[JefftheINFJ]

Okay, guys. Here's the situation. I have a friend who I really care about. I mean, I love him. The problem is his life has sucked. He's out of the worst of it, but it's sort of shaped him into a really troubled young man. He claims that he hates life, and he's learned to accept that he'll never enjoy life. Try as I might, I can't shake him of this. The problem is that, though I know I can't abandon him, his pessimism is toxic for me. Just as I'm feeling happy, I'll talk to him and go away feeling horrible. How can I be a positive influence for this guy without him being a negative influence on me in return?

[Lost in Oblivion]

How old is he? What are his reasons for learning to hate life, and for hating life? Do you KNOW you can't abandon him - are you obligated morally or objectively? Is he pessimistic in an angry, spiteful way, or a dark, gloomy way?

People must be willing to accept help in order for you to help. If he doesn't want help there isn't anything you can do about that - he has to open himself up to it before you can. People can get out of the worst of ruts if they try hard enough - what is that deep spark of potential that lies within him? He's got amazing talents, no doubt. He has to realize them, and know what he can do with them. If everything fails, you can only sit back and watch - sometimes people will heal on their own, sometimes not. Does he care about you the same way you care about him? That should be known; and "if you love something let it go free. If it comes back to you love it forever." If it doesn't...well, you know how that goes.

I had a friend who was, underneath her confident exterior, very insecure about herself. I tried to make her realize that she doesn't need to be, and that I still loved her for who she was, but she was still insecure about herself. Eventually I got tired of it and backed off. She started growing on her own...but perhaps this was because she was young. I am unsure whether your friend is still growing or is a young adult now.

[Juan M]

Try to kill him... in the end the human being its coward when faces the death, show him the fear, pure fear, then he will understand how valuable life is. Also you actually have to try to kill him, or take 2 months of acting classes (but maybe its too late), also have to be in a practical and violent way, he has to fear pain. wonderful idea isnt it?

Also, you could search the problem and make him feel better about it, beers can help.

Also you can get a dog for him, a loyal partner... then, well im tired of writting cya.

[JefftheINFJ]

Okay. So here's the thing. He was raped by his father years ago. He's 17 now, and he's out of that situation, but at this point he feels like his life is never gonna get better. He has friends and family that care about him, but he chooses not to see that. He's been to counseling and had professional help, but he says that he's just accepted that he's always going to be miserable. I know you might think that I just ought to cut him some slack because of his past, but that's the thing. I have. Sure, he's had some serious hardship, but the more I get to know him, the more I realize that he's holding onto that as a crutch. He, at least subconsciously, likes being the victim. That way he's not really responsible. As soon as I talk about any issues I have, he tells me that I'm being a martyr, and I need to get over it.

The reason that I feel I can't just walk away from our friendship is because that's exactly what he expects me to do. He has told me he loves me, but at the same time he pushes me away because he's afraid he'll get hurt. If I leave him, I'll just prove that he's right, and I don't know if he'll be able to recover from that. Like I said, though his life has been tough, it's becoming more and more clear to me that he is choosing not to at least even try to recover. He is amazingly intelligent and understands science and technology to a point way beyond his years, which is why I say I see so much potential in him. I love him like a brother, and I want to see him push through is despair and live a prosperous, happy life.

I hope that's enough detail to give you guys an idea of what I'm dealing with.

[Bright Laughter]

Wow....that's going to take some serious dedication on his part for him to get past what his father did to him. I can see how a person would go to great lengths to avoid facing that healing, but it means an unhappy life and almost certainly a lonely life until he does. And whether it's fair or not that life dealt him that blow, it's still up to him to decide to take his life back or not. If he doesn't choose to do it while he has the support of family and friends, then eventually life will force the decision out of him after everyone leaves him. And he'll sink or swim. The well meaning support of friends and family could do more harm for him than good over the long run if he doesn't decide to help himself.

It's also your own responsibility to keep yourself healthy. As much as INFJs like to be martyrs, it isn't necessarily the right, or healthy decision. Sometimes you have to love someone enough to let them go and have a chance at helping themselves so they can grow...even if that means they hate you forever. Even if it means that they don't make it. Sometimes people don't find the strength in themselves until they are left alone in their misery. And if you don't believe that he can make it without you, you are definitely conveying that message to him too and reinforcing his own belief that he can't do it.

I hope this doesn't sound too cold, as it does come from my heart. And from personal experience. From *the* hardest lesson of my life, of letting go of a loved one to decide whether or not they wanted to save themselves and in order to save myself. I won't go into details other than it involved my dearest family member to my heart, and his 2nd suicide attempt this last January. I had to realize that if he was going to succeed in killing himself, there was nothing I could do to stop him. I had to realize that I may in fact lose him one day, and that I had no control over that. I realized, ultimately, that I had to let go of the idea that I did have control over it. He has since decided to fight for his own life (he was nearly successful, out of body experience included, and it scared the living shit out of him) and that he alone is responsible for his decisions.

So the advice I gave you may not apply to you - but it is sincere on my part and comes from having been tested to the extreme in my own life. If nothing else, try to take a step back and pretend it's two strangers in the situation. What advice would you give the person who represents you in the situation?

[unico]

This is a really tough situation! If you can handle being around him while keeping enough emotional distance to keep yourself feeling okay I don't see a problem with remaining his friend. Maybe he just needs to find the right therapist he clicks with. But definitely he has to have some kind of hope in order to improve his life. I almost tried to kill myself once (walked in unexpectedly by someone who was supposed to be gone all day -- I guess it was a sign). I've been suicidal at other times. But usually I have some hope and I've never been cynical about the world, in general. I also have PTSD from severe abuse and a dangerous living situation, but was fortunately never raped. I don't have much to suggest:( I wish you both the best, though.

[JefftheINFJ]

Honestly, if I were talking to a person in my situation, I would tell him that he needs to get out of that that toxic environment. I was emotionally abused and neglected and sexually exploited. I'm getting professional help, and it's doing a lot, but then I talk to my friend and the INFJ in me feels his despair which ends up pulling me down. Basically, I need to learn to love myself before I can really be a good influence on him. I learned to think of myself as worthless, but that has to change. If I'm just as broken as he is, I'm never gonna be able to be a good example to him.