OOOk so im not really sure how to explain this but i will try my best.
So over the last year or so ive sorta been existing in this angry cloud where i pretty much just do without thinking and im more or less on autopilot. sometimes i will get bored of distracting myself and i will stp and think about all the people ive hurt with my selfish insensitivity. i then proceed to try and make amends until i get tired of bieng selfless and neglecting myself. which then spirals into some twisted sort of defiance where i more or less convince myself that i am bieng oppressed (angry at myself for stupidly allowing myself to be in psuedo-servitude), that the rest of the world is out to get me etc etc where i then put myself back on autopilot and the cycle just continues.
Anyways, today while my mind was going off on some ADD driven tangent, i kinda just stopped and looked around. I sorta gotta glimpse of reality (just for a second lol) and realized that im harboring ALOT of anger. Unfortunately i now have no idea what to do. My mind is pretty sensitive and i have accepted that, so i am only able to acknowledge my anger for a breif time before my brain kicks in with the old daydream defense mechanism in which case my reality gets twisted into some poisonous mutation thats been tainted by anger. And as much as i try, i cant seem to root it out. My values kinda prevent me from placing blame on anyone, especially if its from an event caused from the past, and at the same time, i cant just "get over it" because its there no matter how much i want to just let it go. Pretty much im just trying to see if anybody else has had problems with anger and if so what did they do to channel it out. cuz this s**ts gotta go