[Tawa]

okay. I have been doing this whole "self-knowledge" thing for months and I've made extreme progress. I used to get stress headaches constantly due to negative self talk (gaww! I can get a headache from just thinking about). Now I see who I am, who I want to be, and everything I do that's not in total agreement with who I want to be. Now that I'm making conscious and prepared choices on how to act and think, but I'm always staggered by being afraid to show my true emotions or self. I believe it has roots in being afraid of any criticism, even if it really means nothing, which I've always just naturally had trouble dealing with.

How do you deal with criticism?

Although I should be unconditionally happy with myself no matter what, I think I will be very pleased with myself if I can become the rare INFP that is very confident and not afraid to show my true self (or maybe very-rare-of-any-type for that matter!)



BTW: do I come off as an INTP?

[Kobato]

Criticism.

Self-criticism, for F-types, is a bad idea. Usually it ends up being illogical and psychologically harmful. F-types have a hard time with functional criticism when it comes to themselves. Usually it ends up involving negative feelings that can't be rationally corrected.

As for others criticism, you need to look past what they say and into what their intent is and what they mean. Ne is is a good tool for that if you use it properly. Here is where a lot of F-Types fail. They ascribe importance based in emotional response. Just cuz momma says you're handsome doesn't mean you are.

[Blackbird]

They ascribe importance based in emotional response.

Yeah, agree with this.

I'm not saying I can remain stoic and unhurt when people I care about criticize me, but it always depends on whether that person was trying to hurt me or not. My opinion is that the F types are always going to hurt a *little* bit when it comes to criticism, but you can learn to separate things.

When I went to art college, I knew I was going to have to thicken up my skin a bit, and I did that by repeatedly reminding myself that my art is not me. You can do this with aspects of yourself too - say someone told you, "You're too sensitive, Tawa. It's hard to be truthful with you." You might feel offended, right? But what I do is press "pause" on my emotions, and first write down what was said. Then I take it piece by piece and analyze it.

"You're too sensitive." Well, too sensitive according to one person. There is no objective scale with which to measure sensitivity on which you've ended up labeled "too sensitive." What this really means is that the person giving the criticism is (probably) less sensitive than you are, and they are having trouble dealing with this quality of yours. Their lack of sensitivity probably causes them problems too, just different ones (hell, it's causing you a problem right now - hurting you.)

"It's hard to be truthful with you." It's hard to be truthful with a lot of people. That doesn't make you any less worthwhile or any less wonderful of a person. Again this could say things about the person dishing out the criticism as well. Did the person mean to hurt you by saying this? Probably not - if you learn to press pause on your emotions for a moment and evaluate that statement objectively, it's not mean-spirited or cruel in any way - it's constructive. Ideally, you could look at this statement and see the truth in it, and not feel like less of a person along the way.

I read the book Ten Days to Self Esteem, and they have a great section on this. It works for criticism from others, and criticism from yourself, and they divide it into two kinds of defenses: "Western" defense, which is disarming the criticism (mostly the technique I described, trying to see the flaws or how it doesn't matter as much as we think it does) and the "Eastern" defense, which is accepting it.

I use a combination of the two, but the Eastern one was especially useful for accepting yourself as you are. Using the Eastern technique, you get a piece of criticism like, "You're too sensitive," and instead of fighting it, you immediately say, "Yes. I am too sensitive." But say so neutrally, without apprehension, realizing that yes, it's probably true, and it is okay. You might find yourself feeling more at peace with yourself.

Anyway, geeze I rambled. Hope some of this helps. ;)

[Tawa]

No you didn't ramble it was excellent advice!
I like the idea of eastern and western defense.. I am a constant practitioner of the eastern style, but I never end up doing the "it's okay, I accept that" part and skip to taking everything seriously. I feel like I sometimes do the western part automatically when I get aroused in a debate, to check what people are saying. Sometimes I don't even know I'm doing it.. I think that's called Ne?

I think this is a common issue for INFPs and that this could be a really good thread. I think INFPs have just as much potential to do amazing (and even more drive and passion) than other types, but because of this they can stop production just for one comment. This is especially applicable to INFPs because they tend to be involved in things that are completely 100% subjective (based on the idea that they use Fi..) like art, music, creative writing etc.

I read about Carl Rogers, the one who created the most popular version of the self actualized person and the hierarchy of needs, asking 50 girls on a date. I think that was him and 50... anyway, he said by the end he was completely confident. I'm going to do something like this soon, related to answering every question in class wrong or something like that Fun social experiment

[merrychippus]

Take small steps to open yourself up and share. Real criticism will open your eyes to how overwrought and negative your self-criticism is. Once you see how silly your negative thoughts are you will be even more willing to open up. This is something I've been working on for the last few years myself, and I know how hard it is at first. . .just do it!