Hey guys. There's just been.. something on my mind today, and I've been brooding over it since last night due to one of my ENFP friends mentioning it.
I know you guys have heard me ramble on and on and on about my ENTP (You guys know how 'Obsessive' goes, right?) And just last night... I was talking on the phone, and then my friend told this direct quote to me.
"Kevin, to me it seems that in order for you to grow, and to become further yourself and be better in your next relationship, you need to forgive yourself." Forgive yourself. Such simple words, such a simple phrase, food for the mind and much easier said than done. How is it done though? How do you forgive yourself?
We INFPs, or we as people in general make mistakes. We can't avoid it, we make mistakes, damage others, damage ourselves. But then, us as INFPs, we take it personally. He pull the guilt onto our shoulders and self-sabotage ourselves beyond belief. Maybe unconsciously, we just destroy ourselves because we don't want others to suffer that pain of self-sabotage. And maybe we become self-obsessed under stress because we want to manage to heal ourselves, to again take on the pain of another loved one, regardless of if we're hated or not.
But, in the end, how much damage can we sustain? We're naturally pessimistic which is bad enough, and as stated we take all the blame. Each and every bit of it, because maybe in our subconscious, we Healers feel that if worse comes to worse, the only way to soothe another person's soul is to become the scapegoat.
Is the reason we need constant reassurance due to the fact that we keep can get to the point where we hate ourselves? Cause we're too afraid of that true self that all the others see beauty in? All of my ex's, my friends, have liked me at least once. Has chosen to give to me. And then I brooded to my friends, about all the times I screwed up. How I've screwed up and messed up in the past, and then I ask for forgiveness from others.
"I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you."
But now I wonder... what if in the end we're just asking forgiveness from other people, because we couldn't accept what we did. What we had put ourselves through. We sit there and we cry over what we could've done, what could've been changed if we had done this or that.
Have you ever listened to yourself? I remember me saying to others, but realizing it now...
"I fucking hate myself! I'm a horrible person! Why does anyone even like me?! There's nothing about me that's good!"
What the hell was I thinking? What was I saying about myself?
I don't know if this is clear enough... as my thoughts are flying around all over the place. But-- how do you forgive yourself, after what you put yourself through?
How do I forgive myself?
I don't know if you guys have had any experiences like this... but I dunno, this has been sitting on my mind for quite some time.