[heather612]

-Deleted by request-

[thehigher]

This may be a long post but I really feel the need to express myself and I don't have anyone else to share this with.

So about 4 years ago I met a friend through playing the MMO World of Warcraft. It was a time in my life that I didn't have many friends so I was trying hard to find one. We both met each other as low level characters and ended up leveling to the max level together. We basically did everything together, though I was trying very hard to keep up. Shortly afterwards he disappeared without saying a word. It brought me to tears and I was sad for awhile but I eventually moved on.

When I was about to quit the game two years later he suddenly returned. I was so excited I immediately stopped everything to level with him again to the next max level. We had many good times together for awhile. We would joke around but he never says much and it never got to a personal level. I also noticed that he had a very cold, apathetic, and almost inconsiderate side to him. Many times he would ignore what I say or just give one word responses. Other times he would do things without me and leave me behind. This hurt me a lot and I was very frustrated with him. After all we had been through and shared how can someone be so disloyal? But I never said anything about it because I was just happy to have a friend to play together with.

After about a year of playing with him again he decided to try a new MMO. He didn't invite me but I didn't want to miss him so I asked if I could tag along again. I had some of the worst experiences playing this game with him. I can't remember many happy moments we had at all. Of course he left me behind and ignored me again, but this time it was very callous. Worst of all he would often make witty, but mockingly rude comments to criticize me. I was very hurt by this. There were many days that we did not speak or see each other. These intervals would happen throughout our experience playing this game. I could not understand why he would act like this. I have not been anything but nice to him for as long as I have known him. Perhaps this cold personality is what lies beneath the surface of an INTP? I eventually could not stand it anymore and decided to quit and go back to WoW.

A month later I was surprised to see him come back to WoW also. He treated me nice for awhile as nothing had happened. Perhaps it was because I never shared how I really felt or maybe he is just incapable of true empathy.

And this finally brings us to where we are today. Recently I was working very hard on something for myself (game related). Then my friend comes in and takes the opportunity from me and screws me over. I have been furious for days without sleep. I have not seen or spoken to him since. I doubt he intentionally wanted to screw me over but it was the result of his cold, callous, inconsiderate personality that was unable to understand what he had just done. I don't even care about what I lost as much as the culmination of all he had done to me in the past has made this the last straw I was willing to take. I am moments away at ending our 4 year friendship over a heated argument. I plan on expressing everything I feel that I had kept hidden all this time. My question is, should I ruin our friendship or keep going until he hurts me again? He's a good person I just don't think our different personalities work well together. I take my values very seriously but he just seems so inconsiderate.

P.S. We are both guys by the way. He plays a female character and acts very bubbly when you first meet him (possibly why I was attracted to him at first). But once you know him personally like I have he is quite callous. I have no doubt he is an introverted thinker though as he is an engineer in real life, is exceptionally bright, and often thinks of some very clever ideas. We also play this MMO a lot like we're addicts. More than what is probably healthy. If I decide to quit I can either end our friendship now with an argument or just disappear without a word. The first method would make me feel better but the problem is I might want to come back later. It also pains me to have to lose another friend. I have lost quite a few in the past due to not meeting my high expectations of them. What should I do?

I doubt he meant to. INTP's may be sort of cold to you....in your opinion.... and it could be them just joking around. My ex girlfriend did this before.... she would seemingly insult me .... and i would get offended.... but then go along with it.... and she ended up laughing and enjoying that I understood her humor.....I didn't at first lol. They are not gonna be all lovey dovey on you at all....especially if you are just friends.. they won't do it in response to your emotions.... because they don't really know what they feel right away.... it takes them time to organize it.... just like it takes time for us to organize our thoughts.... when they do organize it .... they will tell you.... and you will be somewhat surprised. .... you'll get the hang of it..... you shouldn't expect them to be emotionally responsive to you because that will make them uncomfortable.... they will feel as if they are being forced to be something they are not. Basically try to understand that they can't read you as well as you think they can.... they try.... they really do..... and they want to be emotionally responsive.... but it's really hard for them. You will soon find out that you may be doing the same thing to the intp and not know it. I can't explain exaclty how but I can try. The intp get's offended when things are illogical.... when you do things that are illogical... maybe you overlooked something? Maybe you actually offended the intp somehow.... they are actually just as sensitive when it comes to their value system.... or should i say logic system. They won't show it in forms of emotions..... that's why this relationship is so darn tricky. They are like mirrors of us..... but in one way they are COMPLETELY different.... and in another they are EXACTLY the same. We perceive the world in the exact same way but make judgments on it differently.

[maneater]

From what you said it looks like you're taking this friendship WAY more seriously than the INTP is.

[NeedsNewNameNow]

This may be a long post but I really feel the need to express myself and I don't have anyone else to share this with.

So about 4 years ago I met a friend through playing the MMO World of Warcraft. It was a time in my life that I didn't have many friends so I was trying hard to find one. We both met each other as low level characters and ended up leveling to the max level together. We basically did everything together, though I was trying very hard to keep up. Shortly afterwards he disappeared without saying a word. It brought me to tears and I was sad for awhile but I eventually moved on.

Do you have a mutual understanding of what your friendship is? Is it strictly an online-gaming thing? My interests shift from time to time, and I take up new focuses, and I can lose touch with people (b/c I'm focused on other things). However I would never want to shut out a close friend, especially if it is upsetting to them, but it still happens unintentionally sometimes.

When I was about to quit the game two years later he suddenly returned. I was so excited I immediately stopped everything to level with him again to the next max level. We had many good times together for awhile. We would joke around but he never says much and it never got to a personal level. I also noticed that he had a very cold, apathetic, and almost inconsiderate side to him. Many times he would ignore what I say or just give one word responses. Other times he would do things without me and leave me behind. This hurt me a lot and I was very frustrated with him. After all we had been through and shared how can someone be so disloyal? But I never said anything about it because I was just happy to have a friend to play together with.

I bolded the above part b/c I have a close INFP that I have been going through troubles with lately. Basically, she doesn't say anything when I do things that bother her, until it reaches a critical point. I would like more feedback earlier on before it gets to that point.

I had some of the worst experiences playing this game with him. I can't remember many happy moments we had at all. Of course he left me behind and ignored me again, but this time it was very callous. Worst of all he would often make witty, but mockingly rude comments to criticize me. I was very hurt by this.

Did he know you were hurt? Yes, some INTPs are very cold and callous. Others aren't. I do like to joke and tease people about some of their 'quirks' -- IF I think they will take it in stride! I would never want to hurt anyone's feelings. Sometimes I do upset people, and in response I become more sensitive towards them.

I am moments away at ending our 4 year friendship over a heated argument. I plan on expressing everything I feel that I had kept hidden all this time. My question is, should I ruin our friendship or keep going until he hurts me again? He's a good person I just don't think our different personalities work well together. I take my values very seriously but he just seems so inconsiderate.

My INFP friend nearly ended our friendship earlier this week over something I had no idea I was doing to her! And it was completely unintentional on my part. The problem is she is so tough to read since she also keeps things hidden, and she doesn't tell me when things bother her. She puts on a tough exterior, but is more fragile underneath. That has caused me to misjudge what she can handle.. if that makes sense.

If I decide to quit I can either end our friendship now with an argument or just disappear without a word. The first method would make me feel better but the problem is I might want to come back later. It also pains me to have to lose another friend. I have lost quite a few in the past due to not meeting my high expectations of them. What should I do?

Tell him what bothers you, and see if he treats you with more respect. If not, then think about ending the friendship.

[heather612]

I doubt he meant to. INTP's may be sort of cold to you....in your opinion.... and it could be them just joking around. My ex girlfriend did this before.... she would seemingly insult me .... and i would get offended.... but then go along with it.... and she ended up laughing and enjoying that I understood her humor.....I didn't at first lol. They are not gonna be all lovey dovey on you at all....especially if you are just friends.. they won't do it in response to your emotions.... because they don't really know what they feel right away.... it takes them time to organize it.... just like it takes time for us to organize our thoughts.... when they do organize it .... they will tell you.... and you will be somewhat surprised. .... you'll get the hang of it..... you shouldn't expect them to be emotionally responsive to you because that will make them uncomfortable.... they will feel as if they are being forced to be something they are not. Basically try to understand that they can't read you as well as you think they can.... they try.... they really do..... and they want to be emotionally responsive.... but it's really hard for them. You will soon find out that you may be doing the same thing to the intp and not know it. I can't explain exaclty how but I can try. The intp get's offended when things are illogical.... when you do things that are illogical... maybe you overlooked something? Maybe you actually offended the intp somehow.... they are actually just as sensitive when it comes to their value system.... or should i say logic system. They won't show it in forms of emotions..... that's why this relationship is so darn tricky. They are like mirrors of us..... but in one way they are COMPLETELY different.... and in another they are EXACTLY the same. We perceive the world in the exact same way but make judgments on it differently.

Thanks for your helpful insight and not bashing me for the situation I'm in. What you have said makes me feel a little better about my friend. Yes, it is true that what I did to bring out his cold response was often illogical so I am partially responsible. But it is illogical because it fits perfectly well within my value system. And it seems like what fits well with their logic system often goes strictly against our value system and vice versa. We may share the other personality traits but our decision making are polar opposites. So it seems to me that conflict is inevitable unless one of us sacrifices their values for the other. We have been able to stay friends for this long because both of us has done this to some extent but it is beginning to drive me crazy. Not to mention the last thing he did to me was extra cruel of him. Part of me has a strong desire to tell him how I feel for once, possibly sparking a heated argument. But you advise me to just suck it up and try to get along with him. There is also option three where I just disappear without a word. But I doubt it will affect him much seeing how he is so apathetic. Not speaking to me is normal routine for him so I'm thinking the only way for me to finally get through to him is an argument.

[NeedsNewNameNow]

maybe you overlooked something? Maybe you actually offended the intp somehow.... they are actually just as sensitive when it comes to their value system.... or should i say logic system. They won't show it in forms of emotions..... that's why this relationship is so darn tricky. They are like mirrors of us..... but in one way they are COMPLETELY different.... and in another they are EXACTLY the same. We perceive the world in the exact same way but make judgments on it differently.

That is so true! I think that's why there are so many stories here about amazing INFP/INTP bonds, yet bewilderment when the relationships seem to go off the rails and we try to figure out why and how this could happen!

[heather612]

Do you have a mutual understanding of what your friendship is? Is it strictly an online-gaming thing? My interests shift from time to time, and I take up new focuses, and I can lose touch with people (b/c I'm focused on other things). However I would never want to shut out a close friend, especially if it is upsetting to them, but it still happens unintentionally sometimes.


I bolded the above part b/c I have a close INFP that I have been going through troubles with lately. Basically, she doesn't say anything when I do things that bother her, until it reaches a critical point. I would like more feedback earlier on before it gets to that point.

Did he know you were hurt? Yes, some INTPs are very cold and callous. Others aren't. I do like to joke and tease people about some of their 'quirks' -- IF I think they will take it in stride! I would never want to hurt anyone's feelings. Sometimes I do upset people, and in response I become more sensitive towards them.

My INFP friend nearly ended our friendship earlier this week over something I had no idea I was doing to her! And it was completely unintentional on my part. The problem is she is so tough to read since she also keeps things hidden, and she doesn't tell me when things bother her. She puts on a tough exterior, but is more fragile underneath. That has caused me to misjudge what she can handle.. if that makes sense.

Tell him what bothers you, and see if he treats you with more respect. If not, then think about ending the friendship.

Your INFP friend sounds just like me. Yeah it's hard for us to share our feelings since we are introverts, after all. The reason I have not provided feedback earlier is because my friend doesn't say much either. Unless it's about something witty or humorous I don't get more than one word responses. It just seems inappropriate to complain about something until it really starts to bother me. Otherwise, I would be complaining non-stop and that wouldn't be very good for a friendship either.

Regardless of that, what he did to me in the past bothered me but I could live with it. But what he did to me recently was just incredibly selfish of him.

[NeedsNewNameNow]

Your INFP friend sounds just like me. Yeah it's hard for us to share our feelings since we are introverts, after all. The reason I have not done so earlier is because my friend doesn't say much either. Unless it's about something witty or humorous I don't get more than one word responses. It just seems inappropriate to complain about something until it really starts to bother me. Otherwise, I would be complaining non-stop and that wouldn't be very good for a friendship either.

yup, and the couple of times I told her things that were bothering me in our friendship, she got very upset-- took it much worse than expected. So she's afraid to say things to me our of fear of confrontation, and I'm now afraid to say things to her out of fear of upsetting her. Vicious cycle which is ultimately bad for our relationship, and I wish I knew how to break out of it.

Regardless of that, what he did to me in the past bothered me but I could live with it. But what he did to me recently was just incredibly selfish of him.

Best to tell him-- calmly. We're good at accepting constructive criticism, but if you come off as angry, he's likely to respond in kind. Ultimately how he reacts to what you tell him should tell you if he's really a good friend.

[thehigher]

Thanks for your helpful insight and not bashing me for the situation I'm in. What you have said makes me feel a little better about my friend. Yes, it is true that what I did to bring out his cold response was often illogical so I am partially responsible. But it is illogical because it fits perfectly well within my value system. And it seems like what fits well with their logic system often goes strictly against our value system and vice versa. We may share the other personality traits but our decision making are polar opposites. So it seems to me that conflict is inevitable unless one of us sacrifices their values for the other. We have been able to stay friends for this long because both of us has done this to some extent but it is beginning to drive me crazy. Not to mention the last thing he did to me was extra cruel of him. Part of me has a strong desire to tell him how I feel for once, possibly sparking a heated argument. But you advise me to just suck it up and try to get along with him. There is also option three where I just disappear without a word. But I doubt it will affect him much seeing how he is so apathetic. Not speaking to me is normal routine for him so I'm thinking the only way for me to finally get through to him is an argument.

ahhh sorry. I didn't mean to tell you to suck it up. Obviously you can't ignore what you feel.... however you can make sense of the stimuli that is causing you to feel that way. So ....what made you feel bad? What exactly has he been doing that has made you mad..... maybe from taking apart the stimuli that caused the emotional response we can come to a conclusion about how you can interpret it. Also ....I wouldn't assume that things will not effect the intp.... I have to admit I do that as well.... but sooner or later.... I realize I hurt them..... just like they may do the same..... it's kind of a mutual understanding kind of thing. I dunno.... im at band practice.... ill be back to talk more.

[thehigher]

That is so true! I think that's why there are so many stories here about amazing INFP/INTP bonds, yet bewilderment when the relationships seem to go off the rails and we try to figure out why and how this could happen!

yea it's intoxicating. For me it's like..... someone gives me a pizza..... and it's.....nevermind.... i was gonna say it's actually a salad but that makes no sense what so ever.... it's really late.