[Wayfarer]

Rather than ask about social anxiety, depression, loneliness, or similar issues I see mentioned all too often on the INFP subforums, I'd like to discuss what I imagine to be one of the core causes of the above issues.



Specifically, I'd like to hear your personal experience and advice regarding how to learn to love and accept yourself.

Whether you're just starting out on your path to self-acceptance, or you already treat yourself with the love and kindness we each deserve to treat ourselves with (without being arrogant, self-centred, or narcissistic mind you), I would love to hear:

• What steps you were/are taking to cultivate a healthy love and acceptance of yourself
• How the above steps have been working for you
• How you felt/feel as a result of the above actions you've been taking
• Plus whatever else you have to offer related to the topic!

Personally, I would love to hear @IcarusDreams take on this, since he seems like a shining example of what to strive for in terms of having a healthy love and respect for oneself.

In my case, I've realized that insufficient self-love and self-acceptance are most likely the main causes of my social anxiety and depression. Thus, I'd prefer to work on this root cause, rather than simply address the symptoms.

Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to go about fixing this issue.

That's where I'm hoping you come in.

Here's to (potential) inner love and peace!

[baba yaga]

so i have worked on this for years, and a few things seem to have helped.
a big one is to stop negative self talk, like "I can't believe I just did that, I'm such an idiot, no wonder no one likes me" etc.
when you catch yourself at it, stop immediately, and say some little phrase to yourself, like "cancel that," or something similar.
then rephrase your thought more positively. you want to replace not just the words you use in your self-talk, but the feelings, too--the way you treat/respond to yourself.
so you can say something to yourself like "I hate when I feel awkward and do things like that, but whatever, it happens." I personally don't go all stuart smalley, like "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and darn it, people like me!" but hey, if it works for you, go for it lol.
also, think about the people around you and the kindness you extend to them. be, at the very least, that kind to yourself. you probably don't judge people as harshly as you judge yourself. think on this a bit, and this awareness can also help you monitor and change your negative self-talk or unkindness toward yourself.
so that's one step towards changing your attitude, and behavior, toward yourself to be more kind and accepting, esp if you are consistent with these things. do not accept negative thoughts about yourself! hope this helps.
oh, and here's a kind of weird one. a few years back, when I was really looking at this issue, I realized that though I understood the concept of loving myself, and was thinking more positively about myself, I couldn't quite feel the love. So I made a doll that sort of looked like me, and I would hug it sometimes, as if it were me, and kind of reach around for that feeling.
(this is a little embarrassing! I'm not a very sappy person). but you know, it worked in that it helped me to conjure a feeling of love about myself, that was like a seed that I planted. and I do treat myself better, and I'm even able to feel love for myself at times, which is still a surprise.

[infpblog]

You cultivate self-love the same way you cultivate love -- by creating a meaningful relationship where the parties involved grow towards their ideals.

When you meet someone, you don't say to yourself, gee, I wonder what I can do to get this person to love me. That's not how relationships work. Same goes with your relationship with yourself. You don't automatically jump to how do I love myself. You start with do I even like this person?

Are you going to fall in love with someone you don't like? What if that person calls you names and degrades you and calls you inadequate? Would you even hang out with that person let alone like them? So if you do that to yourself, if you tell yourself that you're not good enough, why would consider loving that person?

You learn to love yourself the same way you learn to love another person and it's different from person to person depending on their values.

My approach with people works for me which is I don't expect me to like me or love me or ever talk to me again. My only goal when I talk to a person even if I've known them for years is how do we both enjoy this moment right now. How do I provide value? Providing value to others is one primary focuses. This is how I have a relationship with myself.

How do I live and enjoy right now? How do I provide the most value to myself right now?

What do other people do that makes you like them? Start doing that for yourself. Eventually, if you get to know someone well enough, you love them.

So what do people do that turn you off? What if someone tells you that he's kind with animals and later you see him kick a cat? For me, that type of disconnect from what he says and what he does is kind of a turn off. So do you do that to yourself? Do you tell yourself that your destined for something important and then find yourself playing video games all day? If you don't like that in other people, you're probably not going to like that in yourself.

I create the same relationship with myself as I create with other people. I don't expect other people to do anything than be true to their values, therefore I'm true to mine. One of the very few things that bug me is entitlement mentality. I'm not entitled to other people calling me back, talking to me ever again or doing anything for me. I appreciate them for who they are as they are. Same applies for myself. I don't feel entitled to the things in my life or the stuff I want to accomplish in the future. I appreciate what I have in my life right now.

[IcarusDreams]

Rather than ask about social anxiety, depression, loneliness, or similar issues I see mentioned all too often on the INFP subforums, I'd like to discuss what I imagine to be one of the core causes of the above issues.

Specifically, I'd like to hear your personal experience and advice regarding how to learn to love and accept yourself.

Whether you're just starting out on your path to self-acceptance, or you already treat yourself with the love and kindness we each deserve to treat ourselves with (without being arrogant, self-centred, or narcissistic mind you), I would love to hear:

• What steps you were/are taking to cultivate a healthy love and acceptance of yourself
• How the above steps have been working for you
• How you felt/feel as a result of the above actions you've been taking
• Plus whatever else you have to offer related to the topic!

Personally, I would love to hear @IcarusDreams take on this, since he seems like a shining example of what to strive for in terms of having a healthy love and respect for oneself.

In my case, I've realized that insufficient self-love and self-acceptance are most likely the main causes of my social anxiety and depression. Thus, I'd prefer to work on this root cause, rather than simply address the symptoms.

Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to go about fixing this issue.

That's where I'm hoping you come in.

Here's to (potential) inner love and peace!

Dear Wayfarer,

I will share more when I have the time. It is very different for every life journey out there, but in time, we must come to terms with ourselves, and love who we are-which doesn't mean that who that is is a finished work/immutable, or that it doesn't need more progress or even more beautiful/constructive stuff added on. There's always room for personal growth, but there should also always be room for personal, self-love, even today-though deep down you may wish you "were better"- there's much to love, like, and enjoy about ourselves, and we deserve our own attention and care. I am not much different than any of you, being human after all, but it came to a point in which I had to make a choice: to live happily, loving myself in a healthy way, or unhappily, finding faults within at all times and being unfairly self-deprecating. The latter also tends to make some individuals too "angsty" against the world, for somehow "stealing" their happiness, when often they should be happy with themselves first and foremost. Of course that's but a summary of it, and things are not that simple (plus one does have to keep making good life choices for oneself), and I hope to come back and share more, for I didn't really answer your 4 point questions.

Take care and enjoy life and yourself!

[Touk]

Rather than ask about social anxiety, depression, loneliness, or similar issues I see mentioned all too often on the INFP subforums, I'd like to discuss what I imagine to be one of the core causes of the above issues.

Specifically, I'd like to hear your personal experience and advice regarding how to learn to love and accept yourself.

Whether you're just starting out on your path to self-acceptance, or you already treat yourself with the love and kindness we each deserve to treat ourselves with (without being arrogant, self-centred, or narcissistic mind you), I would love to hear:

• What steps you were/are taking to cultivate a healthy love and acceptance of yourself
• How the above steps have been working for you
• How you felt/feel as a result of the above actions you've been taking
• Plus whatever else you have to offer related to the topic!

Personally, I would love to hear @IcarusDreams take on this, since he seems like a shining example of what to strive for in terms of having a healthy love and respect for oneself.

In my case, I've realized that insufficient self-love and self-acceptance are most likely the main causes of my social anxiety and depression. Thus, I'd prefer to work on this root cause, rather than simply address the symptoms.

Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to go about fixing this issue.

That's where I'm hoping you come in.

Here's to (potential) inner love and peace!

meh ...... I am not taking any steps because I already know the root of my issues and I think allot about why i feel the way I feel and have had professional help which still doesn't work because how i feel about myself is just because its how I feel. I hate myself because I have issues doing what it is i need to do, those issues come from ADHD and my ADHD comes from family inheritance so if i go to the root of the issues I don't hate myself i hate my inheritance :) so I am all good. But i do like the idea that your start :D

[Raain]

@Wayfarer

8 'Easy' steps....

1. Recognise that you seriously don't hate yourself, Genuinely hating yourself sounds impossible to me!!!??
2. Realise that you are unique and special and no one has the exact same experience of the things you have went through and the person you are.
3. Acknowledge all of your strengths and the things you like about yourself, make a list if you have to and keep practising and adding to it,
4. Be confident, fake it if you have to, act arrogant if you have to till confidence eventually comes,
5. Make tons of mistakes you'll learn from them anyway,
6. Engage in the things you like,
7. Exercise and get out as much as possible,
8. Adopt a 'fuck it' attitude and just enjoy life,

[Wayfarer]

@Touk @Raain Thank you for bumping this! To be honest, I was worried I might have left this thread to die after starting it (which I still might end up doing, mind you, but now I might at least keep it afloat a little while).

The last couple of "heavy" threads I started, I ended up leaving to rot, because I thought that letting them sit for a while might give me time to collect my thoughts, and then come back to it with a fresh angle or insight. Instead, I ended up abandoning them, then feeling guilty for doing so, and hence leaving them.

</tangent>

[Wayfarer]

so i have worked on this for years, and a few things seem to have helped.
a big one is to stop negative self talk, like "I can't believe I just did that, I'm such an idiot, no wonder no one likes me" etc.
when you catch yourself at it, stop immediately, and say some little phrase to yourself, like "cancel that," or something similar.
then rephrase your thought more positively. you want to replace not just the words you use in your self-talk, but the feelings, too--the way you treat/respond to yourself.
so you can say something to yourself like "I hate when I feel awkward and do things like that, but whatever, it happens." I personally don't go all stuart smalley, like "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and darn it, people like me!" but hey, if it works for you, go for it lol.
also, think about the people around you and the kindness you extend to them. be, at the very least, that kind to yourself. you probably don't judge people as harshly as you judge yourself. think on this a bit, and this awareness can also help you monitor and change your negative self-talk or unkindness toward yourself.
so that's one step towards changing your attitude, and behavior, toward yourself to be more kind and accepting, esp if you are consistent with these things. do not accept negative thoughts about yourself! hope this helps.
oh, and here's a kind of weird one. a few years back, when I was really looking at this issue, I realized that though I understood the concept of loving myself, and was thinking more positively about myself, I couldn't quite feel the love. So I made a doll that sort of looked like me, and I would hug it sometimes, as if it were me, and kind of reach around for that feeling.
(this is a little embarrassing! I'm not a very sappy person). but you know, it worked in that it helped me to conjure a feeling of love about myself, that was like a seed that I planted. and I do treat myself better, and I'm even able to feel love for myself at times, which is still a surprise.

Hmmm, good point. Awareness of negative self talk sounds like a step in the right direction.

Although on a few occasions, when I was more aware, I noticed that the thought itself didn't surface, only the feeling(s) of guilt, shame, etc. It's almost as if my ego caught on to the fact that I was "watching", and subtly played the feelings card without the accompanying mental buzz - something I now have to keep an eye out for.

Part of the problem with replacing negative self-talk with positivity might just be the silliness of it. It's got to seem believable to me, so I see statements like "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and darn it, people like me!" as downright corny and fake - like those people who always say they're "Good" when you ask how they are while passing in the hallway, even when you can smell the BS from a mile away.

I guess that's one of the next next steps: looking at the same situation on a more positive note, in a way that feels believable.

Also, thank you for sharing that last tip!

While I don't think I'm that...daring(?), I appreciate the sentiment of it!

Another (part of my?) problem is that I don't feel the love. I've always "known" that my family loves me, but I haven't always felt it (perhaps accentuated by the fact that my parents are both SJs, my mom as an ISFJ, my dad ESTJ, and my brother ENTJ).

I've noticed that I'm able to physically and mentally relive an emotion by thinking of a time when I strongly felt that feeling / emotion (not sure which of the two I should be using in this context) - anger, sadness, jealousy, frustration, defeat, loneliness, shame. I've found that the converse is also true: when I'm strongly feeling an emotion, I'm likely to think of and relive past events where I felt that same emotion.

Yet, for some reason, I seem unable (unwilling?) to do this for positive emotions: happiness, joy, love, triumph. I do remember a couple instances where I remember feeling giddy, but I don't relive that feeling - just the memory, even though I'm treating it as it if were any other day.

Possibly a topic for another thread and/or a therapist though.

[Belovodia]

The best way I've found to reduce the shame core is humour -
the kind where you just laugh at your flaws.

[mimesis]

@Touk @Raain Thank you for bumping this! To be honest, I was worried I might have left this thread to die after starting it (which I still might end up doing, mind you, but now I might at least keep it afloat a little while).

The last couple of "heavy" threads I started, I ended up leaving to rot, because I thought that letting them sit for a while might give me time to collect my thoughts, and then come back to it with a fresh angle or insight. Instead, I ended up abandoning them, then feeling guilty for doing so, and hence leaving them.

</tangent>

I'd love to help you out with this, but I have some problem with the format.

There are no stepping stones to self-acceptance. You do or you don't. So actually, the question should be 'why don't you?'. I should ask you the questions and you find the answers to them. If there is any 'way' to self-acceptance, it would be through this cognitive process of finding answers or take a look at the underlying assumptions you have, not by letting other people give you answers.

So there needs to be a dialogue, I think.