[infpblog]

I've always thought "Just be yourself" as bad dating advice.

What if you suck? Then being yourself isn't really going to help you much.

Suck #1: INFPs have a tendency put things off to the last minute. That includes leaving in order to show up on a date on time.

Suck #2: INFPs usually don't like small talk. Everything is small talk. Baudrillard or Bay Watch. It doesn't matter. Everybody shows off their esoterica in some way or the other in conversation. Just because we have some deep philosophical insight on the universe doesn't mean it's going to be meaningful to anyone other than ourselves. When we want to just talk about we deem as meaningful conversation, we're just being incredibly shallow.

Suck #3: We don't give people enough time to be themselves. I find INFPs incredibly dismissive of people that don't fall within our narrow standards of "friend."


With any relationships, it comes down to one thing: what do you offer in a relationship?



INFPs are good listeners? Well, unless it's something we don't want to hear and then we run off.
INFPs are accepting of others? Well, unless they values opposed to ours.

Getting to know an INFP is like walking through a landmine. You're paranoid that you'll tread some unspoken core value. It's like walking on eggshells constantly.

That being said, I think INFPs have more potential to be more than any other MBTI type. However, INFPs have problems taking action to be more and that potential is never realized.

In order to have more, you first need to be more.

Because being yourself as you are now has only gotten you this far.

[snail]

There really are unfair standards that have to be acknowledged, whether you respect yourself as an INFP male or not. The world really does make it harder for you. Feel free to complain about injustices. Feel free to express when you are hurt. Do it as often as you want. You have the right. Don't let anyone tell you there is something wrong with showing pain, feeling frustrated, or seeking comforting, especially when you are in a place where there are others who might relate. Make all of the threads you want about how difficult it is to be a male INFP, because if I were a male, I guarantee that I would. Your voice is one of the things they try to take from you. If the majority had the power to crush out your differences, they would steal your tears and sew your eyes closed, dry up the well of inspiration that makes you special, and convert you into something useless. Please complain if you feel like complaining. The INFPs who are cut off from their ability to voice their grievances are the ones who are unfit for deep bonding.

[pinktees]

I pretty much love this post.

So far I have met about 2 INFP men (not including you) on here who have been emotionally secure. (or at least aren't blabbing about them every 5 minutes for whatever reason)

every other male INFP here seems to either be
A. Unconciously self absorbed
B. A wuss
C. Totally inept at utilizing logic or knowing how their actions come across to other people from a LOGICAL standpoint.

It gets kind of annoying and I stayed away from the INFP section for quite a long time because I was tired of seeing a lot of people whining about problems that can really only be fixed by someone slapping them in the face and telling them to grow a pair.

With that being said, this forum is also a place of healing for INFP's so I semi-expect them to act this for way a while. I don't care if someone has problems, I only care if they make steps to fix them or not.

The only advice I have to give INFP men is this:

1. Be realistic sometimes
You are not going to get the sympathy and loving you wish and hope for until you make an effort to tone yourself down and make yourself approachable. Uncontrolled Fi is a barrier that keeps people away but you don't realize it. Learn that it's not the end of the world if that barrier takes a potential beating occasionally. It works like an immune system, the more you use it the stronger you become.

2. Get over it and move on.
You can't change the past by moping about it, you can only prevent mistakes from being repeated in the future. Even if it seems like your life is over, the only kind of real defeat a human can experience is getting themselves killed in the process of trying. As long as you are alive, you have the ability to stand back up and try again. It is annoying and difficult to do so, but that is just your irrational side wanting to take the easy way out. Do not let your irrational fear have control over you.

3. Come out of your head. The water's fine.
Your fantasies should be utilized for entertainment purposes only, they do not benefit you in the real world at all and should not be applied to it.

4. You're actually not as into her as you think you are
Always, ALWAYS second guess yourself when you feel yourself developing an emotion attraction to a girl. Unhealthy INFP's are prone to ignore the cons and only look at the pro's because it's easier. And if you get rejected for reasons you really did see all along but chose to ignore, all you deserve is a big fat I told you so. Rejection is the kryptonite of INFP's, you can avoid it by utilizing critical thinking, not idealistic thinking. At the same time, by all means do not be afraid to let girls into your internal world.
avoid falling into a one sided infatuation at all costs. it may be fun but it will only eat you apart from the inside given enough time.

5. Show yourself off
Rarely do INFP's ever take the time to realize their strengths because of public oppression by the general population. So they usually think they have none and don't ever give themselves any credit or brag about themselves, this leads to self-loathing. You can do this without being self-centered, don't not give yourself credit simply because of a fear of being seen as self-centered. There is a time to brag and there is a time not to. Simply learn to know when those times are and ignore the opinions of the insecure people who will try to put you down when you give yourself a turn on the pedastal. INFP's are the masters of many domains that many other people could never even get close to.
So the average guy says you're a pussy for being emotional, well fuck the average guy. They are the ones who aren't man enough to handle emotion. and the more you embrace and take pride in your ability to understand emotion the more you will realize it really is a difficult thing for many people to utilize, yet you handle it like it's a childrens toy.

6. Many girls dig Fi
But only if you can portray it confidently.

you are officially the fucking man.

[Wheelie]

Thanks OmarFW, I will proceed now to grow a pair. Like act like an ESTJ lol whine whine whine bitch bitch bitch.

[Wheelie]

to expand, will OmarFW please explain further how to show off our Fi? or possibly provide a link that would detail it?

[Mei]

to expand, will OmarFW please explain further how to show off our Fi? or possibly provide a link that would detail it?

Showing off your Fi is showing off what you feel after you exposed yourself to that object, or action. There is a thread about "child-like" wonder of INFP. This is a core component of who we are, and how we are. I wish I could share my emotions with my loved ones in private. Please see note about how I acted when I saw my cousin's firstborn. THIS kind of expression should be brought to the external world and not kept internally within yourself. They are joyous feelings.

The thing which gives INFP male a bad press, is possibly that you guys share a little too much of internal conflicts with others. So, this to me, is what makes a man masculine. Because I am also an INFP, I can tolerate and appreciate to a high extent of why many will feel this way, but excessiveness display of this to your partner is what really dispel that kind of couple bond. i.e. if you cannot handle your own emotions, how will you handle the girl's emotions if she needs to rely on you to listen and to support her emotional needs? Sometimes you have to be strong for the other person too, as well as yourself. I think INFP males are indeed capable, cos I find myself being able to put on a social worker face, and I am sure that INFP males can also do this too. Cos it is who we are. Naturally.

Be thankful that this is just the internet, cos you do need to find a release of these kind of emotions, but not all expressions need to be let through to your partner's. It needs to have a balance in order to be healthy.

[SPtheGhost]

we live in a world of social construction and the infp male has foundational personality traits that disagree with your average male stereotype , which is what you're talking about when you say "man"

the tension of this disagreement is what i think the OP is saying should not be happening

but i think its inevitable as long as socially constructed stereotypes exist, and they most likely always will


this thread is actually ridiculous ...telling an infp to not desire their view of perfection of the world is like telling an infp to not be an infp

this "crybaby" stuff you're talking about is a natural response to the friction between the infp type and reality

[Frosty]

well, I managed to grow a pair of cajones in the span of a little under two hours. I suppose I should go up to a bottomless pit now, kick someone in it and yell "This is Sparta!" while chugging down a bottle of Jack Daniels and taking a big bite of a hog leg.

Grrrr! FrostLobster mad, FrostLobster smash! xD

[CynicallyNaive]

I can ask a girl out and she could say no, who cares? I'll still be alive tomorrow.

Well, we care. Too much. That's the challenge, although it's not a problem, just a part of our personality that needs to be overcome in this case.

It's like other personality types are risking $1 (a tiny bit of disappointment, and maybe some shame, maybe not) to win $100 (a mediocre relationship). We're often faced with risking $200 (a profound sense of vulnerability) to win $100. It's not hard to see why we don't ask out every attractive girl we see.

Recently i felt like i was risking $200 to win $1 000 000 (yeah, it's just a metaphor, roll with it). So i worked up my courage and had the conversations we needed to have. But she's a pretty amazing person to be worth all that effort, and women like that don't come along every day.

===

That said, i agree with the gist of your post. A sense of "agency" is always a good thing.

[Mei]

Right, to dispel the myth and stop yourself from getting hurt unnecessarily. You INFP men are supposed to be absolutely great match for ESFJ, and ENFJ. (God help you on this one, but NOT all ESF are indeed shallow, I recently met a French girl who preferred tender loving care instead of the macho alpha male type. Go figure! ) I think maybe ESFJ are more suited to your type because the S are more physical, and they are more active. So if you want a girl who is a little bit more sporty, then I think the S may be better.

There you go. Use your N intuition to check out whether they are compatible with you in a long-term way even before you go ahead and approach them! Do your homework, and then go chase. I doubt that they will turn you down. If you don't even find out a little bit about what the girl likes or don't like, you're not likely to get anywhere either...

[Added] I like this thread. I like the fact that, the OP tried to stop many INFP from dwelling into a depression, and I applaud him for that. Even though, yes, you should not stop expressing your emotions, but once you let it all out, you need to be proactive and start using your T to move yourself forward, and not circle between your dominant F and your N. I've been there too, and I wasted my time. I should know what I was looking for, and just go get. I now know, and is more self aware. I hope that the OP just gave many other shy INFP guys a little bit wisdom to jump straight ahead and skip these kind of mistakes or potential heartaches. Sharing knowledge is empowering the individual.

Now that the individual know their own type, they should stop wasting their time mourning on girls who doesn't fit them or look at them the same way, cos it just means you are not what they are looking for either. You're also using these women as a way to validate your own self, which you should not do. If you can obtain this understanding in your 20s, then I think you will skip right ahead of the dating game. lol !