[INFP] INFP and ISTJ relationships - Page 2

INFP and ISTJ relationships

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This is a discussion on INFP and ISTJ relationships within the INFP Forum - The Idealists forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Originally Posted by Flora The ISTJ will look after you and deal with those little everyday things that really irritates ...

  1. #11
    INFP - The Idealists

    Quote Originally Posted by Flora View Post
    The ISTJ will look after you and deal with those little everyday things that really irritates us in a very efficient way. It's up to the individuals to let it develop in a "healthy symbiosis" or a very unhealthy "mothering/fathering" relationship. The ISTJ can thrive on this role or resent they always have to do everything. The INPF could be in heaven or be patronised until they have no confidence left. Depends.

    If you want profound, big picture, emotional conversations in which you open yourself up to another individual and you find this amazing connection because they "get" you..find yourserlf friends or family to do this with. With the ISTJ is not going to happen. Simple, don't sweat it or you'll feel lonely. You'll find the only conversations that will work will be about practical details, immediate issues, tangible things around you...sensing territory and totally alien to us! haha.
    I agree on both points. I think it could be very easy for an INFP/ISTJ pairing to become a parent/child relationship. I also think that an ISTJ could provide profound conversations but it won't be without effort on their part. Just for me, personally, I need to have that on a somewhat routine basis with my husband or I feel very disconnected from him. I would hazard a guess that other INFP's need that with their romantic partner, too.

    Any pairing can work. And any pairing will take work. I do think it's smart of you, OP, to try to get a handle on how she operates. Very sweet.
    Flora and Sojourn4 thanked this post.

  2. #12
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    I was just in a relationship with a (possible) ISTJ for 9 months (possible because he was depressed, so he could have been an ISFP, actually). Anyhow, what really drove us apart was what Flora said: lack of connection on the "profound, big picture, emotional conversations." Know what you are getting into with that.

    Only speaking from my experience, also know that they are extremely loyal and amazingly sweet when they let you in :) Many of them seem to crave the adventurousness and whimsy of NFPs.
    OrangeAppled, Memphisto, refugee and 5 others thanked this post.

  3. #13
    INFP - The Idealists

    I hope this doesn't discourage you, but here's my experience with an ISTJ female:

    She is cute, very quiet, and has never had a romantic relationship, let alone a date with anyone. She's still in college. I talked to her a lot and we're good friends. I think she may have feelings for me but I never really gave any hints that I like her as a gf. I've thought about her for a long time in my head (INFP thing) and played out our relationship. I came up with 1 conclusion: going to get boring fast. First of all, I don't think she's the passionate type (which is what I seek, at least half-passionate). Secondly, I won't be able to have too much fun with her. After all, she's very 'clean' and I like to be on the edge once in a while - drinking, exercising, pets, having lots of fun. Fun for her and fun for me are a LOT different things. And finally, she doesn't understand my intuition when I talk about intuitive things. Lack of meaningful conversations.

    On the plus side, if we were to be in a relationship, I know I could trust her that she won't be seeing other guys and she'll do almost anything I ask her to do (in a legal sense), such as going to which places, movies, etc. Heck, I'm 90% sure she could put out for me if I tried for a week. But I wouldn't touch her even if she wasn't a virgin because I respect her a lot.

    That's my opinion. And based on reading other forums, why is it that ISTJs (and other SJs) get cheated on a lot during relationships?

    But whenever I think about ISTJs, it's this: "Get off my lawn or I'll shoot!"

    Think of the pro's and con's very carefully on ISTJs. Faithful and responsible. Yet VERY 'clean life', too clean - perhaps it's a good thing for older INFPs
    rawr_sheila, Sojourn4 and Aelthwyn thanked this post.

  4. #14
    INFP - The Idealists

    My mom is either ISTJ or ISFJ and we have been best friends all my life. We get along really great - when she's not nagging me about not being on time or not being responcible, tidy, and 'together'. (which I'll admit has been quite demoralizing). When she's not in Teacher/Mom mode we really have a great time enjoying quiet afternoons together, reading on the couch, going for a walk, watching old movies, etc. And we love to talk about stuff over dinner. ALthough she isn't quite as theoretical as I am, it's not like she's stupid, she can get into discussions of ideas too. While she's more likely to say "but that's not possible" she still lets me ramble about all my dreams to her. Sometimes I do feel hurt when she thinks that I am just tooo fanciful. However on occasion she has been a good help with working out some practical steps to acheiving some ideal, or at least she tries. One thing she complained about with my INTP father though is that he'd talk about ideas and she'd get all set to run off and start living self-sufficiently in an adobe hut in the desert or whatever his latest scheme was (lol yes my mom and dad both love to 'rough it') and then my dad would say "Oh no I was just thinking 'what if'" And she would be all disappointed. She felt like he never followed through with practial things when she was counting on him. So that could be a potential problem. I don't think you want her to end up feeling like she's playing mom all the time for a 'space cadet.'

    However, I totally think it can work out great if you guys are committed to understanding eachother, respecting your differences, working out compromises, and if you have similar values.

    As someone mentioned, I think some gender expectations/trends may play in favor of softening the potential problems with this combination. I'd be a lot more wary if you were the ISTJ and she was the INFP. As mentioned above, she's probably been encouraged to develop her sensitivity and feeling side more than a guy would have. Also the general expectations in relationships seem to allow for men to become a bit more domineering than women often do -not that we don't ever- so my guess is that if she respects you, she won't accidentally end up walking all over you just because she thinks that's how a leader acts -whcih I think can sometimes happen with STJ men and INFP women.
    Goosefish and rawr_sheila thanked this post.

  5. #15
    INFP - The Idealists

    I see that a lot of the common themes here is understanding. And that is key in any relationship, also communication.

    "I've thought about her for a long time in my head (INFP thing) and played out our relationship."
    Thats what I have been doing!!! Lol. I think that is good to a point but it gets to be unhealthy. There needs to be a plan for sure but the best thing any of us can do is be our selves. Awareness is Curative, be your best self! So gaudy316 would you consider asking that "cute, very quiet, and has never had a romantic relationship" ISTJ girl out sometime? Or do you not want to hinder the friendship?

    "However, I totally think it can work out great if you guys are committed to understanding eachother, respecting your differences, working out compromises, and if you have similar values."
    We do have the same values and I have great respect for her opinions. Well I don't agree with all of them 100% but we do talk about the pro's and con's openly. One of the biggest things is that she takes the time to talk me. you have to understand for me that is huge!!! I will have a bad day or sometimes a bad week and I'll just call her up and say, "hey want to get some coffee of something?" Out of all my friends she is the one that listens to me.

    "It will be a very cosy, safe relationship, where you would do lot's of familiar things, cosy nights in, very structured, predictable and dependable."
    Do you know how important that is?!?!? My whole life has been up in the air for so long and I am so sick and tired of it! I want things to come down and be predictable, you know? Sure it could be boring once in a while but I know want its like to be busy all the time with everything flying around and chaotic. I do need peace once in awhile.

    "If you want profound, big picture, emotional conversations in which you open yourself up to another individual and you find this amazing connection because they "get" you..find yourserlf friends or family to do this with. With the ISTJ is not going to happen. Simple, don't sweat it or you'll feel lonely."
    Um I think that she does get me to a point. But thats not really for me to decide. One thing that I found out very early on in our friendship is that she likes poetry, hehe :) and I love to write poetry! So do I connect with her in deep emotional ways? I think with a little time and patience it could happen.
    Last edited by Sojourn4; 12-01-2010 at 01:51 AM.

  6. #16
    INFP - The Idealists

    I have an ISTJ friend. Whenever she's around someone Te-dominant her Te is very visible and she's very scary :S But when we're together or with other feeling-types she's so sweet! I think her Fi is very well-developed. Maybe because she's a girl she's more in touch with her feelings?

    I wouldn't date her tough. Usually if I get interested in someone in a "let's get married and have 100 kids" -way turns out he's either Ne- or Ni-dominant. ISTJs' inferior function is Ne and even though our Te and Fi seems to work well together I'll always miss the crazy speculations which I have with other intuitives.

    This doesn't mean your relationship couldn't work. I think you should just go for it and find out.

  7. #17
    INFP - The Idealists

    I married (and divorced) an ISTJ. She was organized, annoyingly structured, and horribly cold. She did not relate well to people even though she tried to put on a brave face. There were many factors that caused us to grow apart, not just our personalities. However, I'd have a hard time getting into a romantic relationship with another ISTJ. Personally, I found myself too willing to compromise myself to make her happy and comfortable, and in the end when I needed warmth and kindness, she wasn't there.

    It sounds to me like you're doing the typical INFP stuff...you're making a case for this relationship based on how you feel right now. You reaffirmed the positive points made, and countered the negatives. That's fine, but don't be surprised when things feel cold after the infatuation period is over.
    Flora thanked this post.

  8. #18
    INFP - The Idealists

    To Sojourn4:
    I am in constant reminder whenever I'm with that ISTJ female: should I make a move? Alas, I end up in the same conclusion over and over again - (right now) she's not gold medal. Do I even know who my gold medal is? Not even! I guess it's a typical thing for me (or us INFPs?) do: save ourselves up for THE ONE or whoever we're really infatuated with (whoever comes first). Right now, I want a relationship that's a bit more intoxicating.

    Regarding the above post (sandnessnj), what he talked about almost summarizes my case for not going for my friend.

    I totally am not discouraging you to go for the ISTJ girl you have in mind. In fact, based on your wants (response to the 'cozy, predictability') I'd say go for her. You never know when you hit gold until you dig, right?

    For all INFPs, I have to agree that we really need to have a long dating period before we get on our knees and pop the question.
    Sojourn4 thanked this post.

  9. #19
    INFP - The Idealists

    "Do I even know who my gold medal is? Not even! I guess it's a typical thing for me (or us INFPs?) do: save ourselves up for THE ONE or whoever we're really infatuated with (whoever comes first)"
    Yes! Its all of us!!! All I know is she is out there looking for me too (I hope) Lol. I tell yah if "THE ONE" came up to me right now I hope that I would not just pass her by. I had a girl tell me years later that she had a crush on me and I was like, What? How come you didn't say anything? She said, I gave you all kinds of signs but you just didn't pay attention. Well believe me I am paying attention now!

    "I totally am not discouraging you to go for the ISTJ girl you have in mind. In fact, based on your wants (response to the 'cozy, predictability') I'd say go for her. You never know when you hit gold until you dig, right"
    Thanks Man!

    "I want a relationship that's a bit more intoxicating"
    First, the only reason I am bring this up is because I want you to not make the mistake I made (just looking out for you). Now that said, intoxication will happen if the girl likes you and wants you! But the real problem I have with my girl is, she does like me and wants me, but if she allows her feelings to come out then there is that feeling of being vulnerable, and she senses that then pulls back. How well do you know this ISTJ girl? Is she in-touch with her feelings? Or is that all closed up inside of her? It is something that happens to everyone at some time or another, the feeling of I can let anyone see the "Real" me. If that's the case then I bet you might know what has caused this to happen to her. Awareness is Curative!

    So I keep on trying because I care, and its a challenge! She Challenges me too, to come back down to earth once in a while. To face reality and be serious about life is something that I don't do naturally. Lol

    Well remember this, you don't dig up the Gold Medal. You dig up the gold first, then work it, smelt in down, and fashion it into the Gold Medal. To sum it all up, Any girl is not just going to walk right up to you and give you what you need!

  10. #20
    INFP - The Idealists

    My guess would be an ISTJ would be a bit too stoic for me.


 
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