[Eric Blair]

hotspur - "That was a bit of a ramble, but did it make sense? If it were me, I would stick to my original commitment and have a fun time at the movie. I'd tell the new friend that I would love to be there, but I already had plans to see a close friend. They will understand. Use it as an opportunity to plan another hangout with the work friend. Again, that's just me. Everyone approaches thing differently."

+1

I think Hotspur's comment is right on target. The person who asked about this probably didnt mean it - - - but often when someone makes plans, and then later changes them for other plans - - - it can make the other person think you made contingent plans with them to 'fill your social calendar' only until 'something better came up'. This doesnt feel very good for people.They can feel devalued.

I'd carry out your original commitment to your friend and fully enjoy the evening with them.



P.S. -- I'd also let the first person know that you didnt only feel 'pressured & obligated' to go with them now. Depending on the person/situation, you might even tell them "What was I thinking ?! Going to the show with you sounds great, I'm really looking forward to it !" Given that your first friend thought you were staying longer, they might have done things to prepare for such a longer visit that they didnt even tell you about.

[Sonne]

Great thread.

[Acey]

Does love feel different when you are 30+ ? Does the idealized vision of love still exist now that you are in a serious relationship?

[laurie17]

To employed INFPs: how did you decide which career to choose? Did you go for what you loved, and did it work out? How much planning did it require?

That's actually a list... sorry, hope that's okay!

[OldNewBorrowedTardis]

Thanks for your reply! It was very insightful and I guess the best thing would be to start paddling in any direction. However, I feel like I don't even have an oar at the moment because I cannot find a job. Thanks for the advice. It really helped a lot :)

[StaceofBass]

To be completely honest, you committed to one event with a best friend and you tried to back out to do something with a new friend. I don't think he is being selfish. I have an INTP friend who used to do this regularly because, then he stopped committing to anything until the last minute to see if something more exciting would come along. These habits became more and more annoying to his friends as they grew and had more structured lives. He was seen as a flake for some time, and I told him about it. He has worked hard at following through and understanding that you can't do everything. I would definitely feel slighted if a friend I don't often see told me they wanted to do something else when we were planning on hanging out.

Now, I see your point about it being a birthday, but this is still a work friend that you see on a regular basis. He may be jealous of your new friends, but that's natural. They get to see you more often, and he might be worried that this weekend is a sign that he is going to be put on the back burner. Have you addressed his status in your life with him so he knows that he will remain your friend despite the new people you have? That might do him a lot of good.

Bottom line, you made a commitment, and you want to back out for a non-emergency. You would probably have a great time if you stuck to the original plan, and I can't imagine the new friend holding it against you if you don't make it to a birthday party he just told you about. It can't sit all on your shoulders to compensate for people who leave it too late when planning things. I'm sure you are not the only person who already had plans and would have to decline the party. That's another lesson that you can take from this: if you REALLY want to do something with someone, plan it ahead and don't be upset if they are busy when you wait to ask.

I know I may sound very critical, but I am just trying to be matter of fact. I understand where you are coming from. I have gotten to a point where I know that most people in the world really value simply following through. A few months ago I had an offer to sit in expensive seats at a baseball game, but I got the call an hour before the game started. I had made plans about an hour earlier to watch a really bad movie in a friend's basement. I knew the movie friend was going to try to make it a small gathering with a couple more friends. I REALLY wanted to go to the game. I knew I would not have fun in the cramped basement, but I knew I had made the commitment, so I stuck with it. In the long run, what activity I did in that one night doesn't matter as much as being a good friend. I explained to the friend with tickets that I had just made plans, and he understood.

That was a bit of a ramble, but did it make sense? If it were me, I would stick to my original commitment and have a fun time at the movie. I'd tell the new friend that I would love to be there, but I already had plans to see a close friend. They will understand. Use it as an opportunity to plan another hangout with the work friend. Again, that's just me. Everyone approaches thing differently.

I wouldn't say I'm trying to back out. My best friend and I are still going to go to the movie and such. If I were truly trying to back out, I wouldn't be going to the movie at all. I may have explained it horribly first time around so if I did, I apologize. What happened was we tried to plan for sunday, but neither one of us could get the day off so I assumed sunday and saturday night were completely out of the equation. My best friend I guess assumed that sunday was a no-go, but saturday night was still on or something to that extent. The more I think about it, the more I think it's pretty much just a misunderstanding but each time I try to clear it up with the best friend he's stubborn as heck.

From that explanation, you can see where I thought I'd be able to go to the party saturday night. However this isn't the first time me and my best friend have had a misunderstanding like this so I wanted to clear it up with him first.


Summary:
Friday night is the movie and I'll be staying with my best friend that night
Saturday night is the party.
Best friend and I previously tried to get sunday off and couldn't
I assumed saturday night was a no-go, he assumed I'd leave sunday morning. Never talked about it...just assumed...so bad communication and misunderstanding there.

[Lyssah]

Will I become a crazy cat person? :3

Yes. Better get used to it now. ;) But seriously, what about that statement is really bad?
Looking at each part separately, @Hotspur and I are both crazy, and it's a lot of fun! I don't think I would choose to be normal in any way if I had the choice.

Second, cats are great! Ask @ethylester about her psychedelic cat collection. But there is nothing that says you HAVE to be a cat person, I think I read on Facebook yesterday that @mimisea loves dogs, and I've definitely seen a few others on here that feel that way. You could be a crazy dog person instead. Or, if you love ponies, you could be a crazy pony person.

Seriously though, do INFPs tend to 'fit in' better at a college or a university than high school?

Speaking from my own experience, college was easier. I was painfully shy in high school and didn't know how to get positive attention from others. I had a slightly different experience where I did go out and party, just because I was so desperate to fit in and alcohol seemed to loosen me up to the point where I could talk to people.
Once I got to college, things were easier. You got to set your own schedule, plan your own breaks as you needed them, and follow a path that you got to choose, rather than one that was chosen for you - one that everyone had to follow (standard high school curriculum). As you figure out what interests you, you take those classes and find other people in the classes that are interested in the same things you are. Sometimes they are even similar personalities to you. Once you find kindred spirits, you can loosen up a little bit and start to enjoy life and not be so focused on fitting in. It ebbs and flows, but this is the general pattern that has existed for me after high school.

[Lyssah]

To employed INFPs: how did you decide which career to choose? Did you go for what you loved, and did it work out? How much planning did it require?

That's actually a list... sorry, hope that's okay!

Hey @laurie17!
It was a tough decision for me. Some people are lucky enough to immediately know when they are 5 what they want to do with their lives. I had such a wide range of interests, that I could never decide! When I was very young, 10 and under, I wanted to be an astronaut because I was fascinated with everything that had to do with space and astronomy. After that, I got more into art and wanted to be a hair stylist. After that, I wanted to be a concert pianist. After that, I wanted to be a criminal profiler in the FBI. To that end, I started out my college career as a sociology major. However, the beginning classes for sociology I found to be very boring and I couldn't make myself stick to it. Eventually, I ended up in my current job after 10 years of college. I found out through all my meandering, that I really love to learn above all else. I would happily stay in college for the rest of my life, learning all that there is to know, enjoying the flexible schedule, and making people coffee. But...I love my current job (engineer). Not for the subject matter really, I can think of other things more interesting, but for the fact that it allows me to learn and do something new and exciting with my brain almost every day. That for me, was one of the most important criteria in finding a job and being able to stick to it.

I think the key for INFP's is to figure out what that one thing is that you know you need to have in order to stay interested in your work and happy every morning (after coffee) when you are headed to do your job. For some people it may be a completely flexible schedule. For some it may be helping other people. For some it may be using their artistic talents. Like I said, for me it was being able to learn something new and exciting every day. If INFP's do not believe in what they are doing, it may be impossible to stay engaged. Not that anybody asked, but I also believe that is one of the keys to happiness in INFP relationships.

[Hotspur]

Does love feel different when you are 30+ ? Does the idealized vision of love still exist now that you are in a serious relationship?

That first question is a real thinker. Does it feel different? I would say it does. It feels more solid. Less anxiety driven, but not less exciting. It has taken a lot of failures for me to recognize the things I definitely do not want, and I started to avoid them once I pieced those things together. That began the solid feeling I am talking about. The partnership was the next step. I knew what to avoid, but not how to really make that confident connection. I feel that now, though.

Here's the biggest part, though. Never think that love will be simple. I like to think that @Lyssah and I have one of the strongest bonds of anyone I know, even if it has not be a long lasting yet, but we work at it. We have very difficult discussions at times. We are incredibly open. Part of our strength is the fact that we love each other enough to treat even the toughest subjects like adults, and we grow stronger after those conversations. We will call each other out and ask to talk about heavy things. This is not a daily occurrence, but it happens. I could NEVER have handled the intensity with maturity when I was younger. I have said that we would have destroyed each other when we were in our 20s, and, though she hates to hear that, I am certain it's true.

So, I would say that MY idealized love is alive and well. I always wanted a relationship built on trust and honesty. I tried many times only to be shot down. I never imagined a perfect love would be calm sailing, I just wanted to know that someone else would help weather the storms with me. I had a lot of doubts that I would ever find that idealized love until she came along. I just had to be patient.

[Hotspur]

I wouldn't say I'm trying to back out. My best friend and I are still going to go to the movie and such. If I were truly trying to back out, I wouldn't be going to the movie at all. I may have explained it horribly first time around so if I did, I apologize. What happened was we tried to plan for sunday, but neither one of us could get the day off so I assumed sunday and saturday night were completely out of the equation. My best friend I guess assumed that sunday was a no-go, but saturday night was still on or something to that extent. The more I think about it, the more I think it's pretty much just a misunderstanding but each time I try to clear it up with the best friend he's stubborn as heck.

From that explanation, you can see where I thought I'd be able to go to the party saturday night. However this isn't the first time me and my best friend have had a misunderstanding like this so I wanted to clear it up with him first.


Summary:
Friday night is the movie and I'll be staying with my best friend that night
Saturday night is the party.
Best friend and I previously tried to get sunday off and couldn't
I assumed saturday night was a no-go, he assumed I'd leave sunday morning. Never talked about it...just assumed...so bad communication and misunderstanding there.

Ah! I see! Yes, it sounds like a miscommunication. It could be sorted out with a good discussion, but you may still have to miss this party this time. :\ However, since you say that miscommunications have happened before, you might want to be more thorough in the future with him. Some people are on the exact same subtle wavelength, and others need more detail. He might just need a little more clarification in the future. It doesn't make him any less of a friend, it just means one more text or phone call to be certain you are on the same page.