[NeedsNewNameNow]

I'm INTP, and last year I met a girl who I had an immediate and amazing bond with. She took an MBTI test, and was INTJ according to the results. I believed this for awhile and in some ways INTJ seemed to fit (yet in other ways it didn't).

In particular, I seemed to 'step in it' more often than I'd like. She'd perceive criticism and blame where none were intended and try to avoid conflict (I didn't think INTJs tended to be so afraid of conflict). If she didn't avoid the conflict, she'd get very angry and combative. A few weeks back we had a huge fight where I got to see just how sensitive to criticism/blame she was.

Anyway, today I was reading the INFP profile, and was struck that much of it seemed to fit her better than the INTJ one did! So now I'm wondering if that's her true type. Alot of ways it fits, but some ways it still doesn't. She seems more like a logical thinker, than an emotional feeler. But on the other hand she has told me that she has very strong emotions that she keeps to herself and doesn't let anyone see.

Anyway we had a bit of a relationship for a bit that kinda crashed and burned, but I've been trying to maintain a friendship with her since we connect so well. We still talk, but she's closed herself off to me somewhat because of things that happened between us (all of those were results of miscommunications between us).

I guess what I'd like to know is how to get her to fully trust me again, and what I can do to keep from starting fights that were unintentional.

so if any of you INFPs can give pointers on how you'd expect to be treated by a close friend and how they can win your trust, and tips on how to avoid triggering her criticism sensitivities, I'd appreciate it.

[humblefolks]

It's possible that she's one of those thinkers who are emotional but are afraid of their emotions and will do everything to avoid emotional overwhelm (they're usually Enneagram Type 5 with a strong 4 wing). That could explain why she's trying to shut you out. I don't really know what to suggest, cause I don't really know your history and specific details of your relationship with her. Maybe write her a letter? I dunno.

[NeedsNewNameNow]

It's possible that she's one of those thinkers who are emotional but are afraid of their emotions and will do everything to avoid emotional overwhelm (they're usually Enneagram Type 5 with a strong 4 wing). That could explain why she's trying to shut you out. I don't really know what to suggest, cause I don't really know your history and specific details of your relationship with her. Maybe write her a letter? I dunno.

That is possible too, but her sensitivity to criticism and desire to please both are things that specifically show up in the INFP profile and aren't really INTJ traits as far as I was aware.. I'll look into the type 5 thing to see if that makes sense.

I don't think writing her a letter would work-- that kind of thing seems to trigger conflict even if it's well-intentioned and sugar-coated.

[fiasco]

That is possible too, but her sensitivity to criticism and desire to please both are things that specifically show up in the INFP profile and aren't really INTJ traits as far as I was aware.. I'll look into the type 5 thing to see if that makes sense.

I don't think writing her a letter would work-- that kind of thing seems to trigger conflict even if it's well-intentioned and sugar-coated.

Sensitivity to criticism and desire to please sound more like Fe than Fi, I think. Maybe IxFJ? The INFJ's dominant Ni and tertiary Ti, as well as their desire for efficiency can make them look like INTxs. I think ISFJs tend to restrain their emotions and often hold bad feelings in until it can lead to an unexpected outburst, too. Sometimes it's easy to forget how sensitive they are. She kind of sounds like an enneatype 9 or a phobic 6.

[humblefolks]

I'd say, if you want her back, say you're sorry. Say it was all your fault (even if it's not true). Trying to explain that it was "miscommunication" will only give her more reasons to see it as criticism, because that implies that she isn't perceptive enough, etc. I don't really know why she's so touchy, seems kinda odd. Maybe there is no "miscommunication", maybe you do criticize too much without even noticing it? Maybe you're just insensitive? (I'm not saying you are, really. Just trying to look at both sides of the problem here). It's hard for me to figure out why she's acting the way she does because I don't know any specifics, what exactly you said to her, etc. You kinda give a very vague general description of the problem that doesn't really give me any point of reference.

[NeedsNewNameNow]

I'd say, if you want her back, say you're sorry. Say it was all your fault (even if it's not true). Trying to explain that it was "miscommunication" will only give her more reasons to see it as criticism, because that implies that she isn't perceptive enough, etc. I don't really know why she's so touchy, seems kinda odd. Maybe there is no "miscommunication", maybe you do criticize too much without even noticing it? Maybe you're just insensitive?

I'm certainly not perfect, and I may be insensitive at times. But we talk alot on IM and I often edit my comments alot so they don't sound the least bit critical. However I do blame miscommunication alot because to me it sounds neutral. I can try taking the blame for things, and I sometimes have.

(I'm not saying you are, really. Just trying to look at both sides of the problem here). It's hard for me to figure out why she's acting the way she does because I don't know any specifics, what exactly you said to her, etc. You kinda give a very vague general description of the problem that doesn't really give me any point of reference.

ok, well the last fight we had (the big one). It started b/c one night she seemed to get very annoyed with me while we were chatting on IM. The tone of what she wrote was very different from normal. Ok, I could have been misreading, but then she said she needed to go and signed off without saying bye or goodnight-- very unusual for her. This upset me. The next day I tried to talk about it and asked if something was wrong. This made her angry. Apparently she really doesn't like me reading into her actions at all.. even though she had done the exact same thing to me before. Also me asking if there's a problem with the relationship seems to make her feel like she is to blame for any problems, and that can lead to a fight, while I'm just looking for a discussion so things could be improved (this is the reason our romantic relationship crashed and burned IMO-- how can you be in a relationship that you can't talk about?)

I am flexible in how I deal with people, so if I'm doing something wrong, I would work to change it-- as long as my needs are being met in return.

[humblefolks]

I'm certainly not perfect, and I may be insensitive at times. But we talk alot on IM and I often edit my comments alot so they don't sound the least bit critical. However I do blame miscommunication alot because to me it sounds neutral. I can try taking the blame for things, and I sometimes have.



ok, well the last fight we had (the big one). It started b/c one night she seemed to get very annoyed with me while we were chatting on IM. The tone of what she wrote was very different from normal. Ok, I could have been misreading, but then she said she needed to go and signed off without saying bye or goodnight-- very unusual for her. This upset me. The next day I tried to talk about it and asked if something was wrong. This made her angry. Apparently she really doesn't like me reading into her actions at all.. even though she had done the exact same thing to me before. Also me asking if there's a problem with the relationship seems to make her feel like she is to blame for any problems, and that can lead to a fight, while I'm just looking for a discussion so things could be improved (this is the reason our romantic relationship crashed and burned IMO-- how can you be in a relationship that you can't talk about?)

I am flexible in how I deal with people, so if I'm doing something wrong, I would work to change it-- as long as my needs are being met in return.

Wow, sounds like the girl is in need of a good therapist. That sort of thing is just not normal, no matter what type you are.

[simplisticjoy]

I used to type INTJ - until I had some good therapy. ^_^ I now type as INFP Enneagram 5 wing 4. hahaha.

I'm sensitive to criticism - if there is not a good basis of trust with the person. I give trust...based on how someone seems interested in me. If someone wants to fix me, they're a goner. If someone wants to know about me just to be able to talk about me - not a chance. If someone is genuinely interested in me, I can usually sense it. I like people who are curious, but don't ask personal questions too often - unless they are in my inner circle. It takes about two years of consistent, regular attempts at friendship to get into my inner circle. Except for one guy I dated...and then regretted it. I guess if someone can stick with my eccentricity for long enough, they just might see the side of me that doesn't really care what you do, as long as we can talk about it.

It sounds like you're already at that point, but I'm the type that would withdraw for a while if I had had a fight with someone and felt criticized - somehow it feels...well, if they're not in my inner circle, it feels like there could possibly be some kind of unspoken, perhaps even unintended threat behind the criticism. Thus, withdrawal. Not because I don't like the person, just because I'm uncertain about them. It takes some time away to realize how I feel, assess and analyze how I feel, and then decide how I want to deal with it - sometimes it takes me up to 6 - 9 months (sorry if that might be depressing).

BUT - the relationships I have that have gone through those phases are lifelong. They're not people I will ever give up on, because I know that they won't give up on me.

My suggestions. In conversation, use wit to make her laugh. Laughter is good. Don't be afraid to pursue conversation/hang out time, even if she's a bit stand-offish, until she says she doesn't want to hang out with you. Then go away. If she never says it, do what you feel comfortable doing. The more relaxed you are, the more she will be able to see you, appreciate you and begin to reassess any negative ideas she might have of you.

Just so you know - somewhere inside, she knows how awesome you are or she wouldn't have tried romance with you. Just give it time to resurface. And relax.

[NeedsNewNameNow]

It sounds like you're already at that point, but I'm the type that would withdraw for a while if I had had a fight with someone and felt criticized - somehow it feels...well, if they're not in my inner circle, it feels like there could possibly be some kind of unspoken, perhaps even unintended threat behind the criticism. Thus, withdrawal. Not because I don't like the person, just because I'm uncertain about them. It takes some time away to realize how I feel, assess and analyze how I feel, and then decide how I want to deal with it - sometimes it takes me up to 6 - 9 months (sorry if that might be depressing).

BUT - the relationships I have that have gone through those phases are lifelong. They're not people I will ever give up on, because I know that they won't give up on me.

Thanks! That does sound like her, though not sure about the 6-9 month part, I've only known her for about that long! She seems to work through things quicker as far as I can tell.

As an INTP, it doesn't seem like many people understand me, and it's tough for me to open up to many people. She's someone who seems to understand me well, and it is very easy for me to open up to her. That makes her awesome in my book, and for that reason I want to keep her as a really close friend. But I guess I don't fully understand her as well as I used to think, and I just want to learn how to avoid causing unnecessary conflict.

My suggestions. In conversation, use wit to make her laugh. Laughter is good. Don't be afraid to pursue conversation/hang out time, even if she's a bit stand-offish, until she says she doesn't want to hang out with you. Then go away. If she never says it, do what you feel comfortable doing. The more relaxed you are, the more she will be able to see you, appreciate you and begin to reassess any negative ideas she might have of you.

I do try to make her laugh when I can. And I also do take stand-offishness as a sign that she really doesn't want to talk to me, and that causes me to withdraw a bit. I also worry that me being around too much will cause her to tire of me. But she has said something similar to what you did. That I shouldn't assume there's a problem unless she tells me there is. That sounds simple enough, but it's not always so simple in practice.

thanks

[NeedsNewNameNow]

Just so you know - somewhere inside, she knows how awesome you are or she wouldn't have tried romance with you. Just give it time to resurface. And relax.

oh and if she tried romance with me once, do you think it's likely she'd be open to it again? We never officially ended things, but we don't behave romantically anymore. I don't really know what her feelings are towards me, sometimes they seemed strong other times they seemed non-existent. Maybe she was just keeping them inside for some reason, I don't know?

But the cycle we'd have was that we'd go for awhile, and I'd stop seeing expressions of feeling from her, then I'd start feeling like she's lost interest and in turn I'd withdraw and then do things that would end up hurting her. The relationship would have been great if we could avoid that cycle. I guess that's why I'm trying to understand her better. B/c if I really understood why she behaved that way then I could deal with it easier.