[jadedtortoise]

I realize that our personalities, memories, interests evolve over time; but what do you do when you feel like you've just *stopped* and are unraveling?


I'm currently 21 and I've been on this down-ward spiral for for almost 3 years. I am a ghost compared to who I was when I was < 18 yrs. I used to be vibrant, energetic, out-going, pleasant, funny, and well-liked. Further more, I actually engaged in hobbies such as reading, painting, photography, socializing, etc regularly.

Ever since, leaving my *niche* in high school, I've managed to lose myself... completely. All confidence is gone, and motivation has ceased to exist. I don't paint/take photos, socialize (at all), read much, and I feel exhausted often. I feel my opinions are out-dated, and that I haven't been exercising myself intellectually, socially, spiritually, etc. I don't know how to fix this growing void, or what direction to take.



How does one go any direction, when you have basically become numb? I want to change, even if its just baby steps. I need help.

[stayawake]

It sounds like what you are going through is very painful! My thoughts are with you today, and prayers too for what it's worth to you.

Something similar happened to me, after I had had two children and I felt like the person I knew myself to be was completely gone. Part of me just kept trying to be what other people needed me to be, and I kept putting away the things that made me 'me'. I wouldn't let other people see my fun silly self, I just kept wanting them to like me so much I would turn into anything I thought they might like, and in the process everyone saw me as inauthentic, and I wound up hating myself. All my friends from university had moved away, and I wasn't socializing with anyone, I had these two kids who were draining me, and I was''t getting much in return. I would wake up and feel empty and wish I could go back to sleep. My friends had never been a huge huge part in my life anyway, but a couple of things happened that helped me get out of this.
I was diagnosed with a thyroid deficiency, and it was explained to me that I probably had been feeling symptoms of depression with the way my hormones were working. On thyroid meds, I changed dramatically. (I'm not saying this is the issue for you, just that sometimes there are chemical problems in our body that need to be fixed for us to feel like ourselves again - and it may not mean going on anti depressants, either!). A little later, my husband (who I LOVE) had to go on a three week business trip, and I was by myself. I was out at the store and decided on a whim to pick up some art supplies... and with all that time he was away I started listening to music I hadn't listened to in years, I started painting and making fabric batik, I started watching shows that *I* used to love, and doing the more I made my life feel like 'me' the more happy I became. It wasn't my husband who stopped me from doing these things, I just felt guilty taking time for myself before. He loves the changes in me!! He says I'm back to who I used to be. It was little things like that. For instance, in the last year I've read over 50 books, and in the year before that I maybe read 5... the year before that I maybe didn't read any? Life just got tastier. I don't know how to describe it! And this summer, I made a few amazing new friends. Probably because I was allowing myself to be myself, instead of pretending all the time.

It sounds to me like your life in highschool was a huge part of your identity, and now it might be time to recreate that. I just shared my story as one example of how there is life after this experience - this growing void as you say. I think some practical steps might be to go and make yourself do something you used to love... take a photography class, or join a book club (or start one!). It sounds cheesy, but things like this help you get outside yourself, start receiving positive interaction from others, and feeling like you're back in your own skin.

[jadedtortoise]

It sounds like what you are going through is very painful! My thoughts are with you today, and prayers too for what it's worth to you.

Something similar happened to me, after I had had two children and I felt like the person I knew myself to be was completely gone. Part of me just kept trying to be what other people needed me to be, and I kept putting away the things that made me 'me'. I wouldn't let other people see my fun silly self, I just kept wanting them to like me so much I would turn into anything I thought they might like, and in the process everyone saw me as inauthentic, and I wound up hating myself. All my friends from university had moved away, and I wasn't socializing with anyone, I had these two kids who were draining me, and I was''t getting much in return. I would wake up and feel empty and wish I could go back to sleep. My friends had never been a huge huge part in my life anyway, but a couple of things happened that helped me get out of this.
I was diagnosed with a thyroid deficiency, and it was explained to me that I probably had been feeling symptoms of depression with the way my hormones were working. On thyroid meds, I changed dramatically. (I'm not saying this is the issue for you, just that sometimes there are chemical problems in our body that need to be fixed for us to feel like ourselves again - and it may not mean going on anti depressants, either!). A little later, my husband (who I LOVE) had to go on a three week business trip, and I was by myself. I was out at the store and decided on a whim to pick up some art supplies... and with all that time he was away I started listening to music I hadn't listened to in years, I started painting and making fabric batik, I started watching shows that *I* used to love, and doing the more I made my life feel like 'me' the more happy I became. It wasn't my husband who stopped me from doing these things, I just felt guilty taking time for myself before. He loves the changes in me!! He says I'm back to who I used to be. It was little things like that. For instance, in the last year I've read over 50 books, and in the year before that I maybe read 5... the year before that I maybe didn't read any? Life just got tastier. I don't know how to describe it! And this summer, I made a few amazing new friends. Probably because I was allowing myself to be myself, instead of pretending all the time.

It sounds to me like your life in highschool was a huge part of your identity, and now it might be time to recreate that. I just shared my story as one example of how there is life after this experience - this growing void as you say. I think some practical steps might be to go and make yourself do something you used to love... take a photography class, or join a book club (or start one!). It sounds cheesy, but things like this help you get outside yourself, start receiving positive interaction from others, and feeling like you're back in your own skin.

I'm so glad that this doesn't need to be my WHOLE life. Your words hit close to home!! Its inspiring to know that I'm not alone AND you beat your demons (totally envious over here :P)

This is going to be hard :( I have a nagging suspicion that I MAY have depression, but I'm having a hard time coming to terms with that specifically, because it makes me feel like a weakling that I have fallen into a hole and can't physically get out. The idea of telling anyone, especially family terrifies me.

*sigh* I think I may need to address that problem first, before I try and rekindle any passion for ... life? Maybe then i'll be able to be excited about reading again (I think thats what I miss most honestly)

[inscribed]

Self-compassion, mate -- radical compassion.

Your profile says you're a 3; it sounds like in high school you were caught up in and invigorated by the tides of your social group, and the culture there. Maybe you relied on external things to give you a connection to yourself, and while you had a strong connection, it was vital and powerful and good. But when that way of expressing yourself ended, you were left with no way to outwardly "be" yourself, and that's when you began losing touch with who you really were on the inside.

Our inner crises happen because we need to address whatever problem is at the center of them. Your life belongs to you. Even if someone can provide an answer for you, what is needed is the ability to find it yourself, day to day, year to year. It's the art of knowing what you need, what's right for you, what you feel pulled to do. And I think that's the very heart of type 3. Not just being who people expect you to be, not just an outer "identity" -- oh the title of this thread! -- but an inner SELF. Being who you deeply, internally know and feel that you NEED to be.

I think this is about hearing yourself -- and letting yourself speak. Emotions are how a very deep and important part of you speaks. We all need space and permission to be unhappy, if that's what we feel; permission to be upset; permission to be numb, even. But at the same time remaining conscious, keeping a compassionate-friend part of yourself awake to notice what happens -- and to not be impressed by it. ("Even though there's a lot of sadness here, that doesn't necessarily mean the world is TRULY a horrible place and everything is hopeless. Feelings don't always tell the truth about reality. That isn't their purpose. What can I learn by hearing out this sadness? What clues or messages could it have for me?") When you allow feelings to happen, there's less resistance in your mind. And by staying conscious of the process, you can learn more about those feelings and the needs behind them. With permission, spaciousness and self-compassion, a new dimension unfolds, a place that can be filled with insight and understanding.

The things that you can learn about yourself through interacting with this situation, and the attitudes you can develop, and the deep wisdom that will eventually come of it -- they'll stay with you for the rest of your life.

It is the beginning: the threshold of conscious, true-self living. Or it could be, if you choose.

All that said, it does sound like you may be depressed. A good therapist can really help in figuring these things out; and feeling better while doing so, by way of anti-depressants, can be super helpful -- especially since you've been in this state for so long. Imagine quitting smoking: there's still plenty of work to be done with emotions and behavior patterns, if you want it to stick -- "why did I start smoking? What does it give me now?" -- but using a nicotine gum or patch, to interrupt the physical habit, can make the difference in being able to keep at it or not. To put it another way, if your brain is stuck in "depression" gear, it's not weakness to use some oil to help it ease back out -- or to go see a specialist (like a mechanic!..for your mind).

But, naturally, your reasons for this resistance to the idea are your own... I would say, though, that whatever challenging or scary things you want/need/decide to do, like telling your family, it is TOTALLY worthwhile to try and figure out how to make that hard thing easier. Telling only one kind, sensitive person first, for example, so that you feel like you have someone on your side even if they can't functionally help; or writing it in a letter if you prefer, or telling them in a place or situation that would make you more comfortable with it.

Your needs are valid, and your feelings are valid. Anyone who says that you "don't need" help, or "it's not that bad," or otherwise dismisses your experience -- they're out of line, not you. You deserve to feel better and be happy, period. And I really hope you do.

[Master Wolf]

Hey its only been 3 years? Took me like, 11! Lol

I spent the last decade looking for shortcuts to motivation (that thing for identifying ways to improve and doing them)

And i actually found a shortcut, just recently, after a long journey. (wrote about it somewhat in the link on the bottom of my sig)

And that shortcut IS>.... TA DA!!!!

"There are no shortcuts"

I know, its messed up! Unfortunately for me, I wouldnt take that on faith, or trust anyone to tell me. I was "smarter" than everyone. Still am, jk, obviously not, since im so screwed up O-o

Stop rambling to yourself Adam, you'll lower the credibility of the post you are trying to make.

No i want (spelling error), how about you stfu. :o

Gtfo.

Now ur copying my 4 letter scheme.

I'll steal ur cat.

Uh.. ive got nothing.

Yea i know, cuz i stole it.

U know, this is how dismissive and dependent personalities are made.

Someone gets lucky, makes the first theft, gets a superior position and never gives it up, you bast***.

Im going to stop now.

Who, me or you?

Oh god.

[jadedtortoise]

Hey its only been 3 years? Took me like, 11! Lol

I spent the last decade looking for shortcuts to motivation (that thing for identifying ways to improve and doing them)

And i actually found a shortcut, just recently, after a long journey. (wrote about it somewhat in the link on the bottom of my sig)

And that shortcut IS>.... TA DA!!!!

"There are no shortcuts"

I know, its messed up! Unfortunately for me, I wouldnt take that on faith, or trust anyone to tell me. I was "smarter" than everyone. Still am, jk, obviously not, since im so screwed up O-o

Stop rambling to yourself Adam, you'll lower the credibility of the post you are trying to make.

No i want (spelling error), how about you stfu. :o

Gtfo.

Now ur copying my 4 letter scheme.

I'll steal ur cat.

Uh.. ive got nothing.

Yea i know, cuz i stole it.

U know, this is how dismissive and dependent personalities are made.

Someone gets lucky, makes the first theft, gets a superior position and never gives it up, you bast***.

Im going to stop now.

Who, me or you?

Oh god.

Hehehe, firstly my cat would not let you steal him!! and secondly, I know what you mean I too am stubborn and have been *trying* to find that elusive shortcut, regardless of what any nay-sayers have been telling me (for years). But tragically, the route I'm on is kind of going nowhere :( 3 years of aimless wandering, only to have it lead to the one place I didn't want to go... the truth. D:

[Master Wolf]

Hehehe, firstly my cat would not let you steal him!! and secondly, I know what you mean I too am stubborn and have been *trying* to find that elusive shortcut, regardless of what any nay-sayers have been telling me (for years). But tragically, the route I'm on is kind of going nowhere :( 3 years of aimless wandering, only to have it lead to the one place I didn't want to go... the truth. D:

Bwahaha. Well I really like your snails if that helps at all. :) :D

O-o o_- :D

Oh but there is a plus side to being depressed though. When you come out of it, you can help other people that were in the same situation with the knowledge of what you learned about coping with it and coming out of it. :)

lots a stuff to talk about concerning this really yup

[jadedtortoise]

Bwahaha. Well I really like your snails if that helps at all. :) :D

O-o o_- :D

Oh but there is a plus side to being depressed though. When you come out of it, you can help other people that were in the same situation with the knowledge of what you learned about coping with it and coming out of it. :)

lots a stuff to talk about concerning this really yup

Haha, lots to look forward to basically. :P

[stayawake]

There is hope. :) I think the first two questions you need to answer are "do you think you have a problem" and "do you want to get better"? Sometimes, the sadness or the emptinesss or the hollowness felt comforting, I was nearly addicted to it. I didn't even remember what 'happy' or 'fulfilled' or a feeling of belonging felt like. You do deserve better, and healthy is possible again.

[jadedtortoise]

There is hope. :) I think the first two questions you need to answer are "do you think you have a problem" and "do you want to get better"? Sometimes, the sadness or the emptinesss or the hollowness felt comforting, I was nearly addicted to it. I didn't even remember what 'happy' or 'fulfilled' or a feeling of belonging felt like. You do deserve better, and healthy is possible again.

I believe I do have a problem, that addiction you describe is starting to wear off a bit. I actually for a long while started to hate people who were happier then me, I thought they were being smug, and hording all the happiness to themselves. But I guess happiness isn't an object to envy, more like sunlight... of which I need, and its starting to even now feel a little easier to say.