[questforself]

This is my first new thread post on here. I was browsing through the INFP forum and it's awesome reading about experiences and thought processes of similar minded people. We INFPs have very rich inner lives it seems, it's like there's another separate dimensions or galaxies apart from real time and space. But something I personally struggle with is the fact that I feel like I am very rich in personality and an interesting person to be around, but when it comes to real life social situations, I don't seem to have anything to contribute at the immediate moment. You would think that if I were able to have these complex and interesting, sometimes hilarious thoughts in my mind, that that spontaneity would overflow and materialize in external social situations.

I have a theory that the reason I don't do great in social situations because I spent my formative years being very quiet, missing out on social experiences that would have developed my social skills, and by the time I was in my teen years and wanting to express myself and show the world who I am, I didn't have the social skills to express what I wanted to express. So while I'm now making an active effort to be more sociable, my social skills don't seem to be developing at all. I was wondering if other INFPs experience this or if I'm an exception to the rule, I don't know, maybe most INFPs are decent verbal communicators? What has been your experience with regard to this?

[MBK316]

For me it really depends on who I'm around. Given the right company I can be the life of the party and always have something interesting to say. If it's not the right company I will retreat into myself... and yes I will be very boring and dull. I guess my advice would be to choose the people where you feel more outgoing and work on your social skills from there.

[gatsby]

I'm beginning to wonder if anyone ever feels social. I also had very little experience in the social world as a child, and as a teenager things have been especially awkward for me and I've always blamed it on that. But now that I'm kind of putting myself out there I'm really wondering what makes a person social anyway. Is it how many friends they have? I don't think so. I think it's if they have the ability to form meaningful friendships (something that I've definitely always struggled with admittedly).

But as for expressing myself verbally, I can't do that at all. My sentences hardly ever make any sort of sense and usually just trail off about halfway through...people who matter don't seem to mind though. Also, people won't care as much if you just roll with it, as well, I think. If you freak out when you feel exposed then they'll be sure to pick up on it, and what they do with that realization depends on what kind of person they are.

Hope that helps? You're definitely not the only INFP with issues of communication, though, I can personally assure you of that

[RetroVortex]

My problem is the approach and instigation normally.
Normally I am a good conversationalist once I get the ball rolling.
(Shame not many people understand what I talk about (Video Games mostly), but they appreciate the energy and enthusiasm I have for it, maybe not enough to be friends, but well enough to be a good aquaintance)

Around my best friend though, I come out with some comedy gold! XD
(Our conversations are normally humour orientated. Just two guys poking fun out of the sillyness of life shamelessly, whilst sharing and critique our knowledge of video games. Aaaaah... bliss... :) )

I remember this one time we were in a chinese food store, and I got really comfortable and let one of my crazy thoughts out and it was hilarious.
I basically said something like "this all looks like pet food", and everyone in the immediate area (total strangers as well as my best friend), lol'd.

Also "I have hands" is a hilarious injoke between me and my best friend.
(I'll explain. Once in a co-op we were waiting in line, and my best friend was buying some stuff and he couldn't carry it all so he asked me to carry a bag. I look at my hands and say very deadpan "I have hands". Man. It was hilarious at the time, and I always randomly throw it into a conversation once in a while)

[ColorsOfTheMoon]

High five, buddy. That's a really good issue you brought up. I was quiet as a kid too. A bit of a sore-ass pessimist too :P I used to blame people and then I realized that maybe I should be a little more positive or present myself as more positive. Even smiling helps connecting and you don't even have to talk! Problem is, sometimes I talk and a lot of people can't even fathom what it's about. They're shallow. (I'm being mean. Give me a nicer word for shallow if you have one)
I had the same situation regarding the formative years as yours and I'm still working on my social skills. I think what's helped me most is that I no longer look for approval from people. I'm starting to feel a little more confident about myself now
Also, congrats on the first thread and welcome aboard!

[Malikarcanum]

For me it really depends on who I'm around. Given the right company I can be the life of the party and always have something interesting to say. If it's not the right company I will retreat into myself... and yes I will be very boring and dull. I guess my advice would be to choose the people where you feel more outgoing and work on your social skills from there.

This exactly. Given the right people I become an outgoing, practical joking clown, but in the wrong situation I turtle up.

[Malikarcanum]

My problem is the approach and instigation normally.
Normally I am a good conversationalist once I get the ball rolling.
(Shame not many people understand what I talk about (Video Games mostly), but they appreciate the energy and enthusiasm I have for it, maybe not enough to be friends, but well enough to be a good aquaintance)

God I hate when that happens! You finally get onto a subject you're passionate about, that' you'll open up & discuss with great fervor & detail & they just look at you like a deer caught in the headlights.

But as for expressing myself verbally, I can't do that at all. My sentences hardly ever make any sort of sense and usually just trail off about halfway through...people who matter don't seem to mind though. Also, people won't care as much if you just roll with it, as well, I think. If you freak out when you feel exposed then they'll be sure to pick up on it, and what they do with that realization depends on what kind of person they are.

Hope that helps? You're definitely not the only INFP with issues of communication, though, I can personally assure you of that

That's an issue I used to have, but after years of over self-reflection I got to the point where I truly knew myself, which made it far, far easier to put my thoughts & feelings into words than before.

I always think I sound clinical, though. Like I'm discussing emotions without emotion, but that's probably just because of the great deal of over-detail that I go into to describe how I feel, that it seems cold, if you get my meaning.

[Ardent Lunacy]

I spend the vast majority of my time trying to figure myself out. Looking inside my head is like a Rorschach test. "What the Hell is that?" Because of this, I've stunted my abilities at interpersonal communication. Unless you want to talk about something I have encyclepedic knowledge on... I just there, listening, trying not to say anything stupid. Which I usually fail at.

[Redpoint]

I think there are many types of people who consciously invent a social face and think everyone does. They are good at this. Many people think interacting is playing a game. I have a good friend, who, while genuine with me, feels like she has to decide who she is going to be before she goes out sometimes (in her case, out of insecurity, I believe). I don't want to play that game. I feel like I can only be me, and that sounds typical of INFPs. Me, I can't lie, well, except for tiny white lies to be nice. So if I don't have something to add to the conversation I'm not going to be the best companion. I try though. I always try to be friendly and polite. I value that.

[Hycocritical truth teller]

I'm nto boring on the outside. But i have a rich imagination inside. I never speak about it. It's for my own pleasure. And its disconnected from outside world so i can't speak about it, it would be just out of place and weird.
But i don't feel my world like trapped inside. It's where it should be.