[slownumbers]

Anyone other INFPs out there with an ESTJ parent? What has your experience been like?

I just found out today that my mom is an ESTJ and I was shocked. I would have never guessed that we are complete opposites. We get along great (despite the fact that she always think she is right, haha). She has always been a very nurturing mom and I envisioned ESTJs to be colder and less emotional but that is not the case at all.

[yourstruly]

my dad is an ESTJ and I hate him usually.
He's a drunk though, so that might be mostly why..
but he's such a drama queen.
He can't take it when somebody challenges him.

[slownumbers]

my dad is an ESTJ and I hate him usually.
He's a drunk though, so that might be mostly why..
but he's such a drama queen.
He can't take it when somebody challenges him.

Interesting perspective, thanks for sharing your experience. I guess it goes to show that there is a lot more involved in relationships than "type" alone.

[xToXiCx]

My dad is an ESTJ and I was quite surprised when I found out about his type being my opposite. Honestly, I always thought I was more like him than my mom (who is ironically an INFP). My dad's always been supportive of me but when I think about it we are not that similar. He loves attention and he only cares about himself during conversations. He will rarely ask me how my day went even if I had mentionned earlier that I had an exam for which I was stressed for. He does not know how to read emotions at all and just feels uncomfortable with anyone who is not in an happy mood.

Otherwise, he's quite generous and he tries to be understanding...

[starflower]

My dad is ESTJ - an unhealthy extreme. The only question on the test he had a little trouble with was 'do you do things the right way, or your way?' His answer: My way IS the right way! Yeah, we never really got along. I was never good enough for him, and he always tried to ridicule me and bully me into doing things and thinking like he does. I've since found out that while INFPs tend to show love and respect by accepting people for who they are, ESTJs tend to show love my trying to make you 'be happy' like they are. Made for a rough childhood.

[katerp]

Another INFP child with an ESTJ father here. I know what you mean about being surprised that your parent was ESTJ because my dad's very supportive and easygoing most of the time, which went againt the cold, strict stereotype I had for ESTJs. I questioned his type for a while but I now think ESTJ fits best. We actually have always gotten along pretty well, but I was always a good student and never really got into trouble (unlike my ESTP brother) so I guess being responsible kept me on his good side. I wouldn't say we're super close though since most of our conversations involve us joking around or him telling me about his day or whatever boring ass thing he's watching on TV at the moment (I guess his lack of ability to notice or care that he's boring me to death sometimes is his T in action?). We don't get deep enough for any conflicts to come up.

I think the more dangerous combination is INFP and ESFJ (my mother). We get along most of the time, but because she feels enough to be concerned about me but doesn't understand me it leads to a lot of conflict where she just annoys the hell out of me: "Why are you like this?" "Why don't you do this?" "You should do that." Ugh, I hate it.

[miro]

I had to join this forum because I wanted to post a reply here. First, I want to ask slownumbers and others something. Is it really that hard to guess your parent's type? I've never had my mom take the test but she's definitely an ES and J. After reading the description of an ESTJ mother, I'm convinced that she's an ESTJ. ESFJ isn't that far away though.

I actually found this thread because I was looking for some guidance on understanding my ESTJ mother better, and that's because I want her to understand me better. We've been writing email messages for some time now. I've figured there's a pattern in how we misunderstand each other. We think differently. I'm an abstract thinker whereas she's the opposite, a concrete thinker.

We get along just fine, except for when I'm living my life my own way. Then she doesn't understand me but she floods me with questions. I explain but she still doesn't understand. She asks for examples and clarifications and I'm having trouble coming up with good ones. She understands the examples, the facts and the truths that she's asking about, but when she asks me "this is how it is, right?" it just doesn't sound like me at all. I want to say "yeah but it's not that simple!" I'm guessing that leaves her pretty confused. Well she can't admit that she just doesn't understand. She thinks she can understand anything if she tries hard enough. I was sensing that kind of an attitude once and I told her about it and she took it as a compliment although I found it something negative. That just shows how she misunderstands me a lot. She's quite prejudiced whereas I'm very open-minded and adventurous. She's having a hard time understanding how I didn't choose to be this way at some point of my life. She asks me if it's been good for me to be so open-minded (because to her it means dangerous). How would I know about anything else...? How could I suddenly change myself into something like her?

I've got a few childhood memories too. My mom used to make fun of me because something I did was "cute" and she wanted to share it with others. Well my reaction to her unintentional public humiliation was to stop sharing my life with her. So we were never really close. We only started to talk when I was in my late 20's.

So how do I make her understand me better? Or just accept that I'm very different from her? How do I make her understand that she doesn't understand?

[faeriegal713]

ESTJ father here - it took many, many years before we were able to come to some sort of understanding that I was not going to be like him. I avoided home like the plague from the moment it was possible to do so, and it was often very difficult to sit down for even dinner. From about the time I could start questioning him, around the age of seven, our relationship changed drastically. I was no longer daddy's girl, I was someone who took every opportunity to make his life difficult as is possible. That was when I really started to withdraw from the world and into my world of books, and why it is so easy for me to go days without human contact. Any human contact/communication.

Anywho, we've come to some sort of understanding recently. I have worked on being more responsible and doing that whole adult living thing, and he sees the effort and life is tolerable. There are still arguments where neither of us can understand the other, we pretty much speak and entirely different language, but we both at least try to figure it out, even if it is a few hours/days later when we've both calmed down.

So... I guess what I'm trying to say is that it is possible to come to some sort of truce or understanding if your interaction with an ESTJ parent was not so great while you were growing up. It's not easy, but it is worth it. I love my dad, always have, always will, and I think he's finally understood that.

[agreenbough]

My husband (ESTJ) has an uncle that I believe is also an ESTJ. His motto could be "My way or the highway". He has two children that I went to high school with, and they're both very nice people - soft-spoken, easy to get along with, nice to be around.
They have had no contact with their father for years, because they were never good enough for him. He has never seen his grandchildren. My husband tends to be very sympatheic to his uncle and doesn't understand how his kids could treat him so badly. He can't see that the uncle is reaping what he sowed. It's very sad. But Unccle "knows" he's right and will not give an inch.

[ForsakenMe]

My mother is an ESTJ. We don't get along and we never have... However, we do have moments where we're "okay" with each other. She has made me cry more than I can count... My father is an ESTP and he's no fun either.

If I were to move away someday, I'd like our contact to be short and to the point. I've realized the cold hard truth that we just plain don't like each other and we're better off without each other in our lives.