[Ren10]

An ISTP and I fell hard and fast for each other last year. I'd say in the beginning he was the one pursuing me (I tend to rush into relationships, but dang did he want to rush things and be with me like everyday), but once I was hooked I'm sure I pursued the hell out of him.

If you have never dated an ISTP before, I've got to warn you that he will try your patience. I think my ISTP ex and I could be a great couple if we were both more patient, mature, and older (I was 21, he was 23). In the beginning he was pretty needy (which is surprising since *I'm* always the needy one) but I guess the infatuation wore off because I found it more difficult to spend time with him... he didn't want to make time for me. Eventually we found ways to compromise but it was more like I was the only one compromising. During the honeymoon stage he was very caring, listened to me whenever we disagreed, and comforted me if I was upset. It became the opposite after some months; we constantly fought like cats and dogs about stupid stuff. I often had to compromise myself and the things I cared about just to spend time with him. I put in so much effort into the relationship and hardly received anything in return.

When we weren't fighting, we had fun together. We didn't even need to actually do anything in order to have fun. Just being together was enough. Cuddling was so much fun. Sex was hot and amazing. There's a lust we have for each other that I cannot describe in words. We have the same taste in music and movies. We "get" each other; we understood each other's flirting and jokes. Boy did we always make each other laugh. We also love to play the same sport.

He struggled with his time priorities; me or his hobbies. I could not understand why it was that difficult considering how I only came during the weekend and spent a day with him and why he couldn't just do his hobbies during the other 6 days of the week? But maybe that's just me... that is a problem we never figured out. I think he's just going through a "bachelor" phase or something in life right now.

We broke up after 9 months but got back together a week later. He was the perfect boyfriend when we got back together. I'm not sure what changed, but he was so loving, attentive, caring, he actually wanted to spend time with me, and sex was still amazing. After a few months he withdrew and stopped wanting to spend any time with me. I have no idea why he didn't want me around but it hurt me and I became very upset about it. We went on vacation together but I spent more time with his friends or on my computer than I did with him. After our vacation, he again chose his computer over me, which really upset me because he was the one who wanted me to change my work schedule in order to see him (and we were in a LDR). Anyway we broke up over that, harassed each other for months after our break up, and who knows what we are now. He says he still loves me but we can't be together. I wish things didn't turn out this way but that's just how it is. *Shrug*

OMG this post really resonated with me, it almost exactly describes a realtionship I've been having for the last year with an ISTJ/P. He was very needy initially which I sometimes found quite smothering but in a strange way it was also reassuring because I can be quite insecure in the early stages of a relationship when I'm learning to trust someone. Then he went really cold and it totally threw me into an insecure panic that he'd gone off me but we wobbled through it for a while before I broke up with him because I couldn't handle it anymore. He begged me to get back together with him which was a big surprise because I'd been assuming he just didn't like me anymore given how cold he went. Anyway I got back with him and things were amazing for about a month or two - he was sweet, attentive, caring etc and then went cold again which caused me to break up with him and we went through the same process once more.

Then things were going ok but he recently broke up with me, saying he loves me but he doesn't think he can ever make me happy but we've stayed in contact lots and I couldn't define our relationship now but the uncertainty of it all has been quite stressful. I feel like I just need to know exactly where I am and what's going to happen but he seems completely stuck in this place where he can't be with me but can't let me go.

The times when we've been together and it's been working have been amazing, we have amazing fun and cuddles together he can be so caring and understanding but like you say I've often felt like I've wasted my time going to see him (we were in a LDR too!) because he seemed more interested in pursuing his hobbies than spending time with me. Also, particularly when he's stressed he just cannot seem to make a decision on anything and it drives me insane!

[ningyo]

I love ISTPs. The thing I love most about them is that they never stop making me laugh so freaking hard, though sometimes their dark humor goes way too far (and that's saying a lot, 'cause I can be pretty twisted myself).

Something I've noticed about myself and the INFJs close to me lately is we seem to do better and feel better when we're the ones doing the chasing, and ISTPs can be so freaking elusive it's not even funny. And your average fulfilled ISTP is highly worth chasing. XD The first ISTP I knew really well was dating an INFP friend of mine, and he taught himself to play classical piano by the time he was 14.

I basically agree with most of what the other INFJs have posted on here about how the process of attraction goes. I guess the only thing I can say is that something that might interfere with a relationship is that both types seem to need lots and lots of alone time spent in very specific ways to feel recharged, so unless we have the same interests it might be difficult to spend enough time together to really allow the relationship to thrive. Otherwise it seems like you get a scenario where the INFJ is always somewhat bitchy/distant and the ISTP is always choosing to be a pain in the ass in order to consistently get what s/he feels her/his needs "demand."

[cyamitide]

So I don't hear much if anything at all about INFJ's being smitten by ISTP's and vice versa. If any of you are or have been, please tell of how that turned out. Thanks!

INFJ-ISTP is 'activity' relations. General description and advice on how to make it work better: Activity Relations

[BronsenRhodes]

My type of women definantly tend to be SP's, usually ISTP's. I honestly hate it. All of the ISTP's I have dated have not been faithful to me, in very painful ways. the last girl I dated was an ISTP, and she was the most devious little girl I'd ever ment, she would just charm me with this illusion of innocence, and enthrall me with novelty and adventure. To be honest my greatest attraction to her was her sexual nature. Her extreme sense of curiosity towards sexual things, and her ability to be so much more aroused than other girls. I think my qualities of being an INFJ just can't seem to come to terms with her live in the moment attitude though. needless to say, It was not hard for her to have sex with other men, without my knowledge while we were dating. In retrospect I know she enjoyed being around me just as much I to her, she just wasn't able to control her desires when she was around other men, and I wasn't around....I understand and embrace all this now. I did not back then. It left me very extremely cynical towards women in general. For one whole year, I claimed, and actually truly believed myself to be A-sexual. something about the thought of sex with women would instantly bring her to the forefront of my mind, and disgust me with any kind of courting or attracting any woman....If you care to know, one year later, I read a quote by Mother Teresa;
" People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."

I was so touched by it, I did some deep self reflecting, and came to terms with the source of my hate for women, and cynical tendencies. So I called her up (my ex girlfriend, not Mother Teresa), asked her to hang out.......And you'd never believe it, but she seduced me before I even got to talk to her about anything....well, I fell victim to her spell again, and we spent a lot of time for the next month or so together. until one night we decided to take a trip to vegas, to visit my very close friend. when we got their, we all poored drinks and started to enjoy ourselves, and i noticed that her and I hadn't talked in an hour or so, and as I paid her attention I realized she was taking her cloths off right in front of my best friend (also an ISTP), and was trying to get with him... I was upset by this, and I yelled at her, embarrassing myself for the entire chain of events but wait, it doesn't end there. so she starts crying and walks off to call her BOYFRIEND.....the one i didn't know she was dating the entire month i'd been seeing her. The moral of my story is, my personality does not get along with ISTP's.

[m_dogg]

An ISTP and I fell hard and fast for each other last year. I'd say in the beginning he was the one pursuing me (I tend to rush into relationships, but dang did he want to rush things and be with me like everyday), but once I was hooked I'm sure I pursued the hell out of him.

If you have never dated an ISTP before, I've got to warn you that he will try your patience. I think my ISTP ex and I could be a great couple if we were both more patient, mature, and older (I was 21, he was 23). In the beginning he was pretty needy (which is surprising since *I'm* always the needy one) but I guess the infatuation wore off because I found it more difficult to spend time with him... he didn't want to make time for me. Eventually we found ways to compromise but it was more like I was the only one compromising. During the honeymoon stage he was very caring, listened to me whenever we disagreed, and comforted me if I was upset. It became the opposite after some months; we constantly fought like cats and dogs about stupid stuff. I often had to compromise myself and the things I cared about just to spend time with him. I put in so much effort into the relationship and hardly received anything in return.

When we weren't fighting, we had fun together. We didn't even need to actually do anything in order to have fun. Just being together was enough. Cuddling was so much fun. Sex was hot and amazing. There's a lust we have for each other that I cannot describe in words. We have the same taste in music and movies. We "get" each other; we understood each other's flirting and jokes. Boy did we always make each other laugh. We also love to play the same sport.

He struggled with his time priorities; me or his hobbies. I could not understand why it was that difficult considering how I only came during the weekend and spent a day with him and why he couldn't just do his hobbies during the other 6 days of the week? But maybe that's just me... that is a problem we never figured out. I think he's just going through a "bachelor" phase or something in life right now.

We broke up after 9 months but got back together a week later. He was the perfect boyfriend when we got back together. I'm not sure what changed, but he was so loving, attentive, caring, he actually wanted to spend time with me, and sex was still amazing. After a few months he withdrew and stopped wanting to spend any time with me. I have no idea why he didn't want me around but it hurt me and I became very upset about it. We went on vacation together but I spent more time with his friends or on my computer than I did with him. After our vacation, he again chose his computer over me, which really upset me because he was the one who wanted me to change my work schedule in order to see him (and we were in a LDR). Anyway we broke up over that, harassed each other for months after our break up, and who knows what we are now. He says he still loves me but we can't be together. I wish things didn't turn out this way but that's just how it is. *Shrug*

Wow, aside from the LDR, your relationship seems very similar to mine. I miss him, but when I look back on it, I missed out on a lot of opportunity in my field of interest (art) for him. I missed out on shows, barbeques, pot lucks, lectures, all sorts of things involving artists I wanted to network with, all because -aghast! My boyfriend wanted to spend time with me!

There are more ISTP's and ISTJ's in the sea, I guess. Hopefully they will be warmer and more mature.

[m_dogg]

Why wouldn't anyone want to be pursued? Less work.

Uh, if I have anything to add to daydream's comments, I oftentimes found, just flirting, with INFJ's to be amazing but draining at the same time. He says the two of you "can't be together"... I feel like the thought has crossed his mind that he's incapable of meeting your needs on a daily basis. You can probably handle being with him constantly and we can't handle it. We WANT TO but we just can't. We don't have the energy.

Imagine an old nintendo game with an energy bar. ISTP's have a charisma energy bar that drains whenever we're with someone in an intimate setting. When it hits zero, its like we have an energy drink crash. We're done. Our jokes get sour, our mood gets bitter, and we speak rather monotonously. So when you want to be with him constantly its completely draining. ISTP's have a strange insecurity, and that is that we cannot meet the needs of others. We're incapable. We give compliments, no one believes us. Our ability to "give" is very primitive and it hurts us when we're reminded how awful we are at this. So women who want to be around us constantly, we'll just push away and tell them it won't work out because we're just incapable of providing to the other person in the huge volumes they require. He probably wished it to work out, but logically speaking he knew he couldn't do it so he had to separate the two of you because he was becoming miserable from being constantly drained and down on himself.

This is good stuff, and explains a lot. When I first began dating my ex, he wanted to be with me 24/7, and it made me withdraw some; I just had my own insecurity as to why anyone would want to be around me all that often. Then, when we would hang out around friends, and he'd get tipsy, he'd touch me all over, not directly on my boobs or groin, lol, but just my arms, sides, back, neck, right in front of everyone, and I thought it was sort of inappropriate at first, but now that I'm thinking about it, it sounds like something a quiet person with Se would do to show affection.

He'd also randomly text me "sweet nothings" that made me really nervous. Just lots of simple affection, randomly, "The day would have been better with you here," "I love you" "it would be better if you were here", which all sound sweet, but when you go thru a day or two with seemingly nothing, and then suddenly all this affection overload, it seems kinda awkward, and if you are love-bashful like I am, it's too much. Again, my insecurity "Why would he be saying all of this," "what does he really want," "no one sends texts that cheesy unless they are sweet talking." I didn't consider much that he is really clumsy about expressing his emotions. Mainly because I'm really bad at receiving such expressions.

And also because, before him, people only handed out compliments when they wanted something (my soul, my flattery, my dignity).

Maybe some day when we're both more mature and confident in ourselves, there will be hope.

Also, I've heard from some that ESTP's and ISTP's like to treat love like a "game," and seek trophy wives/husbands. I'm curious if you agree on this, or if that's silly talk.

[m_dogg]

I prefer being persued. I think it comes from my weird phobia of verbalising my feelings towards people: My Ti doesn't allow any kind of feelings-romancey crap unless it's certain that there is going to be some form of payoff at the end.

Also, what DJArendee said about ISTPs and giving really hit home. I feel like I want to make the people in my life happy, but can't because I can never find the right words or actions. The only way I can help people is by listening to their problems and giving cold, impartial advice. Sometimes I just want to be able to put my arm around their shoulders and make them feel genuinely better about themselves or whatever is happening in their lives, but I can barely understand my own feelings, let alone others.

This is one of the reasons why I find XNFJs so incredible, the part which comes so slowly for me is almost natural for you.

You don't need to say anything! If you're only way of showing you care is literally by providing a shoulder, then provide a shoulder! A lot of times people aren't looking for advice, anyhow, just a confidant.

[m_dogg]

My type of women definantly tend to be SP's, usually ISTP's. I honestly hate it. All of the ISTP's I have dated have not been faithful to me, in very painful ways. the last girl I dated was an ISTP, and she was the most devious little girl I'd ever ment, she would just charm me with this illusion of innocence, and enthrall me with novelty and adventure. To be honest my greatest attraction to her was her sexual nature. Her extreme sense of curiosity towards sexual things, and her ability to be so much more aroused than other girls. I think my qualities of being an INFJ just can't seem to come to terms with her live in the moment attitude though. needless to say, It was not hard for her to have sex with other men, without my knowledge while we were dating. In retrospect I know she enjoyed being around me just as much I to her, she just wasn't able to control her desires when she was around other men, and I wasn't around....I understand and embrace all this now. I did not back then. It left me very extremely cynical towards women in general. For one whole year, I claimed, and actually truly believed myself to be A-sexual. something about the thought of sex with women would instantly bring her to the forefront of my mind, and disgust me with any kind of courting or attracting any woman....If you care to know, one year later, I read a quote by Mother Teresa;
" People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."

I was so touched by it, I did some deep self reflecting, and came to terms with the source of my hate for women, and cynical tendencies. So I called her up (my ex girlfriend, not Mother Teresa), asked her to hang out.......And you'd never believe it, but she seduced me before I even got to talk to her about anything....well, I fell victim to her spell again, and we spent a lot of time for the next month or so together. until one night we decided to take a trip to vegas, to visit my very close friend. when we got their, we all poored drinks and started to enjoy ourselves, and i noticed that her and I hadn't talked in an hour or so, and as I paid her attention I realized she was taking her cloths off right in front of my best friend (also an ISTP), and was trying to get with him... I was upset by this, and I yelled at her, embarrassing myself for the entire chain of events but wait, it doesn't end there. so she starts crying and walks off to call her BOYFRIEND.....the one i didn't know she was dating the entire month i'd been seeing her. The moral of my story is, my personality does not get along with ISTP's.

She doesn't sound like a typical ISTP to me, she sounds like one with borderline or some other kind of personality disorder. Most people typically aren't that adulterous, even the ones who have cheated before, lol. It sounds more like you dated someone with very altered views on sex and love and loyalty.

One thing I've witnessed in person and also read on forums is that ISTP's are die-hard loyalists. If they cheat, it's normally cuz the relationship was over anyhow; but most of them just break things off when they see interest in someone else.

I'm pretty much responding to everyone on here, lol, but I find this so helpful, I wish I saw this 6 months ago! =(

[bearotter]

Back to the lack of Se, some of them can be pretty insulting toward my extroverted sensing. They'll say things like, "color isn't important" or something.

That's odd, because I'd think that's an absolute value judgment that comes from within. Obviously, color is important to you. It doesn't strike me as a very good use of Ni-Fe.

It could just be an insecure INFJ, because quite frankly, I like my Se plenty (although of course it's not my strongest point), it's Te that I don't want to get reminded of unless I really have to. Fe dom scares me because I think my extreme introversion would clash pretty badly with them.

[LiteratureNerd]

I'm not sure how anyone could hold an intangible cognitive function in contempt, and Se has more to do with living in the moment and being aware of your immediate surroundings than deciding whether or not you think colors are pretty. I don't think I've ever met anyone who has said, "God, I hate extroverted sensing!" Everybody uses it. Why fight it? Just use it in a way that works for you.

For me, it's an indulgence...engaging Se is something I do to unwind, so I get into things like gardening and cooking where I have to be outside my own head and paying attention to...well...my senses and concrete details. A sort of way to feel connected with the physical world, since I often don't. I still don't care much for lots of action and stimulation...it makes me feel agitated rather than excited. Physically uncomfortable.

It's only shallowness that I dislike. Se has nothing to do with being shallow...but I've seen a lot of people associate one with the other.