[INFJ] Depression?

Depression?

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This is a discussion on Depression? within the INFJ Forum - The Protectors forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; I know a lot of you have experienced or are experiencing depression, and if it's not too painful, could you ...

  1. #1
    INFJ - The Protectors


    Depression?

    I know a lot of you have experienced or are experiencing depression, and if it's not too painful, could you describe to me what it feels like? Were you aware that you had it? Did you seek help?



  2. #2
    INFJ - The Protectors

    It felt like I couldn't be angry at outer things because I would just get burned for it/nothing would change, so I could only be angry at myself. After beating myself up, I felt tired, shameful, worthless. Like a twisting in my chest. The world felt worthless. I couldn't get out of bed and bring myself up out of those thoughts very easily.

    Sort of sought help. My mom brought me to her own counselor, but we didn't really click (still don't). I think it took me moving away from my parents and changing friendship circles completely to wake me up. I learned that the bad treatment I had been taking wasn't normal, and so when I visited my parents again, I could fight it without caving in on myself like I had before. I also chose my own counselor and she seems to really understand me. All of those new insights combined to pull me out of it.

    I was aware I had it, but I wasn't really aware at how different from the "norm" it was. Now that I'm mostly out of it I'm amazed at how good I feel in comparison, heh. I still have my bad days, but its getting easier to snap out of it and say, "Wait a minute. This isn't right, and this line of thinking leads no where."
    Lost in Oblivion and ardentauthor thanked this post.

  3. #3
    INFJ - The Protectors

    It was this endless feeling that there was no point to life. I was lonely, sad, miserable, and couldn't see myself ever being happy. I really didn't see the point in doing anything. I wasted away most of my time playing computer games.

    I had a feeling I was not doing well, but it almost felt like a taboo going to a psychologist. I'd spent so much of my life pretending I was fine, and I think others actually thought I was fine.

    I thankfully forced myself to go to a psychologist. I have seen quite a few. Some are good. Many are useless. Thankfully one of the first ones I saw was awesome. I am a perfectionist. I was being way, way, too hard on myself. I think I confused reinforcement for good behaviour with love. I thought people loved me because of the things I did, and wouldn't love me if I failed. I had constructed this complicated reality with so many rules and expectations on myself, no one could happily live in that reality. My psychologist started poking at the rigid rules and exposing the cognitive distortions.

    Eh that's all in the past. I've been content and at peace for a good six years now. I am happy now and stable. I think us INFJs are wired in a way that predisposes us to depression. My intuition and thought processes were right a lot of the time, so I tended not to listen to the advice of others or question my beliefs. My intuition was wrong about some very important things that were preventing me from being happy.

    I have learned that there are other people know things I do not, and have experienced things I have not. I used to be a know it all. I learned to listen and trust others.
    Last edited by Meow; 10-12-2011 at 07:34 PM.
    unico, Lost in Oblivion, ardentauthor and 2 others thanked this post.

  4. #4
    INFJ - The Protectors

    The pain of depression is purely subjective. Not to mention it's hard to describe...for me, I felt it in degrees. From "normal" depression, the everyday sort of "down" feeling, to suicidal-thought depression (thankfully, I rarely experienced this). The "normal" depression I never acknowledged as depression until I came aware of it several years in. I believe it starts off slow...your thought processes shape you into it. It just seemed normal to be down. No self-confidence was one major part of it. Like another poster said I kind of just wasted time. I didn't feel like doing anything, especially obligations, a lot of the time, and wasted it doing mindless, venial things, unfortunately. Once you get deeper in, everything just starts to slowly tumble down. Besides apathy and lack of self-esteem, you feel like the world is coming against you - not in an antagonistic way, but that you just seem to get the worst of circumstances. Emotional sensitivity is pretty much heightened. It starts to get really bad when you bottle up, break down and cry. It was like I would store these emotions and then feast on them once I couldn't stand it any longer. The "store for the feast" tactic (to avoid confrontation with others about it) worked pretty well for a while. But after some time it doesn't. Once you release your bad emotions you need something good to fill you back up. And that's what I always lacked. So after normally feeling very bogged down, and releasing this, you feel numb, alone. And I never really had that. Sure, I had my friend over text, but it took me 4 years to open up to him totally and let him comfort me for real.

    The worst it ever got to me was to the point of having an anxiety attack. I have had two anxiety attacks. Let me tell you, it feels horrendous. Perhaps I might not be going off the "official" symptoms of anxiety attacks, but it was not normal. My mind would get on a negative track, and if it was something very touchy and it stayed on there, it would go ballistic. My mind goes off in disorganized tangents while I'm sitting there uncontrollably crying and hyperventilating. Everything is cold. You feel alone. You just want to die. The first time I did not have anyone to support me at the time so it went on for a good few hours. Ugh. It's just awful, that's it.

    I became aware that I might have had it about a year or so in. It was just one day I told myself, "I think I have depression." I found myself looking up affective disorders, actually, and then self-diagnosed myself with dysthymia initially. At one point I came to a "bipolar" phase (which was less than a year ago), and that was a rough road to recovery.

    I never sought professional help, though I asked myself and a few others if I should. The main problem was that I was too afraid to ask my parents. So I kept it bottled in and went through with it. And I'm really glad I didn't go to counseling. I figure if I did, and was diagnosed with something, I would have used that as an excuse to act like a downer all the time. It's tough but it's just changing the way you're thinking.

    The only time I sought help other than comfort from friends was when I first arrived to PerC here. and wouldja look at me now...
    Empath and ardentauthor thanked this post.

  5. #5
    Unknown Personality

    Here is what I said about depression in another thread:

    The best way to describe the feeling of it would be . . . hopelessness. Like, you want to be happy but everything you try, you can't seem to feel that way. No matter if you were happy in the morning, you would feel like it didn't happen when afternoon comes. But then again, it's difficult to describe it. And I want to say this . . . depression does not mean that you're sad.

    I did not know that I had depression. I thought it was the blues, just ordinary sadness that I had every single day, every waking moment of my life. But then I realized that it was clinical depression when I went to see a Psychologist and Psychiatrist back in '09.
    ardentauthor thanked this post.

  6. #6
    INFP - The Idealists

    It feels heavy in your throat, and in your words(they fall off as if they cant support themselves). The rest of my thoughts are stated above.
    ardentauthor thanked this post.

  7. #7
    INFJ - The Protectors

    I've had depression on and off for years. Most of it has been minor in nature. It involved just general sadness and the blues, with some hopelessness as well. Most of the time it never reached the point were I would have my sleep or eating habits effected over the long term. The depression worsens when I have relationship problems with my partner. Both times, I was involved in therapy.

    To be honest, the therapy did not help as much as I hoped it would. The most recent therapy helped in dealing with communication issues with my wife so we could better our relationship. But I didn't feel like it helped me understand who I am and why I do what I do.
    ardentauthor thanked this post.

  8. #8
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Most of the times I have dealt with depression, it comes in the form of numbness. Everything seems pointless and meaningless. Everything becomes boring and tiring. I criticize myself for not caring anymore... and for not caring that I don't care. I have zero motivation. I just feel like all life has left me. I usually don't realize I was depressed until after I am feeling better.
    I have been teetering on depression lately. I have been doing a whole lot of nothing because nothing interests me anymore.
    I desperately look for things to interest me... so I can feel like I am alive. But it feels like a lost cause sometimes.
    I get excited about small things, because I just need something to be excited about. Then I get shut down or ignored by others and I just feel like I am being stupid and wasting my time for trying.
    ardentauthor thanked this post.

  9. #9
    INTP - The Thinkers

    It feels like the whole world is tumbling at your fingertips. You're too afraid to do many things, for fear that you will fail. You feel hopeless. All alone and lost in a sea of despair and blackness. You call out, but no one seems to hear you. Every day is a struggle. Sleep. You sleep to escape from the sadness, the loss, then soon your sadness weaves its way into your dreams. You pray that you don't remember them, so you can escape, to feel nothing, to feel numb, but then your dreams become so dark and violent that you have no choice, but to remember them. It seems like no one can grasp exactly how much pain and hurt you are feeling, and it feels as if everything is going against you. It's as if you feel you can shake the ground with an earthquake, with the immense pressure building up inside you from keeping it inside, hiding it to seem normal. Your heart literally hurts, your chest aches, you can't breathe, you're so sad the tears don't come. You can barely remember the times when you were happy, and that is the only reminder that what you are feeling is not normal, and that most people don't feel the way you do. You long for the days you are happy, but you can't have them so that makes you feel worse. It's a downward spiral, it gets worse and worse. Soon the sorrow is addicting, you're afraid to let it go, and in a sick way, you love it. At the same time, you wish you could wash it all away and at least be content, not feeling the chilling pain that grips your soul.

    The pain is the only reminder that the world you live in is real, it's in a way better than being numb, because at least you feel alive. You hold things in for so long and finally release, and when you do, you're a hollow shell that was once yourself. There's no feeling, but the emptiness and the sadness, but without the despair. You're numb, stuck in that black hole. Almost, oblivious to the world around you. You don't care, you can't find the motivation to do the important things. Cleaning, school work, home work, any work. Instead, you waste your time on trivial things that are just mere distractions from reality. For me, it's fantasy games or ready. Something to take me out, so I can forget the state I'm in.

    I've been relatively melancholic for years, I always thought that was normal. People would say I should smile more, and I would respond with, "I just don't feel the need to smile". I wasn't sad, but I wasn't happy or content like most people. Around January of this year, I started to acknowledge that it wasn't normal, there was something wrong, and I'm capable of more. I realized no, not everyone felt like I did, and most were happy. I started to shift slowly from Melancholy, to what I thought in about July was Dysmythia. It wasn't that bad, so I thought. I figured, "It won't get any worse, this is mild, I can deal with it". Then, it kept on going at a steady rate downhill. Now, I feel like I described in the first part of this post. It has been going down farther and faster lately, I keep expecting to hit rock bottom, but I never do, it just goes on and on.

    Really, I would stay away from descriptions of depression for anyone with relatively good Fe.



    Tsuki, Jawz and ardentauthor thanked this post.

  10. #10
    INFJ - The Protectors

    It starts as just a steady decline in mood, then feeling completely alone, then feeling completely helpless and then something small sends me into a rage that last a few days and then feeling empty inside.
    ardentauthor thanked this post.


 
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