[infinitefish]

OOOk so im not really sure how to explain this but i will try my best.

So over the last year or so ive sorta been existing in this angry cloud where i pretty much just do without thinking and im more or less on autopilot. sometimes i will get bored of distracting myself and i will stp and think about all the people ive hurt with my selfish insensitivity. i then proceed to try and make amends until i get tired of bieng selfless and neglecting myself. which then spirals into some twisted sort of defiance where i more or less convince myself that i am bieng oppressed (angry at myself for stupidly allowing myself to be in psuedo-servitude), that the rest of the world is out to get me etc etc where i then put myself back on autopilot and the cycle just continues.



Anyways, today while my mind was going off on some ADD driven tangent, i kinda just stopped and looked around. I sorta gotta glimpse of reality (just for a second lol) and realized that im harboring ALOT of anger. Unfortunately i now have no idea what to do. My mind is pretty sensitive and i have accepted that, so i am only able to acknowledge my anger for a breif time before my brain kicks in with the old daydream defense mechanism in which case my reality gets twisted into some poisonous mutation thats been tainted by anger. And as much as i try, i cant seem to root it out. My values kinda prevent me from placing blame on anyone, especially if its from an event caused from the past, and at the same time, i cant just "get over it" because its there no matter how much i want to just let it go. Pretty much im just trying to see if anybody else has had problems with anger and if so what did they do to channel it out. cuz this s**ts gotta go

[Mr. Meepers]

Okay, so the last time I had lots of anger was way, way back ... all the way back until I was in 8th grade (I forgot about this ... and I hope it helps) ... I think it was 8th grade (I remember in 9th grade I didn't really get angry). Anyway blah, blah, blah

So a long time ago in a galaxy far far way a young boy felt as though he was angry way too much. Although his mother told him his anger was justifiable, he did not like being anger. He and his father (Darth Vader? ... but Luke's mom is alive?) did not really get alone and ... Okay I'm gonna stop referring to old myself in the 3rd person 'cause it got boring ... So my Dad and I were not really great together. Anyway, sometimes I would also get frustrated playing video games that kept skipping and causing me to fail too lol. My memory is quite hazy, but I remember that I did not like that feeling and I wanted to be in control of my anger, so I believe I promised myself to stop being angry. I don't remember what I did, but for the next year I did not consciously feel angry. ... Obviously that is a little too far, although I think I was able too feel annoyed. I remember in 8th grade of of my best friends and I always liked to see who was "tougher" ... I always won at arm wrestling :D, but, for some reason (to feel tougher?) he liked to see me feel pain. Sometimes he would make a fist, stick his middle finger out a little, and punch me a lot in the arm (lightly, but quickly) until I bruised and said ouch (mostly I didn't care ... I don't remember ever really caring) ... the most memorable time was when he unraveled a paper clip, and kept slashing it against the back of my arm. It hurt, but I guess I did not say anything because I wanted to feel tough??? Anyway, I eventually noticed all these raised lines on the back of my arm, so I asked him, very calmly, to stop because I did not want an infection ... I was very apathetic to what people did to me.

... Anyway, now I rarely get angry, but I can. Sometimes I'm still apathetic because I'm like, Meh, whatever you do can't really hurt me, because I am used to pain and/or have taken a lot worst (except with someone I'm really, really close with, those people can hurt me and I can be mad at them ... I can also be mad at politicians and "bad" people lol) ... but then I always want to know why they did it and try to understand why they did what they did. If I feel they did not mean to hurt me, then any pain or anger I may have had (no matter how small) kind of almost goes completely away ... I also tend to assume it was an accident first (especially if they look like they are sorry or did not realize anything)

... Also when I was a kid, I just remembered, I used to bottle up my emotions a lot until I wanted to explode. I'm pretty sure physical activity (especially more power activities / anaerobic activities over aerobic) ... also talking and venting should help

... Also just trying to find reasons to love life, the people around you, and everything near you can be a very relaxing way to let go of any hate and/or anger (Now that I think about it, maybe that is the real reason why I'm still kind of apathetic towards what people, that I'm not very close too, do/have done to me ... I just care about them too much to be mad ... I guess there are several things at work)

[infpblog]

Anger usually comes from feeling that some value you deeply hold is being violated. We have boundaries and if we think people are intentionally crossing those boundaries, we feel threatened and get angry. Generalized anger comes from feeling the world is general is threatening our values.

Here's the thing though. The world doesn't care, doesn't know you exists, could give a damn if you did exists. 7 billion people trying to make their way through life just like everyone else and what you think and feel doesn't matter to them. Even the people who know you are dealing with their problems and what you care about doesn't matter to them.

Anger is a defense mechanism when we feel that were threatened. The thing is no one cares because no one is doing anything to you. Everyone is busy trying to figure out things for themselves.

That's the secret to dealing with anger. Realizing that no one cares if you're angry or not angry or whatever. People don't want to be around angry negative people so anyone who did care probably stopped hanging around you a long time ago.

[summer solstice]

That's the secret to dealing with anger. Realizing that no one cares if you're angry or not angry or whatever. People don't want to be around angry negative people so anyone who did care probably stopped hanging around you a long time ago.

You're so straightforward it just sounds harsh, whenever you write. But I always read with interest because I hardly come across any posts of yours without a dash or three of wisdom and/or truth.

@infinitefish, perhaps you're Fi-Si looping? Dominant-Tertiary Loops and Common Personality Disorders There's some interesting stuff in there to read, but take the comments about personality-disorders with a grain of salt. It may lead to having a different perspective on what's going on in your life which could be helpful.

[infinitefish]

Thanks i appreciate this, honestly after thinking about it fora while, it dawned on me while feeling like shit after one of my proffessors congratulated me in front of the class (i hate bieng singled out for an accomplishment) that i just have alot of guilt. at some point i stopped functioning and started questioning my own motivations. maybe i violated one of my own values and now i got a civil war going on in there. whatever. anyways i went in front of the mirror and kinda just forgave myself,and instantly felt a little better. who knows if thats the whole deal, but baby steps i guess