[siliconbuddha]

decided to delete this last post- Off topic!

[Luke]

I think it's good that you want to compliment him. A female friend occasionally compliments me and it really does make me feel better. Sometimes when I feel really down it helps to think about the things she said about me. I don't think you have to be overly sentimental about it. Just take note of some of his good traits and then find a way to casually compliment him during a conversation. I think making it seem casual and natural will make it less awkward.

[Danielsearch]

I uh... have way more girl friends than Guy friends.

I just refer to them as family. Give them nicknames: "Cuz" (cousin) or Sis.

No matter what I have to watch myself. I am in a serious relationship so I tread carefully. Meet publicly. That kind of thing.

I think just being upfront makes all the world of difference.

[siliconbuddha]

Whoa, that's huge; talking everyday and sending gifts. HUGE.
I'd say she's definitley considering it -- the distance my be a factor. We are also hurt easily and shy so she won't be open with her feelings until she feels it's "safe". There is a good possiblity she is testing/waiting you to see how real/deep your emotions are toward her.

You may have put her under pressure, we do need time but once the decision is made -- watch out. All that emotion is pent up for a reason, it's powerful and consuming so we have to be careful and guarded.


It looks very good for you though. VERY good ;)

I'm soooo confused about this INFP girl. It's tearing me apart and I've GOT to get it resolved for my own sake! I have a strong feeling that she only sees me as a friend.

Do any INFPs contact almost every day and send romantic gifts to platonic friends? Considering she knows I had romantic feelings for her (and she must be fairly sure i still do)

If she's not interested why venture into 'romantic' territory? Are INFPs prone to stringing people along? Could she crave my attention out of neediness? I can't believe she's 'testing' me because she's still on dating sites (In fact she seems to be addicted!)

[amanda32]

I'm soooo confused about this INFP girl. It's tearing me apart and I've GOT to get it resolved for my own sake! I have a strong feeling that she only sees me as a friend.

If she does, she's naive.

Do any INFPs contact almost every day and send romantic gifts to platonic friends?

No. Hell no.

If she's not interested why venture into 'romantic' territory? Are INFPs prone to stringing people along? Could she crave my attention out of neediness? I can't believe she's 'testing' me because she's still on dating sites (In fact she seems to be addicted!)

You're not there and you're not making a clear move.

No, INFPs are not prone to stringing people along (they hate hurting people or being false).

[siliconbuddha]

First of all I'd like to thank you Amanda for all your advice :)

You're not there and you're not making a clear move.

I'm confused about how to make a clear move without putting her under pressure. I've been making romantic gestures but all this not knowing is taking it's toll on my sanity. Would a letter be enough or a big face to face gesture?

No, INFPs are not prone to stringing people along (they hate hurting people or being false).

I know she doesn't want to hurt me and I know she respects me a lot. edit: it has occurred to me that she is stalling for the outcome of my life situation. I gave up full time work to care for my terminally i'll mother. This girl has said to me she doesn't think I'll be ready for several months /edit .....BUT why continue visiting dating sites if she still thinks of me as a potential partner?

She wrote on a 'Love Actually' postcard that she really wants to see me again but 'hopefully our IMs and phone chats will keep us going till then'! I brought up the subject of meeting and all she is willing to say is to meet halfway for the weekend in a picturesque location. The earliest date she suggested was early summer! It took five months of delays for her to even agree on meeting for the first time. At this rate it'll be over a year between dates!!! BTW since she said she 'can't wait to meet' she's arranged quite a few long distance trips (I certainly don't feel like her priority)

Any suggestions of how to know when an INFP is 'ready'? Should I wait for her to agree on a meet date or just sweep her off her feet ? (being an ENFP I can be very creative in this department but not sure if I'll come across too strong)

[AdAstraPerAspera]

I have the same situation going on with an ESFP girl. We're extremely close, talk everyday, hang out whenever we get a chance, and neither of us bore or exhaust ourselves from each others company. As the INFP guy in this case, I find it pretty easy to say that I truly do love her within our friendship, yet she's never quite been able to say the same thing back to me. Instead the way I find she communicates platonic affection towards me is by talking to me everyday and occasionally dropping a compliment towards me out of nowhere. It actually feels pretty good, and while I'd love for her to say she loves me too in a platonic sense, it's just not her. But that's okay. We understand those differences in communication and affection towards one another.

[siliconbuddha]

...while I'd love for her to say she loves me too in a platonic sense, it's just not her. But that's okay. We understand those differences in communication and affection towards one another.

Do you make it clear that it's platonic love? If so, maybe she's actually after more (I'm not too familiar with ESFPs though)

But it's interesting to hear how use think of 'love' so highly within your friendship. I suppose that is my fear with my INFP girl i.e. being very gushing about our 'platonic' relationship as she may see it. TBH I've never had a friend who sends gifts (hearts seem to be a common theme) every few weeks and talks about 'how glad she is we met', 'will I always be there for her' etc. But as mentioned there are other issues which suggest it is just platonic.

[amanda32]

First of all I'd like to thank you Amanda for all your advice :)

It's my pleasure. I'm not sure it's the right advice so weigh everything I say against what you know and your gut insticts. If it feels wrong it probably is and vice versa.

I'm confused about how to make a clear move without putting her under pressure. I've been making romantic gestures but all this not knowing is taking it's toll on my sanity. Would a letter be enough or a big face to face gesture?

I believe I suggested you drive up and give her a surprise visit. You thought it would put her under too much pressure, but I still think that is the best way. It's clear, romantic and as for pressure on her side, she'll be put on the spot which she might need. I would be THRILLED to see a good friend/potential love interest standing at my door (not literally, but getting a call from him when he's down the street). If she doesn't come out and meet you, you'll have your answer but she will.

A letter might work, it's a gamble. It depends on how likely it is you two can actually be together and the depths of her feelings. She might love it, she might shut down...

I know she doesn't want to hurt me and I know she respects me a lot. edit: it has occurred to me that she is stalling for the outcome of my life situation. I gave up full time work to care for my terminally i'll mother. This girl has said to me she doesn't think I'll be ready for several months /edit .....BUT why continue visiting dating sites if she still thinks of me as a potential partner?

Could be she is stalling because of your terminally ill mother. It might seem lacking in integrity to pursue you while you're dealing with something as serious as that.

Why continue to visit dating sites? Hm...maybe to check up on you?? Are you on those sites as well?

She wrote on a 'Love Actually' postcard that she really wants to see me again but 'hopefully our IMs and phone chats will keep us going till then'! I brought up the subject of meeting and all she is willing to say is to meet halfway for the weekend in a picturesque location. The earliest date she suggested was early summer! It took five months of delays for her to even agree on meeting for the first time. At this rate it'll be over a year between dates!!! BTW since she said she 'can't wait to meet' she's arranged quite a few long distance trips (I certainly don't feel like her priority)

An INFP woman will not come to you/chase after you. It's a matter of pride and also a test, she says to herself: "if he really likes me, he'll come and visit me." That's one of the reasons why I suggested surpising her with a visit. You will have to go to her or meet her or at least "halfway" ;)

Any suggestions of how to know when an INFP is 'ready'? Should I wait for her to agree on a meet date or just sweep her off her feet ? (being an ENFP I can be very creative in this department but not sure if I'll come across too strong)

Patience is the key to seduction. Allude, be present, have romantic overtones, listen, share, have great conversations, times together, laughs -- invade and fill her mind and then she won't be able to think of anyone but you and when you're alone together it will just happen.

Do and say things that make her wonder and even confuse her as to your intentions -- romance is in the wonder. Don't be blunt, that ruins everything, makes things awkward.

Don't be too obvious or she'll think she already has you and begin to wonder if she really wants you. You don't want her there. You want her wondering if you're interested. And if interested, how interested.

This is exactly what she's doing to you, though unintentionally. But right now you are at her mercy, not a good place to be.

[siliconbuddha]

Why continue to visit dating sites? Hm...maybe to check up on you?? Are you on those sites as well?

This can't be the case unfortunately. We defo were checking up on each other before we met, then I closed my account (made invisible) and within two hours she did the same! Until after we met...

Don't be too obvious or she'll think she already has you and begin to wonder if she really wants you. You don't want her there. You want her wondering if you're interested. And if interested, how interested.

This may have been the problem when we did meet. From the first moment I sensed her disappointment and she was very distant the whole weekend...I gave up on the chance of any romance but then she kissed me! (This really threw me!) I got a bit carried away and was probably too gushing.

Afterwards she sent me a letter saying she 'wasn't ready' and I 'shouldn't wait for her'. I read this as a polite way of turning me down. Especially since she signed back up to the dating site and excluded me from her 'wants' (must be taller than me and younger than me- by one year!) This felt like a very insensitive kick in the teeth compared to her letter and she must have known I'd see it.

I had come to terms with her position, in spite of feeling let down and still loving her deeply. I genuinely wanted to be 'platonic' friends and suppress my love but after a couple of months she started telling me how she still reads my love letters, gift giving etc. Maybe she feels that my romantic feelings had died away and it was safe.


This is really what confuses me! Am I just an emotional safety net when she's disappointed by a 'new friend'? I've continued to be there for her as a friend so why venture into romantic territory when she's not interested? Am I slowly passing tests to see how interested I am in her?

I am convinced she is not deliberately messing me about as it is obvious how emotionally vulnerable I am (She is a very principled and honest person)