[infpblog]

How can I be more decisive, o wise INFPs?

Decisive about what, short-term decisions (where to go to lunch, whether to buy a cute blouse you just saw) or long-term decisions (should I date this guy, what degree should I get)?

Make short term decisions based on curiosity and newness. You can't do the same thing a get a different result. So if you're trying to get a different result, choose the path you haven't taken yet.

Long-term decisions can be made by focusing on the intention and letting go of attachment to the result. For example, say you want to find the love of your life. You don't make decisions about dating someone based perceived qualifications as long-term lifemate material. You detach from the result, i.e. this guy may or may not be lifemate material but that's not the reason I'm going to go out with him. For some things, you have to take the next step in order to get enough information to take the step after that or quit.

So instead, you date with the intention of finding a the right person, but not caring if this particular date is the right one or not. You date because he/she is cute and you want to get to know them better. Then you get enough information to decide whether to go on a 2nd date which will give you enough information to decide if you want to go on the 3rd.



You make the decision that leads to enough information to make the next decision.

[Elena]

I have had problems with past relationships and I've developed trust issues. On one hand I'd like to find the love of my life today if possible, but on the other hand I'm really terrified to be in a commited relationship. I'm thinking of doing the whole casual dating thing for awhile, until I figure myself out (and since I'm just starting college), but that's not what I want, not really... Has any of you gone through something similar, and if so, is there a way to overcome this and start acting like myself again?

[Hotspur]

I know I'm not the only person to give advice around here, but I'm sorry I've been gone so long. I have had some big computer troubles since returning from vacation. It's going good enough to post here today, though.

Ok, @Elena first. My youth was filled with dreams of finding the perfect love of my life, which ended up making me put pressure on both myself and anyone I dated. I had unrealistic expectations from early relationships. I hadn't really learned what I wanted and how to be myself in a relationship. I was hurt a lot, and trust became really tough. I did end up very casually dating, or resisting a lot of people who came after me. On one hand, that was a good learning experience because I started to understand that dating would not work with anyone who was interested in me. I took some time off after that, and got hurt again when I tried to date. That time, I put a lot of trust in right away. The thing I learned is that you have to put a certain amount of trust in up front, and allow someone to prove they want to earn the rest. Until you are ready to give someone the benefit of the doubt and trust them because they have not done anything to lose your trust, it will be difficult to build a lasting relationship. There is nothing wrong with taking a break or being casual if you think you are going to end up holding previous disappointment against new people. Give yourself time to get there.
@Rinori - I can tell you that the best relationships are an awful lot of work, but the bad ones are torture. It's never going to be all palm trees and sea breezes. Besides, you don't want to live on the beach, you want to build a mansion on the coast. It took a lot of hurricanes and destruction for me to understand how to communicate honestly and be a true partner. I wonder, from your statement, if you are eager to be married. If so, be careful. Part of a wonderful partnership is having a wonderful partner. No amount of caring and communication will make a bad pairing good. You can be great in a relationship if you look for a good partner and you are emotionally mature enough to be a good one, yourself. Don't pressure yourself with too much worry about marriage.

I think everything else that came up while I was gone was addressed. I hope everyone is doing well!

[Lyssah]

I have had problems with past relationships and I've developed trust issues. On one hand I'd like to find the love of my life today if possible, but on the other hand I'm really terrified to be in a commited relationship. I'm thinking of doing the whole casual dating thing for awhile, until I figure myself out (and since I'm just starting college), but that's not what I want, not really... Has any of you gone through something similar, and if so, is there a way to overcome this and start acting like myself again?

Elena,

It doesn't sound like you are ready for a committed relationship. Knowing already that you have trust issues is good, but you should seek out help for these issues before you ever try to enter a life with someone else. The thought of committing yourself permanently to someone should simultaneously excite and calm you, not make you terrified. Resolving past issues is a long and difficult process, but a very necessary one, whether you are dating or not. It is important for YOUR self-esteem and mental health. I would encourage you to seek out a mental health professional and start healing. Many colleges have qualified, educated, compassionate counselors available to students at no cost. I would caution you to ensure your counselor is competant, challenges you, and makes you feel comfortable. You should feel the "click" of instant connection with your counselor. If you don't feel challenged and yet comfortable, ask for a different counselor because you will not get anything out of the sessions otherwise.

So again, work on making yourself the best and most emotionally healthy person you can be. You are wise to seek out the advice of people who have already been there. I know most of us older INFP's would love to see the younger INFP's not have to endure the pain and struggles most of us have gone through. Please keep asking questions! As for right now, I would encourage you to casually date to figure out what qualities you want in a man, and avoid the trap of committing to the wrong ones. Develop some life goals and work hard to achieve them. In other words, get your shit together and then worry about settling down. ;) Again, you should feel excited and comfortable, NOT terrified and uneasy in any way. There is no rush. I didn't find the one for me until my early 30's and even though there have been difficulties, it was worth every minute of waiting.

[blueandviolet]

This weekend, a group of people I know are going to a music festival about three hours north. I really think that I could use the comraderie and friendship right now. My weeks and weekends are lonely. My main source of support is my Dad, a friend living far away, a cousin far away, and PerC.

In general, the group is a bit younger, but I know that the fest will have a lot of good people. My issue is the camping aspect, and feel self conscious about what to wear and all of that over-analysis. I'm also concerned that a few of the more immature women tend to say hurtful things, and they get clingy with me. Since I tend to sit and absorb everyones feelings and projections, I'm concerned about being there without a solid rock of a friend. I know some of the people enough to call them "acquaintance/friends" but none of them really know what a hard time I've been having lately.

They are leaving today, and it's a three hour trip. I feel safest with a few of the guys I know, but I'm paranoid about having to deal with some of the overwhelming extroverts. I also feel awkward when I connect with a "safe" guy, and then the girls want to be buddy-buddy, but they guilt trip me and say sarcastic bullshit. I don't want to talk about myself openly, or dance around with glee. I just want to be around good, chill people and listen to good music. I really hope it would be like this, but there are so many unknowns!

I'm worrying so much about it. If I go, it could be amazing. However, if I'm there and it feels rotten/awkward, I will definitely feel trapped and overwhelmed. It's a tough call! I wish I could just follow my gut.

It's like....be lonely this weekend and possibly have to spend time with fam and job searching vs. hanging out with cool people at a music fest, and possibly absorbing bad vibes and getting overwhelmed.

It's hard to know which is the better option!

My ES*J friend keeps telling me to DRIVE MY OWN BUS, and not to let fear get in the way. But she has no idea what I'm talking about when I describe absorbing bad vibes. My INFP friend from college said that she usually avoids such situations, as the vibes overwhelm her ability to enjoy herself, especially without a solid "rock" friend. Another friend also said "boundaries exist for a reason, and sometimes people really push boundaries in these settings."

Over-thinking much!? Sheesh. INFP women (edit: or men!)...thoughts? experiences?

[Hotspur]

This weekend, a group of people I know are going to a music festival about three hours north. I really think that I could use the comraderie and friendship right now. My weeks and weekends are lonely. My main source of support is my Dad, a friend living far away, a cousin far away, and PerC.

In general, the group is a bit younger, but I know that the fest will have a lot of good people. My issue is the camping aspect, and feel self conscious about what to wear and all of that over-analysis. I'm also concerned that a few of the more immature women tend to say hurtful things, and they get clingy with me. Since I tend to sit and absorb everyones feelings and projections, I'm concerned about being there without a solid rock of a friend. I know some of the people enough to call them "acquaintance/friends" but none of them really know what a hard time I've been having lately.

They are leaving today, and it's a three hour trip. I feel safest with a few of the guys I know, but I'm paranoid about having to deal with some of the overwhelming extroverts. I also feel awkward when I connect with a "safe" guy, and then the girls want to be buddy-buddy, but they guilt trip me and say sarcastic bullshit. I don't want to talk about myself openly, or dance around with glee. I just want to be around good, chill people and listen to good music. I really hope it would be like this, but there are so many unknowns!

I'm worrying so much about it. If I go, it could be amazing. However, if I'm there and it feels rotten/awkward, I will definitely feel trapped and overwhelmed. It's a tough call! I wish I could just follow my gut.

It's like....be lonely this weekend and possibly have to spend time with fam and job searching vs. hanging out with cool people at a music fest, and possibly absorbing bad vibes and getting overwhelmed.

It's hard to know which is the better option!

My ES*J friend keeps telling me to DRIVE MY OWN BUS, and not to let fear get in the way. But she has no idea what I'm talking about when I describe absorbing bad vibes. My INFP friend from college said that she usually avoids such situations, as the vibes overwhelm her ability to enjoy herself, especially without a solid "rock" friend. Another friend also said "boundaries exist for a reason, and sometimes people really push boundaries in these settings."

Over-thinking much!? Sheesh. INFP women (edit: or men!)...thoughts? experiences?

Though I'm male, I can relate to the bad vibes. I can still have times where I end up miserable based on my surroundings, and sometimes in situations where I expected to really enjoy myself. (@Lyssah can attest to this.) For each one of those situations, I have found that I have had a great time and made the most of probably five situations where I had low or no expectations going in. I try my best not to focus on one or two negatives unless I end up feeling overwhelmed entirely. A setting that I know has high potential will often end up being a lot of fun, even if the people I expect to have fun with are not a huge part of the equation in the end.

Now I'm curious if you went or not.

[blueandviolet]

Thanks for the response @Hotspur.

I really debated this decision. In the end, I decided not to go. I feel really good about staying home.

The logistics of deciding last minute, and going with a car full of guys I didn't know well...that was just too much for me. I had about two hours to decide, and I was getting input from too many people who don't know what it means to be an "empath." I use the word empath when I'm talking with someone who probably won't care to know about MBTI. I think it's close enough. INFPs, in general, tend to absorb vibes-- am I right about this? It's a good thing to work on, but I still haven't mastered it. And it's worse when I don't know the group very well.

Part of the issue is that I don't "look like myself", which I'm sure many people can relate to. I don't know what I really look "like", but in general, people tend to make ridiculous assumptions. I know everyone deals with "projections", of course! And it's not fun. I can't count the number of times when people have said "someone who looks like you isn't supposed to be this cool/kind/intelligent/etc." This isn't an obnoxious compliment towards myself, because naturally, as an INFP, I have had trouble believing people when they give me compliments. Bottom line, I need to move beyond this BS, because everyone has to deal with it in one way or another.

I'm glad I stayed home, because I really needed to rest and take care of myself. My apartment is clean, fridge stocked, I spent time one-on-one with a friend, watched a movie, and I did some reading. WOOT!

Next time, I'll plan ahead, and I'll just GO. But only if I'm feeling good, and have a confidante along with me...

[Hotspur]

@blueandviolet - Sounds like you made a great choice for now and for the future. It's true that we often absorb the energy and mood of those around us, but sometimes we are completely turned off or overwhelmed by the group energy. I can't really predict when it will go one way or another, myself.

Sounds like you are doing a good job of learning to read yourself, too.

[Enrise]

Anyone have advice on focusing more on my studies than on crushes that obviously will get me no where but procrastinate on the important things. I'm a freshmen college student and am studying to become a researcher. Any INFPs dealt with crushes that seem to occupy your mind all day and you just cant seem to get any work done? I just needs some tips on focusing... sigh

[Hotspur]

Anyone have advice on focusing more on my studies than on crushes that obviously will get me no where but procrastinate on the important things. I'm a freshmen college student and am studying to become a researcher. Any INFPs dealt with crushes that seem to occupy your mind all day and you just cant seem to get any work done? I just needs some tips on focusing... sigh

I can't imagine an INFP not having a crush at that age, but maybe that's me. It can be difficult, but if you can channel the energy created by the crush into the work you are doing, you can go far. I used to find that coffee and chewing gum helped, actually. It sounds silly, but I would pick my times to shut out the world and get to work. I would energize, and gum has been shown to help you focus. Sometimes I could simply dive into work without anything else because I would need a break from my own brain. It was almost meditative. I worked odd hours, though. I would go to class, then go home, and I would usually work late at night. I was in art, so I had that freedom. Usually, my mind would drift to other things as I worked, but it was more of a daydream than a fully focused distraction. What was also a helper was using my other interests to release some of the pressure in my head. I would write music to get the chaotic energy out and allow me to get to what I needed to do. Do you have other hobbies that can be a release of energy? Of course, I didn't finish college, so this all may be terrible advice, but that wasn't directly related to any one aspect of life.