[elissabowden]

I'm wondering, if, as INFJs, you've ever been obsessed about how you look physically over how you appear to people mentally..and if you've ever grown out of this.

My sister is an INFJ and everything that comes out of her mouth is "He's ugly, she has bad style, I'm just so beautiful". I know she has depth in there, but I'm wanting to know if this is a phase all INFJs go through or if this is just something she has a problem with. I'm so sick of it too.

Also, she's obsessed with getting revenge on someone. She will deny it, but it's pretty flipping obvious and childish.

Please tell me there is hope. I have to live in the same house with her for a while longer and I don't think I can stand it anymore.

Or someone tell me how I can deal with her. I know it's suprising that an INFP and an INFJ can't get along very well, but I'm just hoping something will click in her brain to the point where she goes "I don't need a boyfriend. Life is so much more than that." Or something more than just skin deep beauty.

[thehigher]

I'm wondering, if, as INFJs, you've ever been obsessed about how you look physically over how you appear to people mentally..and if you've ever grown out of this.

My sister is an INFJ and everything that comes out of her mouth is "He's ugly, she has bad style, I'm just so beautiful". I know she has depth in there, but I'm wanting to know if this is a phase all INFJs go through or if this is just something she has a problem with. I'm so sick of it too.

Also, she's obsessed with getting revenge on someone. She will deny it, but it's pretty flipping obvious and childish.

Please tell me there is hope. I have to live in the same house with her for a while longer and I don't think I can stand it anymore.

Or someone tell me how I can deal with her. I know it's suprising that an INFP and an INFJ can't get along very well, but I'm just hoping something will click in her brain to the point where she goes "I don't need a boyfriend. Life is so much more than that." Or something more than just skin deep beauty.

That's really weird. Hmm...OK well...I was going to say my INFJ friend NEVER does this...but then he came over and started reading what you said and said with great enthusiasm "I DO THAT TOO". haha so apparently my response was gonna suck. Sorry.

[elissabowden]

That's really weird. Hmm...OK well...I was going to say my INFJ friend NEVER does this...but then he came over and started reading what you said and said with great enthusiasm "I DO THAT TOO". haha so apparently my response was gonna suck. Sorry.

LOL. WOW, I just laughed really hard.

Anyway, so um...no advice?

[thehigher]

LOL. WOW, I just laughed really hard.

Anyway, so um...no advice?

haha well I know for a fact he used to say things like that more when he was younger. We would be driving and he would say "hey look at the fat chick over there!". So I think she'll grow out of it.

[EvilByte]

It might have to do with the Fe + Ni combination and a lack of self-confidence. Especially when young, an INFJ doesn't always have strong or even mild self-confidence, because they're far removed from the ordinary expectations of "normal" people.

Because of high Fe, an INFJ will try to assimilate into the culture around them using their Ni to pick up what others expect them to say as if they were a normal person. In middle and high school, there is an expectation to be mean, self-centered/egotistical, to prey on the weak and to insult and demoralize those with whom you do not belong socially. Ni is constantly trying to understand how others work, and the Fe allows the INFJ to act whatever part seems to suit their situation best at the time. For middle/high school this means a lot of cruelty and meanness.

This could be especially prevalent if there is no one to understand the INFJ for who he/she is. I always felt completely alone and separate from others, as I never knew or spoke to other INFJs or even INTJs. Seeing the world through Ni and not having anyone else who does the same can be a harrowing and lonely experience, especially for an entire lifetime.

It took me a very long time to develop myself and my self confidence to a point where I would stop acting the part just to be agreeable. I wanted to make my friends happy, even if those friends were really just people I saw occasionally and talked to at school. I didn't really have close friends until highschool.

Finding friends who believe in the same things you do and value you as a person, not as an act, is incredibly important in developing maturity for an INFJ. Without understanding, an INFJ will stay completely alone, or continue acting a lonely part, with potentially very negative results over long periods of time.

Generally, as the people around her mature more in general, she will follow suit, until she finds those who will allow her to be her true self. Then she might develop a great deal in a very short amount of time.

I found that the tumult and fury left my heart when I finally found some self confidence and a core group of friends who really cared about me for me, even if they didn't understand me perfectly.

I guess the best advice I have for you is to wait and hope for the best. Be empathetic, sympathetic and kind; an INFJ will always notice this and appreciate it, even if he/she doesn't say anything. It's also a *very* bad decision to tell an INFJ he/she is a bad person/making morally incorrect decisions. Because her morals are always steadfast and strong, even if she's "skirting around them" in order to act the way she does. She doesn't really hate the people she's insulting, but she probably feels pretty unfairly treated by the world, and this is just one way to lash back.

I was big into revenge for a long time, and probably still am quite a bit. I just have a desire for moral fairness. And love is always a huge thing for me; being loved and loving someone else. So if she's always looking for a boyfriend when she doesn't have one, that wouldn't surprise me at all.

[thegirlcandance]

Can't say that I've ever said stuff that your sister has, but I see a similarity in myself - and as EvilByte said that it has a lot to do with the Ni and Fe combination. When our Fe works for our Ni it can turn out bad because we trust in our Ni so much and trust it to be right.

I try to watch myself or try keep such thoughts to myself as much as possible (unless its really bottling up and that Fe needs validation). I have said I guess criticizing others so I feel better, for example, "She keeps gaining weight - but I'm losing... I swear I'm half the size of her now!" or "I'm devoted, caring, loving and don't ever complain at the guy I'm dating... yet I get dumped and she's engaged while she never lets him do anything", etc.

I think the Fe makes it in our nature to look at how we appear physically and mentally to others because I really can't see myself ever eliminating that completely (though I have sometimes wished)... but its really depends on whether we control it and keep it to ourselves as needed and learn to keep our Ni and Fe more separate. It's certainly a challenge.