[dizzygirl]

A month later I was surprised to see him come back to WoW also. He treated me nice for awhile as nothing had happened. Perhaps it was because I never shared how I really felt or maybe he is just incapable of true empathy.
...He's a good person I just don't think our different personalities work well together. I take my values very seriously but he just seems so inconsiderate.

P.S. We are both guys by the way. He plays a female character and acts very bubbly when you first meet him (possibly why I was attracted to him at first). But once you know him personally like I have he is quite callous. I have no doubt he is an introverted thinker though as he is an engineer in real life, is exceptionally bright, and often thinks of some very clever ideas. We also play this MMO a lot like we're addicts. More than what is probably healthy. If I decide to quit I can either end our friendship now with an argument or just disappear without a word. The first method would make me feel better but the problem is I might want to come back later. It also pains me to have to lose another friend. I have lost quite a few in the past due to not meeting my high expectations of them. What should I do?

I am pretty sure that my best friend of 6 years was an INTP. She was undoubtedly the wittiest and most humorous person i had come across. We were joined at hips...btw at that time i believe i was an ESFP. Anyway there were times when she would laugh and make jokes on me....they might have been pretty cold but i never took them seriusly///but later on when we were no longer friends, i realized that of the various reasons present, she was one of the reasons for my low confidence and self esteem. She would make me feel bad without knowing it. However she was a very empathetic friend. I don't think what she did, she did on purpose. However after our fall out she did not try to get back even though i did. And anyway i suggest you break your friendship with this person... but be ready for a helluva argument. They are very capable of making you agree with them in an argument!
all the best!

[heather612]

Hey I just wanted to post an update on what has happened so far in hope of some advice. After my last post I went an entire week without speaking to my friend. We just ignored eachother. Afterwards, he did something nice for me that I did not expect so I slowly started to forgive him. We were on good terms for another week and I never mentioned to him that anything was wrong. I was hoping he figured it out by us not speaking to each other for so long.

But then this week it happened again. The thing he did to me resurfaced again and it was indirectly his fault. For the first time I explained to him how upset I was but he just laughed, teased me a bit as usual. When I accused him of being inconsiderate he tried to sympathize with a few words but it did now seem genuine and he mostly ignored what I was going through afterwards.

Yesterday I finally took the courage to confront him about what he did. I felt very awkward in doing it because it was the first time I had spoke to him like that. I didn't approach him as angry at all but instead I put up a very logical argument about why he was wrong in what he did. To my surprise he didn't put up much of an argument himself. All he said was a few words in his defense, but not enough to win the argument( It is very hard to keep up a long conversation with this INTP). I never got the apology I asked for but he did seem to understand and volunteered to do something to make it right.

And today I was struck with the most awful feeling of guilt. I started realizing how it was really my fault for the situation I was in. I started realizing that what he did to me wasn't really his intention to hurt me. Worst of all I started remembering all of the kind, selfless things he did for me in the past and I couldn't believe how I could forget how many there were. I feel terrible now about how selfish I was in bringing that argument up. It was the reason why I had waited so long to confront him but now I completely regret it. I cried for the first time in many years. I spent all day thinking of ways I could make up for it. I'm not sure if I should wait a while to cool off. I'm too embarrassed to apologize so soon. He may have been inconsiderate at times but now I am worried that I will lose one of the best friends I've had. Was it right for me to speak up or no?

[R2-D2]

And today I was struck with the most awful feeling of guilt. I started realizing how it was really my fault for the situation I was in. I started realizing that what he did to me wasn't really his intention to hurt me. Worst of all I started remembering all of the kind, selfless things he did for me in the past and I couldn't believe how I could forget how many there were. I feel terrible now about how selfish I was in bringing that argument up. It was the reason why I had waited so long to confront him but now I completely regret it. I cried for the first time in many years. I spent all day thinking of ways I could make up for it. I'm not sure if I should wait a while to cool off. I'm too embarrassed to apologize so soon. He may have been inconsiderate at times but now I am worried that I will lose one of the best friends I've had. Was it right for me to speak up or no?

it was right for you to speak up. you have a right to assert your boundaries and you should feel good about having done so! the alternative is to lose respect for yourself (please don't do that). sometimes INTP's really need to be told things straight out (which is why i've started hanging out here so much myself, since my INFP won't open up!). it was a great idea for you to try to approach him from his perspective (i.e., logically)--it sounds to me like you've handled the situation very well.

and i'm sure that for all the kind things he's done for you, you've probably done just as many (if not more) things for him that you don't remember, because that's what friends do. so don't worry about that, and stop being so hard on yourself!

if he is truly a decent person and if this is a real friendship, then he will come around. in the meantime, try to be patient and kind to yourself...

[NeedsNewNameNow]

I'm guessing it's these feelings of guilt that cause you from speaking up in the first place. Ultimately it is good that you speak up. It is one way to earn respect. Hopefully the more you learn to do it, the less plagued by guilt you will be.

If it helps you, you may want to say to him "sorry if I came off too _____ yesterday". But don't make too much of a big deal about it.

It's also good that he did something to fix it. I think we INTPs see apologies as just words that are too easy to say. We show we care by making things right.

To related it back to my experience, When my INFP friend recently started behaving erratically and started avoiding me, I became very very angry and upset at her. I had no idea what the problem was. I had several guesses, which all turned out to be wrong.

When she finally did confront me. She sorta calmly explained her issues, and was unusually upfront about it. I instantly forgave her b/c of that. I didn't fully agree with her assessment of the situation, but I agreed to change the things that were bothering her.

She also has a hard time raising issues until they reach a boiling point. It frustrates me, b/c I want her to be able to tell me anything. I think many INTPs have no issues with constructive criticism, and in fact, welcome it. For me it's feedback.

[R2-D2]

When my INFP friend recently started behaving erratically and started avoiding me, I became very very angry and upset at her. I had no idea what the problem was. I had several guesses, which all turned out to be wrong.

When she finally did confront me. She sorta calmly explained her issues, and was unusually upfront about it. I instantly forgave her b/c of that. I didn't fully agree with her assessment of the situation, but I agreed to change the things that were bothering her.

TOTALLY agree with this. we have no clue what's going on. i'm usually pretty good at reading people, but not INFP's--at least, if the one INFP i know in real life is any indication.

She also has a hard time raising issues until they reach a boiling point. It frustrates me, b/c I want her to be able to tell me anything. I think many INTPs have no issues with constructive criticism, and in fact, welcome it. For me it's feedback.

yes. i welcome constructive criticism. from the INTP recipient's viewpoint (in my case, anyway), it usually feels merely like something somewhere in between a nudge and a push. as opposed to what i'm gathering it's like for INFP's: a nuclear explosion.

[heather612]

if he is truly a decent person and if this is a real friendship, then he will come around. in the meantime, try to be patient and kind to yourself...

No, now I'm afraid that he'll just leave again if I don't apologize soon enough and I will never be able to forgive myself. Sure enough he followed through today with his promise to make things right. He still didn't say a word to me though so I have no idea what's going through his mind. You guys should also realize that I had been telling this story from my perspective without providing many details so it may seem skewed in my favor. What I did really was mean and selfish of me now that I think about it, so the advice you had given me to speak out may not have been the best choice. I just have the urge to beg for forgiveness as soon as I have a chance now. I honestly regret ever bringing up that argument. I wish I had just brushed it off like it didn't affect me. Things were beginning to improve on their own too until I had to step in and screw it all up.

[R2-D2]

recount42, i forgot to mention that i totally agree with something else that unleashthehounds said:

Ultimately it is good that you speak up. It is one way to earn respect.

for INTP's--and btw, the more T he is, the more true this is, i think--it is critical, absolutely critical, that he respect you. ultimately, this is even more important in determining how he will treat you emotionally than how he feels about you. indeed, how he feels about you will be dependent on how much he respects you. this applies whether you're a friend or family member or partner or colleague or whatever... and if you beg for forgiveness--especially if he is at least even partially in the wrong--you will lose his respect. seriously, i wouldn't do it if i were you.

if you really did overreact (and you're not just guilt-tripping yourself, which is quite possible), then like unleashthehounds said:

If it helps you, you may want to say to him "sorry if I came off too _____ yesterday". But don't make too much of a big deal about it.

but if you were totally in the wrong (which you seem to be trying to convince yourself that you are), i can't imagine that he would have followed through like he said he would. INTP's can be pretty stubborn. if he thought you were totally wrong, i doubt he would've done anything.

[Raakakaakao]

Don't hate the player, hate the game.

[NeedsNewNameNow]

No, now I'm afraid that he'll just leave again if I don't apologize soon enough and I will never be able to forgive myself. Sure enough he followed through today with his promise to make things right. He still didn't say a word to me though so I have no idea what's going through his mind. You guys should also realize that I had been telling this story from my perspective without providing many details so it may seem skewed in my favor. What I did really was mean and selfish of me now that I think about it, so the advice you had given me to speak out may not have been the best choice. I just have the urge to beg for forgiveness as soon as I have a chance now. I honestly regret ever bringing up that argument. I wish I had just brushed it off like it didn't affect me. Things were beginning to improve on their own too until I had to step in and screw it all up.

ok but don't forget that you were very upset before you said anything to him, and now you are upset that you did. Either way, you will be upset for different reasons.

I do understand how uncomfortable it is confronting someone about your feelings, since I have the same problem to some extent. However, after being on the other end of this with my INFP friend, I am trying to work on this more.

But I think it's probably true for most INTPs that it's not what you say to us that will upset us, it's how you say it. If it's said respectfully, it won't upset us. If it's mean or rude, then the reaction will be quite difference.

[heather612]

but if you were totally in the wrong (which you seem to be trying to convince yourself that you are), i can't imagine that he would have followed through like he said he would. INTP's can be pretty stubborn. if he thought you were totally wrong, i doubt he would've done anything.

I think I may have overreacted because I had taken our friendship more seriously than he had. If I don't apologize he might think I am a burden to him like I always had been. It may be possible that he was just being nice when he volunteered to fix things (since he does this for others too) because he never admitted he was wrong and I never got an apology from him. That was all I wanted from him (more than his follow through) so I know he valued our friendship. I feel ashamed now because it seems like I have just demanded something from him that he had never asked of me before. I never spoke to him like that in the past and I don't know how our relationship can be the same after. I really want to do something to make it up, and just saying sorry doesn't seem like it would be enough.