[Organized Chaos]

I recently moved in with one of my cousins and one of her friends, who, if memory serves me right, is an INFP. Around 80% of the time, things are good, and all three of us get along, but with my INFP-roommate, sometimes she can have emotional 180s so hard and so fast that I'm left scratching my head.

I get along well with my cousin, but that's probably largely because we have a previously-established relationship and we're both SJ's. NF, however is the most opposite of my temperament possible. I don't get the whole excess-of-emotion aspect.

My question here is--Have any of you ever lived with an ISTJ, and what would you like to tell him/her to make the living conditions as pleasant as possible?

Also, on top of the type difference, there is also a gender difference, so feedback from female INFPs who have lived with male ISTJs would be an added bonus.

[beingbella]

I live with an ISTJ. My mom is an ISTJ. The most stereotyped one. The most rational and perfectionist you could possibly imagine.

You must think, "Oh, that must be one hell of a relationship!" Want my honest opinion? It is definitely the best relationship between a daughter and a mom. We offer balance to each other and we agree to disagree.What counts is trying to find common ground between the two of us, putting the differences aside, willing to find respect at all costs. Therefore, differences CAN be a problem in this area - she is quite judgmental while I am an observer, I don't jump to conclusions. She's very critical and harsh on people she doesn't like at first, while I tend to keep my opinions about people to myself. You see? There are some huge differences. I wouldn't change anything about my mom. She does complain I make drama - but she doesn't understand it. As much as I don't understand her when she starts being logical and assertive.

But we get along quite well, since we've come to the realization where our extreme opposites complete each other, therefore talking instead of arguing and fighting is a better option. Being interested in each other is essential, being willing to learn and to improve. So finding common ground is our strength.

[au contraire]

I lived with and grew up with (I believe) an ISTJ-my older brother. Except for brief moments when he was a late teen and I was an early teen, when he was still a bit crazy and I was just starting to be, there really was no connection between us at all. Talking to him was, and is, like talking to an alien. I wanted to make a real connection-he was my only brother-but when he would talk at all it was very short. Yes, no, shrug, maybe later.

As for coexisting, we did it basically by ignoring each other. Once I realized he didnt want to talk to me, I stopped trying to forge that connection, stopped talking to him, and pretended he didn't exist. Nothing has changed; I haven't talked to him in years. But there was no animosity when we lived together, we were just invisible to each other. Or perhaps, as I have come to believe more recently, I was a blotch in his vision that he would rather not have seen.

[Aelthwyn]

Like @beingbella I grew up with an ISTJ mom and she was my best friend, but there were certainly some issues.

One of the things that was very oppressive for me was constantly getting the sense that I didn't measure up somehow. My mom was very loving and supportive, mind you, so what I'm talking about was very subtle. I came away with the sense that I was a ridiculous, childish, clumsy person because of feeling that while she loved me, she didn't respect me or appreciate certain things that I valued about myself. The subtle condescention 'oh how cute, you're optimistic'. The citicism of my technique when I did something my own way rather than carefully following the directions. The impatience with being less organized, forgetful, or not having a sense of time. All of this told me she thought I was broken.

Frequently I felt like she was making a big deal and panicking over things that really didn't matter all that much in the grand scheme of things. So we're 10 minutes later than you'd planned to the family gathering - does it really matter? So the cups are not in perfect matched up rows in the cupboard - does it really matter? so he's going to get his birthday card a few days later because I forgot to buy stamps - does it really matter? Just relax, remember in the grand scheme of things this is small.

Also my mom tended to assume that my failiure in these areas reflected that I didn't care about her or respect her - which was definately not the case. I got sick of hearing "If you really cared you would remember" because that is just completely not true. I would love to remember everything at the right moment, but try as I might I can't, and usually it's the most important things that ecape my mind while all kinds of random trivia flies around in it against my will. Even when I follow her suggestions - like making lists and leaving notes for myself - I can't remember to look at the note at the right time. The same with organization. Messyness doesn't mean we don't care about things or don't care that it's inconvenient for you. Most likely we haven't even noticed that the mess is there, or that someone would consider that a mess or would find it inconvenient. It is something we can work on trying to remember for someone else's sake if they let us know it really matters to them, but it's an uphill battle and you can't expect instant success. It's important to appreciate how much the INFP is trying to go out of the way to accomodate requests for neatness and schedualing, even though they are things you might consider natural and take for granted.

When it comes to the emotional tidal waves here's my advice:
Basically a vent/melt-down can be translated: I feel alone and hopeless and want to know you don't hate me and think I'm pathetic too. So the obvious answer to this is: No I don't hate you, you're not alone, you're not the only person to have this same problem.

Just let her vent. In my experience I just need to let out a bunch of feelings, and will probably say things I don't exactly mean, and all I want is someone to just listen and say 'yeah that's hard' or 'sorry that happened' or something very basic like that. After I'm done letting out all the feelings, I regain my ability to think clearly and often don't need help solving my own problem, unless I specifically ask for suggestions. You'll probably want to jump in with the logical solution to the problem, because ISTJs are great at that, but that's not what the INFP needs while in the grip of a melt-down. Dealing with the emotions is the first step of solving the problem and requires venting from me and some 'validation' from someone else. Then facing the actual problem is the seccond step.

Don't assume she's unable to think rationally. Don't cut across a venting session with tech-support answers. Honnestly, this was one of the land-mines with my mom. If I've reached the melt-down stage it means I've already thought about this from many angles and have tried hard to solve the issue. When she'd come in with all the same suggestions I'd already tried which didn't work it was essentially like rubbing in how hopeless my problem was. So of course it didn't help, it just made me feel worse. You can ask what hasn't worked so far, but don't just jump in with the first solutions that come to mind because it's kind of like asking 'Is it plugged in?' Yes, and thank you so much for insulting my intelligence :P Granted sometimes we really haven't thought of the obvious solution, but mentioning it when we're venting usually doesn't help anything.

Another thing to note is that a lot of times all those feelings aren't just from the one incident that set them off. It may look like over-reaction, but often for me whenever a negative feeling comes up it drags up all its friends with it, so I start remembering and feeling bad about everything all at once. It very litterally makes a mountain where there was orriginally just a mole hill. I'm often not THAT upset about any one given thing, but once the avalanche of despair or anger gets rolling it's very hard to stop it and stay focused on just one problem. This is very overwhelming for me, so I'm sure it is for others watching me too. Again, the key is to make sure the despairing INFP doesn't feel rejected and alone while facing all his demons at once.

[infpaul]

I lived with an ISTJ for a few years and I think the whole 'rules/approved structure' thing drove me nuts. Unless I fitted into her 'system' (either based on the past/her father's way/read in a book) then my approach had little validity in her eyes. There was also the delivery of 'judgement' ie the very hard manner in which she'd give her opinion (usually to whatever didn't fit into her rule system). Sorry if this is coming across as a bit of a rant, I'm sure there are some lovely ISTJs out there.

So positive suggestions for domestic harmony?

If anything is hacking you off about your INFP housemate (and it will) please deliver the news as a 'shit sandwich'. That is to say dress it up with some good stuff either side...for example 'hey INFP, I love the way we chill out of an evening snacking in front of the TV but I just wondered if you could help clear up some of the plates afterwards, oh and by the way I loved those muffins you bought!'. We need a bit of emotional cushioning around the hard truth sometimes.

If at any point your INFP explodes in an unexpected fury at something you've said or done, it's likely that it's be brewing for quite some time. Best approach? apologise for upsetting them and ask them about the things you've done that may have led to this (as per @Aelthwyn's last paragraph)

Always try and strive for a compromise rather than getting your INFP to understand your rule system (and why they should adhere to it). There will be situations that arise for which there is not a happy solution for either party, in which case you've just got to find the least worst option rather than pushing a right/wrong discussion.

[kyliecarefree]

My brother is an ISTJ, and I've often felt exactly the same way as you when it comes to NFs - seriously confused, and left "scratching my head". I spent many years speaking to him as little as possible because I inferred and believed many things about him that ended up being the opposite of the truth. To this day I'm about as good at predicting him as I am predicting lottery numbers (and vice versa), which puts a hamper on the relatability and ease of our relationship. Our modes of thinking are very different, which is to be expected. What I assume from a loose statement or an action is quite often the opposite of what he assumes.

Because we're so different, communication is key. It's only after we began talking that our beliefs about one another began to unravel and change. Tell your roommate to communicate with you when something bothers her or when she perceives any negativity in the relationship. With more communication, the misunderstandings, irritations, and differences in point of view that result in emotional 180s and conflict become much less likely. INFPs, I think, may also tend to read too much into things, so that might also be another problem. Making it clear that you have no ill will against her (which is something I assumed of my brother) and being empathetic can further reduce misunderstandings and make her more comfortable with you as well.

The excess of emotion and emotional 180s also sound like they could be a result of stress, in which case I would again recommend empathy. Sometimes it may not be about you at all - she could just be feeling crappy.

[infpaul]

Thats real good advice @kyliecarefree

It always amazed me that when I spoke to my ISTJ with the bluntness she delivered to me, she'd get real upset. The empathy is something they have to work at. Can I suggest as an ISTJ you give a few moments thought of how you'd feel if what you're about to say was delivered to you in the manner you're about to say it.

Again sorry if it sounds like an an unintentional anti-ISTJ rant.

[2agc2]

My brother is an ISTJ. He is a proud utiltarian, and likes to believe emotions are useless (even though he definetly has them). Luckily, we have a good relationship, with a lot of communication based on teasing and kidding around, particularly because we see the world through such different lenses. He becomes amused, not irritated, by my occasional emotional outbursts (which I truly only keep to those I am very close with...if an INFP is having an emotional outburst with you, I would imagine there is some level of trust there). I guess I would just suggest trying to be understanding (as previous posters have mentioned). Honestly, I'm exhausted when I come home at the end of the day. Life is just really tiring sometimes, and I need my space and quiet when I get home. There are certain topics that, when I'm tired, make me cranky talking about... schedules, cleaning, sensory oriented details... I can deal with them quite well when rested, but for instance, when my stepdad tries to discuss calendar or time related details in the early morning, I feel like exploding. I can paint in the morning. I can talk about literature in the morning. I can be in class in the morning. I cannot deal with highly sensor information when I first wake up. Its like a brain overload. For me personally, alone time, creative time, reading time, etc, seems to "heal" the frayed edges of my mind, like sleeping seems to do. When I'm tired, I feel "raw", which makes me more sensitive and less able to navigate. Are there any sspecific situations that seem to trigger crankiness or over-sensitivity from your INFP roommate? I agree with other posters that communication is really important.

[ForsakenMe]

My daddy is an ISTJ. Boy, it was quite hard living with him when I was a TEENAGE INFP. But now that I'm older and have been trying to work on my Si and Te functions, things are much better now. He and I would talk, debate, and joke around with each other. There are still a few times where we revert to nasty fights, but it's not as often as it used to be.

When the INFP gets emotional, leave them alone. We need room and space to get things in order when we get overly emotional, and try not to let it get to you. It's got nothing to do more so than your INFP friend being overwhelmed by her own emotions.

Realize her good points and talk about it to her. Like, her artistic talents, or how helpful she is of others. That's sweet sweet music to our ears when we are praised and noticed for those kinds of things. :)

[HappyThoughts]

My dads an ISTJ and all he does is complain and bicker about responsibility and cleanliness. He has good intentions, and tries to raise his children right, but he does it wrong. Infps need to be able to feel safe without stepping on someones expectations and not having to worry about walking on egg shells constantly. I dont know if you are in any situation similar to this, but if you are, step back and let her live without expectations on her shoulders for a while, Im sure her mood will improve significantly.