All right, I decided to sign up to this community because I've begun to really admire the INFJ type quite a bit… and realized a few of my friends are INFJ.
And there's this girl.
I've been friends with this girl for a few weeks now. We had met maybe a couple of months ago. Initially, I didn't really have much interest in this person. She seemed like your typical silly girl: amicable but glib. She ostensibly had little depth to her, and so I largely ignored her (but wasn't rude) as she seemed to get along fine with everyone else — she had received plenty of attention from the males in the circle, being a female. I remember one of the first things I said to her was how I had no interest in women and found sex to be rather off-putting. She seemed to agree.
So, while we didn't interact much with one another, she seemed to receive what little interactions we had rather warmly. Periodically, little clues began to creep up….
I sometimes joke about being romantically interested in a male friend, and I often role-play a love-struck imbecile who obsequiously — and clumsily — seeks his affections. She would find much amusement from this, and she would pretend to root for me to win his heart. She one day said she would be honored if I would pursue her in such a manner… which I dismissed as her being playful. But it still struck me a little odd.
Later, I find out I look like one of her childhood celebrity crushes. I thought it was funny (and was maybe a little flattered she found me physically attractive), so we ended up in a rather protracted private conversation with one another. As the conversation had progressed, it became apparent to me that there was a lot more to this girl beneath the surface. I learned a bit about her and her values, and I gained a newfound respect for her. After this, I would sometimes chat with her and act more friendly towards her in general.
We had subsequently opened up to one another, and I told her about my last relationship. I explained how I was blindsided by my romantic feelings for this woman, and how that relationship really opened up a side of me hitherto unknown. But I had rather lofty ideals regarding love, and was very reticent about sex. I was unwilling to compromise on my ideals… which compounded other problems which had arisen. We cared for one another, but it became apparent things wouldn't work out. I didn't take the breakup too well — I had shattered like glass and never quite recovered. I was amazed by all these latent feelings which were brought to the surface during the course of this. I would have never expected such fragility from myself. She seemed rather touched by my tale, and voiced an interest in becoming friends with me.
One day she was playing around pretending she was longing for the company of a particular guy in our circle of friends. I knew she didn't really have romantic feelings for this individual as it was overtly goofy, much like my own facetious affair. I don't recall the precise context, but I pretended to be jealous and made a snarky remark — which elicited a more charged response than I had anticipated: "I think you're really great and you're amazing to have conversations with, OK!?" I was taken aback by this and told her I was jesting. "No you're not…" was her reply. She then went off for a while, and I asked the others if they knew what that was about, or if it wasn't clear that I was kidding around. They said it seemed a bit off, and so I went and apologized to her privately. She told me that it was OK, and that sometimes she easily gets angry. She then quickly went back to being her usual congenial self.
Our friendship seemed to strengthen, and we would act more playful around one another. I would enjoy our conversations together, and she didn't seem to mind even when I would begin to expatiate on abstract subjects — in fact, she told me she enjoyed how into it I would get. She began to really confide in me and tell me more about herself, her feelings, and what troubled her. I really enjoyed learning more about her; she seemed genuinely interested in my meanderings, and I was concerned with her emotional vicissitudes. When her social life hit turbulence, she turned to me for advice and mollification.
Then, one day, one of the more brazen, sardonic individuals from our circle asked her if she had any romantic interest in various individuals we knew. When she asserted she didn't, he asked about me, specifically. She replied with something along the lines of "I don't know him well enough". Immediately after this, she apologized for her response, saying she just said that so he'd leave her alone. I told her that the response was fine; I knew precisely why she responded in that way to such an abrasive person.
We continued to build rapport and chat regularly, and shared our views about relationships. I told her I wasn't big on sex and felt it ruined relationships; I was more interested in forming an interpersonal bond. She told me she was the same, and agreed that sex wasn't really needed in relationships. I wondered if she hadn't merely stated as much to appease me, knowing my take on the matter. She also knew that I don't seem to experience much in the way of arousal… and that I was infatuated with a certain girl — a girl I could never be with. (An ESFJ, by the way.)
She seemed rather invidious towards this girl whenever I had brought her up. I asked her why she was so harsh when I spoke of this other girl, and she told me she didn't hate her; she just didn't think she was that great. She told me I was being foolish for obsessing over this girl, and that I may miss out on other relationships and doom myself to be alone. One day she had asked me if I would ever get over this girl. I don't remember how I responded… or if I even did. She knew of my quixotic notions regarding romance, and how strongly I felt for the ESFJ girl. She also seemed to tacitly understand that I yearned for the unattainable because I, in fact, feared another relationship.
I want to become even closer with this girl. I want to learn more about her, know what's going on inside her head, and take our trust to the next level… but I'm afraid. I don't know what her feelings for me really are. I don't know for certain what it is she wants from me. I can be rather obtuse at times, and I'm very wary of being presumptive in such matters. And, truthfully, I don't know what it is I want from her — not yet. I care for her, but I don't know if I want anything romantic. I don't want to ruin things between us. I just want to be close to her. I've also tried to push the possibility from my mind that our friendship could go down a romantic path; it makes me feel guilty to think I could have had an ulterior motive in getting closer to her, trying to cozen her romantic affections. I want to tell myself all I'm interested in is being her friend.
I just don't know where to go from here. I don't feel certain about either of our feelings, or what it is we want. But I know I've no interest in sex, and she had asseverated that she didn't need it, either. I know I want to strengthen our connection and share our feelings, but I don't know if I want to as friends or… as romantic partners. But I know that, whatever the case may be, I'll need to take the initiative and make the next move. I'm going to have to overcome my diffidence and indecisive nature.
Does this girl clearly have a romantic interest in me? What are the odds I could ruin our friendship? I'd appreciate the input of any who may have insight into the INFJ psyche… and perhaps relationships in general.