[susurration]

Throughout my life, the transcendental image of goodness has always been pervasive, in both my inner world and also how I conduct my behaviour. I grew up with the image of Jesus Christ, and although I was always quite agnostic as a child, and I am not religious now, this figure would be similar to the standard of goodness that guides me in my life.

When I do what I concieve to be wrong, or when I hurt others, I solemnly repent. It's a feeling I can only describe as an immense whole body sickness, and my thoughts seem to be on fire.

I don't think in such black/white terms as I used to, and I'm a lot easier on myself now then I used to be, but doing "the wrong thing" still effects me the way it always has.




What personal standards/"images" do you hold yourself to? and what happens when you don't "live up to" your own standards?

[Pop Crimes]

I used to have a standard of goodness I used to try and live up to, and they were manifested in the beings of Jesus and Buddha.

But that was ages ago, when I was a teenager. It's just that after a while, I realized that I am, at the core, a bad person. A real nasty piece of work, so I just gave up on trying to be good, and I'm now focusing on trying to reign in my evil instead.

*around the age of 17 I realized that my "good" acts were baldfaced lies meant to get something, some sort of reward*

You say you solemnly repent when you think you've done wrong...I think a lot of people do. But that's good. I feel as if I'm born without a conscience, in that sense. I've never, not once in my life I think repented for the things I've done wrong. I have confessed them no doubt, but I've never felt guilty. I have felt bad, but only BECAUSE of the negative effects a certain action will have on me.

So in that sense I think it's a waste of time for me to try to uphold my standards of goodness. That time is better spent trying not to be evil instead.

But on the bright side, what does it all mean?

It means I'm too badass

[susurration]

I used to have a standard of goodness I used to try and live up to, and they were manifested in the beings of Jesus and Buddha.

But that was ages ago, when I was a teenager. It's just that after a while, I realized that I am, at the core, a bad person. A real nasty piece of work, so I just gave up on trying to be good, and I'm now focusing on trying to reign in my evil instead.

*around the age of 17 I realized that my "good" acts were baldfaced lies meant to get something, some sort of reward*

You say you solemnly repent when you think you've done wrong...I think a lot of people do. But that's good. I feel as if I'm born without a conscience, in that sense. I've never, not once in my life I think repented for the things I've done wrong. I have confessed them no doubt, but I've never felt guilty. I have felt bad, but only BECAUSE of the negative effects a certain action will have on me.

So in that sense I think it's a waste of time for me to try to uphold my standards of goodness. That time is better spent trying not to be evil instead.

But on the bright side, what does it all mean?

It means I'm too badass

This is interesting to me. Do you experience empathy? what drove you to be good before?

What drives me to be good, is my higher self (perhaps in the Kantian sense) and... empathy... among other things.

[Pop Crimes]

This is interesting to me. Do you experience empathy? what drove you to be good before?

What drives me to be good, is my higher self (perhaps in the Kantian sense) and... empathy... among other things.

Hey, thanks so much for those questions. It sent me on a whirlwind tangent of thoughts that didn't make sense, and I guess I'll try to string them all together here.

Do I experience empathy? It's hard to say. What is empathy exactly? When I was seventeen, I remember walking out at night to a mamak to get some supper. Along the way I saw a dog with its guts completely spilled out its anus. Its intestines all over the sidewalk. It sat motionless, staring at me. I stared back at him and walked on. I could have phoned animal welfare the next morning. Or even the police. Done something. I did not. But did I feel for it? Yes, I did. I felt horrible. Yet I enjoyed my supper and didn't do anything about it.

I lied to my parents a lot and have wasted a lot of their money. I said, I tell myself all the time I will make up for all the lies I have told. Have I really done anything truly palpable to put right what I've done wrong? No. But do I feel sad when I recall my father's work-wracked body? Yes.

If empathy is defined as the ability to recognize and feel some compassion for the pain of others, then yes - I do have empathy. But if empathy requires you to act on your feelings, to feel to the extent of inspiring action within yourself, then no - I do not have empathy.

What drove me to be good before was, as I said, a sense of doing something in return for something else. I'd offer to help a pretty girl for example to move her belongings from her old apartment to her new one. But I'd wince at having to drag my ass to the porch to help my dad repair his car. I'd do various things like volunteer to work at a children's shelter, or help out the construction laborers renovating my friend's house - but I did all these with a sense of pride so I can pat myself on the shoulder someday and tell myself that I was compassionate; a way of canceling out the fact that I've harmed many people in my life and other crimes (I'm too tired to go into detail about them here). And then I'll sit in my room and pride myself on how I followed the teachings of Jesus or whoever.

I guess you can say, in a way, that I have a conscience but a very limited one. Like I said, I feel bad for in a way, stealing money from my parents - but I feel that the "Badness" I feel is only there because of the negative repercussions that will occur if they found out.

I could spit out more "bad" things I've done here, I could sit here all night confessing as if I have a gun held to my head but I guess you get a basic picture of who I am. In fact, I think you got that ages ago, from all that I've said on Personality Cafe. You and the other friends I've made here probably know me more than those in real life.

On a last note, if you happen to be charitable enough to think that the fact of me being able to be honest with myself is a redeeming quality - think again. Think about the fact that I could have told these things to a counselor, or my close friends. I didn't actually need to lend this reply the emotional weight that it bears. I could have just laid out the facts and answered your questions.

My posts on Personality Cafe have slowed quite a bit because I've come to realize that I virtually have nothing to say to others that doesn't reek of an almost inhuman desire for attention, affection (however possible over the internet) and pity. I can never bring myself to properly care for or to think for others. And you probably know that too. You see right through me like a glass of water with your erudite, clinical sense of knowing.

I just find it so fucking confusing, being myself, when "myself" is not necessarily a good thing. I feel the constant need to hide nothing from the world - but that drives me to tell people on the internet more about myself than necessary; not because I don't have an outlet in real life, but for purposes that are manipulative. Manipulative to what purpose? I dare not even confront these questions for fear of discovering something that will make me disgusted with myself even more. But I guess I will have to sometime; before I
really hurt someone <----- THIS THIS THIS is what I mean by containing my evil.

I kind of regret writing this in a way; posts like these REALLY make me too vulnerable on the internet. And, I've showed you and everyone who's gonna read this - I've articulated something nasty, something truly worthy of scorn (?). But I guess if I can't be a good person, the best I can do is (try) be honest about how bad I am.

My fingers are really itching now to delete everything and write something lighter, but that goes against my ethic of behavior: of there being nothing between my heart and my mouth. Even though that means getting myself into a whole lot of unnecessary trouble.

I just have the feeling I've really overdone it this time.

[MilkyLatte]

I want, at all costs, to avoid being the source of negative feelings in others.

Today a friend phoned me, asking if I wanted to hang out and I said no, because I honestly felt like (and feel like) being alone today.

I got (and always get, in similar situations) an intense feeling of guilt when I hung up, along with me thinking to myself that I hurt my friend's feelings and that I'm an asshole for doing so.

The only comfort I have is that I know that I assume too much guilt in such situations and that piece of knowledge comforts me a little, though far from entirely; stabs of guilt keeps coming now and then..

[susurration]

I want, at all costs, to avoid being the source of negative feelings in others.

Today a friend phoned me, asking if I wanted to hang out and I said no, because I honestly felt like (and feel like) being alone today.

I got (and always get, in similar situations) an intense feeling of guilt when I hung up, along with me thinking to myself that I hurt my friend's feelings and that I'm an asshole for doing so.

The only comfort I have is that I know that I assume too much guilt in such situations and that piece of knowledge comforts me a little, though far from entirely; stabs of guilt keeps coming now and then..

I can really relate, Latte.

I get guilt about everything. Everything from, leaving a cup in the bathroom, instead of putting it in the sink and something like you mentioned. It's sad that other people have really tarnished the concept of "it's not you, it's me", because in the situation you mentioned, which I have been in myself, it's never them at fault, it's something to do with me, that is the reason why I would say no (which I hate saying a lot of the time).

Thank you for mentioning the last point, i'll try and remember it myself.

Hey, thanks so much for those questions. It sent me on a whirlwind tangent of thoughts that didn't make sense, and I guess I'll try to string them all together here.

Do I experience empathy? It's hard to say. What is empathy exactly? When I was seventeen, I remember walking out at night to a mamak to get some supper. Along the way I saw a dog with its guts completely spilled out its anus. Its intestines all over the sidewalk. It sat motionless, staring at me. I stared back at him and walked on. I could have phoned animal welfare the next morning. Or even the police. Done something. I did not. But did I feel for it? Yes, I did. I felt horrible. Yet I enjoyed my supper and didn't do anything about it.

I lied to my parents a lot and have wasted a lot of their money. I said, I tell myself all the time I will make up for all the lies I have told. Have I really done anything truly palpable to put right what I've done wrong? No. But do I feel sad when I recall my father's work-wracked body? Yes.

If empathy is defined as the ability to recognize and feel some compassion for the pain of others, then yes - I do have empathy. But if empathy requires you to act on your feelings, to feel to the extent of inspiring action within yourself, then no - I do not have empathy.

What drove me to be good before was, as I said, a sense of doing something in return for something else. I'd offer to help a pretty girl for example to move her belongings from her old apartment to her new one. But I'd wince at having to drag my ass to the porch to help my dad repair his car. I'd do various things like volunteer to work at a children's shelter, or help out the construction laborers renovating my friend's house - but I did all these with a sense of pride so I can pat myself on the shoulder someday and tell myself that I was compassionate; a way of canceling out the fact that I've harmed many people in my life and other crimes (I'm too tired to go into detail about them here). And then I'll sit in my room and pride myself on how I followed the teachings of Jesus or whoever.

I guess you can say, in a way, that I have a conscience but a very limited one. Like I said, I feel bad for in a way, stealing money from my parents - but I feel that the "Badness" I feel is only there because of the negative repercussions that will occur if they found out.

I could spit out more "bad" things I've done here, I could sit here all night confessing as if I have a gun held to my head but I guess you get a basic picture of who I am. In fact, I think you got that ages ago, from all that I've said on Personality Cafe. You and the other friends I've made here probably know me more than those in real life.

On a last note, if you happen to be charitable enough to think that the fact of me being able to be honest with myself is a redeeming quality - think again. Think about the fact that I could have told these things to a counselor, or my close friends. I didn't actually need to lend this reply the emotional weight that it bears. I could have just laid out the facts and answered your questions.

My posts on Personality Cafe have slowed quite a bit because I've come to realize that I virtually have nothing to say to others that doesn't reek of an almost inhuman desire for attention, affection (however possible over the internet) and pity. I can never bring myself to properly care for or to think for others. And you probably know that too. You see right through me like a glass of water with your erudite, clinical sense of knowing.

I just find it so fucking confusing, being myself, when "myself" is not necessarily a good thing. I feel the constant need to hide nothing from the world - but that drives me to tell people on the internet more about myself than necessary; not because I don't have an outlet in real life, but for purposes that are manipulative. Manipulative to what purpose? I dare not even confront these questions for fear of discovering something that will make me disgusted with myself even more. But I guess I will have to sometime; before I
really hurt someone <----- THIS THIS THIS is what I mean by containing my evil.

I kind of regret writing this in a way; posts like these REALLY make me too vulnerable on the internet. And, I've showed you and everyone who's gonna read this - I've articulated something nasty, something truly worthy of scorn (?). But I guess if I can't be a good person, the best I can do is (try) be honest about how bad I am.

My fingers are really itching now to delete everything and write something lighter, but that goes against my ethic of behavior: of there being nothing between my heart and my mouth. Even though that means getting myself into a whole lot of unnecessary trouble.

I just have the feeling I've really overdone it this time.

You know... you don't have to let it become a self fulfilling prophecy. Seeing the "evil" inside you, doesn't have to make you "evil". Is what motivates us what makes us "good"? or is it what we do? you have outlined your motivations for your actions, whether they are good, bad, grey, ambiguous, it's all up to you to decide. Thoughts can change though, if you change them for whatever reason you decide. Would you see that as not being true to yourself?

I don't know.
Maybe have a think about that.

[MilkyLatte]

Thank you for mentioning the last point, i'll try and remember it myself.

You're welcome

It can't be hard in the heat of the moment. But it gets easier with practice, like making it a mantra for such situations. Not like a word-by-word mantra but rather like a wordless, abstract picture - the big picture.

I also found that it's made it increasingly easier for me to listen to myself when it comes to the disappointing-other-people point..

[SenhorFrio]

my standard is to treat people better than the world treats me.
when i fail these standards i just get hit with a wave of regret, and i need some time to recoup basically.