[Joelle]

This is a persistent problem I've had in my life and I wonder if any of other other INFJs can sympathize.

I have this really weird habit of starting to care about guys MORE the longer I'm away from them rather than less. It's happened several times that I've dated a guy for a couple of months during which I wasn't super-excited about the relationship, but then either I end it or they do, and during the month or two after the breakup (during which time we're not talking), I get sad and fantasize about getting back together with them.

This happens with guys I'm actually dating, too. I'll be hanging out with them and will just be "eh" about them, but then if I go without seeing them for a week, I'll be missing them and convinced I like them a lot more than I actually do, and then when I see them again, I'm reminded that I'm not actually all that interested in them.

I have no idea why I do this. Does anyone else have this happen to them? Honestly, it's almost like guys seem a lot more "perfect" when they aren't actually around!

[Kaly]

Sadly, I can recognize myself in your every word. I think I am crazy because of that, none of my girlfriends has that problem... I hate it! Can't wait to hear some clever, little INFJ about this... guys, what's wrong with us? :(

[how do you feel]

I have that exact problem too :(

[Lape Snape]

Have you heard about that psychologists call animus? It is our imaginary perfect partner. Everyone has it(sometimes uncounsciously). The thing is, that when we meet a person, who has some similarities with our animus, we authomatically cover all his original personality traits with our imaginary ones. That it is why partner looks so perfect at the begining of the relationship. Later on, we get know person better and he becomes less attractive(because we realize that he is not perfect). You might feel disappointed and break up with your partner. After that you forget about the real personality of your ex and, again, think he was the one. But it is just your brains making fun of you ;)

[Kaly]

Is there an easy (or any other way) to break this terrible circle?
Please, don't just say to tell myself it's all in my head, it doesn't work... :D

[Joelle]

Have you heard about that psychologists call animus? It is our imaginary perfect partner. Everyone has it(sometimes uncounsciously). The thing is, that when we meet a person, who has some similarities with our animus, we authomatically cover all his original personality traits with our imaginary ones. That it is why partner looks so perfect at the begining of the relationship. Later on, we get know person better and he becomes less attractive(because we realize that he is not perfect). You might feel disappointed and break up with your partner. After that you forget about the real personality of your ex and, again, think he was the one. But it is just your brains making fun of you ;)

That's very interesting. No, I hadn't heard of that. It makes sense, though. Maybe a product of my living too much in my own head? That is, my being more interested in my abstract ideal (which I'm projecting onto the guy that's not around) than I am interested in the concrete reality of the guy in front of me?

I wish I knew how to deal with this better. I'm tired of getting MORE devastated as time wears on rather than less when relationships are over. My last breakup (if you can even call it that, we only dated for a few months and were never officially boyfriend/girlfriend) I had fantasies about contacting and getting back together with basically right up until I met the guy I'm dating now (who I might be about to break up with). If I do end up breaking up with this guy, I'd really like to think of a way not to go through this again. We've only been dating 3 months, and he's been unavailable for most of it (hence, why I might be about to break up with him) and really is not worth months of crying over.

[curious0610]

absence makes the heart grow stronger? but seriously, i have the same problem.

[LiquidLight]

Yea the thought about animus is a very good one because so much of the reasons people get together/break up is because of how people live up (or don't live up) to our own expectations of them. Sometimes its easier to live in the fantasy of the person (what you project them to be) rather than the real person, who will inevitably fall short of your expectations from time to time. Thinking about someone from a past frame of reference allows you to idealize that person and remove the parts that are inconsistent or make you feel bad.

[Iselia]

Honestly, I think this is more of a case of not knowing what you want.

[Ash_Whitewolf]

Honestly, I think this is more of a case of not knowing what you want.

I agree with that statement. If you're infatuated with someone, you might want to ask yourself what about them you like and what you hope to achieve from the relationship. I had this same problem a little while ago, and yet I'm still trying to figure out if I read the situation right and acted appropriately or if I should have given it more time.