[Hypersensitivity]

Have you ever felt so deep into depression you don't want to feel better? I have enough of my wits about me to realize that this isn't healthy, and I've been reading a lot about how to cope with depression, but I can't bring myself to do those things-- at least not wholeheartedly. I want to feel better... but I don't. It scares me to think that way, because then who knows how long I could live like this. Do you know what I mean?

[setzer]

Have you ever felt so deep into depression you don't want to feel better? I have enough of my wits about me to realize that this isn't healthy, and I've been reading a lot about how to cope with depression, but I can't bring myself to do those things-- at least not wholeheartedly. I want to feel better... but I don't. It scares me to think that way, because then who knows how long I could live like this. Do you know what I mean?

This scares me. When I'm at my worst I take annoyance with everyone and everything. Even happiness...
I know how you feel because I'm in the same place several times a year.
I used to be feel much worse but no one knew.
Find someone to talk to!

[ohnoezitsjoez]

I do something that the only way I know how to describe is "emotionally cutting." Instead of actually cutting, you "cut" mentally/emotionally by dwelling on certain thoughts. It serves kind of the same purpose.

I wonder if depression is subject to a kind of stockholm syndrome? I wouldnt know what it would be like to not be depressed (though within the last year I believe I have been afforded a handful of glorious albeit very very brief glimpses of what life could be, what I could be, if things were different).

[Incorporeal]

I don't consider myself depressed, but I'm certainly unhappy and relate to the experience of not wanting to feel better.

I mean, intellectually I would obviously prefer to be happy rather than unhappy, but I experience contrary inertia . . . an unwillingness to actually do anything other than what I've always done (which obviously isn't working).

Motivation has always been a challenge for me, and at issue here is that I don't believe, as a practical matter, that feeling differently is within my power. With this in mind, it's unsurprising that I should conclude: why bother? I'd rather avoid the resultant discomfort and energy demands of a more proactive approach in light of its futility.

[RoughEstimate]

There's so much more stability in stark depression.
Being content can fluctuate within the blink of an eye, but being at the bottom of a well is concrete in more sense than one.

[Mav_]

I know what you mean. I also know that books, people nor sympathy will help. I don't know what your life is like but I'll tell you how I overcame depression. I realized that I was at a crossroad between life or death. I chose life and vigorously spent every waking moment doing something productive to get out of that nasty rut i put myself in. It wasn't about trying to overcome the depression but more about survival. Don't settle with being content. Don't settle at all. Move as much as you can and when you are bored of something move on to the next. Everyone knows what it is that will make them happy. Set your goals and stop dwelling on all the bullshit. Let it go or ignore it if you have to. And if you can't that's fine also but just make sure that you are always moving towards the goals that will make you happy. Eventually your thinking patterns will change.

Remember one last thing, fuck everyone else. Their needs are your last priority. What they say or what they think doesn't matter. The only person that matters is you. The only thing you should fear in life is sitting in a room alone dwelling on negative thoughts. Be strong.

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”

Albert Einstein

[Killbain]

@Hypersensitivity

Be very careful with this. Depression is a serious illness, just one you can't see. What you need is support, in exactly the way someone with a physical injury needs support albeit administered differently.

Please approach a doctor or therapist if you haven't already done so - trying to cope alone and reading about coping strategies will not cut it and there really is no need to feel like you do for any longer than is necessary to overcome this vile condition - it can be beaten.

[Aizar]

It's like validation, I think. But also because your depression is doing something for you, so you hold on to it. What is it doing for you? What need is it satisfying? Answer that, then figure out some other way you can get that same thing.

[Hypersensitivity]

Thanks for the input! I also found a really enlightening article on Psychology Today's website called "What you did is not okay! And I am staying depressed to prove it!" that I found helpful.

[mikki104]

@Hypersensitivity

That is a very interesting article, thanks for sharing.

This is my depression experience, don't know if it will help at all, but here goes:

I was depressed for years as a teenager, but have not been for a long time (Thank God). When I was depressed I frankly didn't care enough to try to NOT be depressed. Lying in bed all day was so much easier. I don't know if I would have stopped being depressed if some major parts of my life hadn't changed, because pulling myself out of it on my own seemed impossible and futile and, like you said, there was something comforting in my depression. I was defensive of it, like it was an actual part of my own identity, just the way I was, and abandoning it seemed like abandoning part of who I was.

I am glad to report that I am so much more than my depression :).

The first part of getting over it was physically getting away from certain triggers (people, places) which brought out the worst in me and which I reacted to by playing and replaying all the worst parts of my life over and over in my head (much of which dealt with abuse). I replaced them with new ideas, new people, and new things to do.

The next part was dealing with the emotional ups-and-downs, crazy mood swings, and confusing breakdowns that kept happening as I emerged out of it (I didn't really realize I had been depressed, or maybe I would have understood that I was still dealing with the emergence process. If I'd known I think it would have helped greatly). During this part of my life I was better since I felt happiness from time to time, but because I wasn't ALWAYS happy, was actually pretty unstable and was prone to breakdowns, I felt like something was wrong with me that was actually ME, and not part of what I had been through. This made it even worse in some ways. Thinking I was crazy because I wasn't always happy and everyone else around was sucked. And taking out my anger or confusion on, say, an SO, made it even worse as major relationships fell apart due to my emotionality, and I didn't understand why and blamed myself and my own fits of irrationality and negativity.

So the next part of it was eventually realizing that I don't have to hate myself or feel pathetic for feeling negative or down sometimes, for needing time alone, or for strong feelings of hate or regret. I had labeled this feeling of rage and sadness inside me "The Beast," and I learned that the beast needed to be expressed, not ignored, and dealt with in some manner proactively, ON PURPOSE, and not when it chose to break out on its own. At this point I imagine therapy probably would have helped, but I never really thought about it. An important experience or two also helped me put my life in perspective and realize that it could have been so, so much worse, and also how much beauty and joy there is in it even amidst despair (umm, try traveling to Sub-Saharan Africa and still feeling sorry for yourself. I dare you.)

A lot of the work I have done since then deals with translating my anger or disgust with the world into sadness and expressing it, along with trying to genuinely forgive certain people and realize that they have struggled with difficulties in their life too, and taking steps to be a better person while still liking myself for who I am. Stopped being resentful, or feeling like I was totally out of control of my own life (though I recognize too that there are some things you can't control). Things that I would have raged about or processed through my Ni over and over again to no avail, I just cry about now. Simpler, and more effective, to let yourself feel an emotion, and then let it pass, without self-hate, other-hate, or blame. Trying to be proactive and to see the little beautiful things in life. I have found much peace through trying to help other people in worse situations than what I've been through.

My life and emotional state is so much better now. SO MUCH BETTER! It is worth the letting go, though it is a long and not-so-easy process, and different for every individual.

Good luck... find your hope in the Pandora's box of it all, and hang on to it.