[raradolly]

So I can honestly say that every relationship I've ever had, I've never found that my partner had enough passion and love in their hearts for me. I've often felt like I'm the only one who loves and the only one who needs love.



I'm an INFP female, but I've matured socially and am not afraid to voice my opinion or tell others exactly what is going on inside my head. Often this can get me into trouble, but I still do it anyhow on account of my preference for honesty no matter what the cost.

So I met an INFP male. He's younger than me, and a lot less self aware than I am. More like he knows what lurks inside of himself and he's afraid of it and isn't willing to come to terms with it. He also measures his worth in life as directly proportional to success and doesn't realize that loving yourself is about accepting yourself no matter what you have accomplished - or haven't. He also seems very unable to come to a decision about his feelings for me.

Now here's the issue on a more personal scale. I sort of turned around and realized I was madly in love with him. Like I can already tell, "no" is not an option here. I'm going to burn for this one until I keel over, whether he feels it for me or not.

I have talked with him about his views, and he stubbornly clung to what he believes. Just like I would've, back when I was more similar to his age and a little more confused.

I'm not exactly sure what to do. Is there really any way to convince him that he's in love with me?
Is there a way to successfully break contact with him? Is there a way to get over the love feelings so that we can be successful friends? If none of that is an option, then what?

I'd really like to hear everyone's thoughts and comments and questions and relations and whatever else, as it pertains to this. Also honestly, I think it could work out with us very well, if only he could accept himself and get over the past. He actually also feels that way, but seems entirely up in the air about the situation right now, which in general seems like "bad" thing in regards to any future "us" situations.

[infpblog]

Love is a choice. You can choose to love someone. The only way to stop is to unchoose, but why would you want to?

Getting them to love you back is beyond your control, focusing on that is only going to make you unhappy. Also, you can't change him.

You can't change people and it's rude to try.

How would you like it if someone tried to change you? If he stubbornly clings to what he believes then shouldn't he be afforded the freedom to be who he is now and to grow at his own pace. At best, you can hope that he's inspired to change for you. Even that's not a guarantee.

You say "he also measures his worth in life as directly proportional to success" as if that's a negative quality instead of just accepting that there's nothing wrong with trying to become who he sees his Ideal Self to be. What if he sees his Ideal Self as someone who is successful. You've basically just judge this as an unworthy Ideal to become.

Love isn't about wanting someone. It's about wanting someone's happiness.

[IntoTheTwilight]

Seems it is mostly an issue of two people at different places in their lives.

People mature differently, and maturity is about how they process things internally. That can't be changed no matter what external forces you try to put into play.

Love involves acceptance, as you say, and trust. Have you given him the framework where as an INFP he can do both? In my experience it takes months and years to get to the stage where he will feel he can be open enough with you to know and share how he really feels about things.

Your need for someone to love you as you want to be loved is personal to you - he has his own version of the same need. Think about how much you know about what he needs and wants from love at the stage he is in now, and whether you are projecting your own needs onto his without fully recognizing it. If so, time to reassess the situation honestly.

[falling up]

i've been/am in a infp+infp situation...like you say, the chemistry and potential is amazing and you can allllllllmost pick it out of the sky, but i've found that because infp's are so dynamic and such deeply intense individuals it's not easy to find both people with congruent ideals at the same time. Two infp's might essentially 'love' each other and know it deep down inside but wont always put that love into 'conventional' practice or let it manifest itself outside their minds, all for other very infpish reasons.

I don't know how practical it is to convince an infp of anything that they might deny they feel let alone something as profound as love, but maybe you just have to wait for him to relax and let him come to terms with who you really are to him, at which point he will either realise he can't live without you or otherwise.

In another thread with everyones favorite quotes i posted:
"The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost.”
How would he react to the possibility that he could lose you?

I have never found a way to easily get over strong mutual feelings, let's hope you don't have to!

[raradolly]

How would you like it if someone tried to change you?
You say "he also measures his worth in life as directly proportional to success" as if that's a negative quality instead of just accepting that there's nothing wrong with trying to become who he sees his Ideal Self to be. What if he sees his Ideal Self as someone who is successful. You've basically just judge this as an unworthy Ideal to become.

Love isn't about wanting someone. It's about wanting someone's happiness.

I have a lot to say about this, and I'm not sure exactly how to say it.

If someone had something to say about my goals and my view points about the world and others, I would listen intently, and I would try to find truth in their statements based on my own experiences and observations about life. If I found truth in what they had said, I would re-evaluate the way I thought about life, or even myself, if that was necessary. I have done this many times. I consider the people who spoke to me in this way to be the people in my life that cared about me more than anyone else.

His view of success as it is right now is also destroying him from the inside out. It is causing him to be stagnant and it is causing him much suffering. That's because his heart doesn't want success, his mind wants it because he grew up in a poor family.

And sometimes, someone's "ideal self" is something they were never meant to achieve. Creating an ideal like this for yourself to live up to is great, if that ideal is healthy and creates positive emotions in yourself, but if it is making you suicidal and hurtful to your friends and family, it is not an ideal I feel one should pursue.

In this case, I do want his happiness. If his idea of success and pursuing his ideal self is also causing him to want to jump off of a cliff, I want to help him get over these ideas, so he can find something that makes him feel happy and good about who he is and who he will become in the future.

[Sylphine]

"Is there really any way to convince him that he's in love with me? "
-- No, sadly. There is no possible way to convince someone else that they love you. They really have to come to that conclusion on their own.

"Is there a way to successfully break contact with him?"
-- While you may not be able to convince him that he loves you (avoid trying). There is no harm in you loving him. Maybe, in loving him, he will realize that he loves you too. So, yes.

"Is there a way to get over the love feelings so that we can be successful friends?"
-- If neither of you allow yourselves to become angry, resentful, or jealous, and both of you are supportive of each other and still see the best in each other, yes, it is very possible. Keep in mind, it is not really a question of "getting over feelings of love." It is about maintaining those same feelings of love and turning them into something different and just as constructive ( maybe even more so).

"If none of that is an option, then what?"
-- Well, this may sound trite, but what can I say? It is true. "There are plenty of fish in the sea!" You will find someone else that makes you, "burn until you keel over."

PS. I hope everything works out happily for you both!

[cardinalfire]

Love is a choice. You can choose to love someone. The only way to stop is to unchoose, but why would you want to?

Getting them to love you back is beyond your control, focusing on that is only going to make you unhappy. Also, you can't change him.

You can't change people and it's rude to try.

How would you like it if someone tried to change you? If he stubbornly clings to what he believes then shouldn't he be afforded the freedom to be who he is now and to grow at his own pace. At best, you can hope that he's inspired to change for you. Even that's not a guarantee.

You say "he also measures his worth in life as directly proportional to success" as if that's a negative quality instead of just accepting that there's nothing wrong with trying to become who he sees his Ideal Self to be. What if he sees his Ideal Self as someone who is successful. You've basically just judge this as an unworthy Ideal to become.

Love isn't about wanting someone. It's about wanting someone's happiness.

All good stuff here...

[raradolly]

Your need for someone to love you as you want to be loved is personal to you - he has his own version of the same need. Think about how much you know about what he needs and wants from love at the stage he is in now, and whether you are projecting your own needs onto his without fully recognizing it. If so, time to reassess the situation honestly.

One of the biggest problems with him currently is that he's torn between the past and future, friends and family, love and sex. I'm quite sure he desires what I desire in a relationship, and from love. But he also fears his desire because of the intensity of it, and he's told me this. It was at this point in our relationship that there was a turn and he withdrew slightly. Since then I have respected his "just friends until I decide what I'm doing with my life and myself and my views" wishes, however several times has he himself gone against this decision and violated that friend space with me. Several times he's flirted and been sexual with me, only to then withdraw when I point out what he's doing and then he becomes extremely self loathing and disconnected.

I silently curse myself for not just "letting it happen" but I want an emotional commitment before we do anything that would create a lot of really painful memories for both of us. But it seems to be a repeating pattern of friendship, violation, no contact (or being really distant), friendship, etc.

[raradolly]

i've been/am in a infp+infp situation...like you say, the chemistry and potential is amazing and you can allllllllmost pick it out of the sky, but i've found that because infp's are so dynamic and such deeply intense individuals it's not easy to find both people with congruent ideals at the same time. Two infp's might essentially 'love' each other and know it deep down inside but wont always put that love into 'conventional' practice or let it manifest itself outside their minds, all for other very infpish reasons.

I don't know how practical it is to convince an infp of anything that they might deny they feel let alone something as profound as love, but maybe you just have to wait for him to relax and let him come to terms with who you really are to him, at which point he will either realise he can't live without you or otherwise.

In another thread with everyones favorite quotes i posted:
"The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost.”
How would he react to the possibility that he could lose you?

I have never found a way to easily get over strong mutual feelings, let's hope you don't have to!

I think this is good advice. To wait for him to relax and let him come to terms with who I am to him.
It is the best thus far, according to my own knowledge of the situation.

How would he react to the possibility of losing me? Very very badly. I believe it was this initially that caused him to become extremely scared of the intensity of his feelings for me, and slightly withdraw from the relationship in general. He told me he was scared of his desire for me.

He has requested friendship from me, which I mentioned in another reply, but repeatedly violated his own request with flirting and sexual advances. At which point I point out what he's doing and he immediately becomes depressed and self loathing and it's just a mess. Then he withdraws a little, then wants to be friends again, and the cycle just repeats itself.

I think this post is more about me coming to terms with the fact that I'm going to have to wait, possibly a long time, to know whether or not this is going to work out. It wouldn't be the first time I've done it, but it's not something I wanted to do. Hence my seeking other opinions on perhaps any other possible thought that might make me realize something that would change my feelings or change my ability weather the waiting or not. Someone else mentioned making the love more constructive. I think I'm going to actively try to channel that type of thing, and just be who I would be if he were my best friend and not a potential lover. It's just that he's so very important to me and such a big deal to me that it's difficult.

[raradolly]

"Is there a way to successfully break contact with him?"
-- While you may not be able to convince him that he loves you (avoid trying). There is no harm in you loving him. Maybe, in loving him, he will realize that he loves you too. So, yes.

"Is there a way to get over the love feelings so that we can be successful friends?"
-- If neither of you allow yourselves to become angry, resentful, or jealous, and both of you are supportive of each other and still see the best in each other, yes, it is very possible. Keep in mind, it is not really a question of "getting over feelings of love." It is about maintaining those same feelings of love and turning them into something different and just as constructive ( maybe even more so).

"If none of that is an option, then what?"
-- Well, this may sound trite, but what can I say? It is true. "There are plenty of fish in the sea!" You will find someone else that makes you, "burn until you keel over."

PS. I hope everything works out happily for you both!

I have thought that anyway, regardless, he needs someone to love him.
Because no one ever has. I sort of feel the same way myself. We have a very similar life and childhood.

And he does love me, it's more that he's afraid of the intensity of his feelings that is a key problem. It is also a situation right now for him that his heart has been longing for love all his life but his mind decided that he was going to focus on success. Before we even met, this goal he had for success began to tear him apart inside, began to make him hate himself. It's just that he's valued this goal for so long that destroying it makes him feel like he's destroying an old friend.

We are supportive of each other, but like I said in other replies, he tends to violate the friendship with flirting and sexual talk and advances, then feels like a jerk once I point it out, then he withdraws and becomes distant, then we're friends, and it's just a killer cycle. I've been trying to be constructive thus far and be friends anyway and not allow anything to happen, and I've been successful.
It's just that recently I freaked out because of the emotional overload of feeling so intensely for him, and being teased like this over and over and then having it taken away. I realized this is taking a toll on me, which is why I posted here. Just to see if I had any other options. Just to maybe affirm my decisions some so that I have less of a chance to freak out and destroy everything.