Supposedly it's an 'I' thing...

**Nightwine** · 11-11-2008 05:27 PM

Firstly, confessions and explanations.

I am a borderline 'I-E'. I fall on the 'I' side, but I'm not terribly deep in; only about 18% according to the test I last took.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. I've had some pretty wonderful times with him, but our time is drawing to an eventual close. Our personalities and desires of the future don't really mix well together. I've learned an incredible amount from him about myself and others, so I've a lot of mulling points in regards to personality and it's manifestations in habit, needs, and interactions. I'm sure I'll reference him a bit in the future here.

The question for this post comes out of a bit of a discussion/tift we had a while back. He declared the weekend that was coming up to be a 'him' time weekend, and wanted an empty house (while it seems as though I live there, I do in fact, have my own place). Every week and a half or so, he needs a night or two to himself, so it wasn't an unusual request. He's had a girlfriend who does the same exact thing, more often than him. Somewhere along the discussion, I explained to him that while I abstractly understand he has this need for an empty place, I don't actually understand the need itself, I lack comprehension. His response was that it's an 'I' thing, and 'E's' don't get it, with a nod to how I'm not a strong 'I'.

I'm not looking for validation or some such thing for this discussion; our two different views stem from personality and not from an issue with wrong or right. I bring up the story because it made me think, and my question is, how does your Introvert manifest itself in your life?

For me, despite being borderline E, I'm not the life of the party, and I enjoy my alone time. My definition of alone time, though, is 'don't get in my face, go amuse yourself in some other corner of the room/house' rather than needing entirely empty space. Though an empty house from time to time is nice, I admit, I actually find it detrimental more often than not. My best quality 'alone' time is when I'm doing my own thing, but I can sense the presence of someone else nearby.

I will often wander off to be by myself at conventions and parties too, and I think the underlying theme is this; I love alone time when I'm actively choosing to be by myself, I don't like enforced alone time because it comes across as more lonely than anything else. If there's someone else there, or some large group of people, that I can return to when I want and need contact again, even if just for a quick hug before disappearing into my book again, my alone time actually means something.

What about everyone else?

**Trope** · 11-11-2008 05:46 PM

I'm a strong introvert. It's a mental tiredness or irritability that only grows over time if I'm not left alone.

After a long enough period of interaction, no matter how much I like a person or group of people, I'm exhausted. The only way to recharge is for me to be left alone to do anything or nothing at all. There are times when I get to a point where I'd be better served by staring at a wall for a few hours completely alone than being in a situation that in any way involves other people. Their presence alone is enough to wear on me, although granted, some people eat up more energy than others. People I enjoy spending time with are much less draining.

**Nightwine** · 11-11-2008 05:55 PM

Interesting!

I am particularly interested in:

Their presence alone is enough to wear on me, although granted, some people eat up more energy than others. People I enjoy spending time with are much less draining.

While my alone time needs are different, I certainly have 'sets' of people who either speed up the time at which I need to disappear or who I feel comfortable with being in range but busy during my down time.

**cryptonia** · 11-11-2008 07:14 PM

oi let's see.... I'd pretty much start with "I agree with Trope." Even being in the presence of people is tiring (is this an awkward silence, or a normal one? I'm cool with silence... but I know few people are. How long will it last? Should I let my mind start to drift? What if it turns awkward for them while my mind's drifting? That wouldn't be very nice to them...), unless we get along very, very well and I can sit back and know that they're not expecting me to entertain them. I'm not sure I know a single person that I know that well... so as a general rule, I need down time to recharge.

How much time, though, depends quite a bit on how much stress I'm under. If nothing's bothering me at all, I'll be quite fine with 2 or 3 hours to myself every day or two. If I really need to clear my head or think about something, that bumps up to the normal 2 or 3 hours every day or two, plus a solid 6 or 7 sometime (usually during the weekend). In the most extreme case, my sleep schedule shifted til I was sleeping from around 10 AM to about 7 PM, then had the world to myself at night. That lasted a solid 2 1/2 months or so without more than a few words to my parents when they forced them on me... but it was certainly not a healthy introverted withdraw.

mm, as for parties and group gatherings... it's been a while since I've even gone out to one, but I tend to hate them. I'm almost thinking I just got taught to enjoy hanging out with a lot of people when I was younger, because the last dozen or so times I've had a group conversation with more than two or three people, I've wanted nothing more than to get out of there while we were talking. The reason for that has been different each time, but enough that my days hanging out with groups are quite over, I think. Individual people are much, much more fun, interesting, and usually relaxing to talk to.

I'm not quite sure I'm in the best state of mind to answer, because largely my problems are just buried now and I have no gauge on how they're affecting this answer. General rule of thumb, though: the more interesting the topic or open/personal the conversation, the more it energizes me. The less interesting and shallower the conversation, the more it drains me. That almost perfectly translates into individuals ---> enjoyable, groups ---> tiring. I have a good theory of why, too, but that's way off topic now. In short... for me, the only true alone time is not only just when I'm absolutely alone, but when there's not even the chance of anyone (like a roommate) coming back soon. That's when I get my relaxing in.

**snail** · 11-11-2008 07:24 PM

I'm an introvert, and I need a lot of time alone. I don't like being forced to interact, but I don't like being forced into isolation either. I like to be allowed to isolate myself when I choose without any negative social consequences, and to interact when I choose. If I am completely cut off from people for too long, I forget how to converse, start having obsessive fantasies about hugging people or even shaking hands, and start feeling miserable, mostly because I feel that my purpose in life is to love others. It's hard to do express a love for other people when I am not capable of interacting with them. It doesn't usually get this bad until I have been hiding in my room for at least a couple of weeks without speaking to anyone. Lately, I have been trying to make friends, but my favorite new friend needs even more time alone than I do. I don't intrude. I wait for him to call me when he is ready to be around me again.

**jeni_fini** · 11-13-2008 02:44 AM

Originally Posted by snail

I'm an introvert, and I need a lot of time alone. I don't like being forced to interact, but I don't like being forced into isolation either. I like to be allowed to isolate myself when I choose without any negative social consequences, and to interact when I choose. If I am completely cut off from people for too long, I forget how to converse, start having obsessive fantasies about hugging people or even shaking hands, and start feeling miserable, mostly because I feel that my purpose in life is to love others. It's hard to do express a love for other people when I am not capable of interacting with them. It doesn't usually get this bad until I have been hiding in my room for at least a couple of weeks without speaking to anyone. Lately, I have been trying to make friends, but my favorite new friend needs even more time alone than I do. I don't intrude. I wait for him to call me when he is ready to be around me again.

I agree with Snail. I am an Introvert as well and I enjoy my alone time. Usually my alone time is me reading a book, studying, or whatever in the same room with my partner while he watches tv. Early mornings are my alone time as I sit at my computer and check emails, talk and that sort of stuff. I need to have my alone time but there are times where I get bored when I am the only one around.

**Nightriser** · 11-13-2008 09:16 PM

Originally Posted by cryptonia

Even being in the presence of people is tiring (is this an awkward silence, or a normal one? I'm cool with silence... but I know few people are. How long will it last? Should I let my mind start to drift? What if it turns awkward for them while my mind's drifting? That wouldn't be very nice to them...)

Perfect summary of my thoughts when I'm not talking in the presence of others. Also, I feel kinda bad when someone says hi to me at lunch. I need my introvert time, but I feel like I'm being brusque or rude when I don't sit with them.

How much time, though, depends quite a bit on how much stress I'm under. If nothing's bothering me at all, I'll be quite fine with 2 or 3 hours to myself every day or two.

I usually spend most of my day barely to not at all interacting with others, but I usually require having lunch alone. The few times people have actually gone out of their way to sit with me at lunch, I imagine it must've been uncomfortable for both them and me, since they only rarely do it. When I'm emotionally stressed, things are a little different. I either try to get with some friends to forget the stress or I hide from whoever has inflicted the tension in my room.

Another reason I don't interact with others much is because I often get the impression of being the fifth wheel, which is a self-fulfilling prophecy, now that I think of it. Nonetheless, I was sometimes ignored when I'd talk about things that interested me, so that never encouraged me to push the issue any further.

Individual people are much, much more fun, interesting, and usually relaxing to talk to.
General rule of thumb, though: the more interesting the topic or open/personal the conversation, the more it energizes me. The less interesting and shallower the conversation, the more it drains me. That almost perfectly translates into individuals ---> enjoyable, groups ---> tiring.

Seems to fit.

How do you all explain introversion to people who think you're weird for wanting to be alone?