being their sacred world. The desire not to cross boundaries of other people seems to be a defining point of how I approach other people, because I can always see these boundaries of individuals very definitively.

Thoughts?

Very well put, I couldn't have phrased it better. It is very frusterating when people assume Fi= self centered and I really wish they would come up with a better descritption for it than the old "focused on one's own feelings not others." I think you hit the nail on the head, Fi cares but is independent and honors others independance.

[susurration]

mm, that's the thing. Even when my motives are to simply get to know someone, I still am afraid that is prying. Like I am encroaching on sacred ground. I feel that constant tension, even when I desire greatly to go deeper with someone.

[Maze]

mm, that's the thing. Even when my motives are to simply get to know someone, I still am afraid that is prying. Like I am encroaching on sacred ground. I feel that constant tension, even when I desire greatly to go deeper with someone.

I know the feeling of not wanting to pry, I always ask somone if they want to talk about it and if they don't , I won't try to drag it out of them.(Which is bad when your talking to a friend who wants you to drag it out of them.) I guess its kind of a personal choice, if somone wants to open up its ok to encourage them but you shouldn't force a crab out of its shell. If you want to try and go deeper with somone its ok too, try just watch their reaction to see if they mind, most people don't it seems.

[susurration]

Very well put, I couldn't have phrased it better. It is very frusterating when people assume Fi= self centered and I really wish they would come up with a better descritption for it than the old "focused on own feelings not others." I think you hit the nail on the head, Fi cares but is indipendant and honors others independance.

I know I get this sense from my esfj mother. I had to learn that not everyone deals with things the way I do, and that sometimes it does appear offensive if you 'just think' about a person or be considerate of them internally, without using actions to prove it.

I don't blame other people for using the selfish label. I can understand where it's coming from. Sometimes I'm really uncommunicative about how I feel about people and the motivations behind my actions. I let them think i'm an a-hole rather than explaining where i'm coming from

[Darkestblue]

I mean no offense, but are you sure you're not just trying to justify being self-absorbed? I ask because everything you just said sounds a lot like something I'd say to myself when trying to justify a negative aspect of myself. I hate to use such a harsh term, but it's like pathological lying. Not that we're lying to ourselves, but we're very strongly believing in our false justifications. Justifications that we sometimes don't even realize we are making. As if our feelings were lying to us and we were believing it. I know if I were you, trying to think of why I may be so self-absorbed, I could come up with what you have posted here.

Then again, I could be totally wrong and am just misunderstanding the post. I'm just throwing this out there as a possibility. And again, I mean no offense. (I feel like this post sounds kind of mean. >_<)

[heartturnedtoporcelain]

I never want to enquire about information that's too personal to reveal. I wait until the other person is comfortable to tell me something ... even then, I don't indulge my curiosity and inquire further.

You could be right about the motivation behind my actions. I don't want to cross that barrier without explicit consent and even then I like it to be in an organic conversation without further prying.

This is one of the reasons why I talk about myself so much around others. I don't want to force them to talk about themselves by putting them on the spot.

[Maze]

I mean no offense, but are you sure you're not just trying to justify being self-absorbed? I ask because everything you just said sounds a lot like something I'd say to myself when trying to justify a negative aspect of myself. I hate to use such a harsh term, but it's like pathological lying. Not that we're lying to ourselves, but we're very strongly believing in our false justifications. Justifications that we sometimes don't even realize we are making. I know if I were you, trying to think of why I may be so self-absorbed, I could come up with what you have posted here.

Then again, I could be totally wrong. I'm just throwing this out there as a possibility. And again, I mean no offense. (I feel like this post sounds kind of mean. >_<)

That's a fair point. (I've always been told to beware of the sound of one hand clapping.) I think maybe it could be slightly self centered, but isn't being sensitive to others need for privacy a good thing? I figure its a tricky thing to know, maybe one honestly doesn't care for others or maybe one does care but is afraid of hurting anther by intruding. It is hard to know what goes through ones head or what their motivtions are, why not assume the best unless you have reason to believe other wise?

[RabbitHeart]

I do this a lot.

Except sometimes I think the fact that others don't seem to have such an inherent moral sense annoys me when they ask me for advice or talk about something they've been doing repeatedly that goes against my values (which aren't terribly oppressive). I'll listen and I'm patient but at some point, I get very manipulative and say whatever I have to in order to get them thinking the right way. This is normally the case with very unhealthy people. Sometimes I hold others to high standards, but only in the sense of being a trustworthy, honest, good person. I don't like to change their outlooks but if they simply don't have them, I get very frustrated. On the other foot, I never ask for advice myself from others. I just tell stories, if I'm so inclined to get something out. So it's the same thing with the fi, but I think sometimes having it makes me feel like others should. Learning the theory is helping me understand that the idea of fi isn't standard.

Otherwise, yes. I don't ask any questions when I meet others, beside the obvious. I prefer authenticity, so I prefer others to tell me what they think and feel without trying to impress me or doctor up their thoughts. I like to learn about people over time and I'm fairly perceptive with them, so it's more interesting for me. I learn more when I talk to people about their ideas and get their insights than when I ask them what their favorite sport is. It comes with time and conversation. I think sometimes it might offend them, but I really hope not. I don't like when people ask me serious questions all the time either. So yes, I probably should stop thinking people are anything like me. lol.

I was actually thinking about this the other day, but you explained my thoughts better for me than I could've. Thanks.