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how do i turn off my humanity

[INFP] 
14K views 13 replies 8 participants last post by  Bago 
#1 ·
i know this might sound over dramatic but i just don't wanna have to care anymore. it's too draining not only emotionally but physically as well. just shortly after that thread i made about making out with some guy at a party, my ex came back into my life and he said that this time everything would be perfect. i believed him, and i was actually supposed to move back into my toronto apartment today so i could be closer to him, but this morning everything changed. he told me that we could never be together and that this long distance thing wont work out because there are just too many complications. he says this all the time when stress becomes too much and weeks later he gets in contact with me and we're back at it, but this time he was just hurtful. he went on to say how he has passed up so many girls and that he is going to find someone else. lol i nearly had a heart attack, i just wished that i had never met him because ive never felt that much hurt in my life. it was so unbearable and after going through this so many times i WISH that there was some way to not care anymore. i don't want to cry, i don't want to be upset.
 
#2 ·
What a dick.....my opinion aside hahaha

Not feeling or numbing pain doesn't do you any good miss, that is a big no no as it does not solve the problem. You're running in the wrong direction, you'll get over it faster if you let it out and then move on how ever slowly. You eventually get tired of crying and all that because its been exhausting, but it's better than acting like nothing bad happened and that you're perfectly happy. There's no valid reason to try and lie to yourself. So go talk to some friends or family, even some random on the internet, get it out and vent all your frustrations maybe even into a journal/diary.
But my solid advice for this is, denying you feel is like denying its raining. There's no point in being in denial, its better to go its raining but instead of thinking it's going to rain forever you must remember that the sun soon will be shining.
 
#3 ·
Ever touch a hot oven and get a burn? Sure, it's painful, but the pain let's you know you are being injured and that you need to do something.

If the pain of feeling is that intense, its time to do something about it. Don't be a victim any longer. Find someone that respects you. Listen to the song "Baggage Claim" from Miranda Lambert. Your ex has too much baggage. You can't help him and he's not going to get his act together anytime soon. Let him deal with his own dysfunction. In the meantime, its time to fix up your own life. Make decisions that benefit yourself. That includes where you live, who you hang around with, and who you have any communications with. Empower yourself. Let your pain give you the resolve you need to break this cycle. Claim something better in your life. You deserve so much better, girlfriend. ;)
 
#4 ·
I'm really sorry to read that you are going through this... I guess your tears just shows you how much you do love him still ?

Maybe it is best not to put ALL your eggs into that single basket and make a lot of decisions based on him? If he means it seriously, then he has to earn your trust back, cos what we can get easily is not or ever appreciated any way. This is also a way to or for INFP to control their Fi too. I think I was also the same, to let my Fi always drive my decisions quickly, and asap. I have often or used to land in hot waters which I was blaise about, but at some point, you have to grow to be that bit smarter. Not suppress yourself but to slowly let Fi build up solidly...

Remember one thing though. You are still you, and you can indeed be selfish and you do not have to do everything as he says. You can still want to be with him but you can also set down your own conditions for him to follow too. That is, if he is absolutely genuine too, and really want to try this. Cos he will do it as well... It takes a little time to get back to that same spot where you guys left. Doing it this way won't hurt as much and you will rebuild. Maybe he is unsure right now and is bouncing back and forth and is not used to it as well.... but getting to a steady place where heads are cleared is important I think.
 
#5 ·
thank you all so much for your kind words, you really don't know how much it means to me. jeez, for someone turning 21 this month it still feels like i'm a little child, but as lana del rey once said in her interviews, "I'm a very happy person, but life is hard sometimes and relationships are shit sometimes."

it's only been less than a week but things are looking up for me. Schwarzkopf Professional held a hair model call today and even though it was my first time, i left the building with a model release form and a business card which had a time and date on it for next sunday. i still think about him but i finally have something to distract me and i can feel that it's only a matter of time before he's a sting of the past.
 
#6 ·
Sorry to say this, but I don't think there's a way to stop being human. I often wish I could just turn off my emotions and put myself on auto pilot, but I can't. Perhaps that's why I contemplate suicide, because I want to have control over my life. What society wants from me is to be something totally different than what I imagine for myself. Unfortunately, if you don't fit it and fall in line, it's over for you. Some people like that kind of structure and predictability, but I prefer to find my own way, or have someone I admire show me the way. This has always been the philosopher's dilemma...to be in control of your life. No one's ever really been in control ever. You just follow the herd, until something happens and you die. I guess dying would be the only way to truly turn it off. Finding meaning in your struggle, that would help you get over this desire to turn it off. Every human achievement was accomplished because they found some kind of meaning in their struggle. Media portrays this quite well. Humanity always blowing itself up, but then finding a way to rally.


sorry...stream of consciousness...maybe didn't sense....
 
#9 ·
You cannot turn your humanity off. Who is posses the humanity that you wish to turn off? You or you? That doesn't make sense. :)Also, be careful with equating humanity with naïvity. I do not mean to offend here, I am a very naïve person myself, and I have fallen into the trap many times. This is something that comes with being an idealist, I believe. When you finally have perfection in your sight, you get target fascination, and forget to pull the parachute, and you hit the ground. Your ex sounds like a dick, but you couldn't help yourself. Don't beat yourself up over that, it's fine, but try to learn from it. A mistake is only a mistake until you learn from it. You express that you wish you had never met him. I'll say to that, that if it weren't him it would be somebody else. Your frame of mind was ready for that person, but you have seen what he did to you, and so you wont go for such a person again. You got smarter, and that's precious. Trust me, if you lost your ability to care, you would be miserable. Life would have no depth, it would be like an ocean that's only as deep as a puddle. You can only get your feet wet. Life is about diving in, taking it all in, and that means getting hurt too. After all, if you were never hurt, how would you know when you were alright? Pain implies pleasure, and vice versa. You cannot have one without the other. Seeking pleasure or joy alone is to take on an impossible task. There IS such a thing as too much of a good thing.
 
#11 ·
It took me a very long time to get over my first girlfriend and in some ways I still think I am not 100% there. One thing I would do differently was too not deny any feelings I have. In my case, I am talking about anger and hate. It is okay to be angry at the situation. It is even okay to hate the person. What is worse, is to deny these feelings when they are there. One of the first times I really felt at peace after breaking up was when I told myself something like this "I would be so happy if she was suffering and then died." When I allowed myself to feel that and not try to change it or judge myself for feeling that way, I felt relief. I also felt a tinge of love for myself. After I started to get honest with my real emotions about her rather than the noble emotions I wanted to feel, was when I could finally start to let go of her.

I think it is good to give yourself some time to heal. I don't think rushing into something new (relationship) right away is great. Mind you, I think you can still try to move on when you aren't 100% healed either. But do give yourself some time to heal. And treat yourself lovingly. Doing this modelling thing will be great for you I think. Also do anything that makes you happy. If happiness seems hard to come by, then do things that used to make you happy. It is alright if the happiness doesn't come right away, it will in it's own time. And in this situation, I would suggest cutting all communication with him. Including social media like Facebook. In some ways, I think Facebook makes it harder for us to get over relationships because we can still check up on them or hear about them through others on these sites. Yes, you are a beautiful person and treat yourself as such and love yourself. You have all the answers within. Just have the courage to follow what your intution tells you. Peace and respect to you.
 
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#13 ·
I get where you're coming from. If anything, this thread was made out of anger. Of course I know what I need to do, but at the time I think I just needed someone, or a couple of people to tell me that everything is going to be okay. He was my first love, which is why I think all of this is so hard for me. But I realized that I'm not just going to fall in love with someone and spend the rest of my life with that person, because let's face it that's not how it works. It's all about trial and error and I'm gonna have to go through a lot of shitty people before I find "the one". IF I find the one, that is. I'm not a codependent person, I didn't mean to come off that way and I actually would like to apologize to myself because that is not how I am. But it hurts, it really hurts. I'm turning 21 in a week and I'm still a virgin. Believe me when I say that I don't fuck around. It's just a big slap to the face when I'm the best person I could possibly be.

Whatever though. I know what I'm capable of so it's 100% his loss. It's funny because I said something like that to myself today, in my head of course. "Damn, if this boy died today I wouldn't give a rats ass." And knowing me I probably wouldn't. I cant feel pity for someone like that. Also, I don't know if I mentioned this but I deleted him off Facebook and removed his number out of my phone, so cheers to that. He is out of my life for good and I stand by that wholeheartedly. Here's to the future and being a stronger woman.
 
#12 ·
Something to remember here is that another person's decision are ALWAYS made from a self-interested (selfish) place. This is human nature. Does it hurt and suck and cause you pain? Yes, of course. But some of that should be lessened by acknowledging that this person is selfish, just like you. Unfortunately, their decision has "cut you out" and you feel rejected, abandoned. Learn and grow from this. Embrace the suck, because that is how we learn. Your identity has to be 100% in yourself, not in a relationship, not in a "someday", not in a fantasy. You are enough. A healthy relationship is the icing on the cake of life. It isn't the cake itself.
 
#14 ·
By the way, do not be that cynical realistic person just because something like this happens to you. Yes it hurts and you need to go through the emotions, but still remember that the whole point of a relationship is to be honest, with yourself and with your partner. This is the hardest part I think.... sometimes it is motivating but sometimes it is annoying but overall it is a rollercoaster ride that you end up deciding, wanting to do it.

Honesty. Remember this.... That also means being vulnerable as well, with him to you, and from you to him etc. When we let someone close to us see the inside of ourselves, and then take a hit at our self esteem, this hurts. But, it does not mean that we do not have control or indeed have a fair mind about the situation that happened/happens. There could be a lot of things which he did not tell you and was not fully aware of it himself, and hence went on the rebound asap fairly soon too. Cos I think you also mentioned that you hooked up with someone else. It is the same to him. Sometimes be kind to yourself, and just take a tiny step backwards and see the situation as if it is not hurting, .. but it does not mean that you got to give in and do the first thing that comes to mind. Cos that will hurt yourself so much more.

Be gentle with yourself. :)
It will indeed be okay........ You are way too harsh on yourself, especially when you say you are only 21! I do not think that everybody gets it all right. Just that everybody does not necessarily show their own mistakes or their hurt. That is all...
 
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